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[emmasmommy]

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[elmh23]

We've explained things a little to our daughter, age 3, but a lot of it was based on her cousin, who is vent-dependant and has a g-tube, plus other tubes. I just told dd that niece has "bad lungs" (the terminology my SIL used) and couldn't breath without the tube. And the g-tube was so she can eat cause her throat and tummy don't work the way dd's does. When dd asked if her baby brother (who was in utero at the time dd first met niece) would have tubes, we just told her that everyone was different and he might need tubes like niece, but he might not just like dd.

I'm not sure who I would explain autism or down's though, since I've never had to.

[LotusBirthMama]

I think your explanation was fine. As far as what we do, I have only had to deal with the issue with my 10 and 5 year olds. For Down's I explained that they had an extra chromosome and it caused them to be different. Then when they ask in what ways are they different we discuss individuals we know with Down's. But my kids are super into anatomy and physiology so they "get" (on their own kid level) what a chromosome is.

Sophie has a friend with FAS and who was born addicted to drugs. After playing one day she wanted to know why A acted the way she did. W/O thinking I launched into the drugs and how it hurt A's brain when she was still in her mommy....etc. It was real quiet and then Sophie says, "Why on earth would A's mommy do that?" Duh. I neglected to tell my DD that A was adopted and now she thinks our good friend drank and did drugs while pregnant. It took a lot of explaining for her to get it.

My point is, I think its really complicated to explain differences to kids but if we are honest and age appropriate that we can get it all across. And that sometimes we may mess up in a huge way!

[LotusBirthMama]

I wanted to add that when I was a kid I can remember asking my dad about a person with one leg, I think, and he shushed me and got embarrassed and never did explain, so I came away with this feeling that it was shameful.

I want my kids to know that someone different is not something to be scared of of to shy away from.

[ShaggyDaddy]

both my kids have special needs (Autism and Williams Syndrome) I find that kids at the park/mall/whatever often ask questions like this. DS(3 - Autistic) is mostly non-verbal in public so I often just tell kids that he doesn't talk much yet. I find myself saying things like "He doesn't understand the game you are playing, he thinks tag is a pushing game" I find that more often than not that is more than enough for a kid at the park to adapt to playing with him.

As for the classroom setting, I would probably phrase it is a way that does not make it seem like there is something wrong with him. "The classroom is not right for some kids, so the school tries to make it closer to what he needs." The brain growing slower thing is inaccurate and could be insulting (and could innocently be uttered, and later find its way into some particularly nasty teasing by other kids).

DD(2 - WS) is tiny for her age so we don't usually get questions, except for "OMG, that baby is walking!?!"

[Norasmomma]

I've been curious about this myself, last year my good friends son was born with Downs, my DD is 7 months older than him and I wonder in the future how I will explain to DD about his condition or will she just not even wonder because she's always known him to be the way he is. I've already thought about how I would go about saying it to her, I just wonder if it will ever become necessary, although I'm sure it will at some time because he does have developmental delays, esp. his gross motor skills. He is a year old now, but he definitely is still very much like a younger baby because of his delays, but his communication is amazing. All DD wants to do is hold him and take care of him like a small baby.

[emmasmommy]

Thank you for the replies so far.

I know the brain thing wasn't completely accurate, but she asked me right out why they were like that, and it was the best thing I could come up with at that moment - dd doesn't take "let's talk about it later" for an answer. I will explain it differently if she asks questions again, but so far she hasn't, and I don't want to push it unless she does, because that will just make it a bigger thing than it is. It was in NO way meant to be insulting and I don't even think that she remembers it, and I think I explained the boy in her class by saying he thinks differently than everyone else, and that it isn't a bad thing at all that he has an aide to help him. This is why I was looking for feedback. I don't want her to think badly of anyone with special needs - and she doesn't, but I also don't want to just pretend the differences don't exist.

FAS would be a hard one to explain, not only to others, but to the person who has it, especially if they are able to understand. One of the athletes in my group is VERY angry with her mother because she has FAS and doesn't understand why her mom would do that to her.

[hippymomma69]

Okay I guess I'll respond here.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. If someone described my SN DD (APD, SPD) as having a brain that was growing too slowly for her body I would be upset. I just don't like that explanation - although I know you were under the gun to give an answer....but I just really don't like that explanation. At. All.

As always, ShaggyDaddy has put it very well...he has a good suggestion about how to approach future questions about the child in her class.

I know this stuff is hard - even as the parent of a special needs child, I'm not sure how I will approach this stuff with my kids. My instinct is to just say "some people are wired a little differently and need some extra help with certain things - just like some people might need help learning to read or help doing math....". But I also think it's okay to tell your daughter "I don't know" and maybe the two of you can research this stuff together - or tell her you'll get back to her after you do some research.

Just curious. Why is it "obvious" that you can't ask the teacher what the boy's diagnosis is? Is there some rule against it at the school? (My DD is still in pre-k so I don't know what the rules are in K). I was just wondering....as a parent, I prefer that folks know what my daughter's diagnosis is and what it means so there isn't confusion - but maybe they won't allow the teacher to explain it to kids?

Anyway, that's my take.....hth
peace,
robyn

[Kayaking Mama]

Originally Posted by hippymomma69

Just curious. Why is it "obvious" that you can't ask the teacher what the boy's diagnosis is? Is there some rule against it at the school? (My DD is still in pre-k so I don't know what the rules are in K). I was just wondering....as a parent, I prefer that folks know what my daughter's diagnosis is and what it means so there isn't confusion - but maybe they won't allow the teacher to explain it to kids?

