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How do you know when separating is better than staying together?

2K views 41 replies 22 participants last post by  shell024 
#1 ·
DH and I have been married for 7 years. I can't honestly say I have ever really been "in love" with him, though I have been in love before, (ie when I was younger). I really wanted to start a family and he seemed like a very nice guy (at the time) and after a few bad relationships, he seemed like someone I could see spending the rest of my life with.

The sex was ho-hum, but we got a along great and he was a really decent guy so I didn't worry too much about it. I was in my mid-30's, he was hesitant to get married, so I gave him a year to "pee or get off the potty", (peacefully go our separate ways if we didn't want the same things). He proposed by year end.

A few years in to our marriage I wanted to start a family. He had said he wanted kids before we were married, but suddenly said he wasn't so sure. I again told him that we should not stay together if we didn't want the same things and said we needed to decide within the year. He decided he DID want kids and we got pregnant shortly therafter.

Unfortunately he was competely "absent" (emotionally and physically) during my pregnancy, refused to come to appointments, see the U/S, or be part of getting ready for the baby. The crib was put together at the ninth hour begrudgingly by him, and he complained about all the prep I was doing for the baby. I was heartbroken and the seed of resentment was planted.

During the pregnancy and the months following the birth, DH became the most selfish, miserable person I have ever known and really hasn't changed much - just gotten worse - since. We did end up having a second child last year, but again - he was very "absent" during the pregnancy, he wasn't present for the birth, (he acted like it wasn't very important to him).

He is a great father in many ways, he spends lots of time on the floor playing and reading with the kids, and is good with gentle discipline and has agreed to all my "crazy" AP practices
. But he whines and complains about how much work it is to have kids ALL the time, he criticizes me CONSTANTLY, he nags at me about EVERYTHING, and other than to procreate our two children, you could count on one hand how many times we've had sex in the last 4 years. I am TOTALLY not attracted to him as a person, or physically.

We argue all the time about everything. And we have both kind of admitted to each other that we aren't in love, and that we don't even like each other most of the time. We have gone to marriage counselling twice and both want to stay together b/c we think it will be easier on the kids, but I am really wondering if it is. I come from a broken home and really don't want that for my kids. But I also don't want them to grow up in a loveless home full of bickering all the time.

So after my long rant...how do you know when it's better to separate than to stay together? How do you know if the effect of the breakup will be harder on the kids than the effect of them growing up with parents who argue all the time and clearly don't love each other/aren't affectionate?

DH has a nasty side to him that leads me to believe that it would not be an easy separation/divorce. He has a lot more to lose than I do, (financially) and he has already said he'd fight me if I ever tried to leave. I do believe he would do things to try to hurt me or for his financial gain even if it wasn't in the best interests of the kids, so I worry about the impact of the actual separation/divorce process on them too.

I also want them to have a good male role model, but worry about strange men coming in to their lives if I meet someone else. I also worry about my DH having any visitation or time with them as he has already said he would move to another city to live closer to his parents, and I have concerns about his father being peodophilic, (which is one reason I've stayed with him this far - at least I know where they are and keep them from going with him to his parents alone).

AAAhhh!! Sorry for the long post. This is all so overwhelming.
TIA.
 
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#3 ·
First of all, hugs. It sounds rough. I will be honest and say that I am one of the mamas here who believes divorce is too prevalent these days. And I can tell you that I am three months into it (I was not the one who made the decision, though I tried so hard to get stbx to work on things with me), and divorce is hard work. You are still connected to this person, and will be for the rest of your life. With young children you often have to see them very frequently to make visitation work well for your dc. Yes, you live in two different houses, but you are also having to financially support two household together. So basically, what it comes down to is the hard work of divorce worth it? Might not the hard work of staying in it and working at it be less work in the end, and help your family to stay intact? Two counseling sessions isn't all that much, honestly. Stbx and I went to counseling on and off for most of our relationship of six years. My suggestion is this, would you and your dh be willing to try individual counseling? I often found that the root of my issues with stbx were within myself, and it is was more helpful to work on myself anyway. Stbx also found it more helpful to work on himself, by himself, because he often felt "ganged up on" during couples counseling.
I don't want to sound harsh, and I apologize if I'm coming off that way. I am in the thick of it, however, and it is HARD. Also, I do know that while these boards can be so helpful, it is also hard to paint an accurate picture of your situation. It is hard to know from a brief intro what the right thing is for you and your family.
 
