Sole custody

[althara]

Anyone with full physical and legal custody of their kids have any advice on what needs to be done?

I know I need to talk to a lawyer and all that. But I just need someone to help me understand how this might work. Anything that might come up later to bite me in the butt?

STBXH doesn't want custody or visitation rights at all. He says he's just going to disappear and send money to make sure Kaylee is taken care of. I'm not sure I will be able to find him or contact him in the future. Is there anything I need to take care of now while he can still sign paperwork? Should I get DD a passport? DD is 15 months old and I plan on traveling with her as soon as money allows (which will probably be several years away).

[PoppyMama]

I would go ahead and get the passport now just to avoid extra work in the future. Make sure you have a good medical history on him and his family... Keep a picture of them together in case she wants it in the future... Make sure you write down his social, drivers lic., birthplace/date, etc. You'll probably write up the papers with a mediator (since there is no disagreement) and he'll get ordered a child support amount. I see no reason why he shouldn't be able to give you sole legal and physical. Maybe have him write a statement in there that he would have no problem with a future partner adopting your child.

[willowsmama]

I'd have a lawyer draw up papers right now before he *poofs*

[Fishie Kisses]

if you have legal and physical custody you don't need his permission to get a passport, but if you're more comfortable getting it done now, then go for it.

Def have a lawyer draw up papers

[LoveOhm]

In California I don't think he can just give up custody w/o a valid reason... can you do that? As long as he realizes this will not change tthe CS amount then I don't see why not go for ole custody.

[PoppyMama]

I think that's what she's talking about. He has agreed to give her sole custody with no rights and seems to understand that he will still have to pay. He is not terminating his parental rights just his rights for visition and decision making. That's why I said it would be a good idea to get something in writing from him stating that he would be ok with the child being adopted by someone else eventually.

[Iris' Mom]

I have sole legal and physical custody with no visitation. I filed for divorce, and just didn't offer my ex anything. He just didn't file any request for custody/visitation, and didn't bother to show up for the hearing, so the judge just entered it (I'm in MA). I can't imagine if he agrees to it there would be an issue. I think the issue is with termination of parental rights -- that's much more difficult from what I understand. The think with custody agreements is that they can be modified, even if he agrees to it now.

[mama41]

Well, go ahead with the legal, but --

1. If it means no c/s in OR, think again;
2. Frankly, it sounds to me like he's just feeling massively sorry for himself and will come back around to be a pain in your ass. Don't be too surprised if he changes his mind.

[althara]

Right now he doesn't want anything to do with her ever. He said he is still going to "give Kaylee as much money as I can manage so she is well taken care of."

But he wont even look at her anymore. So he's moved downstairs and is using the back door to come in and out. (We're moving out of our rental by the 15th and can't afford for him to go stay elsewhere and everything that is here "belongs to me." So I have to spend all my spare time packing.)

I will get his consent to have someone else adopt in writing, because right now that's what he wants. And though I don't really see it happening it is a possibility in the future.

I totally understand that he is in a very bad place right now and not making rational decisions. And I do suspect that his attitude will change regarding this in the future. But I think it will take him a few years to come around. He's gone so far as to say that he wants me to destroy all evidence of him so Kaylee doesn't know about him. But I wont do that because it's not fair to her. Not to mention his parents, sister and Kaylee's cousin still have a right to be a part of her life.

[JustVanessa]

I have full custody of ds. I drew up an agreement and ex signed it (with a witness) and filed it in the court. It was free to do that....the kit to do it came with a chld support calculator. It is completely legal and I am now using to it enfoce his child support payments.

[One Art]

Just out of curiosity, might you be able to get full custody but not do the consent to adopt deal? Because, as you recognize, he is in a bad place right now. He may not be later on, and he, you, your child, or any combination, might regret that decision down the road.... or maybe you can get the signature, and put it away, and only use it if he truly disappears for years? Just a thought, because it might be awful if he did come around and was locked out of his child's life.

[althara]

Originally Posted by emilyrose

Just out of curiosity, might you be able to get full custody but not do the consent to adopt deal? Because, as you recognize, he is in a bad place right now. He may not be later on, and he, you, your child, or any combination, might regret that decision down the road.... or maybe you can get the signature, and put it away, and only use it if he truly disappears for years? Just a thought, because it might be awful if he did come around and was locked out of his child's life.

He's already changed his mind and wants joint custody. This is just going to be a crazy ride for a while I'm sure.

[SewEsperanza]

Linda,

All I can say is get an attorney and have everything in writing.

I know what my ex said to me during divorce is a lot different than
what is my life now.

Do whatever it takes to get an attorney and take care of these
matters NOW.

[Bad Mama Jama]

I would get a lawyer and have your child support set up if it isn't already. I would also get the passport signed off on now. It is possible to get it later without the other party, but why go through the extra steps if you don't have to. Only thing is a child's is only good for 5 years, so if you are not planing to travel during the next five, then just wait cause you'll be spending the money for nothing.

Because when you get full legal and physical custody, you just submit a copy of that court order with the passport application and you are in the clear.

[sunkissedmumma67]

I live in Cali. and yes anyone can just give up custody of their kids, to the other parent. You need to get the custody papers, fill them out with father. Basically, whatever you both agree on you will get, as long as father signs. If you get full physical and legal, he will have no rights, except whatever you both decide on visitation.You can decide between a set visitation,with or without overnights, or you can have a visitation just say as agreed upon by both parties, or no visitation, or supervised visitation. The only way the father can ever change it is to take you back to court.

[muldey]

I have sole custody of my dc.Exh agreed to it at the time,but now every chance he gets he throws it in my face that I took his kids away from him.I did give him unlimited visitation,as long as he was sober(this was written into the divorce agreement).My lawyer wrote everything up,the judge agreed to it no problem.Exh never hired a lawyer.I'm happy with my decision,no matter what exh says.He can barely hold himself together(after over a year,he's still homeless,and all his stuff is sitting on my porch.He's also still drinking.:At least he has a job now.) never mind 2 kids,especially ds with autism,which he doesn't understand.He does see them daily,takes them outside to play,helps get them ready for school,takes them off the bus.

You'll have to do whatever you feel is right for your dd.If you don't feel he is capable of caring for her,IMO sole custody would be the way to go.You can give him unlimited visitation if you'd like.Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

[tangent]

If you can get full legal and physical custody now, get it. I had an opportunity to do that and tried doing it on my own and because I goofed one line on the document, it isn't legally binding. Had I gotten that line right, it would be legally binding. Hence, a visit to a good family lawyer will be worth whatever you have to pay.

Even if he's just feeling sorry for himself and changes his mind years from now, having both custodies now will make it so much easier for you to handle your child's life. You can still arrange for him to have unlimited visitation and whatnot if *you* want, once you have custody. It doesn't rule him out of her life, it just gives you control. I'd go for it.

[peachymomma]

Take the best offer you can get ASAP. Never wait during a messy divorce. I am learning the hard way.

[Still_Snarky]

Originally Posted by SewEsperanza

Linda,

All I can say is get an attorney and have everything in writing.

I know what my ex said to me during divorce is a lot different than
what is my life now.

Do whatever it takes to get an attorney and take care of these
matters NOW.

:

Originally Posted by peachymomma

Take the best offer you can get ASAP. Never wait during a messy divorce. I am learning the hard way.

:

[MaWhit]

I have sole legal and physical custody, which basically just means that XH has no say when it comes to decision-making. He still has rights to visitation (rarely exercised) and still is obligated to pay child support (again, rarely exercised).