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help! thinking of terminating preg...i am 40. - Page 2

post #21 of 143
Originally Posted by pattigirlny View Post
I also thought that what if I won lotto this week...and the finance thing wasnt an issue....then I think I would go ahead with the pregnancy.
It sounds like there is part of you that does want to have another baby. But only you know what's best for you. I wouldn't worry too much about your age, but finances can be difficult. However, a termination might be expensive too, unless you can get the pill for it.
I hope you figure out what you want to do soon since it's best to make these sorts of decision before the 8 week mark.
post #22 of 143
I'm not reading the other responses.

Out of all the medical conditions to have medicaid for, pregnancy is probably the best. At least where I live, the best insured pregnant moms see the same exact drs in the same exact buildings and deliver in the same exact hospital as the moms covered by medicaid. Midwifery coverage might be harder to find with medicaid but generally prenatal care is taken very seriously and you will not be treated badly for being on medicaid while pregnant. I have several times had to go see specialists at high risk clinics and most of the women there were covered by medicaid (the waiting room is right by the receptionist so it's impossible not to overhear).

No one can tell you the right decision to make, but personally I would not terminate based on finances alone. I would consider terminating if I were in an abusive relationship or if my partner were totally unsupportive. But if I had a loving world to bring a child into, I would.
post #23 of 143
No advice, just sympathy. I hope you can come to a decision that you feel comfortable with. I have two friends who gave birth over 40 and their kids turned out fine. Down's syndrome shouldn't be taken lightly, but they can do pretty accurate screening at 10 weeks. I don't necessarily think that abortion is always devasting emotionally/spiritually. I think it all depends on your own worldview. And as others have suggested, you could always consider adoption. Good luck with whatever you decide.
post #24 of 143
Just wanted to say that I delivered my second child while on Medicaid and had the exact same hospital and doctor as when I was on regular health insurance and delivered my first.

I was treated no differently because I was on Medicaid. Perhaps in your area, women on medicaid have to go to clinics, but if you're assuming that, it may not be true.

I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.

post #25 of 143
I have a nine-month-old and a ten year old. It's fun. And a new baby brings a bit more youth and hope into everyone's world.

I think you sound like you wouldn't really "get over" having an abortion--you might always feel like you were missing one of your children.
post #26 of 143
Down syndrome is not the end of the world. Lots of kids have very fulfilling lives, and do very well.

post #27 of 143
I wasn't quite in your situation, I'm younger and so are my 2 kids, but I felt the same "I'm so done with babies" feelings. I did decide to have an abortion and it was absolutely the right decision for our family. My husband was ok with either decision and put absolutely no pressure on me. The way I made up my mind was to sort of live with the idea of another baby for a week or so, to see if I could get excited, but I was just miserable at the idea of another baby, which really surprised me honestly. I have no regrest, no lingering sadness at all, just relief. BUT, that's me. Everyone obviously reacts differently, but I just wanted to share that not everyone has a negative reaction.

I wish you peace with whatever you decide.
post #28 of 143
I have terminated a pregnancy before, and I feel completely ok with that decision. If you can make peace with it and know it is right for you, then there is no reason it would haunt you forever.

That being said, if finances are really the main thing that you are stuck on (thinking of the lottery comment) I think you probably would feel a lot of regret.

Financially, I have had babies under times of financial duress and believe me, it can be done.

Best to you
post #29 of 143
How is your husband feeling about it? What are his thoughts/desires/fears?
post #30 of 143
If you really feel like you can't bring another child into your family, you could still give that baby to someone else that really wants him. Have you thought of adoption yet? I was able to have 2 babies on medicaid and it didn't cost me anything. Not sure if that would work for you or not. I'm sure it would be hard to give your baby to someone else, but probably easier to deal with than abortion, if you decide not to keep the baby.
post #31 of 143
im 40 and dont find that a reason to abort. i am having a healthy happy baby in October.

i recommend you look at all those ppl you know who have been trying to have a baby and possibly see about adoption with one of them.

i fully support your choice (its your body) but you are in a position where you can give life to the one you are carrying and bring great joy to another couple that longs for a baby.
post #32 of 143
Lots of hugs to you mama.
post #33 of 143
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation. Whether or not to terminate a pregnancy is the most difficult decision you will ever make. You and your husband need to make this decision together, hand in hand, preferably with the help of a neutral counselor.

Hang in there.
post #34 of 143
I had a surprise baby at 40. His sister and brother were 22 years and 17 years old when he was born. He is the best thing that ever happened to me! "Starting over again" has been great and lots of fun.

My husband was very worried about the increased likelihood of chromosome anomalies, so I had the blood test at ten weeks which made him feel less worried. But the risk of Downs or any other syndrome is actually very low when you're 40. It's only when you're nearing 45 that the likelihood is really increasing - and even then the large majority of babies are just fine.

As previous posters have said, practical things can usually be fixed. My grandmother got married at 38 in 1940, shortly after German bombs had destroyed the town she lived in, and both she and her fiancé (my grandfather) lost everything they owned. My mother was born when my grandmother was 42, and her brother when she was 43. At that time my grandfather was 58 years old. They were lovely parents for my mother and her siblings, she had a very happy childhood.

