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Feeling sad

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
I've been having a hard time lately with feeling sad about the way my birth went. I think it's mostly disappointment because I really expected that this birth would be "better" than my first--it wouldn't be so rushed and scary, I would get to go into labor on my own, I would have my baby naturally, etc.

Even when it became apparent that I would need some intervention, in the form of an induction, to ensure my baby's (and my own) safety, I was confident and optimistic. I packed my bag with all the labor aids that I hadn't had the time to get the first time. I was armed with information and strategies, and I was confident. I was a bit disappointed not to have the experience of going into labor on my own again, but didn't really worry about it at the time. (Although now I'm disappointed that I can't vote on the water breaking poll and contribute to our ddc's crazy statistics ) But I was not prepared for the c-section. I knew nothing about them, other than I wasn't going to have one. I know I should have done a bit of research and acknowledged that it was a possibility, since I know how quickly an induction can lead to one. But I'd had a successful early induction before, so it didn't occur to me to consider that I might not be so lucky this time.

I think what's really bothering me, though, is that the decision for the surgery was made before I even had a chance to labor. I literally feel like I had no part in Samuel's birth. At least with dd's birth, even though it was much more managed than I wanted and not natural, I ended with the satisfaction of having birthed my baby. This time, birth was done to me, not by me. In fact, when I talk about it, I've noticed that I rarely refer to "when he was born"; I almost always speak of "when I had the surgery". A co-worker asked last week about my birth story, and I replied that I didn't really have one; it was just a c-section. (I think I posted something similar to that here when I posted his pics, too.) I just feel so disconnected from it all.

I'm grateful that I have access to medical care that makes it possible for me to have healthy babies, as I know that without intervention, it would be much less likely that I would have a baby at all. And while I wouldn't say that my c-section was medically necessary, I do believe it was a prudent decision. But I still feel sad about it. I will never have a natural birth. If we have another child, it will be a repeat section because there are no hospitals around here that will allow VBAC and no midwives who would take me for homebirth with my history.

Sorry this got so long and rambly. I'm just surprised that I've found myself so bothered by this, and I've been dwelling on it quite a bit lately. If anyone has ideas for getting over myself and moving on, I'd love to hear them. Thanks for reading.
post #2 of 19
Lots of hugs mama. I am sorry that you didnt get the birth you wanted. I dont really have any suggestions, i just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts, and i am sending you quick easy healing vibes. Rest well, and make sure you are getting the love and support you need.
post #3 of 19
I think the most important thing is not to push yourself to "get over it". You need to feel the emotions you are feeling to move through them and beyond. If you rush the process, you won't truly move through it.

I have not been where you are, but I've dealt with great disappointment before. I think you will get a lot of support here.
post #4 of 19
Take care of yourself and don't let anybody suggest that just because you have a bouncing bundle of joy you can't be grieving too.
post #5 of 19
from one c-section mama to another. I had one with Holden due to complete previa.

Take the time to 'mourn' what you missed, and don't let anyone push you or make you feel you should get over it. Thankfully I was able to do this, in my own way, and I've healed. I hope you can do the same.

Take care mama, we're here to listen.
post #6 of 19
Like others have said, give it all the time you need...and vent as you need to, we're here to listen.
post #7 of 19
I'm right there with you, mama. My ds' birth still makes me cry (c/s before I even went into labor). I found a lot of support healing by participating in the ICAN Yahoo Group (we don't have a really active chapter here, but maybe there's one in your area).

Big hugs s to you.
post #8 of 19
Hugs.

I'm glad you were able to come on and write about your experience. It will really help to process things. Keep sharing. Keep feeling.

Amy
post #9 of 19
I posted the following on another forum and thought maybe it would help you. I am a week and a half PP and doing better every day, but I'm still very sad about my birth experience. DH and I had prepared ourselves extensively for an unassisted birth, but did little to no preparation for a c-section, because, "I wasn't having one." I too feel like my baby was cut out of me, not birthed by me. I am also scared to death that I will never be able to birth a baby naturally, but I guess I will cross that road when I come to it...