#4 ·


I ponder this very question all the time. DH and I aren't in love with each other (we both know that and have said it) and we aren't very compatible nor do we have similar goals or dreams in life. Our priorities and our approach to life are quite different as well. It leads to conflict, and misery.

If I didn't have a child with this man, I would leave and file divorce papers, even though I do believe in trying to make a marriage work (I think this is why the marriage hasn't dissolved already).

It's a tough decision. Very tough. Very emotional. I'm sorry you're facing this.


No advice here...I think you just have to look carefully into your heart and ask if you are willing to put up with this, could it realistically improve through counseling, and how happy would you be on your own.

Right now, I'm personally biding time until my child is older, unless things get a lot worse and DH doesn't seek counseling, etc. Once my child is a little older, all bets are off. I'll probably leave DH if he keeps up this attitude and continues to act this way.

 
#5 ·
I'll tell you what helped me figure it out... Thousands and thousands of dollars of counseling (individual and joint over the course of 10 months) and then, even though we both felt it was the best thing for us to do, it wasn't until we actually separated that we really really knew that it was the right thing.

I can see every day how I am doing better, how STBX is doing better, and how my children are doing better. (We separated the beginning of January.)

Sometimes you don't know until you do it. Which is a huge leap of faith...and also why I invested so much time and money in therapy to help us find our answer.

I hope you can find your answer and find peace,
Christine
 
#6 ·
MB, lucky you, your question has been researched. :p It seems that in general, unless there's actual abuse going on, the kids don't benefit from divorce; they don't care all that much whether or not you're happy, and may not even notice all the arguing and fighting and simmering resentment. Which, developmentally, seems appropriate to me. It was certainly my experience as a kid, and my mom did cross the line into real abuse. A whole lot more went on than I was ever aware of; for years, all I saw was that my mom was often pissy and my dad had a loony schedule which involved leaving for work before anyone else was up.

I'll second what emilyrose has said -- divorce is hard and chronically expensive, it does not put an end to fights, and it opens the door to much more instability in the children's lives. After divorce people move, they remarry, they have kids with other people, and there's no guarantee that your husband's commitment to your kids will remain the same if he's remarried and has kids with someone else. Because the two of you will be maintaining separate households, you'll spend more time working than you do now, and the kids will likely see less of you. If your guy looks for shared custody (although if he whines that much now, it's unlikely he really wants the job), your kids will be like little business travelers with favorite hotels, a few days here, a few days there, with fancy gifts thrown in that don't quite make up for the hassle and disorientation. Also recognize that when you're a single parent, your freedom is sharply curtailed. If you need to travel for business now, or just want a few days away with friends, you can do it. You have 24x7 childcare from someone who loves the kids and is good with them. Your odds of finding something similar after divorce, unless you have willing parents nearby, are close to nil. I haven't been anywhere on my own in...coming up on two years, now. I no longer send in proposals for conferences that aren't local, because there's a limit to how many times you can screw over panel chairs when your childcare falls through and still have people like you.

After divorce, there is no one around to do things like shovel the driveway when you've got the flu. If you've got to meet a deadline, you'll be in the driveway with a shovel and a 104F temp (though how you're going to manage this with a toddler I'm not sure), and then you'll come in, get the kids ready for their day, take them to daycare etc. and keep on truckin'. If you're PMSing like crazy, no one's going to notice that you're scaring the children or take the kids while you go try to deal with yourself.

It may be aggravating, but simpler for the duration, to write off the guy, and make a happy life outside the marriage. Tell him that if he wants to whine about the work of childrearing, he can talk to a therapist, not you, about it, and politely walk away if he starts up. At the very least, I'd say wait until your youngest is 4 or 5, and can be left with the older one for a short span before you do this.

