Not a good end to a playdate

[JayGee]

I need some insight on how to handle this.

Yesterday, DD had a friend from preschool over to play in the afternoon. She's 4 and has been asking me if she can have this little girl over to play for months. Toward the end of the time she was here (a little less than 2 hours), they were playing with a large quilt, rolling themselves up in it. Apparently, the friend didn't want to give DD a turn with the quilt, and when I looked over, DD was over her friend, punching her repeatedly in the stomach with a closed fist, this horrible angry look on her face, saying, "You're not my best friend anymore." I pulled DD off and took her to another room (the other girl's Mom was here too and was checking on her DD). I explained that we don't hit each other, but she refused to apologize or even speak to her friend. Her friend is just so sad and worried that my DD won't be her friend anymore, but even this morning, DD is insisting that she's NOT her friend and will NOT play with her. Ugh.....

How should I handle this one?

[amcal]

Wow, I don't know what to say other than to let you know that we dealt with a bully at my 4yo's preschool. She was physically agressive and told me DD constantly that if she didn't do what the girl wanted her to do that she wouldn't be her friend any more.

It was really destructive to my DD. She was often hurt and confused. The "I won't be your best friend anymore" is a huge weapon children of this age use.

If it were me, I would be all over this situation. Just saying "We don't hit" doesn't seem nearly strong enough for a child who was repeatedly punching her friend in the stomach with a closed fist.

I would be talking to DD about how sad her friend is, how unacceptable her behavior is, I would tell her she doesn't have to be friends with anyone she doesn't want to but violence and threatening is completely unacceptable and that she WILL apologize. That other child deserves an apology, she deserves to know that she didn't do anything wrong to cause your DD to hit her and refuse to be her friend. That other child could really be internalizing your child's behavior and it could really be making her feel bad about herself.

I know when things like this happened to my DD from that little girl at school, my DD would feel sad and upset for days, she would internalize it, be tearful, want to know what she did and why this little girl who she loves won't be her friend anymore etc...

I think you have to figure out a way to make it right for the little girl who was hurt.

[mamababamba]

I would agree that you might need to work more with your daughter and the other little girl to make it right. How many play dates have you done at your house? Generally, while on the one hand kids learn new ways to play with their toys with friends over it is so hard for many to share in this way at that age....you might want to meet on neutral territory like a park or other play center.

It is not that your daughter necessarily reacted in a completely uncommon way, just that you will want to help her learn from this and support her friend. We always had trouble ending playdates because ds would be mean to me at that age at the end, refusing to go etc. We had to talk before each one and figure out how a smooth ending would look and then I would be coaching him through how best to finish up when it was close to time to go.

[JayGee]

Thank you for the input. I too am more worried about the friend than DD. I'm horrified to think of my own child as a bully, but that's what she was yesterday . Anyway, we saw her friend this morning at the Farmer's Market and DD ran to her and gave her a huge hug and just stood there holding her hands and telling her how happy she was to see her again. I apologized again to her mother and she was quite understanding. This is the very first playdate DD has ever had. I think the suggestion of going to a park (and in the morning so she's not so tired), is a great one. Thank you again.

[Parthenia]

Such are the emotions of a preschooler. As adults, repeatedly punching someone is an unforgivable act. To a preschooler, it's unforgiveable in the moment, and more often than not, all is forgiven at the next encounter.

That's why we're the adults, and we teach the preschoolers that punching is unacceptable and that it hurts our friends.

I've been the mom on both ends of the situation, and it's hard on both sides. As the parent of the aggressor, it's embarrassing and scary to think about what might happen if our brute in the moment continues down this brutish path. As the parent of the child who is attacked (for lack of a better word), it hurts to see our children hurt. But as you saw at the farmers market, children forgive and forget much easier than adults do, and the child who acts on her negative emotions acts just as easily on her emotions of love and affection.

I'm really uncomfortable with calling a preschooler a bully, though, because children this age act on their emotions, difficult as that may be for us to see. I think a preschoolers act of aggression is a far cry from being deliberately malicious, and ignoring the lesson that hitting is unacceptable, as a bully might do.

[amcal]

Kristina - I'm glad everything is smoothed over with the girls.

Parthenia - a preschooler absolutely can be a bully. I'm not saying Kristina's DD is a bully, one act does not a bully make but, children of that age absolutely can and do bully. My DD was bullied this entire preschool year. She was told she was ugly, her shoes were ugly, her clothes were ugly, her art work was ugly, she's too slow to play, she was lied about, left out etc... by one little girl in her class. It went on all year. It wasn't an isolated incident. This little girl is a bully and she bullied other children in the class as well. It's sad to think of a child that young being a bully but it does happen.

Again, I wasn't trying to say that Kristina's DD was a bully, I was just saying that when a child is attacked without provocation, told they won't be their friend anymore etc.... it can be damaging and needs to be addressed in a serious way and was using the bully in our class and my DD's resulting feelings as an example. I did not mean to imply that the OP's DD was a bully.

[AmyParsley]

Hi Kristina!