Feeling sad and overwhelmed tonight

[One Art]

Stbx called about 15 minutes before he was going to drop dd2 off, to mention that he had noticed recently that I'd moved some of his framed pictures onto the back deck. He was concerned that they would be damaged because it has rained here the past few days. This was truly my fault - they'd been in the way of the back door, and I put them on the deck with the intention of then putting them in the garage, and as it rarely rains here, I wasn't overly concerned about that. They weren't expensive pieces of art or anything, but two of them were pictures he had when I met him and had some kind of sentimental value. So anyway, I apologized for letting them get rained on, but I also said that if he had noticed them out there he could have grabbed them, or said something to me then. So he got huffy with me and told me how much they meant to him, and how long he's had them. All I could think of (though I did not say a word), when he said this, was "I once meant something to you and I was with you a long time too, and water damage to your pictures is what you are concerned with? What about the way you've been treating me for the last three months?" And instead of anger, which seems like it should be the appropriate reaction here, I just feel grief........ which may have something to do with how overwhelmed I'm feeling. The job hunt is not going well, I found a daycare but have no way of paying for it to hold the places for the girls (I don't qualify for aid with daycare until I have a job), and the mountain of paperwork I have to do to apply for various aid is burying me. Not to mention that I can barely find time to work on this proofreading job that I'm supposed to have done in a few weeks.

I feel like burying my head under a pillow for a week.

[mama41]

emily, grief sounds totally appropriate to me.

chocolate pudding sometimes helps.

Do you have a counselor there? I forget. I think it might be a really good idea. Barring that, make use of crisis lines and just talk and talk after the girls are in bed. Your ex is an ass, we all know that, but you're still used to taking him seriously, and that's really what's hurting you here. The day will come when he'll just look pathetic and then kind of embarrassing and sad, and you'll feel whatever he's saying is truly about himself, and has nothing at all to do with you -- that in fact he doesn't know you. And you'll have no trouble ending the conversation.

I'm so sorry. If you can afford it and it won't kill your momentum, take a day off and have a good wallow. Hide under the covers, or take the girls out for a picnic, flower-picking, picture-taking. (Do you have friends with kids there?)

I'll PM you about work, btw.

[PoppyMama]

I think mama41 is dead on. I hope you feel better soon.

[peachymomma]

I totally understand.. At the lawyers thursday STBX was huffy about having to pay my car payment... he said something to the effect of, well I have always been good to you giving what you want and making sure you have everything you need... I was like WTH? If I had everything I wanted and needed then he would be at home suporting me like a good loving husband. I would trade that for a car payment anyday! Men.... Sorry he got upset about pictures. He should have taken them if he really cared about them.

[pranamama]

hugs

[One Art]

Thanks mamas. I do need to just wallow for a day, if I can figure out how to do that! Today isn't going much better. There is a private international school outside of town, and I just attended their graduation. I went to the same school, but one in India, and graduated 7 years ago. I would never trade my dds for anything in the world, but it was hard to keep from crying, remembering what it was like and how bright my future looked, and I just couldn't help wondering how I ended up a single mom to two at 26. The students who graduate from this school are outstanding and end up doing amazing things, world-wide. And I was one of them! I want to cry. Most of my classmates are already getting their phds, or are working for non-profits in remote corners of the world. I am something of a curiosity to graduates and faculty alike: "You graduated from this school and became a mom? Intriguing..." Aaaaa. I just keep reminding myself that dd2 will graduate high school when I am 43. Though at times this sounds like a century.....

[momof4peppers]

Originally Posted by emilyrose

Thanks mamas. I do need to just wallow for a day, if I can figure out how to do that! Today isn't going much better. There is a private international school outside of town, and I just attended their graduation. I went to the same school, but one in India, and graduated 7 years ago. I would never trade my dds for anything in the world, but it was hard to keep from crying, remembering what it was like and how bright my future looked, and I just couldn't help wondering how I ended up a single mom to two at 26. The students who graduate from this school are outstanding and end up doing amazing things, world-wide. And I was one of them! I want to cry. Most of my classmates are already getting their phds, or are working for non-profits in remote corners of the world. I am something of a curiosity to graduates and faculty alike: "You graduated from this school and became a mom? Intriguing..." Aaaaa. I just keep reminding myself that dd2 will graduate high school when I am 43. Though at times this sounds like a century.....

Oh sweetie! You ARE one of them. You ARE doing amazing things. You're just on a different timetable than the rest of them.

I'm glad to hear you're taking some time to wallow. Sending you peace and hugs.

[One Art]

momof4peppers, thank you. Your response made me tear up. I do try to remind myself of this from time to time, but sometimes I have little (or big) identity crises. I think becoming a single mom just adds more confusion to the question of who I am, what my goals were, what they are now, and how I can possibly hope to reconcile them... This school is all about promoting international understanding and helping to resolve global conflict, so sometimes I tell myself that the best way to do this is to raise two conscientious daughters. Anyway, thank you for telling me I am doing amazing things. It's hard to feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile these days, when it comes to the dds. I'm mostly struggling to keep my head above water at this point.

[mama41]

Originally Posted by emilyrose

Thanks mamas. I do need to just wallow for a day, if I can figure out how to do that! Today isn't going much better. There is a private international school outside of town, and I just attended their graduation. I went to the same school, but one in India, and graduated 7 years ago. I would never trade my dds for anything in the world, but it was hard to keep from crying, remembering what it was like and how bright my future looked, and I just couldn't help wondering how I ended up a single mom to two at 26. The students who graduate from this school are outstanding and end up doing amazing things, world-wide. And I was one of them! I want to cry. Most of my classmates are already getting their phds, or are working for non-profits in remote corners of the world. I am something of a curiosity to graduates and faculty alike: "You graduated from this school and became a mom? Intriguing..." Aaaaa. I just keep reminding myself that dd2 will graduate high school when I am 43. Though at times this sounds like a century.....

Dude. Allow me to say that you're totally overreacting. PhDs are dime a dozen, and 27-year-old PhDs are among the world's more annoying and less brilliant creatures. (See MLA conference.) The world isn't going anywhere. None of this reflects on you.

I recall a moment -- I must've been 23 or so -- when I was hanging around in my cheap apartment reading The Best and the Brightest, and suddenly I realized that by my school's terms, I was and would be a failure. It was enormously liberating, in a bittersweet way. (It also turned out to be dead wrong.) That moment was followed up soon after by a conversation at a fancy engagement party at someone's apartment in World Capital, the kind of party where the rented waitstaff circulate with the little cholesterol puffs and glasses of champagne. Several of my college friends were there, all very nicely tailored. They all made good money and were Getting On. At this point in my life I fixed my shoes with duct tape. My friends asked me what I was doing. "Writing," I said. "Oh," they said, "who for?" I hadn't expected that one. "I dunno. Me." Well, this was not an answer, and they looked at me as if I were mildly retarded and went back to the sports talk. There were no lasting consequences.

At 23 I also had a sudden flash of me at 40 and it involved a desperation apartment and generic soup. This hasn't happened either.

You'll be fine. You'll find a way to do something that's worthwhile by your lights. You got yourself into a hole, it'll take a few years to get out, that's all. But you'll be fine. Don't put all your eggs in the "nothing's important but motherhood" basket, either, because you'll never really believe it.