If you want convincing, keep track, for a month, of how much childcare outside normal daycare hours your husband provides, and what that leaves you able to do. Count things as simple as playing with the kids while you're making dinner, if that's how it goes in your household, or giving the kids a bath. Basically any contact with the kids while you're not right there.
 
#7 ·
I am in much the same boat. There is verbal/emotional abuse that he does with me...I have tried to hold it together for the kids (3 1/2, 1 1/2) sakes but I am thinking what is the point? They see the (especially the older one) yelling/fighting/me crying and I dont think it is good. I remember seeing my mom and dad fighting when I was 2 or 3 and I have never forgotten. The thing is I dont see it getting any better in the long run especially since my husband will not admit that we both need counseling and it is both of us who need to change. My problem is I am pregnant (6 months) and I dont have any family to help me at all. This isnt life I wanted for my daughters to have to be put in daycare including the baby while I work
I grew up in a broken home without my father and I know how it can be......I am just thinking it is worse for them to be exposed to the abuse than to be in a low income/welfare/single mother home. I just dont see anything changing in the long run and I worry about the effect on the kids.
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by veronicalynne View Post
I am in much the same boat. There is verbal/emotional abuse that he does with me...I have tried to hold it together for the kids (3 1/2, 1 1/2) sakes but I am thinking what is the point? They see the (especially the older one) yelling/fighting/me crying and I dont think it is good. I remember seeing my mom and dad fighting when I was 2 or 3 and I have never forgotten. The thing is I dont see it getting any better in the long run especially since my husband will not admit that we both need counseling and it is both of us who need to change. My problem is I am pregnant (6 months) and I dont have any family to help me at all. This isnt life I wanted for my daughters to have to be put in daycare including the baby while I work
I grew up in a broken home without my father and I know how it can be......I am just thinking it is worse for them to be exposed to the abuse than to be in a low income/welfare/single mother home. I just dont see anything changing in the long run and I worry about the effect on the kids.
Verbal/Emotional abuse is very different, ESPECIALLY when the one dishing out the abuse doesn't want to go to counseling. I was verbally/emotionally abused in my relationship. We tried counseling for ages, and then stbx just didn't want to go anymore. At times the counseling seemed to help, but what it ultimately came down to, I think, was that he didn't want to stop. (Though I don't think he'd put it this way). However, if both partners are willing to give it a good try, redefine marriage and what it *should* mean, and go to counseling, individually initially (so each person can come to understand what the issues are from their own perspectives and how much these issues might be resolved individually).
I think the reason I didn't end the relationship, even though stbx was the one engaging in verbal/emotional abuse, was that I saw, or thought I saw (still not clear on this one), the potential for hard work, on his part, to change the pattern. I didn't get to the place, before he made the decision to leave, to realize that he just wasn't interested, regardless of whether he was capable or not. If one person isn't willing to change their destructive behavior, then yes, I believe protecting your children is the best way to go.
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by emilyrose View Post
I think the reason I didn't end the relationship, even though stbx was the one engaging in verbal/emotional abuse, was that I saw, or thought I saw (still not clear on this one), the potential for hard work, on his part, to change the pattern. I didn't get to the place, before he made the decision to leave, to realize that he just wasn't interested, regardless of whether he was capable or not. If one person isn't willing to change their destructive behavior, then yes, I believe protecting your children is the best way to go.
I think that you are so right about this.


I know you and I have talked before. I think sometimes it's hard to give up on the idea of marriage being everything it could be, especially when you have children. It's hard to give up the idea of having a father in the home for your children.

I do not love my husband anymore for the person he is. I do not like that person. But I am still grieving and fighting for concepts...a good husband, a good father. Those are hard concepts to lose, and leave.

I'm a person who believes in marriage, who believes in redemption, believes in forgiveness.

So, yeah, until you get to the point where you know 100% full force that the person isn't going to change...it feels premature to leave.
 
#11 ·
I really appreciate everyone's responses.

