Driving myself crazy...question about having #2

[zannster]

I realize this is kind of a loaded question, but does anyone ever have regrets about having #2? Do you ever end up feeling resentful? Do you get over it??

I keep trying to decide what my problem is, exactly...and there are many reasons I'm not looking forward to pregnancy or infancy again. But even if I put all that aside, and tell myself that I can get through it, I think a part of me is really hesitant to destroy the one-on-one relationship I currently have with my son. Obviously that isn't something that's going to last forever - probably not much longer. He's three now and would be four when #2 was born (if I get pg soon). One would hope that he would develop a good relationship with his brother or sister and have that bond for a lifetime. But the loss of our connection just seems so tragic to me right now.

Then I also have a fear of twins. I took clomid to get pg the first time, not really concerned about the risk of twins. Now I'm taking it again, and I'm terrified of what my (and my son's) life would be like if I got pg with twins. I could keep TTC without it, but I really don't want any more of an age gap. I've already put this off longer than I had originally intended.

I'm really not looking forward to a repeat of the past four years. But something keeps pushing me. It somehow doesn't quite feel complete with only one. I briefly thought I might be pg last month, and I was kind of excited about it...but also terrified. It seems as though this decision was so much easier the first time, before I fully knew what to expect - and before I was dx with FMS. Now it's much more overwhelming.

[dubfam]

I went through what you are describing.

We had ds 2 dec 9th, and ds 1 turned 5 on april 2nd so there is a little more than 4.5 years between them.

It has been MUCH EASIER than I expected. Owen (ds 1) has adjusted very well to his brother. He loves him so much and is very protective and helpful. It is AWESOME to have an older child who can run and get something for you when you are nursing the babe or whatever....and Owen has LOVED that he can help.

It did slow us down for the first few months. We usually go to the Zoo/Museum/Library several days per week, but that would have been too much for the first couple months.

4 and 5 is when they start getting more independent, and are usually okay with someone else takiong over the role of being the "Baby". I haven't gone through the jealousy stuff that I have seen my friends with closer spacing experience.

Also, your older one will be preschool age when the baby comes (if you have a baby!!). Some kids really like school and it can be a good way for you to get a break and some bonding time with the baby.

Good Luck!! It took us a long time to decide to go for it...and then we got preg instantly. I haven't regretted it for a second, and I feel like it brought ds 1 and I closer together, if that makes sense.


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[Heavenly]

I would never purposely make a child an only child but that's just me. Some days I wish I hadn't had 3 or 2 or even 1 for that matter but when it comes down to it I will get through these early days and my children will have each other forever. When I was trying to decide on #3 someone said to me when you are 60 and looking back at your life you will never regret the children you did have but you may regret the ones you didn't have. That was all it took to make me make my decision because I knew that I would regret not having more kids.

[Llyra]

I did wind up with twins the second time, after having serious doubts about whether we were ready even to have a second child. And I worried a LOT about the effect on my DD1, who was only 2 1/2 and still very much a baby when the twins arrived. And yeah, in some ways it was hard on her, losing our one-on-one relationship, and having to deal with all the stress that having two babies at once brings to a household. But then as the twins get older, I see how much having her brother and sister enriches her life, and I see some wonderful signs of independence and self-reliance that I attribute to her having to learn to share my attention, and then I know it's all right. I love the idea that when I'm gone, they'll all have each other.

You have to listen to your heart. And that's hard. Because maybe your heart wants two things at once, ya know? But I can say that even with twins, it's okay. It really is.

[Sylith]

The dynamics in our family were complex following the birth of our second child, but the upshot of it all is that I feel my relationship with my eldest has suffered a great deal, and I think about that every day. My kids are ages 5-1/2 and 22 months.

DS1 is a pretty "high needs" kind of guy, and he was used to having a whole lot of me, night and day. He also has some sleep issues, which mean he requires a lot more nighttime parenting than other kids his age. The plan was that DH would take over with DS1 at night after DS2 was born. We had invested heavily in preparing DS1 for this, and it went beautifully for about two months. Then... I'm still not sure what happened. DH became depressed and dissociated, basically acted like Bizarro World DH for about half a year, and was just... unavailable, in many ways.

And that left me floundering with two kids who woke up all night and needed intense attention all day, one because he was a tiny infant, and the other because he just is intense. We survived it, but, well, it wasn't always pretty, and there just was not enough of me to meet everybody's needs. I have been far, far less patient with DS1 than I would like, and burned out, and even resentful of him. We are still feeling the aftershocks, and DS2's second birthday is coming up.

The boys love each other, and DS2 is amazing and I would never, ever wish him away... but I am just not sure if it's been a fair tradeoff for DS1. I suffer a lot of guilt over it.

