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help! thinking of terminating preg...i am 40. - Page 3

post #41 of 143
Mama. What a hard decision to make.

I haven't read all the other responses and I'm not going to offer what *I* would do b/c that's irrelevant.

I will say that I am 28yo and I have a 3yo little brother. My mom was just shy of 48 when she delivered my brother, my dad, well he was 54 :LOL

Let me tell you this, they are thankful every day for their late-in-life baby. He is the absolute light of their lives and honestly, he keeps them young. Yes, they're tired quite a bit, and it was rough getting used to waking in the night for feedings and what not. But they can NOT imagine their lives without him and neither can the rest of us. I have a now 18yo sister who helps take care of him when things get a little rough for my parents, but it's not often and it's things that any older sibling would do anyway.

And whenever someone meets my parents and says something like "oh, I could never do that", my mom is quick to say, "we thought that to, but we're doing it."
post #42 of 143
I think you need to look deep inside yourself. Of course you're in shock because you weren't expecting this, and you're not emotionally prepared to go through this right now.

It's really not about the money or the Medicaid. Financial things have a way of working themselves out somehow. But if you truly feel like your family is "complete" or that your body is too worn out to go through this again, or that you've got some dream you're ready to start working on now that your youngest is past babyhood- then maybe this isn't the time for a baby.

Try to imagine yourself in 5, 10, and 20 years. How do you think you'll feel at those times if you continue this pregnancy? How do you think you'll feel if you abort?

Only you can answer those questions.
post #43 of 143
This is really only a decision you can make. But I will say that almost everyone *I* personally know who has terminated has had a really terrible time dealing with that for the rest of their life. It's like being haunted and it causes them a lot of pain.
I have to agree with this. I was fine for THREE years. Barely even thought about it. I had a wonderful husband, great kids, life was perfect. Then one day it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I left my husband a suicide note. Thanks God I didn't actually follow through with it but it damaged me...bad...and it took 3 years to even surface. I've read books that have helped me cope etc. but I will never forget and I will never be the same.

I am not trying to discourage you if this is what you feel you need to do. I am just trying to warn you what might happen.

My mother is 47. I have an 11 year old brother and a 24 year old brother then she preceded to get pregnant 3 more times in her forties, but all ended in miscarriage. Several of her friends are also in their forties with very young children. I think it is much more common today than in the past.

I can understand your feelings about your situation. As someone else posted though, medicaid is an option (I was on it for 2 of my pregnancies), and a lot of midwives don't charge very much. Medicaid in Texas won't cover midwives but it will in other places. I know our midwife is $2000, but she also offers a "hardship" program where she will trade, barter or work on a very very flexable payment plan with you. You might ask around for midwives you do that sort of thing.

Anyway, I hope that you're able to make a decision you're at peace with. It's never easy, I know.

ETA: My step dad was 46 when their son was born and he was in his 50's when they tried to have more.
post #44 of 143
i just wanted to wish you peace with whatever decision you come to.

not trying to sway you at all, but just wanted to share. my dad was born when my grandma was 40 and his eldest siblings were in their late teens. my mom was the child of an affair my grandma was having, and she was also in her late thirties. it wasn't what any of them were expecting (my grandparents, that is), but needless to say, i'm pretty glad they got the chance to be born.
post #45 of 143
Oh, Mama! :

Whatever you choose for yourself will be the right choice. Listen to your heart and to the counsel of those you trust.

My Mother was 40 years old when she found out that she was pregnant with my youngest sister. She had been on the pill for YEARS, so this was quite a surprise. I was 15 and my other sister was 10 at the time. I spoke to my Mom about this recently and she too had considered termination, but finally decided that she would go ahead with the pregnancy. My Dad was laid off at the time, and I was heading off to college the next school year so money was tight. But money comes and money goes so she set those worries aside. I know that it was a tough decision for my parents, but I've always enjoyed being the "big sister" and we are a close, happy family.

Follow your heart. :
post #46 of 143
Good luck making your decision, and ignore the rude posts.
post #47 of 143
If you feel you cant handle another child but have friends that want a child then why not let someone have to baby who wants it.

You feel you will regret and worry about what God will think. If you are christian and follow the Bible and follow the 10 commandments then you know that you cant terminate. If you believe in prayer then sit down and pray and find your answer that way.

(I know some will get all upset about my post but I am sharing how I feel and from the OP's post the message I am receiving from it she is the one who brought God up I am just following in that vein)
post #48 of 143
I'm also 40, i have 3 kids ages 19, 14 and 3. All children are blessings at any age. I don't plan on having anymore but i sure wouldn't have an abortion if i did get pregnant, no matter what my age or health or financial situation. I personally think abortion should be out lawed. I don't understand how any woman who has given birth, could even consider an abortion, no matter what the situation. Abortion not only kills an innocent little human being, it also hurts the woman. If you cannot keep your baby, put your baby up for adoption. To me thats always been the logical choice. I don't understand why a woman would choose to kill her baby instead of giving her beautiful blessing to someone else.
post #49 of 143
I think you have gotten a lot of good opinions. And hopefully you will be able to make a choice.

