(No Title)

[Rosehip]

[Unoppressed MAMA Q]

I understand. I wish that ex and I could get along. I really, really, really do. But we can't, and it sucks.

[mama41]

I'm sorry, TT. Sure. Happens all the time. The other day I found myself angry at the marriage counselor who unwittingly set up a train wreck by insisting we go on a date -- I couldn't do it, he filed. But really it was delusional of me to believe that was the problem. The man's genuinely crazy, and I saw more than enough of it. Remembering that wasn't good, either.

When I look back, I realize that the times I thought of as good were just peaceful and reasonably functional. Two hours of happiness and content here and there. No crying, no agoraphobia, no apneic stupors, no checking out of conversation, no suppressed rages, no endless & circular self-analysis, no suicide threats, no money scares, no being cast as some sort of evil, oppressive mother figure. I'm just sorry I settled for so little.

I think, in a way, these sorrows might be a little like hanging onto the bikini that looked so hot when you were 14, and regretting that you can't wear it now. But of course you can't wear it now; they ain't half enough of it. Not because you did anything wrong, but because you're a grown woman. I think if we could actually see the guy, the marriage, in a form as solid & finite as a bathing suit, we'd feel totally ridiculous for pining over it & memorializing it, and toss it in the Goodwill bag.

[AntoninBeGonin]

[Sharondio]

Most of the grieving we do when we leave a marriage for whatever reason is over the loss of a *dream*. We have to let go of those images we held dearly in our heads of whatever it is that kept us in the marriage. Growing old together, parenting together, etc. Once you accept that what you are letting go of is just a thought in your head and not reality, it get's easier.

It's normal to think about "what if" and "what should have been", but the simple truth is, it was unlikely to have been anywhere near what you dreamed about.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by Sharondio

Most of the grieving we do when we leave a marriage for whatever reason is over the loss of a *dream*. We have to let go of those images we held dearly in our heads of whatever it is that kept us in the marriage. Growing old together, parenting together, etc. Once you accept that what you are letting go of is just a thought in your head and not reality, it get's easier.

It's normal to think about "what if" and "what should have been", but the simple truth is, it was unlikely to have been anywhere near what you dreamed about.

Wow. Very wise words.

[Chantelle691]

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I would be, too.

[Rosehip]

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[Rosehip]

Originally Posted by Sharondio

Most of the grieving we do when we leave a marriage for whatever reason is over the loss of a *dream*. We have to let go of those images we held dearly in our heads of whatever it is that kept us in the marriage. Growing old together, parenting together, etc. Once you accept that what you are letting go of is just a thought in your head and not reality, it get's easier.

It's normal to think about "what if" and "what should have been", but the simple truth is, it was unlikely to have been anywhere near what you dreamed about.

Yes, the dream of what I hoped it would be, and worked so hard for, but never was. So true, thank you for the reminder!

[eurobin]

I understand.

I felt sad when he turned 30 without me. I remember when he turned 16. *His* 30th birthday was hard on me.

Mother's day this year was very hard on me. I have one of the best mothers in the world but I still wanted to know that the man who had helped me become a mother thought the world of me. And you know what? Ex-h actually gave me a nice card and a gift certificate for a spa pedicure... so I'm worlds above where I expected. But still. I still cried that day.

I still have not found a way to truly make peace with the loss of what "should have been." So no advice, but support and

[mamamoo]

Originally Posted by eurobin

I understand.

I felt sad when he turned 30 without me. I remember when he turned 16. *His* 30th birthday was hard on me.

Mother's day this year was very hard on me. I have one of the best mothers in the world but I still wanted to know that the man who had helped me become a mother thought the world of me. And you know what? Ex-h actually gave me a nice card and a gift certificate for a spa pedicure... so I'm worlds above where I expected. But still. I still cried that day.

I still have not found a way to truly make peace with the loss of what "should have been." So no advice, but support and

Same here. My X just turned 30, and I remember celebrating his 20th with him. So I took the kids and we bought him a movie and an ice cream cake, and we had a little celebration at his house. It was fun, but bittersweet. He gave me a huge hug when I left, and it was just sad. Mother's Day was hard, our anniversary, all three of those big events were within days of each other. Early May was tough. LOL

I think it'll get easier, like someone else said as the dream of what could have been fades...I just ache for my kids. I know their pain all too well.

[SimpleJoys]

I helped put my ex through college. I didn't finish at the time because he got a hot job assignment and we had to move. His career always came first and I moved all over the world to be his cheering and support section. I could never advance my career because we were always moving with his. His needs always came first. After over three decades of marriage I left because I realised that for all my sacrifice I had never, and I mean never, been respected.

Sometimes I shake my head at the willful way he disregarded me and threw our marriage out like dirty water, but now I am a happier woman. I have things I wouldn't trade about the past, like my children and the travel and the experiences overseas. It is all water under the bridge now and I am glad he is gone.

[shell024]

I'm still gradually letting go of the dream of what I thought we were, and what I thought we would be. The lonely moments are so hard though. Just want to lend some support, you are not alone.

[peachymomma]

I am having a rough time too... It is getting better though. You have received so many great responses here.

I hope your feeling better today.

[Rosehip]

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