Springflower, I am very concerned about your note. In my experience (I was in a relationship years ago that was very physically abusive and have studied abuse as a "phenomenon" extensively). In most cases, abuse becomes worse, it does not generally get better on it's own or go away, and what you are describing sounds like you are potentially getting very close to "life threatening" physical abuse. ANY abuse at all is horrible, but I am very concerned that your situation could turn much worse fast or without notice. I am very concerned about your safety and your children's, as well as what your children are learning - that it's ok to pinch/hit/shove/hurt mom.

My ex used to do the same things you describe - braking in the car, pinching, shoving, basically everything you wrote was identical to our situation - what set him off, his excuses, my excuses, etc. It did escalate to the point where he took me behind an industrial complex and said he was going to kill me and put me in a dumpster. He had brought duct tape, rope, a garbage bag, etc. It had become dangerous fast (from what you describe to what I would consider "life threatening" quite out of the blue).

Anyway, not to hijack my own post, but your post just wrung too familiar to me and I am worried for you. Please please - I know it's none of my business - but please protect yourself and your sweet babies - and find a way to leave that man.
Or make him get some serious help for his anger issues.
 
#13 ·
I'm in the same boat and it is a question I ask myself every single day - is it better for the kids if we divorce or is it better to stay together?

Right now, I am in the camp of it is better to stay together. We don't fight in front of the kids anymore because I'm not taking the bait anymore. So they don't hear us fighting. But the sad thing is, they don't hear us talking either.

My H is a SAHD and he has always wanted his down time after I got home from work so the kids are pretty used to daddy taking care of them during the day and mommy taking care of them at night and on weekends. I feel like we pretty much lead a close to single lifestyle right now with the exception that we are in the same house (but not in the same bed).

We are in marriage counseling with our second therapist. We are going on over a year of counseling. This time isn't any better than the first. And I go to individual counseling which helps a bunch and I have a very good friend at work that I lean on. Both of these outlets enable me to stop stressing about my relationship so the kids rarely see a stressed out mommy.

And the one time we did talk about divorce, my H said he would leave but he was taking the kids with him. He told me he would fight for custody. Hence another reason why i stay.

Good luck - I know how much it sucks! You can PM me if you want!
 
#14 ·
I think you're better off separating if you find yourself living in a way that you wouldn't want your kids to emulate. Sure, you may not be fighting or throwing pots and pans, but kids pick up on how emotionally close their parents are, or if their parents don't seem to really like each other and are just together out of obligation, and they absolutely take in those things as lessons on how relationships should be.

My ex was not violent, or an addict, or a psychopath - but he was/is extremely selfish, put his own needs and wants before everyone else (often in subtle ways), and repeatedly did things he knew were traumatizing to me (and did them at times when he knew they would do the most damage). He was a good earner, and handy around the house, he loves dd very much, and he has a knack for making everyone else think he's wonderful and has his shit together. However, when I stepped back and said "When dd grows up, do I want her to think that this kind of relationship should make her happy? Or do I want her to be strong enough to be able to stand up for her own needs and not be stuck being a martyr?"
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants View Post
I think you're better off separating if you find yourself living in a way that you wouldn't want your kids to emulate. Sure, you may not be fighting or throwing pots and pans, but kids pick up on how emotionally close their parents are, or if their parents don't seem to really like each other and are just together out of obligation, and they absolutely take in those things as lessons on how relationships should be.

My ex was not violent, or an addict, or a psychopath - but he was/is extremely selfish, put his own needs and wants before everyone else (often in subtle ways), and repeatedly did things he knew were traumatizing to me (and did them at times when he knew they would do the most damage). He was a good earner, and handy around the house, he loves dd very much, and he has a knack for making everyone else think he's wonderful and has his shit together. However, when I stepped back and said "When dd grows up, do I want her to think that this kind of relationship should make her happy? Or do I want her to be strong enough to be able to stand up for her own needs and not be stuck being a martyr?"
:

