Feel guilty for taking time for yourself?

[slm21bl]

I also posted this in Personal Growth but didn't get many responses.

Yeah I know that may sound crazy but I think that is my problem. I have these moments where everything starts annoying me. I feel like all three kids are coming at me at the same time, touching me, talking to me and I just can't take it. My DH usually tells me to go somewhere but that makes me feel like something's wrong with me because "I can't deal." I know I just need to take time for myself but I feel guilty when I do. I don't feel like I spend as much time with the kids like I used. But there is always something that needs to be taken of. And believe I've tried to "just let things go." I can't. It makes everything worse. I think I have OCD. But anyway, so I get to this point where I know I need time but in the back of my head I keep thinking that I should be playing with the kids or working with DS (2) on his shapes or teach DD (5) how to read. I feel like their are all these things that I need to do and aren't doing, so how can I possibly take time for me. I feel guilty. Uggh! This sucks. I have been feeling like this for a long time. Does anyone else feel like this? Or have any good suggestions or ideas?

[Cujobunny]

Yes, I also feel guilty for taking time for myself. The only time I can is on weekends when dh is home and can look after the children, so I feel bad for walking out on "family time" together... but we still have the whole rest of the weekend, so I don't know why I feel bad about taking an hour, but anyway, here's what I did...

I signed up for a yoga class every Saturday. It's one hour long, and I paid for it so that in itself makes me go. Also, I feel wonderful after doing it and that feeling lasts the whole week. It's like a 7 minute walk from my house so I enjoy the walk to and from as well.

It's hard to do, but it's so worth it. You will be a better mama if you give yourself what you need.

[Shonahsmom]

I feel far more guilty when I am being a less than stellar mama because I'm not meeting my own needs than I ever will for taking some time to recharge and nourish myself.

[EnviroBecca]

IKWYM! I do take time for myself, but I feel like I am always "paying for it" by having to stay up late or get up early just to keep up with the most basic tasks, like laundry and dishes. The reason I don't have time for chores and relaxing (in my limited time at home, as a WOHM) is that I spend so much time with my kid. Sometimes I am successful at getting him involved in the chores, or at relaxing while I'm playing with him, so that the time does double duty...but often that doesn't work and I feel like I'm constantly scrambling for time and wishing someone would just take care of me a little.

What really gets me is that my partner is so willing to say things like, "I'm really tired. I need to go to bed early." and just walk away assuming I will do everything with our kid for the rest of the evening. He falls behind on his chores and just figures I will understand and it's no big deal. Night after night I'm going to bed later and getting up earlier, yet HE complains about being tired! When I try to talk about this, often he acts as if it's just my choice (sort of value-neutral) to keep my responsibilities to the family and it's 100% my responsibility to see that I get adequate relaxation.

I have a major problem with tension headaches. The most common reason I demand time alone is to treat a headache with medication and stretching. Sometimes I think I "have to" get headaches in order to get a chance to relax. I have even caught myself letting a headache develop, instead of getting the coffee and ibuprofen that will stop it in the early stage, because it will guarantee me some time off that evening. That's warped! I need to stop it! But how???

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to say. Just empathizing.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

IKWYM! I do take time for myself, but I feel like I am always "paying for it" by having to stay up late or get up early just to keep up with the most basic tasks, like laundry and dishes. The reason I don't have time for chores and relaxing (in my limited time at home, as a WOHM) is that I spend so much time with my kid. Sometimes I am successful at getting him involved in the chores, or at relaxing while I'm playing with him, so that the time does double duty...but often that doesn't work and I feel like I'm constantly scrambling for time and wishing someone would just take care of me a little.

What really gets me is that my partner is so willing to say things like, "I'm really tired. I need to go to bed early." and just walk away assuming I will do everything with our kid for the rest of the evening. He falls behind on his chores and just figures I will understand and it's no big deal. Night after night I'm going to bed later and getting up earlier, yet HE complains about being tired! When I try to talk about this, often he acts as if it's just my choice (sort of value-neutral) to keep my responsibilities to the family and it's 100% my responsibility to see that I get adequate relaxation.

I have a major problem with tension headaches. The most common reason I demand time alone is to treat a headache with medication and stretching. Sometimes I think I "have to" get headaches in order to get a chance to relax. I have even caught myself letting a headache develop, instead of getting the coffee and ibuprofen that will stop it in the early stage, because it will guarantee me some time off that evening. That's warped! I need to stop it! But how???

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to say. Just empathizing.

Oh wow. Word for word I can relate exactly. With the exception that I still don't get to relax when I have a migraine. I always thought I was the only one that dealt with this issue and had a partner that so freely took what they need.