I did want to chime in and say that Medicaid during pregnancy is not a bad or disgraceful thing. Even getting WIC or Foodstamps is not. They help your baby. I don't know what state you're in but I know that a lot of women can go to an OB they know and trust, they don't have to go to a generic "clinic." Some midwives take Medicaid - or lke others said you can consider homebirth for what is probably a lot cheaper.

And as for baby things - you will get what you need! People will probably flood you with gifts for your "late surprise." There are plenty of Goodwill and Salvation Army stores - all of which sell baby clothes for pennies. Yard sales are also great places to check. You can sign up with your local Freecycle - baby stuff goes on Freecycles ALL the time! Breastfeeding is basically free.

There is no shame in having a baby with tight finances. My first baby was born into complete and humiliating poverty. She was a joy to me, and so very well loved and cared for - even though it was mama's breast and mama's arms that were her comfort - not expensive baby gadgets. And now she is a bright, dancing, loving child. To her hand-me-downs are a treasure, and the hours she spends playing outside are worth far more than the toys I worked so hard to buy her.

Money is not what buys a child's love or happiness. So I would think carefully on that if money is your primary issue.
post #50 of 143
I'm so sorry you're struggling with such a painful issue, mama. As several other people have said, only you can know what is right for you and your family.

I just wanted to say that I know several people who have had abortions, and not one regrets it. Sure, it was a painful choice to make and they each regret being in that situation, but none of those folks looks back now and thinks it was the wrong choice... for them... at that time.

Nonetheless- I wish you peace and support, no matter where your heart leads you.
post #51 of 143
Wishing you peace with whatever decision you come to.

Realize you've only just found out this news, it may take a few days for your true emotions to come through. It's rather a shock to the system to get that +HPT, no matter what age you are, whether you were trying or not, you know?
post #52 of 143
mama. Follow your heart. May you find peace in whatever decision you make.
post #53 of 143
I'm not really in your situation, but I can say as far as Medicaid and WIC, it is nothing to be ashamed of if you seek this kind of assistance. I am using both, actually. With the rising cost of everything and the fact that my husband's insurance turned out to not be as great as we originally thought, we had to consider what would be best for the baby we're having.

My grandmother was one month from her 40th birthday when my dad, her first, was born. She went on to have two more children, all healthy.

My mom was 29 when she had my little sister. Even though that is younger than the age many women are starting families now, she considered that to be too old to be having kids. I believe her medical problems were a big factor in that opinion. She had been sick for sometime. My dad was discharged from the Air Force in '86 when Reagan downsized the military. We were forced to live with my grandmother and her husband for most of the next year. We finally got an apartment when mom found out she was pregnant. It's just one of those things that happens with marriage, she says. Right before my sister was to be born, Dad got fired from his job (long story). They had to get emergency medicaid in order to cover the birth. She came out beautiful and very healthy. We were, of course, forced to move back in with my grandmother since Dad couldn't get a new job immediately, but the family did what it had to do.

As far as the cost of caring for a baby on top of very little income, my little sister was breastfed to cover the food. For diapers, my mom actually converted dishcloths into cloth diapers. Those are the only two examples of money-saving tips I can offer in that respect. I was only five at the time and can't remember everything that was going on.

As it turned out, my mom was not just sick. She was dying. Her gallbladder had given out, and the multitude of doctors and clinics she had seen had continued to tell her that it was just her imagination. When she finally found a doctor that took her seriously and discovered the problem, she was sent in to immediate surgery to have it removed. (My parents are still paying on that bill nearly 20 years later, from what I understand.) She was supposed to have been dead for at least six months before they had even diagnosed her. I am a FIRM believer that it was her stubbornness to make sure that baby remembered her mama that helped her to hold on for so long.

Her financial and medical reasons were enough that many would have encouraged her to have aborted my sister. With my parents, that concept had never once occurred to them. They figured that it was God's Will that she become pregnant at that point. (We are five years apart, and my parents had not done anything to prevent pregnancy in that time.) My parents still don't have the best financial situation, but they now have two grown daughters from their marriage.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. My point with these examples is that you never know what the future may hold. There may be a reason you can't comprehend right now that you have gotten pregnant (like my belief that it was the pregnancy that helped save my mom's life). As far as financial situations, you may have to get creative about a few things, but there are ways to get around them. There's also more help for pregnant women and babies than you might realize. (In MO, as an example, qualifying for Medicaid automatically qualifies you for WIC even if you technically make too much money. They initially said that I made $16 whole dollars too much for WIC...)