Our baby boy August Elwin was finally born on Monday at 8:49 by cesarean section. He was 8 lbs 2 oz, 21.5 inches long. I am still trying to process everything, and am quite devastated about the things that happened at the hospital. The hospital was only our "last resort" if something went really wrong, and even with over a year of daily researching and positive thinking about UP/UC, I somehow managed to land myself right onto the c-survivor list anyway. After having contractions and vomiting for almost 4 days straight with no sleep and at the end uncontrollable hip and back pain, I gave up. I knew the baby was head down, but I never got an urge to push and I could never tell whether my cervix had dilated or not. When I got to the hospital they told me I was 100% effaced, but only 'finger-tip' dilated after four days. At that point I was hallucinating from the lack of sleep. Even though I know it would have been physically impossible for me to continue on my own, I still don't understand why this happened. The doctor basically said that the baby's head was tilted so that he was trying to come down the birth canal ear first. And when he was born, one side of his head and jaw was definitely very flat where it had been pressed against his shoulder for so long. This has made it very hard for us to breastfeed (along with the suctioning they did when he was born, but that's a whole different issue that I won't go into right now).

Looking back now, I wonder if maybe I missed the signal to push, and my cervix closed back up? Is that even possible? Or if my LO was coming ear-first and had been in that position for some time (I feel that at least for 2 months he had been in one spot), was I destined to have a c-section all along? I am so confused. I always knew he was head-down and felt very comfortable with that. I never worried about the possibility that his head could be turned in a way that would make it impossible for a normal delivery. I know that since I was vomiting for so many days that my body was probably trying to adjust his position, but looking at his head and jaw now, I really doubt if it was even possible. This goes against everything I have learned and believe. I don't understand why I labored for so long, or how I could have an absolutely beautiful, perfect pregnancy and still have it end like this? I always knew there was that tiny, tiny chance it could happen, but now that it has, I don't even have a reason as to why. I am so confused and sad because if I couldn't birth a baby properly with my uncut uterus, how the hell am I going to be able to now?

I feel like I was very strong in some ways by going UP and listening to my body, and then by handling 80 hours of intense labor at home and another 12 while hooked up to pitocin (with no epidural). Yet I feel so pathetic that my cervix couldn't even dilate on its own. Or that I had to go to the hospital in the end basically because of a lack of sleep and no change in my labor. I keep asking myself, "What the hell is wrong with me?" I had no other problems during the pregnancy, and then, wham! The birth was everything I tried to prevent and everything I didn't want. (Other than the laboring at home for the first three days, I am at least thankful for that.)

I am so happy to finally have my baby in my arms, but know it is the beginning of a long journey of healing. I thought I was prepared for this, but apparently not for the total state of confusion and unanswered questions that came with it. On top of that, I am still fighting with the hospital who agreed to give us the placenta but then lied to us and said they had to do testing on it. I still want it, even though I can't eat it now. I need to at least see it and know that it existed and did indeed help to grow my baby properly. There is a list of other things that happened, and someday I'll write up a birth story, but I just needed to get this off my chest for now I guess...
post #10 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by kwilki8 View Post
This time, birth was done to me, not by me. In fact, when I talk about it, I've noticed that I rarely refer to "when he was born"; I almost always speak of "when I had the surgery". A co-worker asked last week about my birth story, and I replied that I didn't really have one; it was just a c-section. (I think I posted something similar to that here when I posted his pics, too.) I just feel so disconnected from it all.
I can absolutely relate to that, esp the parts I bolded. I've somewhat come to peace with DS's section, but only after years of processing it and starting to tell people my true feelings on it (mine had zero medical indication ... I tell people the doctor wanted to get home for dinner). I'm sorry you are feeling this way, and talking about it and reading will probably be helpful to you. And please don't let anyone flake you off by saying "well, a healthy baby is most important!" I hate that!! Duh, of *course* that is the most important thing, that goes without saying. And to say it makes your feelings seem insignificant or petty, and they're not!
post #11 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer View Post
I think the most important thing is not to push yourself to "get over it".
First s to you. I'm sorry you did not get the birth you want. Second, I agree don't push yourself. Maybe try and focus on the good parts, even if it's just for right now. Maybe the more you can focus on what's good and important right now, the more you will be able to process those harder emotions easier.

post #12 of 19
Big

Having been through a c-section and a VBAC with way more intervention than I wanted, I can feel your pain. Please continue to come here for support, and consider joining the ICAN list. For me, it was so important to talk to others who understood that I was grieving the loss of the birth experience I had hoped for. Yes, I had a healthy baby, and was thankful for that, but it was not "all that matters." I wish you the best in processing your experience. And congratulations on the birth of your little one!
post #13 of 19
Oh, and I haven't checked it out, but there is a tribe in FYT for mamas working through a disappointing birth experience. You may be able to find some support there.
post #14 of 19
s Kelly. I agree with everyone else. Don't try to force yourself to "get over it." You have every right to grieve and mourn what happened to you. I also thought you might find this thread on resources to help heal from birth trauma to be helpful.