[newmommy]

*Sometimes* I feel guilty...as DS has gotten older, the guilt has lessened alot. DS will be 5 in July so he is slightly more independant than the infant/toddler years.

I DO take every Sunday afternoon for myself. Every Sunday. If I don't, I am not a good wife and I am not a good Mama. I become irritable and snappish and it takes me awhile to refocus and realize what's *really* going on with me (not taking care of myself).

When I come home, it is AMAZING how difference a few hours to myself can make me feel. Amazing, I'm telling you.

I feel so much better. It's *essential* for me to take time for myself.

[Hokulele]

First of all - three kids??? You need time to yourself! I go crazy with just one (and here I am, DC#2 on the way).

However, I know exactly where you are coming from. DD is almost three and I still can't take an hour to myself without the guilt flooding in. It just piles up - guilt that if I'm not with her she'll get hurt or whatever, guilt that DH works so hard all day (and night) at his job and then has to relieve me of childcare duties for a short time, and yes, just guilt that if I get an hour I might just sit around, eating junk food and surfing MDC ... rather than doing all the stuff that needs to get done.

The one thing that helped push my guilt away a little, was the phase when we established that there was a specific time of day / or time during the week when DH takes DD and I have time to myself. For a while it was bedtime - he does the bedtime routine, I veg on the couch. For a while it was Saturday morning grocery trips they took together - yes, I felt terrible that they were doing the grocery shopping when * I * am the SAHM, but my morning sickness was bad enough that I couldn't physically be in a food store for more than five minutes.

When we do have those routines in place (and they come and go) I look forward to it for days ahead of time. Sometimes I'll actually plan to do something constructive/productive when I'm alone. But somedays, if it has been a rough day, I'll just plan ahead that the minute I"m alone I will do NOTHING useful and it will be all good.

[Dena]

Originally Posted by Shonahsmom

I feel far more guilty when I am being a less than stellar mama because I'm not meeting my own needs than I ever will for taking some time to recharge and nourish myself.

This is my new mantra.

Op, I could have written your post. I frequently feel that way. But when I am able to get away and recharge, I am sooo much better with my kids and sooo much more fun to be around that even my three year old agrees it was worth it.

[Breeder]

Originally Posted by Shonahsmom

I feel far more guilty when I am being a less than stellar mama because I'm not meeting my own needs than I ever will for taking some time to recharge and nourish myself.

Yep, me too. Of course since I only have one DS (for the moment - very soon to change!) and he is five, I take that alone time once a week while he's at school (I WOH, but I work evenings).

Now when DS2 gets here it will be alot harder to do that.

Are you homeschooling? I ask because you are worried about teaching your DC to read.

[slm21bl]

I know I just to need make the time. I do feel like I'm a better Mom when I get time to recharge. DH has no problem taking time for himself and I'm always the one that tells him to go for it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. I am going to talk to hubby and set up a time for me.

No I don't homeschool. No way I could handle that. Those ladies that do, I admire you. But I do feel as a parent that it is my job to teach my child not the schools. She loves the social aspect of it and she does learn there I just don't relay on them to do it all.

[LilyGrace]

Ever wonder why the airline tells you to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others?

If you're not meeting your needs, you absolutely, positively CANNOT meet anyone else's. You might think you are, but everyone pays when mama isn't taking care of herself.

I latched onto a trick this morning. I was going shopping with a friend and noticed that the things I usually do - dishes, laundry, tidying up.....-plus the weekend chores were staring at me. So, I took a deep breath, rolled up my sleeves, and.......




.................put my hands on my hips, announced the chores needing to be done, and asked who was willing to do what while I was gone.


It worked. I asked for three things, I left, and came back to a clean house, a game being played, and lunch ready for me. And I feel great and relaxed.


If I had internalized it, no one would have known how I felt and the stress that was eating at me at having to do everything at home AFTER I took care of me. As it was, they still didn't know the stress I felt because it wasn't there anymore. I could state my needs and have them met - a very freeing feeling. And even better, by getting it out before I left, I could make sure that things at home would be taken care of, the way I needed it to be, so I wasn't worrying while I was gone.

[marybethorama]

Don't be so hard on yourself

It sounds like you really need to take care of yourself

It also sounds like you're setting really high standards for yourself. IMO it's not crucial that your 2 yo learns his shapes right away. FTR I never "taught" my kids their shapes. They just picked it up in the course of what we did (lots of reading, art projects, etc)

Same for your 5 yo and reading. There's still time. I have no issue with teaching a 5 yo to read but don't panic.