He doesn't/won't share - suggestions?

[Kerrie]

Background: I watch a 6 yo boy (I'll call him J) every afternoon from when he gets off the bus (just before 12) until his mom or stepdad get home between 5 and 5:30. We've been doing this since September. Once school ends, I will have him and his 4.5 yo sister all day 5 days/week. Honestly, the only reason I do it is the money. They live across the street from us so our kids are almost like siblings they are together so much.

The problem: J is a 'hard' kid. He is young for his age - turned 6 in February. There are many things about him that bother me but today it's that he will not share. I have 3 kids and for the most part I expect them to share thier things. There are a few things that I will ask DS if he wants put away and usually he will say 'no, I'll share it'. When J comes over and brings something (which is rare), DS will want a turn w/it and J will say 'no'. I'll ask J, 'Can you please give DS a turn or we will have to put it away'. Almost always, he will choose to put it away. Yesterday, I saw him refusing to let his sister look at the cover of a DVD, today his mom sent over some banana bread and the first thing out of his mouth is 'don't eat this until I get home'. For lack of a better word, he's stingy. This past weekend, DS went over to his house and was back crying in 5 minutes - his reason: J won't share the bubbles with me. So as much as I felt like a bad person, I was happy when J came over 10 minutes later and I was able to say 'You didn't want to share w/DS so he's inside playing, he'll be out later'. What is almost worse is 2 minutes later he was over it. He cares in that instant but doesn't carry it. He doesn't seem to get and/or remember consequences, natural or otherwise.

My kids are FAR from angels but I've never had them act like this consitantly - about something specific, yes but not all the time. Does anyone have any suggestions? I feel like I've talked myself untill I am blue in the face with my friends IRL and other than listening to me they don't really seem to be able to suggest anything.

[Embee]

In reading your post, a few things come to mind. I've sat for two children in recent years who had issues with sharing. What I found with these kids is that it was about control, power. This was their way to gain power in MY home, a place where they felt mostly comfortable, but not completely comfortable. By hoarding toys, they gained some power, a little something for themselves to "hold on to." Particularly, if "J" brings something of his own, it may be for that specific purpose.

One thing that helped was spending time with the child upon first entering my home. It could be as simple as asking them about their day, and letting them talk and share their experiences. Another way to connect was to invite: "let's start the day by playing a game/reading a book/making a snack/telling a joke together." When the girls felt attached to me, they could relax and were much better at sharing and feeling at home in my home. It did take some effort on my part. I admit, their behavior/personality quirks really got under my skin at times and I hated myself for that, alas, there it was. I had to really overcome that feeling to get through. It was well worth the effort.

The main premise was this: attachment... when they felt attached to me, they felt more secure in the environment and were better able to control their behavior, were more open to sharing and so on.

Other reasons he might be feeling stingy?

School could be stressful for him. It is for a lot of kids. They have to follow all those rules all day long, be told what to do and when and how to do it and when they come home, all they want is a little something for themselves.

I wonder if it would help to just talk with him, after you've had a pleasant connecting moment. You can explain that in YOUR home, everyone tries hard to share even if it can be hard sometimes. That you understand why it's hard for him. Perhaps you could offer one special item for him to choose for THAT day? He could hang on to that one item and have security in that enough to be able to share overall? Aside from that, you could talk to your own children. Explain that it might be tough for "J" being away from his parents all day, that when "people don't feel right, they don't act right." It might just help for them to have a deeper perspective on "J." Just throwing stuff off the top of my head here.

As to not being affected by consequences and such, you just never know. When kids are somewhere other than their own homes, often they are uncomfortable showing the depth of their emotions. If they do happen to eek out, they learn to suck them up quickly. This is also something they learn in school; the indifferent face. But it doesn't mean he's not internalizing what's happened and learning from it. It may mean however, that he's embarrassed and wants to it to pass quickly. "If I forget about it, maybe she will too."

Here is my story:

When I was 5 my mom went back to work, a newly single parent (my dad passed away). I was babysat at a neighbors in the morning before school, a mom and a girl who was younger and not yet in school. I remember them being a very nice family and treating me nice. But I also remember not feeling totally comfortable in their home. The mom was nice, but not very "warm" if you know what I mean. Also, having another mother take me to the bus made me feel anxious and sad. As much as I hate to admit it, when I was in their home, I wasn't always the best behaved... I could be very mean to the girl. I can't imagine what her mother thought of me, but I remember just having this uncontrollable need to throw my weight around with her and I believe it was connected to not feeling attached to anything in their home, feeling like this situation was totally out of my control, that there was somewhere else I wanted to be, home. With my mom. I needed some control and this was my childish, immature way of getting the power I needed. I cringe when I think back about this. It's so not who I am. I could be terribly aggressive toward this girl. I think I resented that she was with her mom all day just as I had been the year before.