I've read the study mentioned in a pp but I couldn't help but wonder about the same things as whateverdidiwants. I fell into a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship probably because of my family dynamics as a child. My parents are still together and dad wasn't abusive but I know I didn't have a healthy idea of what a marriage should look like. I decided to leave my marriage and it has been a wonderful thing for DS and I obviously because we are away from the abuse now. But even being raised in a non-abusive yet dysfunctional family can cause problems as evidenced by my choice for a husband (and my sister's as well although he's not abusive). Divorce is hard on adult kids too so even if you stay in the marriage and divorce later on, it will be upsetting for them. They'll feel disillusioned and perhaps like they've been lied to or must choose sides. Without therapy, they'll probably end up in loveless or abusive relationships like your marriage now. I've seen it take years for adult kids (after much squabbling and division over the issue) to come to terms with their parent's divorce. I don't think the emotional impact of a divorce is lessened any if the parents wait. To me it really seems like the hurt/damage can't be avoided either way and no matter what your choice ends up being, you and the kids will need therapy at some point. Its a very personal decision and all you can do is to try to make the best of it either way.
 
#16 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants View Post
I think you're better off separating if you find yourself living in a way that you wouldn't want your kids to emulate. Sure, you may not be fighting or throwing pots and pans, but kids pick up on how emotionally close their parents are, or if their parents don't seem to really like each other and are just together out of obligation, and they absolutely take in those things as lessons on how relationships should be.

My ex was not violent, or an addict, or a psychopath - but he was/is extremely selfish, put his own needs and wants before everyone else (often in subtle ways), and repeatedly did things he knew were traumatizing to me (and did them at times when he knew they would do the most damage). He was a good earner, and handy around the house, he loves dd very much, and he has a knack for making everyone else think he's wonderful and has his shit together. However, when I stepped back and said "When dd grows up, do I want her to think that this kind of relationship should make her happy? Or do I want her to be strong enough to be able to stand up for her own needs and not be stuck being a martyr?"

I do agree with this.

But the alternative is also a way I wouldn't want my children to live.

So, it's a really tough one.
 
#17 ·
I struggled with this question for months (well OK, years is more accurate). I finally got to a point where I didn't think that I could stay sane and stay in the relationship with all that was going on. I also knew that staying in the relationship was sucking out so much emotional and mental energy from me and that didn't leave enough left for me to be the kind of mother I wanted to be to my children. After a big blow-up argument followed up by an e-mail full of lies and accusations I finally went over the tipping point. Intellectually I know I've done the right thing by filing for divorce, but I still have a ways to go to work through the emotions of it.
 
#18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan View Post
I also knew that staying in the relationship was sucking out so much emotional and mental energy from me and that didn't leave enough left for me to be the kind of mother I wanted to be to my children.


I know what you mean. I have to put a lot of energy into mothering, and there's not much left. And H sucks so much emotional and mental energy from me. I feel energized when he leaves for work and crabby and stressed about an hour or two before I know he'll be coming home.
 
#19 ·
I *so* agree with Mama41!

This has so been my experience.

The loss to my children is HUGE!!!

I can't tell anyone else what choice to make--I can only say I would have (and was willing to) put up with a lot rather than have my children experience what they are now experiencing ...

Financial crisis (Dad is approaching bankruptcy; we cannot afford any of the quality of life things their peers take for granted).
Loss of time (Mom is back to work and has SO much less time with the children and the time I do have is filled with chores and stress and running hither and yon ...)
Sucky daycare (cupcakes for "breakfast;" TV on; health and hygiene issues)
Shuttling between homes (not getting to have as many playdates or be there for fun stuff because you are at the other parents).
Horrible diet (Dad doesn't cook; feeds them junk; sugary drinks etc.; even Mom's meal quality has suffered cause she is so crunched for time with working)

I cannot begin to describe the chorosion of their lives -- how painful and profound it is. As I drove to work this morning I watched a classmate of my daughter's skip to school along side her mother, chatting away. How my girls and I desperately miss that special time; now it is a race to the nasty daycare. Today I had to drive them to school because daycare was closed; my older dd was SO excited to get driven to school by mom; this poor dear child who used to get walked to and from school every day -- with such joy! It was my favorite time of the day.

