DD doesn't want to go with Daddy

[lah7]

What do I tell DD when she says she doesn't want to go with my stbx? She has now said, several times, that she doesn't want to go with him when it's time for a visit. After he left and she hadn't seen him for about a week, she said that she was glad he didn't live here anymore to mess up our weekends. Today, she said that she didn't care that he left and took his stuff, but she was mad he took some of her things without asking.

She's 6. Part of me is glad she isn't easily manipulated by him, but I'm also a.) trying not to badmouth him myself, and don't want to "allow" her to do it, b.) want her to respect other people, in general.

How should I respond to her complaints? It's very difficult when I agree so wholeheartedly to say anything but "yup, you're right." Obviously, I don't, but I don't know how TO respond. Of course, he's still going on about getting shared custody which is absurd in his case, but more than anything, I think it would be terrible for the kids, especially since DD is already complaining about afternoons with him.

[Chantelle691]

Oh my.

My dd did this for a while (she's six as well). Things got much better for us when xh got a girlfriend with kids, dd has 'friends' to play with now and it's much easier. I'd say maybe practice some of those responsive parenting phrases, "I'm sorry you're feeling that way." "Wow, you sound upset. What do you think you can do about this?"

I just read a book called Joint Custody with a Jerk which talks a lot about who owns the problem, and then how to solve it. It's not really a man-bashing, or ex-bashing book, but it had a lot of great advice.

[SimpleJoys]

She is feeling loyal to you. By going willingly with him, she might be disloyal. At least in her own eyes. I would just say, Hmm, I see or I hear you. Neither agreeing or disagreeing. I have to tell you that my Dss complains to his mom about everything that happens at our house. However, while he is here, he is laughing, cutting up with his dad, going fun places and seeing his old friends. He even complained about Disney World to her though he says over here how much fun it was.I think in my Dss's case he is saying what he thinks his mom wants to hear, which is a negative report in general about time with dad.Even my adult children do this at times, complaining about my ex to me when they actually had a good time with him.

[ShadowMom]

angilyn, this is one possible explanation, but not the only one.

To the OP - you don't have to agree with her, but you don't want to invalidate her feelings. They are her feelings and she can feel what she wants. KWIM? She doesn't have to like visiting him; but she does have to visit him, at least for now.

I would definitely avoid badmouthing him, though... that's kind of like badmouthing her. KWIM? Because he's a part of her. And kids realize that on a fundamental level. Say only positive things that will help to nourish their relationship. Even if you feel someone is a crappy parent, I believe having a good relationship is important to encourage because it's so much easier to get over having a crappy parent than having no parent. If that makes sense. As long as the child is protected and not in any danger.