Do what's best for you, for your baby, and for your family as a whole. Pray/meditate/whatever it is you believe in doing to figure out for yourself exactly where your heart lies. Good luck. I'll be keeping you and your family in my own prayers.
post #54 of 143
You've gotten lots of good responses here. Wishing you peace and wisdom in your decision; and had to add that my son, born when I was 32, has Down syndrome and is the greatest thing that ever happened to us. Truly. And I know a whole, whole lot of kids with DS now, and their parents feel the same! There's no reason to assume anything about the baby -- just wanted to counter a lot of the negativity about Down syn. that's out there. HTH!
post #55 of 143
Originally Posted by andreac View Post
I wasn't quite in your situation, I'm younger and so are my 2 kids, but I felt the same "I'm so done with babies" feelings. I did decide to have an abortion and it was absolutely the right decision for our family. My husband was ok with either decision and put absolutely no pressure on me. The way I made up my mind was to sort of live with the idea of another baby for a week or so, to see if I could get excited, but I was just miserable at the idea of another baby, which really surprised me honestly. I have no regrest, no lingering sadness at all, just relief. BUT, that's me. Everyone obviously reacts differently, but I just wanted to share that not everyone has a negative reaction.

I wish you peace with whatever you decide.
I felt something similar when I miscarried with my second pregnancy. My first dd was only 1, very needy, I was working a lot, my husband's back was getting worse and worse (herniated disc) and the last thing I wanted was to be pregnant. I was very miserable, and if I hadn't miscarried, I would have aborted, and dh would have supported me, because he could see how miserable I was. We both breathed a big sigh of relief when I miscarried, and I do not feel sad about it or ponder upon it. I'm sure some people would think those are awful thoughts to have, but I felt it was better that way, then have a baby that I would resent.

I'm pregnant again, but this time, I'm in a much better situation, I have my sister to help me, my husband's back is much better thanks to chiro care, and he can help me with dd, who's now a 2.5 toddler. Mentally, I'm in a much better state now.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision and big to you.
post #56 of 143
Originally Posted by Belia View Post
I just wanted to say that I know several people who have had abortions, and not one regrets it.
Ditto, I know many women who have terminated pregnancies for various reasons and not a one suffered any significant trauma. I also know women who chose to give birth and have their child adopted, and I believe this has been a far more traumatic process for them, and a lifelong one, too. I also have many friends, including my DH, who were adopted and don't believe it's a workable system.

I aborted a pregnancy at 17 and not once have I regretted it. I believe that this is because I was, and remain, 100% sure that I did the right thing, for me but primarily for the child itself. For many reasons, all of them unavoidablely crappy, the child would've had an absolutely miserable life and I'd have ruined things for us all.

If you're not 100% on termination, I'd think twice, as I feel it was my absolute certainty and confidence in this that protected me from having a more difficult experience.
post #57 of 143
Originally Posted by LoobyLoo View Post
Ditto, I know many women who have terminated pregnancies for various reasons and not a one suffered any significant trauma. I also know women who chose to give birth and have their child adopted, and I believe this has been a far more traumatic process for them, and a lifelong one, too. I also have many friends, including my DH, who were adopted and don't believe it's a workable system.
post #58 of 143
I know quite a few people who have had abortions and not regretted it. In fact, who have huge senses of relief. It's likely they wouldn't tell someone who was opposed to abortion their stories though so I do believe people when they say the only people they know who have had abortions regret it.

But only you know what is right for you. I think, personally, the "gut feeling" about big issues is usually the right one. Do you really find yourself wishing you could make this work? If so, consider not terminating? Do you find yourself trying to give yourself or find permission to have an abortion? If so, maybe that's the right choice.
post #59 of 143
I haven't read all of the posts, but one in particular stood out to me...

One poster suggested that your hesitance to carry the babe to term wasn't completely about finances (that's the message I got from reading the post). I think she's on to something. There are many ways to be reeeeeally creative with finances and take advantage of healthcare.

I'm going to say this as gently as I can and hope not to offend you... I think you need to search your heart for the true reason that you're considering abortion. I really feel that if you make this decision because you feel you can't afford it, you will deeply regret it in the future. If, however, there is another reason, maybe too intimate to share with us, you need to come to terms with that.

I realize that this is a crushing dilemma for you. I certainly wouldn't want to have to make this decision. I know what I would do, and the poster above me knows what she would do, but this isn't about us. Search yourself, mama. Search your soul and guidance will come to you. I promise.

Oh, and if you are interested in the many ways to frugally raise a family, PM me! and check out the Frugality and Finances thread here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...play.php?f=312.

Peace, wisdom, patience, love and light to you, dear.
post #60 of 143
I hope the OP returns to let us know what she's decided... I'm really concerned about her
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