I don't know if any of this helps, but just some thoughts that came to mind. It sounds like a tough situation and I feel for you. No matter how hard I try, I do find it difficult at times to deal with other people's kids. I have to be much more careful of my actions with them as opposed to the way I relate with DS which is so natural. This is particularly so if I find their behavior irritating. I just don't have the same attachment with them and it has to be reintroduced and maintained on a more conscious level. But mainly like I do when DS is driving me bats, I try to look at things from the child's perspective. Remember how I felt when in someone elses home being cared for which is not the same as say, going to someone else's house to play because mom and dad are always at home waiting. When a child is in someone else's care, even if they are really comfortable with the situation, they are still operating without their security connection to the world.. a parent.

The only other thing I can think to offer is that kids are awfully perceptive. I find that I have trouble masking my inner feelings even if everything I'm saying and doing seems ok on the surface. It could be that he does sense that perhaps you are not someone who 'cares for his company' so to speak. If this is the case, it could fuel his anxiety when he's in your care. It's an insecure situation for him. When children (or anyone for that matter) are feeling insecure (attachment not being engaged) it can cause all sorts of ill behavior, whatever it takes to not feel powerless. Of course, being immature, the methods they choose are usually not all that helpful but all the same, they continue at any cost.

Hang in there, mama. Sorry this got so long. I've had experience as the babysitter and the babysittee so maybe there is something in there you're able to use.

The best,
Em

[4evermom]

Wow, what a great post Embee! I was puzzling over this last night before getting engrossed in errands and bedtime. All I could think is to teach your own children to respect other people's ownership. If a grownup had an ipod they didn't want the kids to use, that would be OK with most, so why is that different than the bubbles? Because it costs more? Does that mean only expensive things can be precious? Not to my ds who sometimes finds a special stick with a shape he really likes. Now that is irreplaceable, lol.

Now, I've never been an advocate of making kids share but my ds usually will if it isn't a new toy. I usually suggest the kids who want a turn do something else (nothing like a kid standing there waiting for a turn to make another kid feel like hanging on to it). I've had to teach ds to go away and keep an eye out for the thing he wants to use to be available rather than hover, sometimes. When kids come over and want to use his toys, I remind my ds he can use them all he wants at other times and it will still be here when they go home. To the visitor, it is a special new thing with limited availability.

But ITA with Embee. It is all about control in this situation which is perfectly age appropriate and understandable. Poor kid.

[Kerrie]

Wow - like 4evermom said - great post! Thank you for the insight. While I can see what you are saying about comfort level, what about his lack of sharing at home? He seems to act the same way when my kids are over there - even with his own sister.

As far as DS needing to share most of his toys - if I let him control every thing that he didn't want to share, there would be nothing left for J to play with. Heck, I have to share most of my stuff but I certainly do have some things I don't share and my DCs have things they don't have to share - example: for DS's birthday DH got him a lego helicopter, they spent about 2 hours putting it together. The next day J came over and took it all apart even after I had specifically said "please be careful with this, it took DS and his daddy a long time to put together". His response? "they can do it again". He showed no remorse. A few weeks later, DH got DS another complicated lego toy and when he asked for me to put it away, I was happy to.

I really do feel bad that he's not my favorite child. I spend a lot of time comparing how I am treating him to how I treat my DCs. I am always trying to make sure that I am not harder on him than I am on my kids. It's so not easy.

Thanks again for the perspective.

[4evermom]

My ds would have punched him for taking apart a lego construction! Sounds like a really hard situation.

[Breeder]

Sharing is just a part of life and kids have to learn to share most things in order to get along in situations like yours.

For me: an adult wouldn't need to share an ipod because adults do not NEED that entertainment component the way that children NEED to play. Not because it is expensive, but because as an adult we have the ability to move around (as in leave a place, kids at six- can't just up and leave if they have nothing to do).

I always encourage DS to put away something he doesn't want to share...but he rarely doesn't want to share something.

It definitely seems like a control issue for this child, have you talked to his parents about it?

[Embee]

Originally Posted by Kerrie

Wow - like 4evermom said - great post! Thank you for the insight. While I can see what you are saying about comfort level, what about his lack of sharing at home? He seems to act the same way when my kids are over there - even with his own sister.