I grieve SO SO SO much for the loss to my children and myself.

Sorry, I am just SO sad and overwhelmed (my job isn't permanent and now I have to go find another one on top of it all) -- I guess you should know what it can be like ... just another perspective albeit a very emotionally wraught one.

M

But, that is MY story, not anyone else's.
 
#20 ·
I take the selfish stance on this...
YES I agree that divorce is difficult. It sucks so much to be the only one around to shovel the 6 feet of snow off of my front door so I can get out in the mornings to rush the wee one to school, get my tired ass to work so I can do it all again the next day...alone.

BUT
without love what the hell is marriage for?

AND
love is out there if you want it. You just have to want it bad enough. It could even be right there in front of you, just hiding a bit.

SO
do what makes you happy in your heart of hearts.

only you know that answer.
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by meandmine View Post
I *so* agree with Mama41!

This has so been my experience.

The loss to my children is HUGE!!!

I can't tell anyone else what choice to make--I can only say I would have (and was willing to) put up with a lot rather than have my children experience what they are now experiencing ...

Financial crisis (Dad is approaching bankruptcy; we cannot afford any of the quality of life things their peers take for granted).
Loss of time (Mom is back to work and has SO much less time with the children and the time I do have is filled with chores and stress and running hither and yon ...)
Sucky daycare (cupcakes for "breakfast;" TV on; health and hygiene issues)
Shuttling between homes (not getting to have as many playdates or be there for fun stuff because you are at the other parents).
Horrible diet (Dad doesn't cook; feeds them junk; sugary drinks etc.; even Mom's meal quality has suffered cause she is so crunched for time with working)

I cannot begin to describe the chorosion of their lives -- how painful and profound it is. As I drove to work this morning I watched a classmate of my daughter's skip to school along side her mother, chatting away. How my girls and I desperately miss that special time; now it is a race to the nasty daycare. Today I had to drive them to school because daycare was closed; my older dd was SO excited to get driven to school by mom; this poor dear child who used to get walked to and from school every day -- with such joy! It was my favorite time of the day.

I grieve SO SO SO much for the loss to my children and myself.

Sorry, I am just SO sad and overwhelmed (my job isn't permanent and now I have to go find another one on top of it all) -- I guess you should know what it can be like ... just another perspective albeit a very emotionally wraught one.

M

But, that is MY story, not anyone else's.


Big hugs to you.

I know what you are saying. I really am at the end of my patience with my husband. I don't like his behavior 99% of the time. I don't like his judgement or values 99% of the time. He drains my spirit just with his presense.

I'd have left him a long time ago if we didn't have a baby.

But, the above scenario you describe plays heavily in my mind. Perhaps when I get a good job again, or when my little one is school aged, the scenario would be a bit different.

Bad marriages are painful and can be dreadful and bad examples for children. It's a sad fact.

But divorce and separation is expensive, and can tear everything else apart. It's a difficult path either way, I think.
 
#22 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by northcountrymamma View Post
I take the selfish stance on this...
YES I agree that divorce is difficult. It sucks so much to be the only one around to shovel the 6 feet of snow off of my front door so I can get out in the mornings to rush the wee one to school, get my tired ass to work so I can do it all again the next day...alone.

BUT
without love what the hell is marriage for?

AND
love is out there if you want it. You just have to want it bad enough. It could even be right there in front of you, just hiding a bit.

SO
do what makes you happy in your heart of hearts.

only you know that answer.


Yeah, for me as a woman, I would like a loving marriage. I don't have one currently, and this particular marriage most likely will never be loving. Too much disrespectful talk and action has occured for that.

But marriage represents much more than love, to me anyway, in the practical world. Marriage represents stability for my child. I have to balance that with my own needs.

If I were single I would have left him a long time ago. I can't be so hasty now that I have a child. Sucks, but it's true.
 