In public schools, teachers are bound by confidentiality. If the child's parent wants to come in and discuss it with the class, that's fine, but the teacher can't discuss it unless there's a signed consent form from the parent (and I'm not sure if all schools even allow it then).

I agree, the "brain growing too slowly" explanation isn't ideal. I think I'd go more with talking about how different people learn in different ways, and how things that are easy for some people are hard for others and vice versa. I also think that an on-the-spot discussion is better than "we'll talk about it later"--I think it's less stigmatizing if you can just speak freely about it even if the person is right there (being respectful, of course).

[hippymomma69]

Originally Posted by Kayaking Mama

In public schools, teachers are bound by confidentiality. If the child's parent wants to come in and discuss it with the class, that's fine, but the teacher can't discuss it unless there's a signed consent form from the parent (and I'm not sure if all schools even allow it then).

Ah, okay. Oh the joys of public education...we're getting ready to enter the fray next year so I'm sure I'm about to learn all of this! LOL Anyway, I'll add that to my list of things to discuss with the K teacher in the fall....

peace,
robyn

[ShaggyDaddy]

I wanted to clarify that I was not trying to scold, I understand very well how hard questions can be on the spot, just more trying to give ideas for the future.

Oh and also technically speaking, children who are Autistic have significantly faster brain growth than typically developing children. that is why this stood out to me.

[emmasmommy]

Originally Posted by hippymomma69

Okay I guess I'll respond here.

I know this stuff is hard - even as the parent of a special needs child, I'm not sure how I will approach this stuff with my kids. My instinct is to just say "some people are wired a little differently and need some extra help with certain things - just like some people might need help learning to read or help doing math....". But I also think it's okay to tell your daughter "I don't know" and maybe the two of you can research this stuff together - or tell her you'll get back to her after you do some research.

This is what I wanted to say to her, but obviously it came out wrong, and again I apologize, and really didn't mean to cause any hurt feelings at all. I wish I could say I don't know to my dd, but when she asks a question, she wants an answer NOW and researching it and getting back to her doesn't cut it. She will ask and ask and ask and ask until I give her some kind of an answer right then and there. I had to explain sex to her while we were rushing out the door to daycare because she wouldn't take "lets talk about it when we have more time" as an answer.

Others have already covered the issue about why I can't talk to the teacher about the boy's diagnosis. It's one thing if the parent is volunteering that info to me, but not the teacher. Just like I wouldn't want dd's teacher talking about her progress/issues whatever with another parent.

[Jennifer3141]

Now granted, I have no intention of ever enrolling my children in school so my opinion is biased; but if your child is asking questions about this other possibly autistic child in her class isn't it likely other children are too? I understand the teacher cannot speak to you about a specific diagnosis but perhaps you should call her attention to the fact that you know of at least one child who is curious. I would think that the earlier and kinder this subject is addressed, the easier it will be for everyone to understand.

And the slow brain thing did make me chuckle. Explain that to my developmental pediatrician who thinks DS is pondering mathematics about 5 years beyond his peers so far.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy

As for the classroom setting, I would probably phrase it is a way that does not make it seem like there is something wrong with him. "The classroom is not right for some kids, so the school tries to make it closer to what he needs." The brain growing slower thing is inaccurate and could be insulting (and could innocently be uttered, and later find its way into some particularly nasty teasing by other kids).

: DS's brain is growing just right, thank you very much. His brain may work DIFFERENT than typical children, but he's not slow. Perhaps read some books with her (and/or even volunteer to come to the school to read some books to her class) about how everyone is different and some people can do *x* but have trouble with *y*, etc.

[emmasmommy]

This will be my last reply to this thread, and I would like to just let it die.

I appreciate all the comments, even those berating my wording. I have thought a LOT about this last night and feel really badly about how I explained things. I knew my explanation wasn't great or correct and i wanted to find out a better way to explain things, and now I do.

I apologize for ALL feelings that are hurt - even those who haven't replied. That was not my intention at all. I first tried to explain that A doesn't understand things the same way that she does (ie he isn't "bad" for running from the classroom, he just doesn't understand that you aren't supposed to do that at school) and she wanted to know why he didn't understand. Now I have a better way to explain that to her and I do appreciate that.

I may talk her teacher about how they've been handling it in the classroom, but I will leave to the teacher to read a book about it to the kids - or handle it how she wants to - it's her classroom, not mine, and I get the feeling that she and the aide want A to be treated as any other kid in the class. I can find a book to read to my own dd.

I was going to say more, but I just think I will end up digging myself in deeper.

[Kristine233]

I have a Autistic son and 2 NT kids. I have already had to explain to THEM about DS's Autism. If its hard for me to explain to my own kids, I do realize its hard for parents of just NT kids to explain, especially if they dont really understand the SN.

I know the slow brain growing thing wasn't meant to be offensive (and you realize now that it is, so I wont berate you for tha t, lol) but I want to give you an alternative. We say DS's brain works "differently", not slower. My girls totally get this and when I talk to other kids they seem to get it too. Especially when I point out that DS is awesome at video games, problem solving and likes baseball. We explain that each child has thier own unique talents and thier own way of doing things. Because DS does things differently he has a helper to help him.

This year I got the joy of explaining why DS will have a full time PCA this summer (who happens to be grandma this year) and why she isn't here to play with the girls specifically and he may be leaving with her to do other things. But I could cheat on this one, I told them that the PCA will be coming to play with DS so the girls will have more time to play together themselves. The girls get special "girl time" while DS gets "DS time" and someone to play with him too. And they will have someone there to specifically mediate between them when they play together. They are all looking forward to this.