Push to terminate bio-dad's rights?

[tanyam926]

Just a little disclaimer: I don't know how it works legally as I am not in that stage yet.

I wanted some unbiased input as I am really torn about my situation. I was hoping that some of you might have already gone through this, maybe have passed this stage on both sides of the yay or nay and might have older children.

So here it is:

I was married for 7 yrs, found out one day that ex was having an affair, planning on leaving me, 3 yr. old ds and 8 mo. old ds, and doing other things that I did not know about (some of them illegal). Of course I had felt that *something isn't right* feeling and it was definately confirmed. I called my mom the same day, packed our stuff and took my kids and moved in w/my parents.

Ex paid child support (a lot as he had a really good job and I was staying home w/kiddos per our agreement all along) for about 7 mo. I sensed he was going to flake out on me so I got a job when youngest was about 16 months. Moved out w/my kiddos and was barely making it, (have B.A., working for the state).

At this point ex got fired from job and stopped paying child support. Ever since we split up he rarely calls or sees kids, does not seem to care about them.

I got remarried about 9 mo. ago, am pg w/ baby # 3. Kids are doing great. They love stepdad soooo much, consider him their daddy. Everything is going well.

My problem is that when ex pops into their lives for a couple of wks, they (mainly older ds, now 5 1/2) adjust really poorly. My ds1 cries, whines, is very difficult, emotional. Then he is okay, then ex dissapears again. Same adjustment problems occur.

I have explained to ex (nicely and not so nicely) that he can't do this to ds1, that it's cruel, either be in his life or be out. Ex says he knows, his life is so messed up, he can't do what he needs to do (takes no responsiblity).

So I am about to go after him for child support but I wonder if it would be better to ask ex to sign over rights to the kids. I am worried that if something should happen to me, he could get them, and I sick of him messing w/my kids' emotions.

So, keeping in mind that although I am frustrated I want to do what is best for kiddos. No matter what that is.

Ex might be willing to sign over rights to avoid paying child support (sad I know), do I push this? I am so torn.

I don't want my kids to idolize him because they don't know him, or to blame me for him not being in their lives.

WWYD?

By the way, ex does drugs off and on, has a new g-friend he lives w/every few months, and I never let my kids go anywhere w/him. He needs some serious help w/what I have mentioned and other things.

Thanks for the advice. I am just looking to cover all angles here before I jump off of a cliff KWIM?

[annarbor931]

Were we married to the same man?

I am in the same situation, minus the in and out activity of XH. He has not seen my DS in 3 years and DS is just 4. So, I am trying to change my son's name but it is basically the same process as terminating parental rights. My XH has not worked in over 2 years, and despite a 100K buyout, he does not pay child support at all. My XH also has a serious personality disorder and I do feel that he is incapable of being a parent. So, I am weighing the same choices too. I am not sure I was very helpful, but I do understand.

[mama41]

tanyam, as long as he's periodically showing interest, I think you may have trouble doing that. I'd check with a lawyer about what's involved, and understand that filing papers will likely lead to a frenzy of xh's showing up lots in a wildly erratic way and possibly pushing for regular visitation. Unless he's actually harmed the kids, it's unlikely the visitation would be supervised. So ask yourself if you really want to stir this hornet's nest. States are normally very reluctant to terminate parental rights, btw, unless the father has never been involved and shows no interest. In your ds's case, it sounds to me as though he's still attached, and I'm not even sure it'd be wise to do it. You may want to find a good child psychologist and take him regularly enough to create a bond, there, so that when his dad pops in and out the psych can help him through it. And can also make recommendations to you.

[tanyam926]

Thanks guys. I wasn't planning on filing papers w/the court, just trying to get my ex to sign over his rights, which I think you can do if both parents agree.

Anyway, I just want to know if that is the best thing for my son. This is really hard.

I definately don't want him to fight me for unsupervised visits. In our divorce agreement I stipulated that he would only have supervised visits and he signed it bc he doesn't care. I know he could probably change that if he wanted to go to court, but he just doesn't seem to care at all about them.

[Fishie Kisses]

OMG...we seriously could be talking about the same person!! I had to keep looking to make sure it wasnt STBXs 1st wife posting! lol

I know in OK you can terminate after 12 mo no CS OR 12 mo no visitation....your state likely has a similar law. And if he's willing, then it'll be no problem. The only issue in any state is that there must be someone available and willing to adopt, which for you is not an issue. Your current DH will need to go through a process to adopt if that is your intention.

[tanyam926]

That is weird that in order to terminate parental rights, some other man must be willing to adopt them.

I will check into it.

The main issue is that I don't want to mess up my kid any more than his bio dad already has.

About a year ago when my dh and I first started getting serious I took my ds1 to see a counselor and after seeing him for play therapy a few times she basically told me that he is adjusting really well and that I am doing everything right. That was a relief.

That is funny (and sad) Fishie Kisses that we have had the same experience. I really don't understand how someone can just completely not care about thier own children.

I really never thought ex would cheat on me or plan to leave us. I found out by accident that he was getting large amounts of money together and when I confronted him about it, I found out that he was planning to leave us, just dissapear. Great guy huh?

[bigeyes]

I wonder if the laws have changed? In 1998 I had rights terminated in Texas and I was a single mom.

Here it is 2008 and we're just now starting adoptions. I didn't even know my current dh in 1998. I'd check things out with an attorney and see what your options are in your state.

[PoppyMama]

States want two parents that are legally responsible for children (welfare issues) so if your xh is willing to terminate in order to avoid CS and your dh is willing to adopt you can probably get it all done.

[4imprints]

My sister had her first son's biodads rights terminated. He agreed. She was remarried but her husband never did adopt him. However, she did change his last name. She is now divorced again and 1st biodad is popping back in. Stepdad turned out to be a horrible decision but first was a major drug addict. So not much better either way. My sister did it because she didn't want the popping in and and out every couple of months or years. Plus - he was such a drug addict that she couldn't stomach him getting visitation.

However - it was mutual and pretty easy and he has only attempted to contact son on one occasion who proceeded to yell out that he hated him and to never call back.

But he now - 11 years later - he is clean and sober and remarried with a baby on the way. Husband number too didn't even ask for visitation for son number one because he isn't "his" and doesn't pay child support for him.

Just a story - doesn't really help.