It can be done. Have compassion for yourself, and know that it will take time .
post #15 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by shamarico View Post
And when he was born, one side of his head and jaw was definitely very flat where it had been pressed against his shoulder for so long. This has made it very hard for us to breastfeed (along with the suctioning they did when he was born, but that's a whole different issue that I won't go into right now).
Shamarico, there were several things from your post I wanted to address -- I hope you come back to check what is said here. You mention having problems nursing due to his position and also suctioning. I had horrific nursing issues with dd1 due to deep suctioning for meconium staining. We used craniosacral therapy and crying in arms to help her heal, so I wanted to offer that up in the hopes our experience might help you. I wrote about it at length here. If you are interested in pursuing CST, you can search for a practitioner here. Look for someone who has CSI, CSII, SERI and CSP at a bare minimum (the coursework comes up when you do the search).

I also wanted to mention that your son's position may have caused him a lot of pain, and also emotional trauma (fear, etc.) that can affect him. I also had a tipped head when I was born, and only found it out during a CST session (later confirmed with my mother). I carried the memory of that in my body for over 30 years in the form of a kink in my neck (that I wasn't even aware of). I wrote about that experience here, and how CST helped me heal (I have revisited my own birth during numerous sessions to process and heal from it).

I guess all of this is to say there is a way for you to help your son and yourself. Actually, there are surely many different ways, but I am sharing what worked for us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shamarico View Post
I am so confused and sad because if I couldn't birth a baby properly with my uncut uterus, how the hell am I going to be able to now?
It can be done. I didn't have the c/s factor to contend with, but there are many, many women who go on to successfully VBAC. But it is possible to have a healing birth after a traumatic birth. I did.

post #16 of 19
I don't want to hijack this thread, but thank you so much for the info Shanana. Ironically, I had my husband reading the story of your first birth on day three of my labor, in the hopes that he wouldn't get scared that it was taking so long. I am more of a lurker than a poster here for sure, and I read many, many of your posts while I was pregnant. Maybe that was a sign of things to come? Your experiences gave me a lot of strength through this whole thing, and I was not afraid when it seemed that I wasn't progressing. I would never have known about prodromal labor or CST without reading your stories...how funny that they were already in my head when I went into labor! I just want to say thanks for sharing your experiences...I probably would have gotten scared and only labored for a day before transferring if I wasn't thinking that "someone else has gone through this" already. And thanks again for posting here so I (and others) have all the links in one spot. Your "birth trauma" definitely helped another mama deal with hers!
post #17 of 19
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I need to hear that it is okay for me to struggle with this disappointment, because I have been the one telling myself that I should just be thankful to have a healthy baby. Heck, I should be thankful that as far as c-sections go, mine was really good, with wonderful and respectful caregivers. And my recovery hasn't been horrid; I'm actually starting to feel like myself again. I have so many good things that I get a bit disgusted with myself for getting upset over what I don't have.

Although, I'm starting to wonder if there is something else going on and I'm just focusing on the c-section because I can identify it as a cause of my sadness. I've been crying a lot over the past few days for no apparent reason.

Anyway, thanks for listening.
post #18 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by shamarico View Post
Your "birth trauma" definitely helped another mama deal with hers!
I am so very glad to hear it .

Quote:
Originally Posted by kwilki8 View Post
Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I need to hear that it is okay for me to struggle with this disappointment, because I have been the one telling myself that I should just be thankful to have a healthy baby.
I'm glad it was helpful. It's okay to be upset about this, even if there are a lot of good things that have happened.
post #19 of 19
Big big hug from me. This was out of your hands. Sometimes a baby will just have his head turned the wrong way, and you will never find out why or if it could have been changed. You can second guess from now on and to kingdom come and you will never know. Do know that you did the best you could. You did the right things - and you listened to your body when it told you that something was not right, and that you needed help. That is a valuable part of UC'ing - to be able to listen to ones body. Choosing UC doesnt mean nothing will ever go wrong - it just means that you will be the one to call the shots and to decide what to do if something goes wrong.
I have been in your exact situation. I planned a UC - thought I did everything right - never planned for a section cause that would never happen to me. But it did - for much the same reason you had one. My sons head was turned in the wrong direction, and nomatter what we did he wouldnt turn it the right way to fit through the pelvis.
Lots of thoughts for you - I know how it feels to loose that birth you have hoped for and planned for so long. And its ok to grieve that. And yes- sure you can birth normally next time - dont worry about that. You did all great - this was just out of your hands :
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