DH and I have been married for 7 years. I can't honestly say I have ever really been "in love" with him, though I have been in love before, (ie when I was younger). I really wanted to start a family and he seemed like a very nice guy (at the time) and after a few bad relationships, he seemed like someone I could see spending the rest of my life with.
The sex was ho-hum, but we got a along great and he was a really decent guy so I didn't worry too much about it. I was in my mid-30's, he was hesitant to get married, so I gave him a year to "pee or get off the potty", (peacefully go our separate ways if we didn't want the same things). He proposed by year end.
A few years in to our marriage I wanted to start a family. He had said he wanted kids before we were married, but suddenly said he wasn't so sure. I again told him that we should not stay together if we didn't want the same things and said we needed to decide within the year. He decided he DID want kids and we got pregnant shortly therafter.
Unfortunately he was competely "absent" (emotionally and physically) during my pregnancy, refused to come to appointments, see the U/S, or be part of getting ready for the baby. The crib was put together at the ninth hour begrudgingly by him, and he complained about all the prep I was doing for the baby. I was heartbroken and the seed of resentment was planted.
During the pregnancy and the months following the birth, DH became the most selfish, miserable person I have ever known and really hasn't changed much - just gotten worse - since. We did end up having a second child last year, but again - he was very "absent" during the pregnancy, he wasn't present for the birth, (he acted like it wasn't very important to him).
He is a great father in many ways, he spends lots of time on the floor playing and reading with the kids, and is good with gentle discipline and has agreed to all my "crazy" AP practices
. But he whines and complains about how much work it is to have kids ALL the time, he criticizes me CONSTANTLY, he nags at me about EVERYTHING, and other than to procreate our two children, you could count on one hand how many times we've had sex in the last 4 years. I am TOTALLY not attracted to him as a person, or physically.
We argue all the time about everything. And we have both kind of admitted to each other that we aren't in love, and that we don't even like each other most of the time. We have gone to marriage counselling twice and both want to stay together b/c we think it will be easier on the kids, but I am really wondering if it is. I come from a broken home and really don't want that for my kids. But I also don't want them to grow up in a loveless home full of bickering all the time.
So after my long rant...how do you know when it's better to separate than to stay together? How do you know if the effect of the breakup will be harder on the kids than the effect of them growing up with parents who argue all the time and clearly don't love each other/aren't affectionate?
DH has a nasty side to him that leads me to believe that it would not be an easy separation/divorce. He has a lot more to lose than I do, (financially) and he has already said he'd fight me if I ever tried to leave. I do believe he would do things to try to hurt me or for his financial gain even if it wasn't in the best interests of the kids, so I worry about the impact of the actual separation/divorce process on them too.
I also want them to have a good male role model, but worry about strange men coming in to their lives if I meet someone else. I also worry about my DH having any visitation or time with them as he has already said he would move to another city to live closer to his parents, and I have concerns about his father being peodophilic, (which is one reason I've stayed with him this far - at least I know where they are and keep them from going with him to his parents alone).
AAAhhh!! Sorry for the long post. This is all so overwhelming.
TIA.
The sex was ho-hum, but we got a along great and he was a really decent guy so I didn't worry too much about it. I was in my mid-30's, he was hesitant to get married, so I gave him a year to "pee or get off the potty", (peacefully go our separate ways if we didn't want the same things). He proposed by year end.
A few years in to our marriage I wanted to start a family. He had said he wanted kids before we were married, but suddenly said he wasn't so sure. I again told him that we should not stay together if we didn't want the same things and said we needed to decide within the year. He decided he DID want kids and we got pregnant shortly therafter.
Unfortunately he was competely "absent" (emotionally and physically) during my pregnancy, refused to come to appointments, see the U/S, or be part of getting ready for the baby. The crib was put together at the ninth hour begrudgingly by him, and he complained about all the prep I was doing for the baby. I was heartbroken and the seed of resentment was planted.
During the pregnancy and the months following the birth, DH became the most selfish, miserable person I have ever known and really hasn't changed much - just gotten worse - since. We did end up having a second child last year, but again - he was very "absent" during the pregnancy, he wasn't present for the birth, (he acted like it wasn't very important to him).
He is a great father in many ways, he spends lots of time on the floor playing and reading with the kids, and is good with gentle discipline and has agreed to all my "crazy" AP practices
We argue all the time about everything. And we have both kind of admitted to each other that we aren't in love, and that we don't even like each other most of the time. We have gone to marriage counselling twice and both want to stay together b/c we think it will be easier on the kids, but I am really wondering if it is. I come from a broken home and really don't want that for my kids. But I also don't want them to grow up in a loveless home full of bickering all the time.
So after my long rant...how do you know when it's better to separate than to stay together? How do you know if the effect of the breakup will be harder on the kids than the effect of them growing up with parents who argue all the time and clearly don't love each other/aren't affectionate?
DH has a nasty side to him that leads me to believe that it would not be an easy separation/divorce. He has a lot more to lose than I do, (financially) and he has already said he'd fight me if I ever tried to leave. I do believe he would do things to try to hurt me or for his financial gain even if it wasn't in the best interests of the kids, so I worry about the impact of the actual separation/divorce process on them too.
I also want them to have a good male role model, but worry about strange men coming in to their lives if I meet someone else. I also worry about my DH having any visitation or time with them as he has already said he would move to another city to live closer to his parents, and I have concerns about his father being peodophilic, (which is one reason I've stayed with him this far - at least I know where they are and keep them from going with him to his parents alone).
AAAhhh!! Sorry for the long post. This is all so overwhelming.
TIA.