When your sons grow up, looking for positive stories of mothers and their grown sons - Page 3

[Hazelnut]

My brothers get along with my mother better than I or my sister does, though I am close to her. They've always had a great relationship, as far as I can tell.

I have sons though and certainly clash with my oldest. I worry about the future of our relationship too and he's only five! Sometimes I think mothers just struggle b/c it's hard, and there's often not enough support, and then it's so easy to blame the parenting mistakes that led to riffs on mom. Never mind if mom had to struggle and did her best. I also tend to think that daughters turn to their moms more than sons when they have their own kids.

[Hazelnut]

Everything is great here. I think that a lot of Mom/son issues result from traditional male upbringing, in which the male is not encouraged to form attachment for fear of being a "Mama's boy". My boys are being raised without being chided for being attached and they are raised to show personal responsibility like with cooking and housekeeping. I know it sounds weird but I swear so much has to do with attachment and our culture's tendency to discourage attachment in male children.

oh yeah that! there are a couple books about this too. One I read that is really good is called The Courage to Raise Good men. Great book! I actually take pride when I hear the "mama's boy" comment about my sons.

[marieangela]

I get along with my mil to a certain extent, but she drives me and dh crazy (and my sils). She has three sons and none live near her.

My brother has moved away, but talks to my folks almost everyday and his wife likes my mom. My parents and my sil's parents get along rather well and her parents love my boys, too.

I do worry a bit about what kind of women my boys will end up with and whether we'll get along. I think that I have a good chance, though, since I'm not pushy, intrusive, passive-aggressive or any of the traits that would tend to drive a dil crazy.

[Qestia]

I adore my MIL and my DH has a wonderful relationship with her, but she is a wonderful woman. My brother, OTOH, only calls my mom when he wants money... but my relationship with my mother is, well, complex as well. I worry more about my relationship with my daughter. I can think of lots of men who are wonderful to their moms but not so many women who really consider their moms friends.

[thefragile7393]

Originally Posted by mamapajama

Please refute the stereotype for me. Tell me about your wonderful husband who still speaks often to his mother. Tell me about your MIL who you love.

Dh adores his parents, his whole family, and calls them quite often. He loves both his parents very much.

MIL....I'm still learning. It's been hard before their way of thinking is SOOOOOOOO different then what I was brought up with and what i am used to so it's taken me a long time to get where I am. I've learned to forgive and not dwell on stuff that really....was just a different way of doing things. And seeing things.

[mamapajama]

It''s so nice to hear these great stories. I have had so many problems with my MIL over the years, and it so complicated as to who is the responsible party, and so confusing as to how to help everyone get along. I grew up with girls, and while I am close to my mother, my sister is not. So I know it goes both ways, and I Know a lot of it is stereotype. But, It is so nice to actually hear these stories and not just imagine that they exist.

[Poogles0213]

I also have a great relationship with my MIL...in fact, I have often told her she is much more a mom to me than my own mother ever was (which is very, very true). She is absolutely wonderful

DH calls his mom every day, and I wouldn't be surprised if he continues to do so as long as they are both around. He and his mother have an AMAZING relationship

[honeybee]

My ILs live 5 minutes away. They moved to town after we were married, and after SIL moved here because she married one of dh's friends. We see them often, but they're really good about not just "dropping in." We have our differences, but I certainly don't hate her or think she's evil by any means. I think dh is a bit emotionally needy and paranoid because of his upbringing, but I know the ILs are products of their own upbringing, and they did what they thought was right at the time, and that's all any of us can do.

I think dh and MIL pretty much have the same relationship they always had. For instance, she keeps harping on him about his long hair, and he refuses to cut it because it annoys her so much (he's over 30!). But he goes over to help with the computer, or just takes the kids over to play, etc.

Actually, I think dh has a better adult relationship with his mom than SIL does, even though MIL and SIL probably do more things together. I think SIL and MIL's lives are a bit too intertwined, and she's never learned to stand up to her mom about things, which I think caused some problems in her marriage. She will always try to push things off on others so she doesn't upset her mom, etc. Dh learned to stand up to her when necessary, and I think it's improved things a lot.

And my brother is closer to my mom than he is to anyone else, I think.

So, there you go!

[wildmonkeys]

My brother and I are both close with both of my parents.

My dh and his siblings (3 boys and 2 girls) haven't been close with his parents for the 15ish years I've been around. They just weren't a close family with young children and they aren't now....it seems that the men have found wives to be close to and the two sisters haven't....as a result there seem to be different expectations...driven by loneliness rather than gender...

I don't know. As a mother of three sons, I also worry. However, whatever joy my boys bring me now...seems unexpected in the future, you know?

