When your sons grow up, looking for positive stories of mothers and their grown sons

[mamapajama]

Go google "mother and son relationships and you will be horrified" at the endless pages of "I hate my MIL", and "sons grow up to abandon their famiilies of origin" while daughters are moms best friend etc. Well, I grew up in a family of all girls, and I have a crazy MIL so I have seen nothing to refute this stereotype that boys I love and nurture will grow up to marry some woman who hates me, and will call me once a year on mothers day.

Please refute the stereotype for me. Tell me about your wonderful husband who still speaks often to his mother. Tell me about your MIL who you love.

Thanks

[Kerlowyn]

My DH is the most amazing husband and father that there is.
He owes much of that to his mother, and he lets her know this.

I love my MIL. She is smart, funny, generous..and does not interfere with my family or my marriage. I have a great deal of respect for her, and love her very much.

How's that?

[CameronsMama]

My MIL gets on my nerves sometimes, but she means well and I love her, dh talks to her at least 1-2/week, and I call her to chat at least once a week. We have ILs over for bbq's at least a couple of times a month, and we all have fun hanging out, my MIL and my mom are pretty good friends now, too!

[neverdoingitagain]

Dh loves his mother, may she rest in peace. I love her too, for that matter. We got along really well, and my dh adored her. She had a great relationship with both of her children, though it was strained at times.
My husband is probably the best man I know, and the best friend I could have. I thanked my mother in law for that just before she died.

[kewb]

Dh loves his mother and speaks to her at least once a week. I am not close with her but I certainly do not hate her.

[Storm Bride]

MY brother is still pretty close to mom, and he's 45.

DH moved here to be with me, and to raise ds1 (didn't want to take my son from his natural father, which wasn't really a serious consideration, as things turned out, but I didn't know that at the time). He doesn't see his parents as much as he'd like, but he does talk to them every weekend on the phone, and we visit with them every year...usually, we go there one year, and they come here the next. My MIL is a wonderful person, and I wish we could live close to both families...but Vancouver, BC and Knoxville, TN are just too far apart.

[mrspineau]

My husbands mother and father live with us.

When I was 14, my mother was a little unstable. we fought constantly and she was not providing a fit environment. My ILs took me in, and I lived with them and grew up in their house from then on. (I still had things at my mothers, but I just never went there). My MIL is like my own mother, my FIL is lilke my father, and my BIL is like my brother. I love them, and dh loves them.

[FondestBianca]

My older brother (26 in a few days) is married and lives about 20 minutes from our mom's house. He has a 57' Chevy he is fixing up and keeps it in my mom's garage. Almost every weekend or at least every other weekend he and his wife go over to my mom's house to work on his car. Often times his wife will spend an afternoon with her mom and sister while my brother hangs around my mom's house. He is very independant, works hard, has a wonderful wife, they both have good careers, and yet, he still enjoys time at my mom's house on a regular basis.

In fact, although I "talk" to my mom more he visits her in person much more often. When I do visit it's cute to see him still coming in the house with his coveralls on, soiled in motor oil and greese asking his mommy to make him a home made burrito . He keeps all of his tools and his spare car at my mom's. His life is basically his wife and his cars and whenever he works on any of his cars it is at my mom's place. He also uses my mom's driveway to work on my dad's and my mom's cars. Needless to say he still spends quite a bit of time with my mom even after living on his own for the past 6 years or so.

He was a bit of an egotistical butthead when he was a teenager and he and my mom had their fair share of arguements but, all is well now. He and I get along just fine too. We've had our disagreements but, everything has been a-ok for the past 5 years.

[marybethorama]

Well for one I am NOT close to my mother

(Sorry Mom, hope you never read this)

But the fact is my mother and I have had a difficult relationship in the past and we are not "best friends"

My brothers are actually closer.

So I don't think that tradition is necessarily true.

I also think the hated MILs are hated for good reason

[MommytoTwo]

First of all, if you are a cool MIL who doesnt meddle or give unwanted advice you will be loved by your DIL.

My DH is really bad about talking on the phone. I would say he calls his mom once a week but a bit grudgingly - not bc he doesnt love her but because she talks endlessly and doesnt listen. LOL But he really does love his mom and she really loves him and when they are together its fun. They have a fun relationship and I know he thinks she is/was the greatest mom ever.

