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Appropriate touches and men question  

post #1 of 90
5/19/08 at 8:50pm
Thread Starter 
If a man is standing with legs spread wide and a child walks up and puts her face in his crotch (right on his penis) and he just stands there...is that inappropriate?

If a man is sitting spread eagle on the edge of a chair and a child walks up and pats his crotch and he just sits there...is that inappropriate?

I've been having ongoing problems with my gramma's husband and I'm at the end of my rope. I've talked and bitched for almost a year. I'm going to hurt him if I see him let dd touch his penis again.

Am I being too sensitive? I don't see this problem with dd and her dad--only gramma's husband. These are the only 2 men dd is around so I don't know if I'm just being too sensitive.

As a woman and her mom, dd comes in contact with my crotch quite often. But I also don't have hanging parts like a man. If I'm rocking her, her foot might land on my pevic bone area and that's okay with me. But, if her foot actually falls betwen my legs and is touching my vagina/clitoris, I move her foot because I don't think that's appropriate. A man is just "out there" and I just don't know if what he's doing is way out of line or somewhat common. Help please? Frazzled mama.
post #2 of 90
5/19/08 at 8:59pm
uh, I would move if it were me. I think that it would be a normal reflex to move if a child was touching me in that area.
post #3 of 90
5/19/08 at 9:00pm
Tell him what you want him to do when she touches his groin.
post #4 of 90
5/19/08 at 9:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by gsd1amommy View Post
Tell him what you want him to do when she touches his groin.
I agree, but didn't she say in her OP that she has bitched for a yr? TO whom exactly? If you have expressed your concerns to him and nothing has been done, then I'd definately keep dd away from him. I, personally, would be bothered.
post #5 of 90
5/19/08 at 9:09pm
Quote:
uh, I would move if it were me. I think that it would be a normal reflex to move if a child was touching me in that area.
Same here. I think a lot of men might be uncomfortable especially given that this child is not related to him. I would say something to the Grandma's husband.
post #6 of 90
5/19/08 at 9:16pm
Thread Starter 
At least I know I'm not being sensitive, thank you. It's my gramma's husband. He is never alone with her. Never. But, gramma watches dd a couple days/week and we visit over there. He has a frontal lobe brain injury--impulse control problems, being child-like, etc.

A week ago dd's dad finally stepped in and had a man-to-man with him about sitting with his legs open and dd touching him. The very next day is when I caught him standing and dd walked up to his penis....and he just stood there. I pulled her away.

I've had numerous conversations with gramma and him. My request for the past few months has been: I don't want him to touch her. Don't pick her up. Don't hold her hand and walk with her. Leave her alone. That is what dd's dad told him a week ago. Nothing has worked. All 4 of us are going to sit and chat on Sunday about this matter...again.

If he touches her (if he pats her head or holds her hand...I'm serious. I don't like this guy) after our Sunday conversation that or lets her touch him I will be forced to break my gramma's heart and tell her dd can't come over anymore if her husband is there. That will kill her...but I'm at the end of my rope. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't too sensitive with this before I give the ultimatim and/or break gramma's heart. I hate her husband. Can't stand him.
post #7 of 90
5/19/08 at 9:23pm
You need a different child care situation. It is unreasonable to expect your grandma to take care of your daughter with all the stipulations you have layed out in this post. I can't imagine the difficulty she faces trying to live up to the standards you set.
post #8 of 90
5/19/08 at 9:30pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
It is unreasonable to expect your grandma to take care of your daughter with all the stipulations you have layed out in this post and other posts.
You're right. Everytime I bring it up she gets all emotional. She wants to keep dd. But her husband needs to keep away. Period. There have been way too many on going things with him.