#23 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Spring Flower View Post


Yeah, for me as a woman, I would like a loving marriage. I don't have one currently, and this particular marriage most likely will never be loving. Too much disrespectful talk and action has occured for that.

But marriage represents much more than love, to me anyway, in the practical world. Marriage represents stability for my child. I have to balance that with my own needs.

If I were single I would have left him a long time ago. I can't be so hasty now that I have a child. Sucks, but it's true.
I hear you. But I would say too that because you *DO* have a child it is even more reason to leave a marriage that is devoid of love. That's why I did it. And it is hard, yes, but it is happier and I am modelling for her what a loving home is like. All who enter our home do so in love. There is never tension. Never yelling. Never argueing (well unless my sister and I get into it over the last scoop of ben and jerry's
). And since leaving, I learned (and this is my own experience) that her father doesn't actually give a shit about me OR her. So I left because I couldn't live in a home that made me a miserable person and thus showed my dd that misery is NOT normal.
Now...after two years I am happy to say the choice was a wise one for all of us. It's just my story, but perhaps others can relate.
 
#24 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants View Post
I think you're better off separating if you find yourself living in a way that you wouldn't want your kids to emulate. Sure, you may not be fighting or throwing pots and pans, but kids pick up on how emotionally close their parents are, or if their parents don't seem to really like each other and are just together out of obligation, and they absolutely take in those things as lessons on how relationships should be.
This I'm not sure about. I think it depends on what other models exist. I sure didn't go for my parents' model -- for one thing, my mother was a SAHM without education or career, and she wasn't at all interested in my dad's work. I doubt she'd have wanted an egalitarian marriage. (She and my grandmothers also believed in smacking kids who were misbehaving, and I just can't see doing that kind of thing, whether or not it's done in anger.) For the last several years, i think they were together out of stasis, convenience and obligation (for my dad), and dependence (for my mom), although as a child I didn't notice any of that -- actually my mother made a big show of starting a career, and from my POV it was impossible to see that it was destined to be a bust because -- at bottom -- she really liked being a housewife, and didn't want to go out and work. My model of relationships came from college, from dorm life, where the friendship and shared interests absolutely come first. Which may be one reason why I get along so well with most of my exes.

Both my parents claimed to like each other, though as far as I could make out they had nothing in common. Until the real screaming and yelling started, and that was pretty late in the game, I just shrugged and figured it was one more weird grownup mode of behavior. It's not as if I saw great romances going on at my friends' houses. All the parents seemed to be perenially annoyed, and the mothers were annoyed at everyone, kids, men, pets, each other -- equal opportunity. If my parents had openly disliked each other, or talked nastily about each other, I'm sure that would've had some effect. But I don't recall their doing that.

I also had both sets of grandparents as models, and they had very different, but long-lasting marriages. No divorces there. Both couples were teams, though the man/woman relationships were different, and they were totally different in how they spoke to each other and the level of physical affection that they showed. I didn't pay much attention, as a kid, but in retrospect it's clear that for both couples, they were each other's worlds. It's also clear that this was limiting for them. My maternal grandmother, a painter, chafed terrifically under the restrictions.

Anyway. I think it's probably a good idea to recall that children, though they may be sensitive enough now again to notice that you're sad, may not notice that anything's wrong if there isn't something overtly scaring them and there's no overt nastiness or cruelty. They're sort of preoccupied with growing up.
 
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I am so sorry, meandmine. It can get better.

That said, even though my setup's pretty sweet and I do spend a lot of time with dd, it sure ain't what it was. And we'll see how things go with xh when he starts back to school next year. So far he's been on disability vacation, with either nothing expected of him or part-time low-wage work that doesn't come home. Starting in August, he has deadlines and expectations to meet for the first time in years, and will have to do things like find childcare so he can take care of his obligations. I have my expectations set to "low" and am hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

I think one of the hardest things is making that switch from "man's world" to "child's world". I am protector and provider here, and there's a certain degree of hardass that goes with that. That energy and force isn't always appropriate for young children, though, and there's not always a "soft grownup" here for dd. I can see that it's hard for her sometimes.
 
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