Is this a horrible thing to say to my mother?

[GiGiQ]

My mother emails me at least 3 times a day, and if she doesn't hear from me more than once, she calls my husband and asks him to make sure to call her as soon as I'm in labor (I've told her countless times over the last 7 months or so that I'll call her when the time is right and that it will probably be after the birth as I don't want a lot of people present or calling for updates while I'm laboring). My mother is the queen of heaving a martyred sigh and saying "well, I don't want to be a bother" while ignoring what anyone else wants or says. She has some mental challenges from a stroke she had when I was a child, so getting angry at her always leaves me feeling really mean and petty, since I know she can't help the way she is sometimes. However, I'm hot, I'm sick of getting third-hand updates on the state of my cousin's cervix from every member of the family who are obviously hoping I'll discuss my "progress" with them, and I can't take another passive-aggressive phone call to my husband wheedling about me not calling, so I'm about to send the following email:

"Please stop trying to bully Ian and I. You will be called when it is time to call you, and your whining and pushing doesn't give me any confidence that calling you a minute sooner than I want to see you will be a good idea. Please make an effort to understand that I'm not you and I'm not your nieces. The fact that I want privacy and quiet surrounding this birth doesn't mean I don't love you, but I'm very serious about it. The pushier you are, the less I want to tell you ANYTHING. In the course of a lifetime, having to wait a few hours or even days to hear about the birth isn't a big deal. Please don't make me regret having shared the hospital information and my new address with you. I have no reason to believe the baby will be here before the beginning of June, and every person who calls to ask if I'm still pregnant or to get reassurance that someone will call them when I'm not just makes me more reclusive. The baby will be here when she's ready and I will announce it when I'm ready, end of story."

[thismama]

I think that sounds great. She might be mad. But you gotta assert yourself or she will just play her own agenda, yk?

[IntoTheRoseGarden]

Originally Posted by GiGiQ

The fact that I want privacy and quiet surrounding this birth doesn't mean I don't love you, but I'm very serious about it. The pushier you are, the less I want to tell you ANYTHING. In the course of a lifetime, having to wait a few hours or even days to hear about the birth isn't a big deal.

I have no reason to believe the baby will be here before the beginning of June, and every person who calls to ask if I'm still pregnant or to get reassurance that someone will call them when I'm not just makes me more reclusive. The baby will be here when she's ready and I will announce it when I'm ready, end of story."

I think you will get better results if your wording is a little different. It seems like the above is the main point, and it would be better to just stick to that, and leave out references to "whining," etc. It is important for you to be assertive, but you don't have to be insulting. Just MHO.

Best of luck!

ETA: Linked to this thread from the main page. I didn't mean to crash your DDC. Hope you don't mind!

[PuppyFluffer]

I agree with your stance and I'd send it! It is very important to set boundries, especially with people who have trouble respecting them.

[kgrace]

I was tempted to send a similar email. I know I feel worse with the martyred personalities everything turns to be about Them!! I´m still shocked by everyone thinking they should know how dilated I am. I don´t know and don´t care.This is a little more subtle way to say Leave Us Alone!!


my baby's not a library book
so she's not overdue
my baby don't take long to cook
coz she's not veggie stew

my baby's not an elephant
and I'm not fit to burst
the time and date aren't relevant
we're blessed with days, not cursed

my baby can't read dates as yet
because she's very new
so there's no cause to fuss and fret
if she don't come on cue

so stop your worry,
stop your asking,
there's no hurry
we're relaxing
in this golden pregnant time
this pause, which is just hers and mine.
You leave us be, we are just fine

[UnskulinMama]

Oh my gosh, I would've loved to have that poem to send to my own mother a couple of weeks ago!

[APmom2Libby]

If it makes you feel any less mean and petty, I sent my mom home after she drove 6 hours to help with DD1. She was here for 2 hours before I realized the GRAVE mistake I made in having her come. Thankfully, a dear friend advised me on how to break the news to her that she had to go.....she told me to tell her I was crazy and hormonal and didn't want to say or do something that would hurt her, and that it would be best if she went home, but was welcome to stay for a day and rest before driving back.

She took it okay---cried a bit, and then decided to drive home right away.

This time, she is coming in late June to see the baby....

Oh, and yes, she was calling like crazy at the end. I did have to tell her I was tired and needed to sleep, so not to call anymore and that we would call her when labor started. She still called, but less often.

HTH's a LITTLE!

[annettemarie]

Just popping in, but that poem is the best thing ever. I go overdue with each baby--with Daniel it was three weeks!--and I am going to save it for the next one.