Okay. I did it. I promised G that I would visit every week on my days off and find other arrangements for dd on the 2 days in question. She didn't like it and kept wanting to make other arrangements (like make H leave the house on those days) but I just told her it would be less stressful for everyone involved if I found other placement for dd. I don't like her husband. I haven't liked him. I've disliked him MORE since dd has been here. Red flags just go up all the time with him. I don't like him. I handled him being around her. Everything was ok until dd started walking. I've just had enough with him. G just has to understand that. The vibe I get from him won't rest. So, there's the vibe...and then letting dd touch him--after he's been told not to. I'd had enough.
And I guess letting a child go between men's legs depends on the comfort level of the parents from reading the responses here. I'd be fine with all of this if dd was going between her dad's legs/touching him. I'd think nothing of it...but I know him and trust him completely. He's not comfy with it...but I would think nothing of it with him. Some said they would not be comfy with it...others say it's no big deal. So I guess I still don't know what's right/wrong....I guess it's all a matter of perception/comfort level (still, when I tell someone I'm NOT comfy with it and they do it anyway...that's just pushing it).
Originally Posted by paquerette
I think another unintended consequence is that, while she learns that men are the "bad" ones, she learns that women are the "good" ones. And that will mean to her that nothing a female does to her can be wrong. Which opens her up to the possibility of being molested by a woman. In general, it distresses me how many people think that that's a very unlikely possibility. Some of the most horrific stories of child molestation that I've heard about were perpetuated by women.
This isn't and won't be the case at all! It's not just men and I know that. There is only 2 women and myself who care for dd on a regular basis. I trust them. When it comes time to teach dd about good/bad touches--it will include both sexes. I don't live under a rock....I know both sexes AND the people close to my dd can hurt her. I will constantly talk to her/remind her about good/bad touches from both sexes and that she can tell me anything, etc.
Originally Posted by Mama2Bug
Like other posters, I worry about the message you are sending about men and boys in general. Your daughter will miss out on many wonderful and enriching experiences if you paint all males with such a broad brush. Would you pull her out of a male teacher's classroom?Refuse to let her play with a little boy at the playground? Not allow her to play at the home of a little girl who has a single father? It just seems SO exclusionary! Honestly, it makes me think of racism. If you had had some horrible experiences with people of a certain race, surely you wouldn't think it was alright to be prejudiced against all others of that race- right? I don't see gender as being drastically different.I can understand how people could see this as racism. But it's not. I don't see what's so wrong about not letting my dd be alone with men....for at least right now. What's so wrong about that? Would it make all of you happy if I had 20 men at my house and let them babysit my dd? She doesn't have a voice right now. When she's older/talking and knows good/bad touches,...I'm sure my view on things might change. For now, I don't see what the big deal is...neither does her father. We're both on the same level and agree on the same rules for our dd.
What if you someday have a son? Will you believe him to be inherently predisposed to bad things because he is male? No. I will treat him no differently than my dd....he won't be alone with men, will only be with a couple of my closets female family members, etc....at least until he talks and knows good/bad touches. Boys are hurt as well as girls. Neither of the children will be *alone* (out of eye's view) with another child until they are much older. Things happen. Period. I'd watch him with my hawk vision just as I do my dd.
After living in my house for 2 years, I was out walking dd up and down the sidewalk (and she took a nose dive today and it looks like I beat the heck out of her
) I finally met my neighbors sometime last week--2 female friends and one of their gramma's live in one house. Next door to them is one of their sisters who is married with 3 older kids. We've gone out to dinner and chatted a few times now.
One of the ladies came over yesterday to take dd to meet everyone. My house was a disaster, so it worked out great for us--I got to clean and they played with a baby. There was <gasp> a man over there...and one son! I knew this before letting dd go with the lady. She's "good people"...you just know these things. Her sister (who I had met) is "good people". I knew dd wouldn't be *alone* with the husband/son...so I let her go. (I changed her diaper before she went. Lady asked, "Want me to take a diaper incase she needs changed?" I responded, "No, she'll be okay." I'm funny with anyone I don't know....not just men).
She was gone for 2 hours! It was a breakthrough for me....I was actually kinda proud of myself. That was the first person other than G or dd's dad who's ever taken her outta my sight. But I know they're good people and love babies (and they were right across the street
). The husband held her w/o me being there. It's okay.
I went over there today for bible study. There were 2 men there who loved babies and had kids of their own. They held dd and I was fine with it. I sense good with them....peace. BUT!!! It will still take me a long time to actually leave her *alone* with a man/let him change her diaper--if that ever happens. That was the first time a man held dd other than her dad and GH...but I sensed peace.
I didn't grow up with any positive male role models. None. The first good guy that came alone was dd's dad. We've been together for many years. I trust him completely...but he's the only man I've learned to trust. Sure, he broke my heart to pieces (and still does, sigh)...but he's a good man.
I won't apologize for the rules/paranoia I have for my dd (or hypothetical son). I have the paranoia/rules for a reason--for the life lessons that I have had. My job is to raise my dd into a confident woman...and to protect her until she is a woman. I'm following *my* motherly instincts to protect her. My instincts differ from most of the women here (though not all...there are a few women who agree with me) but I'm okay with that. My dd is *exposed* to men....she's just not alone with them and won't be for a long time. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm protecting my baby from things that I know can and do happen in this world.