Friends whose parenting styles are different... - Page 3

[Tigerchild]

I think it's harder to do when your kids are babies.

When they're older, and past the spanking/CIO years, then I've found that really it matters less and less. By then you'll know APed kids who behave like brats, and conventionally parented children who you enjoy, and you'll have more dealings with just the kids rather than the parents too.

I think when you're dealing with really little ones, there's so much pressure to have mommy friends, because well...you're not able to have much of a relationship with someone outside of having kids along...that you have more things to find fault with and be irritated by.

I enjoy a lot richer and wider circle of friends now that mommying isn't my 99 percent focus, I actually have time to develop friendships indpenedent of my children's presence (though most of my friends have been met via my kids), and I'm not so in the trenches parenting 3 littles.

So you know what, if you need to let this friendship go, then do so. You don't need to feel guilt, or to step on your former friends face to feel taller. You're just walking on different paths now. A few years from now, some people from her path might intersect with yours and you can enjoy each other, and where you were before probably won't matter as much to you. (though I suppose there are some people who are going to grill someone about how they parented their now 10 year old when they were 10 months old...if they can remember...I don't think most people really ask about that, or even care, as long as the current kid is nice and you enjoy the person.)

[nina_yyc]

I've always framed my parenting style as a personal choice. If asked about it I'll give reasons, but I really try not to preach or criticize. I'm secure and I've found that most of my mainstream and childless friends are supportive and even interested.

Relatives are a bit of a different matter since you can pick your friends but not your in-laws. I find it hard to explain AP to my MIL and FIL since there's a cultural divide. I'm hoping DH will fight that battle for me if it ever comes down to it.

[Kessed]

Originally Posted by JaneAnne

I live in a town where AP is the normal choice, so I have lots of friends and acquaintances with similar viewpoints. That has made it very easy for me to simply cut out friends who parent in a way that I think is cruel. CIO and hitting are total dealbreakers for me. Refusing to breastfeed for no good reason comes pretty close, too.

I "broke up" with a long-time friend, because every conversation I had with her stressed me out and made me weep for her children. When I realized I dreaded picking up the phone when her name came up, I ended the relationship. And I told her why.

Some parenting choices, like spanking and CIO are poisonous - they have an immediate and toxic effect on me - my blood pressure goes up, my adreneline rises, I feel awful. What is the point? I can live without "friends" when they make me feel so terrible. And I don't like taking up space in my mind feeling sorry for their children.

Maybe it's terrifically selfish, but when friendship brings me more unpleasantness than happiness, I let it go.

that:

If I am stressed out - then the friendship isn't worth it. When I spend every visit feeling sorry for the other person's child - then it isn't worth it to me.

[Bellabaz]

I find it hard to hang around parents whose styles differ from mine in big ways in general. Not just AP, but we are very laidback in what we let out dd (15months) try. If she is not in any serious danger then we really don't restrict her from exploring her world. We sometimes hang around another family whose daughter is five days older and that mom is constantly hovering over her kid and doesn't let her do anything. This is hard for me because it annoys me (even though that may not be fair) and we can't just sit and relax and talk and let the girls play. I try really hard not to be judgmental because everyone has a right to parent how they wish and how they are comfortable ut sometimes I just want to tell her that kids won't die from falling on grass and that if you always do everything for the child hwo will they learn to do it themselves? Anyway, just wanted to ass my sympathies. I don't really have advice because I don't really voice my opinion. If someone asked I would explain to them how I feel but I don't just volunteer it. I feel that I can at least show by example and if they see how dd is with us then maybe they will think hey thats not such a bad idea.

[Kristine233]

Its kind of a non-issue to me. Most of my friends parent differently, I shrug and ignore it. I don't pretend to even think that non-AP parents are "un-attached" thats absurd and offensive. (And I am pretty AP and get offended on behalf of my mainstream friends) I figure each parent does what they feel is best for their child. It may not be what I chose, but I know their baby is still going to grow up and be the beautiful creation that all children are. I realize that if we start restricting how other people parents and making them "bad guys" that they will do the same to us. I'm really no in the mood for a parenting war. I do my best and its a hard enough job without extra '"I'm better than you" mentality being added in.

If a friend brings something up that I don't agree with I usually just change the subject. Sometimes I may say "I'm glad you found something that works for you, this is how we did it". I still am offering another opinion/option but not saying "You are wrong, I don't like your way of parenting" because that is just going to cost you a friend.

*shrug* maybe I'm too easy going.

[heatherdeg]

I am very much a "live and let live" person and hope that I set some kind of admirable example that someone will ask me about (if they admire me and want to live by my example! ).