Here's the thing: When gramma and her husband are home alone, her husband lays in the bedroom and watches tv. All night. Gramma is in the living room or kitchen. She hardly ever see's husband. But when me/dd come over he hovers and won't leave dd alone. That on top of him letting dd touch him, staring while I'm changing her diaper (way in the past, he doesn't do that anymore) and some other things. He has no right to touch her at all....I don't like him. It's not a happy little family situation where he's "banned to his room with dd is over"....he stays in his room until dd comes over. That's just one of the many things that's so wrong with him/this situation.
post #9 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:09pm
Yuck. I used to work as an advocate and counselor at a Sexual Assault Center. Most of the cases we saw were children. Most of the children's perpatrators were gaurdians and people they knew. IMO if you are having an instinct that something is wrong and you are getting signals that something is wrong, then something may very well be wrong. Considering that 1 out of every 4-5 women in our society are sexually assaulted some time in their life, I think it is wise to have awareness and ACT on it. I don't usually give out a lot of advice here on MDC, but frankly, if I were you, I would trust my Mama gut and protect my child from this guy. To me this means getting childcare needs met elsewhere.
post #10 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:10pm
i am surprised that the grandma is still able to take care of her husband. I worked with brain injured persons and theres a HUGE difference between them all. since he is childlike AND its a frontal lobe injury there is a very very very slim chance that you will ever be able to get this rule in effect unless the grandma does something. although alot of the childlike brain injury patients aren't "sexual" towards children it may be understandable at some point that he is interested cause shes simple; imagination etc and not talking about the "real" world. HOWEVER i am not saying its ok. brain injured persons where i worked were completely and totally seperate from the other people with disabilities (kids were mingled with all other disabilities though).
post #11 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:17pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gsd1amommy View Post
You need a different child care situation. It is unreasonable to expect your grandma to take care of your daughter with all the stipulations you have layed out in this post and other posts. I can't imagine the difficulty she faces trying to live up to the standards you set.
It ticked me off but I looked past it until it ticked me off a little more. I went through my posts, specifically the one you're referring to (which is against the UA agreement, which I have gotten in trouble for--bringing up old posts). I have basically 2 stipulations: men don't see my dd naked and they're not to be alone with her. That's it. 2 little rules. I don't find that to be difficult for anyone to abide by. No more than not allowing meat, sweets, tv, and other rules that all parents set. Your post was very rude, uncalled for, and unjustified--considering I have 2 rules that are put in place for my dd. If you don't like the way I parent or the rules I have set forth, walk away. Rudeness is just ugly and it hurts feelings...even if over the internet.
post #12 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:23pm
Did i get this right? You are leaving your dd in the same house with this man when you are not there. That is sick! I wouldn't leave my kids with anyone like that for 1 second, let alone for hours! Because he has mental issues, may be why he doesn't move away when your dd touches him, or he may like it, he may be perverted! Have you asked your dd about what he does with her when you are not there? Keep your dd away from this man, he may not be harming her, he may not have bad motives, but he may and you cannot take a chance like that with your dd! You can't know for sure that he isn't ever alone with her, when you are not there! :
post #13 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:24pm
There's really no reason to be ticked off at all. You need a different childcare situation. There's nothing to be mad at me for. You are the one making the rules. They are not being followed. You are afraid your daughter is going to be a victim so you need to make a change for her and for your piece of mind. I'm not being rude.
post #14 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:28pm
I am confused, your daughter is never alone with a man? What a difficult rule to enforce.

Listen, your grandmother must be elderly and she is saddled with a husband with a brain injury. Even if she cries, you need to do her a favor (even if she doesn't see it that way) and find another child care situation. The touching issue aside, start with compassion for your grandmother's situation..
post #15 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:32pm
The whole thing would give me the creeps. I don't think I would let my kid stay there alone. I would take my kids for a visit to see their grandmother and be there where I could see what the man is doing. I am sorry you are in that position. I know from experience that doubts about family members intentions is a very uncomfortable and scary situation. Good luck Sunday.
post #16 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:33pm
Caring for two people is hard on anyone - I can see how it could be difficult for your grandmother. However, I would not be comfortable leaving my child with her at all, so I agree you should find new childcare accomodations for your baby. I would also make sure you plan lots of events/outings/visits for your child to be with her grandmother - it would be tragic for your grandmother not to be able to see the baby at all or only rarely because of her husband.
post #17 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:35pm
Thread Starter 
Ok. DD is 11 months. She just started walking and this issue just resurfaced. It happened in the past where he'd stand her on his crotch. We addressed it. He stopped doing it. Everything was fine until she started walking so the issue is back. He is never alone with her. Never out of eye view of me or gramma.

He's not an invalid. He has a full time job, drives, works outside, etc. Gramma doesn't take care of him. (eta His only problem is impulse control and the like). He just lays in bed and watches TV Land all night...and pops out when dd is there. (eta Gramma turned 60 this year...she's my adopted gramma. She's not elderly...very active).

I'm between a rock and a hard place with this issue. No, I don't want dd there while he is there. I have 2 caretakers--gramma and her dad. Her dad is not available very much. So she is the primary one while I work. We will all sit down on Sunday and talk and if I see it happen one more time I will pull dd from my gramma. I posted here to make sure I wasn't being too sensitive with the issue (as I have been known to be sensitive with this kind of stuff). Before I give the ultimatim on Sunday....because it will absolutely crush my gramma and it will totally screw me on childcare. I haven't seen men with children. I didn't know if I was just being too sensitive or if it was somewhat normal.
post #18 of 90
5/19/08 at 10:48pm
If you don't feel comfy with this guy, you need to stop taking your child there.

I cannot politely express my opinion on your rules about men in general. Of course, you seem to be feeding your problem with men by keeping you and your child in constant contact with someone who reinforces your obvious already existing problem with men.

Since YOU are the only one in control of this situation, and YOU know that you have a problem, and YOU know that this man may be a problem and YOU know that gma could not possibly have the God-Like-Powers to watch him every moment......

You need to ask yourself why you are continuing to pertuate this situation.
post #19 of 90
5/19/08 at 11:11pm
Thank you Demeter9. Words are failing me. That is what I am saying in my head.
post #20 of 90
5/19/08 at 11:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Demeter9 View Post
If you don't feel comfy with this guy, you need to stop taking your child there.

I cannot politely express my opinion on your rules about men in general. Of course, you seem to be feeding your problem with men by keeping you and your child in constant contact with someone who reinforces your obvious already existing problem with men.

Since YOU are the only one in control of this situation, and YOU know that you have a problem, and YOU know that this man may be a problem and YOU know that gma could not possibly have the God-Like-Powers to watch him every moment......

You need to ask yourself why you are continuing to pertuate this situation.

:

I believe I have responded before that your rule about never alone with a male is WAY out of line and will be seriously damaging.

BUT, you are allowing your daughter to be around a man that you have specific creepy feelings about. That is just as bad.

Are you getting any therapy? I think you need to evaluate your own decision making in regards to your child.

-Angela
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