[nancy926]

I do not regret having #2. Sometimes I do wish I had a closer relationship with DD1 (DD2, being 2 years old, wants Mommy allll the time, still nurses a lot, etc.). But, DD1 spends a lot of time with her dad (he is a SAHD, puts her to bed, etc.) and I think this is awesome for her. We have many years to get closer - and she knows I am not ignoring her or avoiding her, that DD2 needs me because she is little, etc. We talk about it a lot. I find time to do things JUST with her. THe way it is now is not the way it will always be, kwim? It's just a little blip in the whole scheme of things, really.

DD2 has always had to "share" me, so I guess I don't feel as bad for her - weird, huh? But DD2, while VERY different from DD1, has taught me a ton about being a parent and living in the moment and having patience and letting the little things go. I'd be much more rigid and anxious, I think, if she hadn't come along.

Big decisions, I think, should be made with the gut, not the head.

[foxtrot]

I posted about this in the Post Partum Depression section. My post was titled "Grief or PPD or both" if you want to read what I've been feeling.

DS was 4.5 when DD was born. DS was intended to be an only child, but I had second thoughts when he was 3. I was TERRIFIED of losing the VERY close relationship we had. But DS has the type of personality that as I got to know him I realized he would be much happier with a sibling. I know people say not to have a second for your first child, but I did. I was perfectly happy with just DS. He was everything to me.

Yes, I have regretted having DD, but I've regretted it for me because I despise the baby/early toddler stage. I'm completely miserable until they are 2 or so. Then I start LOVING being a mom so I know this regret is temporary, but yes, right now I regret it. I don't know anyone else that would ever admit that.

I MOURN deeply the loss of time with just me and DS. He was 4.5 when she was born so we had finally gotten to the stage where he was really fun and more of a companion. We could be out and about all day just doing stuff together because naps were a thing of the past. We had developed a very close bond over the years. I have grieved and am still grieving the loss of "me and DS". I have not felt resentful towards DD yet, but she has been a tough baby (colic for 3 months with lots of screaming) so she's taken lots of time away from him.

Saying that, I DO NOT regret having her for DS. He adores her. He thinks she's the best thing. He's matured so much since she's been here too which is very nice. He's learned that he can do so much more for himself than he thought because he's had to and that has given him a lot of confidence he didn't have before. I think she has been the best thing for him, not just now, but in the future as well. She is 7 months now and I can see that once she is walking and talking and able to interact more it will be even better.

I do not think I will regret having her forever. I think once I get past the stages I don't like I will be very happy to her. But yes, right now I'm still deeply grieving what I lost with my son.

[guestmama9915]

I was also so afraid of having a #2 (and then a surprise #3). How could I love anyone as much as #1? Do I want to? Do I want to split my affections?

But the bond and love all my children (now three of them) share is so amazing, so worth it. I don't have enough attention to split between them all, no way do I. I can't spend lazy days snuggling with just one. But they can ALL snuggle me, and each other, and they have SO much fun and are so sweet with each other. And sure they fight, and they get jealous, but oh god there are moments that are just so worth it.

I also dislike infancy. But actually #1 was the hardest of my children and they have gotten easier personality wise. #3 is now almost 10 months old and she's so easy. I definitely hate the whole baby stage, changing diapers and no sleep and all that.

I have 3 sisters and we're all so close, I couldn't imagine anything less for my own kids.

[bellacymom]

I felt like that and just about everyone I know that had a second child felt the same way. When you see your new baby most of those feelings will go away maybe all depending on how your DC1 reacts to the new baby. My first reaction when I found out I was pregnant to cry and feel sick to my stomach because I thought I had done something horrible to DD1. Now that I see them together there is no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing having another one.

[Qerratsmom]

I felt somewhat like that before I had #2. I was really, really nervous and it wasn't until the moment dc2 was born that I new it was the *right* thing. It was so much easier than I had thought and now my kids are 3 and 6 and I cannot imagine them not having each other. They are best friends and our family dynamics have gone to a new and beautiful level. Having more than one child was the best *risk* I ever took.

[Stella_luna]

Originally Posted by foxtrot

Yes, I have regretted having DD, but I've regretted it for me because I despise the baby/early toddler stage.

I MOURN deeply the loss of time with just me and DS.

mama. I really admire your honesty.

[zannster]

Thanks for all your responses!!

[starlein26]

I'll say this, if your desire doesn't outweigh your doubt...perhaps you should wait.

[stiles' mummy]

Zannster,

I could have written your exact post. I know how you feel. I'm so conflicted as well. And I hate to admit it (and have not even to my Dh) that the BIG part of the reason is that I don't want to lose the special bond I have with DS who is 5 next month.

