I lost my brother to suicide last February. Unspeakable pain. Just pain.
He didn't leave me a note. He didn't call me the day he died. And I am still in pain over the huge void he left.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Suicide is such a terrible thing to go through - for everyone involved.
I totally get you on the police part. I found my brother 5 days after he killed himself and had to call the police. I was able to sit with him until they arrived, but then they made me leave since they processed the scene as a potential murder until they had more info.
I remember standing outside and wanting to go to him so bad. I kept asking the police if I just sit on the sofa beside him..... So so sad.
I have to say that I ended up getting grief counseling and it was the best thing I've ever done.
Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk. I would be happy to call you and just listen for a while.....