Am i making a mistake??

[beansmama]

Or should i say, "did i" make a mistake?

I don't know...just reading some of these threads, about how your x's were abusive...whether physically and/or verbally...and here i am, having dealt with nothing like that. Just makes me feel like, WHOA...what did i just do?

Here's my lil story:

Got engaged at 16, married right after i turned 17. By the time i got married i knew i wasn't in love. I was too young! But we stuck it out, had a seperation a few years into the marriage - got back together 6 months later, because i was "lonely", then we had a kid. I knew right after i got prego that i still wanted a divorce - but was scared to be a single mom. So once again...i stuck it out.

I don't believe i ever loved my husband. He is my best friend - so i loved him in that way, but i am not physically attracted to him at all...or "in love" with him. Infact, the idea of being intimate with him honest really grosses me out. That may sound cruel and immature...but it's the god honest truth. Which is why it's been nearly 2 years now since we've had sex. I think since i got pregnant (my kid just turned 4) we've *maybe* had sex 4 times. I'm talking 4 *short* times. I never had an O (sorry if that's tmi!).

But other than that...he is my best friend (although he's very hurt over the divorce of course, to the dynamics have changed...). He's a great husband - supportive, good provider - hell, he even gave me massages on a nightly basis...helped around the house, was a great father...i really don't think i will ever find someone like him again...

yet here i am, my divorce about to be final in about 2 weeks...damn. Did i just really screw up? Does love matter? Does sex matter? I just felt like it wasn't fair to him to be in a loveless marriage. I probably could've stuck it out...but i was in total hybernation mode - depressed and eating non stop - i had no friends...now that i'm out of that i'm happy, in a way, but broken hearted over my broken family, losing my best friend, and i HATE being lonely!

I just wanted some advice/input.

Thanks!

[pranamama]

it's nice to hear that some divorced men are really nice people. I think you'll both be happier if things stay pleasant for the divorce.

[littleaugustbaby]

I think you made the right choice. You weren't happy. No matter how much you loved him and wanted it to work, it wasn't working. And I'm guessing he wasn't happy either. You can't force yourself to be in love with someone, or be attracted to them. It hurts right now, but over time, it will hurt less, and you will both be able to move on -- and hopefully remain friends.

[beansmama]

thanks mamas!

Yes, i don't really want to go back to him because i don't think it's fair for HIM...or me i suppose.

And i am very lucky to have an x that i get along with (most of the time, anyway!)

[lah7]

My marriage started out as a bad idea where I wasn't happy. It took years to get to the point of being definitely abusive. I don't think anyone should force themselves to be unhappy just because it hasn't passed some arbitrary line. For me, the obvious abuse gave me the strength to do what I should've done years ago. It wasn't the reason we're divorcing; it was the wake-up call that things had gone on far too long.

[BabyBearsMummy]

Wether or not there was abuse in your relationship with your ex is not the point you guys were living in a loveless mariage. Now you are both free to be alone or to find someone you want to truely share the rest of your life with which ever makes you happy. I hope once the hurt fades you and your ex will enjoy a wonderful co-parenting relationship.

[mosschops]

sorry, i'm being stalked

[Tilia]

I don't think you made a mistake. If you can't stay in the marriage, then you can't. You have to think about yourself at some point!

[hippiemom]

I was married for 12 years in a similar situation; met and had baby 1 very young, got married, set up house. Had 2 other kids whom we both loved and were devoted to. He was my best friend and we clicked on many levels, but romantic/sexual not at ALL after baby #1. Had next to no sex life, it was v sad. I just learned to live without it, was terrified to be single mom etc but then, I just could not carry on in a passionless life.

A couple of years after we split I had a short romance... he was not The One, but I was very attracted to him, and at the least, I was reminded how important that physical relationship is! All of the companionship part is equally so, but you should not feel bad about leaving a man you were not attracted to. That is so necessary for a healthy relationship and a healthy you. I too get along well with my ex, we are raising our kids as co parents, but we are free to seek partners that are fullfulling to each of us, which everyone deserves.

[Suzmama]

Originally Posted by beansmama

Or should i say, "did i" make a mistake?

Does love matter? Does sex matter? I just felt like it wasn't fair to him to be in a loveless marriage. I probably could've stuck it out...but i was in total hybernation mode - depressed and eating non stop - i had no friends...now that i'm out of that i'm happy, in a way, but broken hearted over my broken family, losing my best friend, and i HATE being lonely!

Thanks!

YES...love matters and sex matters and you deserve both. Your family is not "broken"...it sounds like your divorced family will be much stronger and happier, especially since you have the potential to have a positive co-parenting relationship, and to work on being a strong and happy role model for your DC's!

[rosadesal]

gosh..i just came here this morning to find a story like this to make me feel better, im so glad you posted. im in the process of splitting up with my boyfriend...we had split up in 2006 and got back together and got pregnant (shouldnt have gotten back together at all probabl, but i was lonely and scared) and now our daughter is 10 months old and weve realized....we arent in love. this isnt working. we havent had sex since before grace was born. and i sit here and think, am i really leaving a good person? is this right? am i being too picky? is real love possible? but then i think that yeah, we arent setting a good example of what a relationship should be like. and then i go back and forth about how maybe we *could*, but i know we wont, and ultimately im just scared and feeling very alone.

im so glad you posted. thank you.