Where I draw the line and what becomes a friendship breaker is ignorance. I'm not talking about ignorance to different ways of doing things. I'm talking about when what you are doing isn't working, you know this and appear to be upset about it, but you refuse to consider anything different.

Our ds really only has one option for kids in the neighborhood. Ds is 4yo and there are neighbors up the block with a 4yo & 6yo. The 6yo is a little wild, but the 4yo is beyond ridiculous. This is by no means an AP family and that has been totally fine for the last 3-ish years we've dealt with them (which has been light). But now it's getting to where they are hurting my child (physically and emotionally) and they neither attempt anything new, research what could be done or what could be going on, nor do they supervise their child more. For instance: ds comes in from playing with their ds in the living room and says "(friend) tried to eat me". I look at my ds like he's telling a great story and say "I'm sure (friend) is not EATING you!" and laugh. Friend's mother says "Actually, (friend) is a biter and he probably tried to bite (my ds)". She goes on to say that the preschool is pushing her to resolve it.



My thought process is as follows (and yes, highly judgmental):

A) Did you think we couldn't chat IN the living room where you could WATCH your child? Because we've done that plenty of times!
B) I get that kids are biters, but the conversation progresses to where I find out you don't know what to do and haven't even asked the ped, looked online or hey--even asked me if ds has ever done this? I mean, you'll ask how we got him to read at 4yo (and refuse to believe that he taught himself--we must be competitive and holding back on you), but not this...?


And really, I have a problem with most of these parents less because *I* just THEM and more because THEY judge ME. And let's throw AP out the window for a second: I have a child with special needs. Great that he APPEARS mainstream in the settings you have seen him in, but the reality is that he HAS problems. Even if I WEREN'T AP, how do you spank a kid for doing something that he SHOULD know not to do at 4yo, but because his brain is miswired--he doesn't understand. At all. And because he has an auditory processing problem compounding the developmental crap, I can't explain it to him and I can't always verbally re/direct him.

I run into way more people who are insecure and therefore want everyone to be just like them just to validate themselves. So whether I'm different for AP, or ds's issues or because my hair is red--they're going to have something to say about it. So I will continue to try to reach out to people unlike myself, but I don't get my hopes up and I don't let it go on too long if they're not open-minded. Unfortunately, that's alot of them.




I get that some kids are just biters. It happens. But SUPERVISE THEM.

[EnviroBecca]

Off topic but I just heard the word "ferberize' yesterday. It comes from the movie meet the fockers

Um, just FYI: The term may be used in that movie, but that's not where it comes from. Richard Ferber is a doctor who has treated many children with sleep disorders. Based on that work, he felt qualified to preach a method for "teaching" non-disordered children to sleep "correctly". This particular style of CIO is called Ferberizing based on his name.

[honeybee]

Well, I now have a circle of AP/NP friends, so this doesn't come up quite so much anymore. But, there is still quite a range of differences in the group, as there's a whole spectrum. I would say our group is really understanding of each others' differences.

But I really don't feel like being around people whose parenting styles are DRASTICALLY different from mine. When I have a choice, I tend to distance myself. Luckily, the closest friends I had before we had children are very loving parents, and I have no problems with their parenting differences. There was a group of friends I had after ds1 was born. We were all part of a bf support group, so we had that in common. But as the babies got older, it was harder to ignore the differences... CIO, forced weaning, spanking hands, etc. It wasn't so much that the moms did these things, but that those who did were all saying that if we DIDN'T do them, our kids would be spoiled/manipulative, etc. The group fell apart when our babes were around a year old.

With family it's a bit more difficult. I once had a pretty good discussion with my cousin once about cosleeping and some of the research, etc. It wasn't so much about our kids as it was just an intellectual debate. I do not hide our parenting style. I will let it be known straight out that I extended bf, cosleep, etc, and that is what works for us. I figure if someone has questions, they'll ask. But I don't volunteer information on why I think what they're doing is wrong. Now, with a new mom who is frustrated and upset and thinks she "has" to CIO or has tried it because she thinks she is supposed to, I will gently and nonjudgementally share more information or point her to some references if she's interested. But, for those who are gung-ho certain they are doing things "right" and everything else is "wrong" there's really no point.

Now that ds1 is in preschool, I talk to the other moms and I've made friends without really having any idea how they parented their babies. There are some moms I wasn't quite as interested in getting to know "better" based on how they interact with their dc, but I'm still friendly. But it turns out some of the moms I really like have ended up telling me how they breastfed their kids until age 2 or 3 or do some other kind of np things! I think I must have developed some kind of sixth sense for seeking out like-minded people!