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"I would spank you if you were my child!" - Page 2

post #21 of 194
Thread Starter 
I am sad....

I don't have a lot of close friends. Maybe this is just the push I need to seek other mamas out.

Blessed, I understand what you are saying and that is one of the reasons why I told her I wanted to make other arrangments for Wed. Again, I can't guaranty that my DS won't have mean hands again at her house. It sickens me that we are going through this with him.

I am the mom that feeds my child very healthy and we have extensive tooth decay...

I am the mom that parents gently and I have the seemingly uncompassionate baby hitter...

I gets really discouraging at times. I get tired of hearing things like "well, just imagine how bad his teeth would have been if you weren't careful" and "just imagine how much meaner of a child he would be if you spanked and yelled and shamed"

I'm sorry. I just get really jealous of moms that don't try hard at all and don't have the issues that we have had.

I will go eat my worms now.
post #22 of 194
post #23 of 194
I'm sorry this is so hard. It doesn't seem fair .

When dd learned not to hit, I felt like it happened because it startled her to see normally gentle, steady mama angry at her. She learned that hitting was serious, and garnered a big response - much bigger than she wanted to deal with. I didn't (and never have) spanked or used a time out. But I showed her how angry it made me when she hit me.

I remember holding her in my arms and she swung back and popped me in the face while I was looking the other direction. I reacted very instinctually. I grabbed her kind of tightly, glared into her face and said "Don't you HIT me!!" It completely took her off guard and she was very upset. But it made a huge impression, and aside from some half hearted swiping when frustrated, she never really hit again.

I had the impression that this encounter with her friend was like that for your son. And maybe it's something that he's not had previously.

I think it's okay to show our kids our displeasure when their behavior steps outside of what's acceptable. I sort of think they need that, actually.
post #24 of 194
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post

I think it's okay to show our kids our displeasure when their behavior steps outside of what's acceptable. I sort of think they need that, actually.
I agree completely with this.

But didn't the friend of the OP suggest to the child she was thinking about hitting him? I think that's on a totally different plane than "You did something really awful and because of that I am very upset"
post #25 of 194
"Well, thank goodness he's NOT your child!" and find another sitter for those nights.

I wouldn't leave my child in that woman's care ever again. Playing together at our house? Fine. At the park where I can supervise? Fine. Alone with her? Never again.
post #26 of 194
Thread Starter 
I don't know how to bypass the impulse to hit...especially when he is being hit. Yeah, she was 18 months, but in that moment it becomes a knee-jerk reaction for him. When my nipple is bitten by my 9 month old I have had to stop my hand in mid smack because it just comes out of me. I am 32 and have impulse control, he is 4 and does not. We need help...

We haven't spoken yet. I feel like this is her way of "punishing me." She won't return calls, etc. Meanwhile, her husband keeps coming out of the house and glaring in my direction while I play outside with the kids. This is so lame...
post #27 of 194
Quote:
Originally Posted by soybeansmama View Post

We haven't spoken yet. I feel like this is her way of "punishing me." She won't return calls, etc. Meanwhile, her husband keeps coming out of the house and glaring in my direction while I play outside with the kids. This is so lame...

that is lame
post #28 of 194
Thread Starter 
yah, high school was fun, but I don't want to go back there...
post #29 of 194
Quote:
Originally Posted by One_Girl View Post
I think you should find someone else who doesn't have children to watch yours until your son gets out of the hitting phase. Having your small child hit by your friends much older child is not something that tends to make a friendship last whether the behavior is normal for that age or not.
I kind of agree with this. Her daughter is a baby and he hit her. I understand he is little and doesn't really understand either but I would probably over react about that too. She shouldn't have bragged about it later though. I think if she made a mistake like that she should have come to you apologetically instead of bragging. Did you give her a sort of discipline that you wanted her to use in situations like that? I have been a nanny before and I had a biter so I am seeing both sides of this. I told the mom of the child I was keeping that if she didn't want me keeping her DD until my DD got out of her biting phase (She was only 16 months old so there was no reasoning with that) that I understood. She still let me keep her though and my DD grew out of it pretty quickly. It is sad to lose friends so I hope this is something that can be worked out. Good luck!
post #30 of 194
Thread Starter 
He has never done this to her before. this was an isolated incident. the hitting phase we are dealing with right now is usually when his younger brother goes after his toys. we haven't had a chance to discuss the "what ifs" of this scenerio but we have been around eachother for the last 4 years. we have a pretty clear idea about how the other person would like to handle things.
post #31 of 194
Although I understand the impulse to protect a child, it is still absolutely inappropriate and inexcusable to yell at another mother's child like that, especially when it involves a threat of violence. I'd wager that her abusive tirade has done more damage to your son than your son did to her daughter.

I don't consider an 18 month old a "baby" and I think that we have to allow our children to make mistakes. Sure, it's unfortunate, but if he is remorseful and if it remains an isolated incident, we should give him the benefit of the doubt. I also think that children need to learn that mistakes are inevitable, and sometimes you're on the receiving end of it and although it's crappy, it's life. No lasting damage was done to the girl. This other mother should give your son room to learn.

