Hi everyone. I've read through some past threads in this group and you all seem very supportive. I have a need to share my story with some people who might possibly understand. I feel like I am the only person in the world going through this sometimes... (and maybe I am, it is a strange situation)
I met a guy in college who I completely fell in love with. It was a bit of a rocky on and off relationship for the first couple years but we ended up being together for a total of eight years. We never got married, although I really wanted to, he repeatedly claimed he just didn't believe in the institution of marriage. Anyway, we had a baby boy together, unexpectedly, in 2003. We bought a house together, it was a pretty good time. Then our relationship slowly started to go downhill, communication issues, intimacy issues, all that stuff. We finally broke up in Jan of 2006, ds was just over two. I wanted to try to work it out but he had already met someone else and was not interested in us any longer.
I was completely devastated of course. I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I hadn't looked at another guy in 8 years. The thought of being a parent all by myself was terrifying. I am a planner, and I had all these plans for the future that were just shattered. Especially my plan to have at least two kids spaced about three years apart. I think that was the one that caused me the most grief. I was an only child and didn't want that for my ds.
So my ex is off to live with his new girlfriend and I am angry and bitter and jealous and scared and all of the above. Three months after our split I decide to go to a local speed dating event. I come back excited and hopeful - I sure hadn't felt those emotions for a long time. I met another man there, we went out a week later on a real date... he was so into me that I just kind of "lost it". Lost touch with reality I mean. The next year and a half of my life is difficult to talk about. I immediately fell head-over-heels for him. I've always been an emotional person but this was really intense. I was sure I was completely in love. He was 10 years older than me and I was so into that, mature and stable (opposite of ex#1). He had been a bachelor a long time and wanted kids. It was just too good to be true. He asked me to marry him 11 months after our first meeting at that speed date and I said yes. We got married 5 months later. And less than two months after the wedding I became pregnant (on purpose). Life should be perfect now (yeah right).
This was the biggest, hugest, most ginormous (there is not enough words to describe) MISTAKE I have ever made in my life. I'm sure it is obvious to everyone reading this that my relationship with him was totally a rebound gone way way WAY too far. Yes, hindsight is 20/20. There were signs all along the way that this guy was not right for me, but as I said, I was so out of touch with reality the whole time I completely ignored them. I thought I was so in love but I was really just in "lust". Hard core infatuation. Someone was paying attention to me, offering me the possibility of what had just been taken away so recently before. I couldn't see past that.
Six weeks after I became pregnant, I also became seriously ill (hyperemesis gravidarum), 24/7 "morning" sickness. I had the same thing with ds in my first pregnancy so it wasn't a shock. As soon as the sickness set in, all of my lust/infatuation emotions quickly left my brain and reality returned. That is when the OMG, what have I done thoughts set in. I felt absolutely nothing for this man. We barely even had a friendship to build on. It is a horrible thing to say and I cringe at myself every time I even think it. At first I told myself, it's just the hormones, just the sickness. So I waited and tried to put it out of my mind. We had not even moved in together yet, we both had separate houses.
To try to make a long story shorter, whatever misguided feelings I had for this man have never returned. I went to see a counselor for a while to try to sort things out in my own head and reassure myself that I was not really crazy. I feel like a fool. A complete and total idiot. With the guidance of my counselor I told my husband how I was feeling and that I was not moving in with him and that this wasn't going to work out. It was very hard. I barely know this guy, I didn't know how he was going to react. He was very hurt, he didn't say much, he is not a very talkative person. I felt the confusion and the anger though, understandably.
I am now 8 1/2 months pregnant (due in three weeks). This pregnancy has been difficult for me physically and emotionally. I am having a lot of trouble connecting with this baby. My husband and I have not spoken, besides a few emails, in months. I am glad for that because I don't want to speak to him, I really don't want to have anything to do with him, but there is always an underlying fear because I really don't know what he is thinking or planning on doing. Because of this baby coming I am worried about divorce proceedings. Terrified that he will try to take this newborn baby away from me for visitations (I am very into AP and I don't think I could deal with that). He told me before that he wanted kids so I don't think he would just walk away from this situation although I really wish that he would.
I feel like I am caught in the middle of a nightmare. Some sick joke. Who in the hell gets married then pregnant then breaks up all within 5 months?! I can't talk about it with anyone, no one understands. My co-workers think everything's just fine at home. My two closest friends just feel sorry for me. My parents don't get it at all. "You seemed so happy" is all they can say. I'm sure they think I am crazy. All I can think about is now I have two kids with two different dads and now I have to deal with all that headache. It's all so depressing.
Ex#1 and I are getting along really well right now and that is my one saving grace. I finally let myself realize that I never got over him and I still miss him very much. He is still with his girlfriend, but we can talk to each other and he is a good father to ds and I am grateful for that.
Thanks for listening to me spill my guts. It feels good to talk about it and know there is a single mom community out there who might understand a little of what I am going through. I hope everyone has a good weekend.