I have two boys too and I do worry about this a lot.

[Tigerchild]

My MIL is the mother I wish I had.

She is not intrusive, lets us know she's willing to lend a hand anytime without being pushy, she respects "my territory" even though to be honest I would be able to share my home and my kids with her without a second thought--perhaps because she does hold me with an open hand.

She has gently given me advice (never unasked, but I wouldn't be suprised if she guided me into asking--not in a guilt tripping way, but just because of who she is).

I think it helps that she has her own interests, so she's not dependent on DH for her life to have meaning. But this lady will never want for a home with many people to love and care for her as long as I'm alive (and probably after that too). She has definitely earned my love and loyalty.

She lived with us for 8 weeks after I had my twins. It was a high stress pregnancy, a horrific birth experience, I was in severe pain for 2 weeks, one of my boys was in the PICU after crashing due to an infection received in the hospital that went undetected after we were released, and she was there for me when I pluged headfirst into the abyss of a severe postpartum depression. She heard me scream obscenities at her son when he made an unfortunately timed comment that I totally took the wrong way in my depression/pain fog, and she ran over to wrap her arms around me and calm me down and protect me, however her mama bear instincts must have reared up for DH as well, she was also willing to protect me like her own.

So I am hers, too.

I don't know that I am as good of a person as she is, but if I can be half the role model of MILdom as she is, I'll be freaking happy with myself. And I hope she's still around when/if I become a MIL, so that I can learn more from her.

ETA:

The closest adult child/parent relationships I've seen tend to be almost exclusively son/mom. I've seen a few very close daughter/mom relationships, but that tends to come later in life...the good son/mom relationships tend to be more uniformly good over a long time. Though I think sometimes it helps if you're a mom who "gets" her boys, and doesn't expect them to be like girls. Or I might just know a lot of weird people or something.

[UnschoolnMa]

While I can't say that my MIL and I get a long, I can say that I do my very very best to steer clear of the relationship between her and Dh. I've never tried to keep him from talking to her or spending time with her even though we aren't friendly. Despite living in different states they remain pretty close, and as the mom of a teen son I really appreciate that.

My son and I are very very close. He's not dating yet, but I know it's coming up. It will be a transition for sure, and I worry about girls thinking he and I are too tight. I would definitely keep my own experience with my MIL in mind as we moved into that space.

[KYCat]

This is based only on my own experiences. I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers. My sisters and I have analyzed and dissected my mother all of our lives. My brothers have driven her crazy but have always loved and accepted her just as she is. Dh is the same way, although I'm not sure that his sisters are as critical as we are either. It seems often even when I hear about bad MIL experiences, the mom and sons still get along fine. I feel like mom/daughters can be closer but it's more likely that it will just be ugly, but boys just seem to love their moms without the criticism. This is only my experience, but it's what I'm counting on!!!

[Twocoolboys]

Originally Posted by MommytoTwo

First of all, if you are a cool MIL who doesnt meddle or give unwanted advice you will be loved by your DIL.

That is my mil! Not only that, but she has an amazing sense of style and often gives me clothes that she thinks I will like. I usually do! She is very cool in other ways too.

I have 3 sons and it has never crossed my mind that I would have anything less with them as adults than my dh and his mom have.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

My DF is close with his mom. She has bipolar disorder, and she leans on him a lot. He is always there for her. She is very proud of him, and he loves her very much. I am quite close with her as well - she will call me or visit even when DF is not home. DF's father died shortly before he was born, so I think that she really wants him to have the family that his father was never able to have, if that makes sense. She tries really hard not to meddle, despite some of our nontraditional choices. She has always been very encouraging of our relationship.

There is a local radio station with kind of a new format in my area - is is a talk station aimed at women. There is one woman who has a show in the morning, and she has a 21 yo son. She has him on the show every few weeks. They seem to have such a great relationship - open, but not too open. Very loving and understanding. I hope my relationship with DS will be that good when he is that age.

[mamapajama]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

My MIL is the mother I wish I had.

She is not intrusive, lets us know she's willing to lend a hand anytime without being pushy, she respects "my territory" even though to be honest I would be able to share my home and my kids with her without a second thought--perhaps because she does hold me with an open hand.