Additionally, if this woman cites her "mama bear" instincts as the reason for her irrational behavior, then she should recognize your "mama bear" instinct to protect your son from verbal and emotional abuse. Although you, OP, are not being irrational by any means.
post #32 of 194
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
I guess I have a little different perspective. There's no way I'd let a four and a half year old back into my house after he hit my 18 month old baby. My dd's four and we have lots and lots of friends in that age group playing at our house. There isn't a one of them that doesn't understand something as basic as not to hit a baby.

I think your son needed a dose of reality. People don't like to be hit. If you hit people, it generates an angry response and - chances are - you're going to get spoken to with angry tone, pitch, gestures, or even going to get hit back in some circumstances (eg other children on a playground, for instance).

Left well enough alone, I think he might have learned a valuable lesson here. Chances are, he never would have hit that baby again. Not because he was afraid this mom would spank him, I don't think. But simply because he recognized the magnitude of his wrong doing by the intensity of her reaction. He felt bad. He ought to have felt bad.

Ditto. Your friend did not spank your child. Your child did hit the baby. slapping is pretty much a show of excitement in an 18 month old.......but in a 4 year old it's just plain old hitting. Your friend, imo, was upset w/your son, she told him as much but did not hit your child.
post #33 of 194
But we're assuming that a 4yo can understand child development. He probably doesn't distinguish between excited non-threatening hitting and malicious hitting. To him, he was hit so he hit back. Totally understandable (although still misguided) reaction. Now he can learn that the girl was not being mean by hitting him. Geez, children aren't born knowing all the rules.
post #34 of 194
Quote:
Originally Posted by shanti1 View Post
Ditto. Your friend did not spank your child. Your child did hit the baby. slapping is pretty much a show of excitement in an 18 month old.......but in a 4 year old it's just plain old hitting. Your friend, imo, was upset w/your son, she told him as much but did not hit your child.
I agree with this. I would put it behind me but talk to the mom and tell her to never threaten violence with my kid ever again. It's okay to tell him that was wrong and she is upset but anything more is stepping over the line. This is a learning experience for everyone and I agree that he will probably not hit that little girl again.
post #35 of 194
Quote:
Originally Posted by soybeansmama View Post
He has never done this to her before. this was an isolated incident..
I think the point is that this mama reacted appropriately to having her baby hit by a four year old.

We don't spank, so I wouldn't have threatened spanking. But what I would have done was responded with anger and indignation - the way she did - and then told him that he was going to have to leave our house.

It's a complete cop out to act as though a fouir year old can't understand or respond with restraint when feeling the urge to hit. You do your son a disservice by acting as though that is the case.

If a four year old couldn't resist the urge to hit there would be no surviving little brothers, sister, or pets in anyone's household. And preschools and daycares would be unable to exist.
post #36 of 194
Thread Starter 
I am not copping out of anything...we are working with him daily. I just was trying to understand him... I can't help him if I don't understand why is is doing something.
post #37 of 194
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
It's a complete cop out to act as though a fouir year old can't understand or respond with restraint when feeling the urge to hit. You do your son a disservice by acting as though that is the case.

If a four year old couldn't resist the urge to hit there would be no surviving little brothers, sister, or pets in anyone's household. And preschools and daycares would be unable to exist.
The OP clearly wasn't copping out. She stated that they are working on the hitting thing, and that was the first time that he hit that girl.

And I think equating a hitting incident to sibling murder is rather ridiculous.
post #38 of 194
I think many of us are saying that we all got our children to learn the seriousness of hitting, and not to do it, by the same method that this mom used. Showing the child the true emotions that hitting causes: anger, indignation, hurt.

This method works, because kids see what hitting really is.

I think this mama feels like your method is failing to teach your son not to hit. She used her method (the same that many or most of us have used), and was proud to share with you that it seemed to sink in with your son.

Your angry reaction to what must feel like normal discipline to her is ironic and hard for her to swallow.
post #39 of 194
Quote:
Originally Posted by shanti1 View Post
Ditto. Your friend did not spank your child. Your child did hit the baby. slapping is pretty much a show of excitement in an 18 month old.......but in a 4 year old it's just plain old hitting. Your friend, imo, was upset w/your son, she told him as much but did not hit your child.
I agree with you and if I were the OP's friend, I would not watch her son in my house again. What I think the OP is reacting to is the threat of violence against her son & the way her friend acted like this was some great intervention on her part. I don't hear her saying that it was okay for her son to hit or not okay for her friend to be angry about it. The whole thing seems to have occurred in the context of the friend criticizing GD & acting as if her son's hitting is a result.

OP -- I'm sorry. It sounds like you're doing all you can to help your son learn not to hit. I hope you and your friend can come to an understanding between the two of you.
post #40 of 194
And let's not forget that this woman had an 18mo, 4yo, and 5yo playing in a room together unsupervised. Know one really knows what happened in there and perhaps a woman "watching" a child but not really watching, shouldn't be trusted with OP's son.

Although I understand responding with anger and hurt over a child that has been hit, she included a threat of physical violence. I don't think that is acceptable.
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