Jennifer
I met a guy in college who I completely fell in love with. It was a bit of a rocky on and off relationship for the first couple years but we ended up being together for a total of eight years. We never got married, although I really wanted to, he repeatedly claimed he just didn't believe in the institution of marriage. Anyway, we had a baby boy together, unexpectedly, in 2003. We bought a house together, it was a pretty good time. Then our relationship slowly started to go downhill, communication issues, intimacy issues, all that stuff. We finally broke up in Jan of 2006, ds was just over two. I wanted to try to work it out but he had already met someone else and was not interested in us any longer.
I was completely devastated of course. I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I hadn't looked at another guy in 8 years. The thought of being a parent all by myself was terrifying. I am a planner, and I had all these plans for the future that were just shattered. Especially my plan to have at least two kids spaced about three years apart. I think that was the one that caused me the most grief. I was an only child and didn't want that for my ds.
So my ex is off to live with his new girlfriend and I am angry and bitter and jealous and scared and all of the above. Three months after our split I decide to go to a local speed dating event. I come back excited and hopeful - I sure hadn't felt those emotions for a long time. I met another man there, we went out a week later on a real date... he was so into me that I just kind of "lost it". Lost touch with reality I mean. The next year and a half of my life is difficult to talk about. I immediately fell head-over-heels for him. I've always been an emotional person but this was really intense. I was sure I was completely in love. He was 10 years older than me and I was so into that, mature and stable (opposite of ex#1). He had been a bachelor a long time and wanted kids. It was just too good to be true. He asked me to marry him 11 months after our first meeting at that speed date and I said yes. We got married 5 months later. And less than two months after the wedding I became pregnant (on purpose). Life should be perfect now (yeah right).
This was the biggest, hugest, most ginormous (there is not enough words to describe) MISTAKE I have ever made in my life. I'm sure it is obvious to everyone reading this that my relationship with him was totally a rebound gone way way WAY too far. Yes, hindsight is 20/20. There were signs all along the way that this guy was not right for me, but as I said, I was so out of touch with reality the whole time I completely ignored them. I thought I was so in love but I was really just in "lust". Hard core infatuation. Someone was paying attention to me, offering me the possibility of what had just been taken away so recently before. I couldn't see past that.
Six weeks after I became pregnant, I also became seriously ill (hyperemesis gravidarum), 24/7 "morning" sickness. I had the same thing with ds in my first pregnancy so it wasn't a shock. As soon as the sickness set in, all of my lust/infatuation emotions quickly left my brain and reality returned. That is when the OMG, what have I done thoughts set in. I felt absolutely nothing for this man. We barely even had a friendship to build on. It is a horrible thing to say and I cringe at myself every time I even think it. At first I told myself, it's just the hormones, just the sickness. So I waited and tried to put it out of my mind. We had not even moved in together yet, we both had separate houses.
To try to make a long story shorter, whatever misguided feelings I had for this man have never returned. I went to see a counselor for a while to try to sort things out in my own head and reassure myself that I was not really crazy. I feel like a fool. A complete and total idiot. With the guidance of my counselor I told my husband how I was feeling and that I was not moving in with him and that this wasn't going to work out. It was very hard. I barely know this guy, I didn't know how he was going to react. He was very hurt, he didn't say much, he is not a very talkative person. I felt the confusion and the anger though, understandably.
I am now 8 1/2 months pregnant (due in three weeks). This pregnancy has been difficult for me physically and emotionally. I am having a lot of trouble connecting with this baby. My husband and I have not spoken, besides a few emails, in months. I am glad for that because I don't want to speak to him, I really don't want to have anything to do with him, but there is always an underlying fear because I really don't know what he is thinking or planning on doing. Because of this baby coming I am worried about divorce proceedings. Terrified that he will try to take this newborn baby away from me for visitations (I am very into AP and I don't think I could deal with that). He told me before that he wanted kids so I don't think he would just walk away from this situation although I really wish that he would.
I feel like I am caught in the middle of a nightmare. Some sick joke. Who in the hell gets married then pregnant then breaks up all within 5 months?! I can't talk about it with anyone, no one understands. My co-workers think everything's just fine at home. My two closest friends just feel sorry for me. My parents don't get it at all. "You seemed so happy" is all they can say. I'm sure they think I am crazy. All I can think about is now I have two kids with two different dads and now I have to deal with all that headache. It's all so depressing.
Ex#1 and I are getting along really well right now and that is my one saving grace. I finally let myself realize that I never got over him and I still miss him very much. He is still with his girlfriend, but we can talk to each other and he is a good father to ds and I am grateful for that.
Thanks for listening to me spill my guts. It feels good to talk about it and know there is a single mom community out there who might understand a little of what I am going through. I hope everyone has a good weekend.
Jennifer
I hear you, I am sorry things turned out that way. I am sure you are scared at the prospect of a battle when you have no way of knowing what he is thinking. I can empathize with you. I would talk to a lawyer proactively, you don't want to wait until he does something on his own, be prepared. It will feel more empowering to have an idea how you will react in a number of situations. I will be pulling for you.