I find that being pregnant and having a baby at 40 was no more difficult than it was when I was 22. It did take longer for me to feel my good old self again after the birth, but being older has its advantages, too! For instance I'm much better at prioritising and using my energy where it's actually important, and at taking one day at a time and not wear myself out by thinking of everything I have to hurry up and do.

We were shocked when we found out I was pregnant, but if I hadn't had this baby I would truly have regretted it. It might have been my last chance to experience this miracle.

So I recommend having a baby at 40, it's great. It is of course your decision if you want to keep this baby - but I don't think you should let your age weigh very heavily. 40 is not really that old.
post #35 of 143
I was there 9 months ago. I'm currently about two weeks away from delivery. I'm 34, dh is 40, my youngest is 8, oldest is 16, we were totally done--I was finally able to persue a career. Financially, we're completely in the dumps.

Ultimately, deciding to continue the pregnancy was the only option I knew I could live w/. Things that have worked in our favor so far, or silver linings that I have found: the kids are beyond excited--their support and excitement, surprisingly, helped a ton--served as a total perspective shifter. People, family have helped so much in helping us acquire baby things. (we haven't spent a penny thus far and don't plan to for quite some time--babies are cheap) Because we're uninsured, we're persuing a UC. (not that I'd personally do it any other way) I realized at some point along the way, 9 months is an awfully long time to get acclimated to a new prospect. It can be done.

Deciding what's best for you in a situation like this is never easy. I wish you strength and I hold only empathy and compassion for you.

And the "don't you know what causes that" type attitudes are really unecessary. Abstinance is the only guarantee. We happened to get pregnant using condoms.
post #36 of 143
It is true that finances often fall into line when you need them, and that babies are not as expensive as we usually think. But what I wonder is whether your concern about practical issues isn't cloaking a deeper ambivalence about raising another child. I don't know what I would do in your situation; I would probably have the baby. But don't let anyone else tell you what is right for you or for your family. It is true that abortion can be very hard on the mama and the family...but so is another baby, especially a baby that you and your partner are not feeling good about.

Of course, a lot of women who have "surprise" babies later in life just need some time to get adjusted to the idea and find them a great blessing. It's impossible to know. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find peace and acceptance within yourself. There is no right answer. The down side of having the right to choose is that you also have the responsibility to choose.
post #37 of 143
Originally Posted by N8'sMom View Post
Obviously you know how a baby's made. Were you using protection?

If you don't want it, then give it to someone who does.
The baby may not be a blessing to you, but it sure would be
to someone else who's been wanting one.
I couldn't let this comment go and not make a comment myself! I think this is the total opposite of support! Are you saying that if she wasn't using protection then she is somehow at fault? I really don't think it matters. She is pregnant now and must deal with it one way or the other and seeking support. That is why she came here.

As far as the OP's issue, I can speak as a woman that has had an abortion, tho I was 22 yo at the time. My situation was not like yours, my DH clearly did not want the baby (it would have been our 2nd child) and made it understood that it was the baby or the marriage. I caved and went along and got the abortion and it has grieved me ever since.
I will be upfront and say that for the most part I am against abortion for just about any reason, so take what I say FWIW. You mentioned that if finances were different, then you would have the baby. To me that says that you really do want to have the baby, it just circumstances, and those can change rapidly.
Aside from that, the most compelling thing I can say for keeping the baby: I have never heard someone say "I regret NOT getting an abortion." It's always the regret from doing it.
Forgive me if I have been bold or out of line. I don't mean to put pressure on you or give you a guilt trip. I think doing as one PP mentioned and just letting things lie w/out requiring a decision out of yourself is very wise. Whatever decision you make, I hope you it gives you peace.
post #38 of 143
I'll admit that I haven't read all of the posts in the thread, so if what I'm about to say is unnecessary, forgive me.

First and foremost, I feel that this is a personal decision. Others can help you sort through your options but at the end of the day, you must be 100% comfortable with your decision because it is you who will live with it. I don't think you're a bad person regardless of what you choose.

I have had an abortion. It was really sad and did involve a grieving process. However, despite that, I feel it was the best decision at the time. I have also experienced infertility and miscarriage and wondered if that was punishment for the abortion... I don't think so.

If you decide to terminate, please make sure you have support. You may need some grief counseling... or you may not... but be prepared either way. Good luck... it's such a tough decision and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
post #39 of 143
I'm so sorry that you're in such a difficult position here. I just wanted to say that if you do decide to keep the pregnancy I bet there are many here on MDC alone that would help you out with gently used baby stuff. Many of us have extra and would love the opportunity to share with those less fortunate. Just let us know.

Wishing you luck and strength. I think you already know in your heart what is right for you and your family.
post #40 of 143
Also dear poster, there is a whole thread of "over forty and pregnant" mama's here, if you just want to see what its like after forty you can check in there.
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