Need some thoughts on DD

[MommytoTwo]

(I dont know if I should put this here or in GD? Please move if necessary.)

DD (middle child) is 3.5 She will be 4 in September. She is very sweet and thoughtful and creative, and up till now, relatively easy going.
The last few weeks, she has had a few situations where I just dont know what to do. DS1 was/is a challenge in ways I didnt know possible, but it was just different.

Her thing now is, if she doesnt want to do something, she has a complete *FIT*. I mean screaming her head off. I am at a complete loss when she does this. I naturally remove her from the situation, but then she sulks for a while, then comes around and is sweet as pie. Its almost like she needs to be readjusted. I guess this is typical behavior, but for a 3.5 yr old???? And what do I do??? Today's delightful example is that we went to have DS2's picture taken, since he just turned one. Then we were going to have a pic of all 3 kids. She was totally happy and fine, got there, and she had a TOTAL screaming fit. We left. In the car, DH and I decided that it was not ok for her to run the day, and ruin the day, with that behavior and we went back and she was as sweet as can be, had her pictures done, and had a great time. She definitely needs boundaries - our going back and doing the pictures anyway is exactly what she needed. Punishments and rewards and time outs mean and do nothing with her.

I just dont know. Is that normal for her age? I thought tantrums stopped before this. In fact, she hasnt had nearly as many as my older son. But he was younger when he did it. It is so incredibly embarrasing for your child to be "that kid" ...

[LynnS6]

Sometimes kids do get overwhelmed and they don't have very good skills at saying "I can't handle this".

Our dd just turned 4. She still tantrums about 2-3 times a week. Our standard 'protocol' is to offer a hug, repeat back to her what she's saying about why she's angry, offer a hug, and move on. If she goes on for an excessive amount of time, I do ask her to quit screaming or to go to another room. As a former tantrumer, I hate to tell you this, but it might be 5 or older before they're "gone". (Ds is 7, and rarely tantrumed as a child, but still has outbursts now and then.)

In public places, I think going out until she has control over herself, offering a hug when she's done and going back in is very reasonable.

Make sure too that she's had enough rest, enough to eat and she's comfortable. I can almost guarantee a meltdown when dd has to go to the bathroom when we're out. She gets grumpy before she even recognizes that she has to pee. Then once she's gone, she's fine.

[Dena]

I have a dd who does things like this too - also 3.5. She is highly spirited, and one of the needs of most, if not all, spirited children is knowing what to expect in any given situation. I sing dd a bedtime song that tells her about the next day, and when she gets up in the morning I outline our day. Then if there is a change of plans I tell her far in advance, if possible. No surprises is key. I remember once I went to pick her up from preschool with the stroller rather than the car and she had a fit. Not because she doesn't like a stroller ride on a nice day, but because it didn't conform to her mental image of what was going to happen.

With your dd, taking the picutres as an example, she may have formed an image in her mind of what was going to happen when you got to the studio, and the fact that the reality did not conform to her image may have set her off. Kids at that age are just a lot less able to contain emotions like surprise or disappointment, and less able to verbalize them as well.

Also, like the pp mentioned, making sure all the physical needs are met - sleep, food, etc., is a big part of dd having a successful day.

If you don't have a copy, you might look at "Raising your Spirited Child" It helped us a ton.

[MommytoTwo]

Funny- I have that book for my son. Looks like I will be rereading!

You know, I think she may be having some sleep issues that may be contributing. She has been wandering at night a lot. She will get up to go potty, then come visit us, get in bed with us for a while, then back to her room. So she is tired a lot.

Thanks, it is good to have some feedback from other parents with kids like this!

[MacKinnon]

My 4 yo DD is very much like this. We have discovered that consistency and advance warning for transitions help ALOT. We also have to be firm-er than we tend to want to be. She will begin to run the whole scene and then dissolve when she doesn't get her way. And sleep is the key to the whole thing. Should DD not get a good nights sleep, she is a wreck the next day. We've moved her bed time up to about 7:30, and she sleeps a solid 12 hours most nights. I keep reminding myself that knowing what you want and being able to express it is a good thing , right?

[vegemamato]

my 3.5 year old is the same way.. every now and then I have no idea what to do with/to/for/by her, if you get what I'm saying.. she is so gentle and sweet and kind and cuddly but every now and then- once or twice per day- she is...nuts.

we love her though, and we try to help her through her woes, even her seven year old sister helps to calm the drama.

anyway, I think it's normal.

gotta make dinner now :

maybe you could go for a walk? enjoy nature, with or without your child(ren)..

(mamas of three-year-olds unite!)

[harrietsmama]

Sounds like a psychological growth spurt. My kids go through periods like that still, they just get a little bit mellower as they get older. Ok, my dd is mellower, my son still can scream until its splitting your ears.