As far as DS needing to share most of his toys - if I let him control every thing that he didn't want to share, there would be nothing left for J to play with. Heck, I have to share most of my stuff but I certainly do have some things I don't share and my DCs have things they don't have to share - example: for DS's birthday DH got him a lego helicopter, they spent about 2 hours putting it together. The next day J came over and took it all apart even after I had specifically said "please be careful with this, it took DS and his daddy a long time to put together". His response? "they can do it again". He showed no remorse. A few weeks later, DH got DS another complicated lego toy and when he asked for me to put it away, I was happy to.

I really do feel bad that he's not my favorite child. I spend a lot of time comparing how I am treating him to how I treat my DCs. I am always trying to make sure that I am not harder on him than I am on my kids. It's so not easy.

Thanks again for the perspective.

Hey Kerrie,

Well, I'm no expert at all, but my guess would be that the attachment thing? It's not happening for "J." Or not happening enough for him. IME, when DS isn't getting what he needs, he doesn't act right. He can become stingy and aggressive and demanding and even lack remorse. If I am distracted, seeing him little, not taking time out to be with him, play with him, he ceases to have the attachment he needs with me to be guided by me.

As to your DS, he has you. It may not be easy for him to share, but he trusts because the person who is responsible for him takes time to be with him, listens to his feelings. He has the security of you to help him do those things that take courage, like sharing.

Are you much aware of J's home life? I know sometimes having a younger sibling can be stressful, particularly if the parents don't take time to honor both children's boundaries. I've found that children whose boundaries are not respected, learn disrespect for or ignorance of other's boundaries. Whether it's sister, or parents not doing all they need to do for him, who knows? Like I said, it's not always easy for me dealing with other people's kids. I want to hug them to pieces because I know their behavior comes from pain, but OTOH, it also drives me up a wall. One girl I cared for whose mom I knew well and liked really changed her parenting style during the course of our babysitting relationship from open, caring and relaxed to a more authoritarian pose. I think it was because she was incredibly overwhelmed when her second child came along, and also because the older girl did have a very strong personality that she decided the only way to deal with was to "break." It was heartbreaking, and the thing is, the older girl just hung on tighter as a result... I actually found myself cursing her mom for changing the way she did things because it was making my life/babysitting so much harder. *sigh*

I hear you on the Lego's btw. DS received a Star Wars ship for Christmas that took him and DH HOURS to build. Recently, the neighbor kids came over and the parts had been thrown around the room. I'm sure there are parts missing, broken. I told DS that he and DH could rebuild it and then, put it away when friends came over. He was actually a very good sport about it and his friends overall are pretty respectful but still, yikes. DS's one stingy item is his model railway. He just won't let anyone touch it and with good reason I suppose but I was surprised that he wouldn't let his newest buddy play with it as he is older (11) and has trains himself? But I don't question it. He's so good with sharing the rest. Totally understandable that he need this boundary respected and with that, he tends to respect other's boundaries. I do wonder what J's home life is like and if this is NOT the norm? It could explain a lot.

Ah mama, this just sounds hard. Hang in there. Babysitting is not as easy as some people think, no? I was amazed at how challenging it was for me at times and then other times, I was grateful for it. We unschool and DS is an only so a regular buddy can be a good thing. OTOH, for DS a little social times goes a long way so too regular can be a problem for him so lately, I've opted out of babysitting, but I may do it again if the opportunity arises.

The best to you!

Em

[Kerrie]

Thanks! I do know a fair amount about thier home life as they live next door and now that it's getting nicer out we spend a fair amount of time together on the weekends. His mom (whom I really like) is not consistant at all. She gets overwhelmed VERY easily. She is a single mom w/ a live in fiance who is amazingly helpful but she's still the mom. She works f/t at a job that never leaves her any breathing space so when she comes home she's about done but still has the 2 kids. Her partner takes the kids alot but he doesn't have the same potential for patience that she does even though his job is much less stressful. The kid's dad is amost never around - in 1.5 years I seen him maybe 6-7 times.

Thank you so much for the insight, everyone. I guess what is hard is that this is just one of a few 'issues' w/this child. Many times that his mom and I have spoken about him, she just kind of throws her hands up in the air in frustration. What makes it almost harder is that my mom (who is around alot) has a very hard time w/this kid and my DH also has a really hard time with him too. He had J on Friday for a few hours for me and when I came home thanked me for taking him.