[mommy68]

My DH doesn't agree with most things his mother says or does with her life but he gets along with her because he respects her as the person who gave him life and raised him, no matter how badly she raised him. She has health issues right now and he is there for her and his dad moreso than his siblings, whom they preferred over DH over the years. His siblings are nowhere to be found when his parents really need their kids. DH is there, even though he doesn't agree with their lives. And my DH wasn't the ideal teenager or young man either. He got in a lot of trouble back in the day and has grown in to a wonderful dad to our children and a really good grown son to his parents.

[hippiemum21580]

Thsi is a worry of mine as I have four boys who I love with all my soul and cannot even fathom them someday being old enough to move out and live thier own lives...... I worry all I try to instill in them will get lost somehow and forgotten about it. I pray I can remain close with them. In MY experience, my last MIL was the stereotypical EVIL MIL......she wore a skimpy lacy white dress to MY wedding and spent hours in the waiting room at the hospital whiel I was in labor with her first grandson telling everyone in the room with her that I was screwing up[ her sons life....... But i do NOT measure all MIL's up to that horrid woman! I think if you are respectful and encouraging to your sons in all of thier life choices then that relationship will stay intact and strong.

[mamawanabe]

Originally Posted by mamapajama

It''s so nice to hear these great stories. I have had so many problems with my MIL over the years, and it so complicated as to who is the responsible party, and so confusing as to how to help everyone get along. I grew up with girls, and while I am close to my mother, my sister is not. So I know it goes both ways, and I Know a lot of it is stereotype. But, It is so nice to actually hear these stories and not just imagine that they exist.

some of it is a stereotype, but there is some truth to it. I think more than luck is involved (though "clicking" with your kids personality wise as an adult is somewhat based on luck). There are things you and your dh can do to teach your son that maintaining social relationships is masculine work, increasing the chances that he will do this work as an adult and keep in regular contact with you. My dh loves his mom, but we never see or talk to her unless she visits or calls because dh leaves all the social contact/social work to me, and I'm gonna work harder for to stay in touch with my friends and family, naturally. Not surprisingly, his mother not his father arranged the family reunions and bought family christmas presents. Dh learned young this is women's work. Get your dh involved in maintaining social relationships with friends and family. He should take you son christmas shopping for in-law gifts and your son should see him writing the thank-you emails and other emails to family.

It is a cylce. I hear more from my brother's wife than my brother though we get along well and were very close when he lived at home. They are MUCH closer to her family because she does all the social work, just like my mom did (my dad never bought a christmas present for his parents in 26 years of marriage etc - my mom did it all).

Break the cycle. Just my two cents

[Hayes]

We had dinner at my MIL's on Thursday night. This time I cooked, but often she does. We do family meals there with both sisters and their families as well. We do Thanksgiving all together and always have Crhistmas gifts and food there at some poitn in December as well..


They aren't best friends or anything, but we all get along just fine!

[2 in August]

My brother moved 6hrs away for work and now is married. Geographically he is closer to his ils but he still loves my parents and calls them frequently. My sil actually comes alone up to my parents' to take a break and get away from it all. I love both my parents too and love spending time with them. I'm actually kind of jealous because before my dad retired my mom and I used to hang out a lot and now she's always with him. lol But since my dad retired, he often just calls to talk to me (they live about 10min away).

My dh is an only child and his parents live about 15min away. They come over every week or so. I like them, they are just very different from my parents and sometimes they are a bit much for me. Dh was their miracle baby and as an only child (2 stillborn sibs and 2 miscarriages) he was always doted on. He lived with them till he married me. His dad annoys him sometimes, but he's still there for them when they need him.

My aunt and uncle have 3 boys that were complete handfuls as kids. Now they are all grown and married, 2 of them have kids of their own and they are all very close with eachother. One son and his wife and 2 kids moved in with my aunt and uncle for awhile. My aunt is very close with her dils. They all come to our state every summer together for vacation.

I think given the right family dynamics, it is totally possible to be a good mil and have a good relationship with your kids as they grow up. Of course I wonder what kinds of people my kids will marry or partner with, but I hope that no matter what we can all get along.

[ann_of_loxley]

When I first met my DH - he couldnt wait to introduce me to his mother!... And I love my MIL! I can be myself around her (I mean, when you can walk around your MILs house naked and its okay...thats pretty good stuff lol) and she has been there for me when I really needed someone - a mother. And my DH and his mother still have a good strong relationship. He calls her often - at least once a month...just to chat! And we go stay with them every chance we get... every few months for the weekend or a week. Whilst we are there, they do a lot together and I often find them in the kitchen just having a good chat. Its nice to see that they are still close. I hope my son will be too. Its good for my son to see this though as well!

Sure - no one is perfect. We all have our ups and downs. I am sure both MIL and I could find something to nit pick about with the other. But all in all...I love my family - even the extended family!