She has gently given me advice (never unasked, but I wouldn't be suprised if she guided me into asking--not in a guilt tripping way, but just because of who she is).

I think it helps that she has her own interests, so she's not dependent on DH for her life to have meaning. But this lady will never want for a home with many people to love and care for her as long as I'm alive (and probably after that too). She has definitely earned my love and loyalty.

She lived with us for 8 weeks after I had my twins. It was a high stress pregnancy, a horrific birth experience, I was in severe pain for 2 weeks, one of my boys was in the PICU after crashing due to an infection received in the hospital that went undetected after we were released, and she was there for me when I pluged headfirst into the abyss of a severe postpartum depression. She heard me scream obscenities at her son when he made an unfortunately timed comment that I totally took the wrong way in my depression/pain fog, and she ran over to wrap her arms around me and calm me down and protect me, however her mama bear instincts must have reared up for DH as well, she was also willing to protect me like her own.

So I am hers, too.

I don't know that I am as good of a person as she is, but if I can be half the role model of MILdom as she is, I'll be freaking happy with myself. And I hope she's still around when/if I become a MIL, so that I can learn more from her.

ETA:

The closest adult child/parent relationships I've seen tend to be almost exclusively son/mom. I've seen a few very close daughter/mom relationships, but that tends to come later in life...the good son/mom relationships tend to be more uniformly good over a long time. Though I think sometimes it helps if you're a mom who "gets" her boys, and doesn't expect them to be like girls. Or I might just know a lot of weird people or something.

Wow, that made me cry. Thank you for sharing that.

[LynnS6]

My husband just had a 45 minute conversation with his mother today. They talk regularly. (We live 2000 miles away, so we can't visit regularly.) We are going on vacation together in August, and I'm looking forward to it!. I *wish* my MIL would come visit more often. She's actually a much more restful guest than my own mother!

My brother lives a 15 minute drive from my parents. He, his wife and son go over to visit nearly every Sunday. (I think his wife instituted this tradition.) He and his wife have a great relationship with my parents.

My brother in law has essentially been the sole caregiver for his aging mother for the 20 or so years since his father died. He and my sister helped her when she was still in her home. They helped her sell her house when the time came, find a place to live and move her. When her health began to deteriorate, he would visit 3-4 times weekly and talk to her daily. My sister made meals for her. When serious dementia hit, he was the one who took care of finding a place where she could be comfortable and safe. He visits 4 or more times a week.

People don't write about the good relationships. They're very boring!

[mamawanabe]

social work

Women remain in closer contact with their families of origin because girls are taught that social work is important work. Men are not taught this and so they don't do it. Thus my dh calls his mom 2X a year (christmas and mother's day) despite loving and respecting her. Boys learn that social work is not for them from the culture and also from their families (my mom and dh's mom organized all family holidays with grandparents and bought gifts for all relatives and wrote the thank you notes etc; our dad;s did none of this.). Now, today, while both me an dh love his mom, but dh does not do the social work, it falls to me. Not surprisingly, we are much closer to my family.

My advice - get your dh involved in social work. Show your son social work is man's work too and he will be more likly to do it when he grows up (more likely to stay close/in touch with you).

And, no matter what, be really nice and supportive of all grilfriends (or boyfirends) you dh brings home just in case he ends up marrying one of them.

[Alyantavid]

My mil is alright at time and a lunatic at other times. She and dh are close, although they don't always get along. He'll drop anything to go help her with whatever she needs. We think its important to our boys that they have a good start at a relationship with their grandparents, however it may turn out.

My mom, I think, makes a great mil. Course she isn't my mil so I see it differently. My brother, sil and I and all the kids go to my mom's for dinner once a week, every week, plus lots of other things during the week as well. But the whole daughter is closer to mom thing is definitely true in our case. But I think a big part of that is my brother's personality more than just the fact that he's a boy.

[purplepaperclip]

I luuuurve my MIL! She's one of my best friends. We call each other just to catch up frequently. DH is definately still a mama's boy (in the best sense of the term) too. She has never gotten involved with our arguments, even when we were living with them. After DH's dad died, we were her rock for a while. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones though, because I hear horror stories about other people's MILs.

ETA: I think I'm probably closer with MIL than I am with my own mom at this point...