[Felicitymom]

I too feel like you do you... the only difference is that I am now 43... my dd is almost 4 and the loss of my time and bond with her is the main reason I have not been ttc... I think if I were younger it would be far easier for me to just relax into it and wait it out. Maybe ttc when she was 6 or 7, but alas that would put me at 46 or 47.... so that isn't going to happen. I think from what you have said that you should just wait a little longer and see how you feel.

I know sooooo many people who really struggle with two. For some women I think it can be easy and for others much harder.... again from what you have said I would wait.

[zannster]

Originally Posted by stiles' mummy

I'm so conflicted as well. And I hate to admit it (and have not even to my Dh) that the BIG part of the reason is that I don't want to lose the special bond I have with DS who is 5 next month.

Interestingly, this makes me think of my own relationship with my mom. I am the oldest, and the next younger (3 of us total) is five years younger than me. I have no idea what my mom thought of our bond being lessened (ha, maybe I should ask her) but the fact is that we have nearly always had a strong relationship, in spite of my sisters coming along. I'm sure that childhood would have been easier as an only in some respects - no fighting, how much we got to do as a family - vacations and such - but OTOH, I didn't live around other kids and spent a lot of time playing with my sister. It's hard to imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't had sisters!

Felicity - While it may seem (to you) that I have several years, I really don't see it that way. For one thing, I have fibromyalgia, and I don't see it getting better over time (though I'm certainly trying different things, and I try to stay optimistic - but who knows). My health overall is not the greatest. And I also don't really want to have that much of an age gap. I've always felt that the five years between my sister and I was too much, and that the three years she and #3 had was better.

[supagurl]

go for it

After falling totally in love with our first kiddo I knew there was NO WAY we could love another kid as much as her. How could another kid be THIS great? No one in the world even came close. But, we wanted to have a big family and I enjoyed pregnancy/infancy. So, we made a pact not to be those parents whom obviously favor one child over another and we decided to keep it a secret that we loved #1 the best. On the day #2 was born- well, it was like my heart just doubled in size. Just when I knew it was full...suddenly everything I *knew* was wrong and I loved him JUST as much. I know things don't always happen this instantly but I think most of the time it works out this way.
We now have four and love them all- for the very different people they are. And they have companions to share their lives with.
I am an only child and the relationships between all the kids is just fascinating and incredible to me.

[mamasneedlove]

I haven't read everyone's responses, but I think I'm coming at this with a different angle. It's really important to me to have another child, because when a person gets to be a certain age, the generation before them starts to get old, need care, and eventually pass away. When that happens, it is so good to have someone who remembers your 3rd-grade ER visit, your first crush, your family jokes, the favorite family dinner, the traditions... and help pass it on. At that point in life (and much earlier, too) it no longer matters whether your mom was playing legos with you 50 years ago or nursing the new baby.

I'm not saying it's bad to have an only child.. I was sort of an only child (my sis and bro were much older and didn't live with us) and I loved it, I'm just saying giving your child a sibling for life is a great thing to do. Of course you could do what they did in my family, which is wait for 15 years and then have another one, and that kid gets the best of both worlds. No, just follow your heart.

[lovbeingamommy]

Originally Posted by mamasneedlove

I haven't read everyone's responses, but I think I'm coming at this with a different angle. It's really important to me to have another child, because when a person gets to be a certain age, the generation before them starts to get old, need care, and eventually pass away. When that happens, it is so good to have someone who remembers your 3rd-grade ER visit, your first crush, your family jokes, the favorite family dinner, the traditions... and help pass it on. At that point in life (and much earlier, too) it no longer matters whether your mom was playing legos with you 50 years ago or nursing the new baby.

Wow, could I ever have written this post My reason for wanting #2,3, and 4 is just that -to give my DS siblings - someone he can share memories with. Even his nearest cousins are at least 20 yrs older. We started at 40 and are continuing now at 43 TTC #2 and plan at 44 and 45 for #3 and #4. I might even need to go 46 or 47 and YES it is certainly possible. My OB has at least two pts right now at 47 w/ natural pregnancies - really gives me hope. Having #2 is my main goal right now.

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by zannster

But the loss of our connection just seems so tragic to me right now.

I felt the same way. What happened was, I didn't LOSE the connection, but it did change. It took time for everything to balance itself out.

It was hard, I won't lie. I felt like DS wasn't getting as much of me as he was used to, and DD wasn't getting as much of me as DS did when he was her age. So I was failing on both fronts, for a while. I still feel lost sometimes, actually.

Do I wish we'd stopped at one? No. But, you always wonder about the road not taken. Part of me regrets not stopping at one, and part of me regrets not having a third.