Reconnection suggestions or games?

[hipumpkins]

My Dh and DD are really having trouble together. I know my Dd is challenging but he takes it too far. the 2 of them have been butting heads and he just can't see her in positive light these days.
Is there anyway to foster a reconnection?
This is different than when I have a bad day with her b/c I *KNOW* it is me that needs to work on my issues and my reactions,,,he hears me say that but can not get it in his head.
I come home at night from work and DD is either in tears and not sleeping telling me how "daddy was fresh to her" or DH is all angry telling me he can't handle her and she is this or that.
Last night she was crying that she missed me and she woke up DS b/c she was crying and DH told her that she couldn't watch a movie the next night b/c she woke up her brother!!! Um..she was CRYING!~~!
I want him to see that he is pushing her away that his inability to connect with her is causing him to miss out.

[AllisonR]

I'm really sorry for your DD and your DH.

My suggestion would be not to concentrate on the overall problems, but concrete specifics with DH. Think about what his underlying issue is - control, unconscious lack of respect for your DD as a separate person...? But also realize he can't change his whole view of her quickly.

Instead concentrate on a few very specific issues, as they come up, to get him to understand that specific issue. Maybe he can then apply that understanding to more things - later.

For example: no movie because she was crying. It makes no sense. Tell DH that, but in a way that makes him think. Possibilities:
"You punished DD for crying. Why?"
"If YOU were upset and crying about something X (DHs boss, friend...) did to you, how would YOU feel if I cut you off and merely said you needed to be quiet? And if you continued, how would you feel if I said you were not allowed to watch the football game, because you inconvenienced me by blabbing? Does this fix, or make worse, your original issue; your problem with X?"
"Did you ask her why she was crying? What would have happened instead, if you huged DD and said to her "I understand you are sad because you miss mommy. It makes you sad when you feel you can't talk to me and only want mommy. I am sorry." Do you think her feelings would have been validated, and she would have felt at least a little better?"
"Did DD wake DS intentionally, or did she wake him unintentionally because she was crying? If it was an accident, why punish her for that?"
"What do you think telling DD she can't watch a movie because she woke DS teach her? Will it teach her that accidentally waking her sibling is more important than her feelings? Will it teach her to no show her feelings, or hide them from you so she doesn't 'get in trouble.'? Will it teach her to cry quietly or silently, to cut off her emotions?...."