Newbie, would like to discuss finding joy while grieving

[Momtwice]

Hi there.

I'm a newly single mom.

I wanted to ask you to share your experiences of finding joy while grieving....of finding you are experiencing these two things at the same time.

I am not in this place, but I seem to meet (IRL or on line) a lot of moms lately who are 5-6-7 or more months out from their physical separation and are dating someone new and are feeling this roller coaster of emotions.

I can sort of relate because I have those ups and downs of joy in my new life (not with a partner, other kinds of joys) while still grieving the past.

Please discuss. Thanks. :

[One Art]

Hi. You are still in a hard place. It is ok to grieve, and it is ok if you don't feel joy all the time. I'm three months into it and some days I feel just grief. Some days I feel both. Some days I'm actually able to "forget" about my grief for awhile. It definitely gets easier with time. I find joy primarily in my dds. I am a writer, but I have not yet been able to write anything that hasn't been pure spewage, so that has not yet offered me the joy it used to, but it does offer relief from time to time, and I know that as more time passes it will offer me the joy (and frustration!) it used to. My dds offer me a lot though, when I can make myself be present and aware of them. They are silly and playful, and dd2 especially has the most outrageous sense of humor even though she's only 18 months old. So, when I pay attention, they make me laugh a lot. Getting outside helps too, finding joy in the spring, and the warm weather, and being with my girls. It is hard though, especially in the beginning, to really notice and be present. The grief can be consuming, and I think that is normal. Hugs. Every day brings you more and more distance, and more distance brings you greater clarity and healing.

[meandmine]

We can hope for all good things along the way, but maybe not immediately and maybe only after a long time: joy, happiness, contentment, fulfillment, whatever it may be ... we can hope for it.

M

[Ahimsa]

I find myself going through this. I broke things off with ex in Feb., and I am experiencing lots of ups and downs. I have days of anger and sadness. He recently told me he has a new girlfriend. I thought I was prepared for this, but it really hit me hard. Then I have other days where I feel so grateful for what I have, for my son and the baby growing wthin me. I am trying to accept my feeling and allow them surface as they come. I think the more I allow myself to process this relationship and complete it the more I will be able to move on with my life. I think pushing issues or emotions aside will only make them resurface in one way or another.

[kdmama33]

I am only a few months into this, myself. Divorced in February after a very quick separation. There are days when I run the gamut of emotions. Sometimes one right on top of the other.

I find joy in discovering who I am now. It's a painful process, but it's also really fulfilling. Finding myself after years of being "wife" and "mother" and subsuming who I am under those identities is amazing. Rediscovering what does give me joy is such a rewarding process.

I am finding joy in taking care of myself, too. In really doing the things that I should have been doing for years, the small things that pamper me. Valuing myself.

As a PP mentioned, I find joy in my children. In watching them become. In being involved in their growth. Especially in how much more they're really able to do that without the withering daily presence of their father. They are blooming.

I find joy in my friends. Those relationships are also growing, in part because of my divorce. I've had to learn how to be more emotionally and physically open to help, and it's given my friends an opportunity to be more deeply involved in my life, and I in theirs in turn. There is such joy there, for me. My community is greatly valued!

All of these joyous things are a part of my life at the same time that I am still trying to understand exactly what happened to bring me to this place. At the same time that I grieve for what I've lost, for what we (my ex and I) should have had and should have been. As I try to examine the pieces of that old life and bring closure to it.

It's difficult. It hurts. I am sad. I am lonely. I am mournful.

Mostly, I just try to be completely present. Regardless of what I am feeling, what is going on in my life, I want to be present, so that I can really, really get through those feelings and heal. Also so that I can fully appreciate the beauty of the good feelings, so that I can carry them with me, and be a joyous person, not just feel occasional joy. I am grateful for those feelings of joy ... and, oddly enough, for the feelings of sorrow, as well. They give me perspective, and show me where I need to grow.

[shell024]

kdmama, I could have written your post word for word except that x and I were never actually married.

I am also rediscovering who I really am. And while I am rediscovering, I am mourning the loss of the me who I was before all this, and also mourning the loss of the me I became after I became involved with x. (did that make any sense???) But then feeling the joy of who I am now becoming, and who I will become in the future. I am actually excited about the future!

Then there are the days when I am not excited about the future, but I just feel it, and allow myself to feel it, and then try to let it go and move on.

Feel good music and crazy dancing with my kids, gardening, putting on makeup and getting dressed all nicely, journaling, relaxing and doing yoga or meditating or praying, all these things give me joy. I am finding joy in cooking and meal planning again! (I stopped cooking for a long time when I was depressed)

I am playing outside more. That helps a lot. Talking on the phone with friends, or coming online to reach out when I'm lonely.

[hkitty]

Originally Posted by shell024

And while I am rediscovering, I am mourning the loss of the me who I was before all this, and also mourning the loss of the me I became after I became involved with x. (did that make any sense???)

Makes total sense! I'm having those feelings come up right now as well. Stbx and I were going over pictures two nights ago and he said he feels like I was a completely different person then - in a picture of when we were first dating. And I was and a lot of that was due to him changing me - outright emo. abusive stuff and also more subtle pressures. Yes, we're different people now and I don't always like this person either - how I became in reaction to him. I want myself back.

[Momtwice]

I totally agree that I am mourning for what was....even though it's the past, I know it's the past, I know it is gone now, I know the past was good but got gradually worse and worse and I deserve to be treated better....

but I still mourn for the good old days, for who I used to be, for the family we used to be, for my kids' grief at losing their family unit.....etc

[Sweeney]

Yeah it's hard.
For me luckily, the universe keeps having things happen that scream-
"You did good to end that! That man is messed up! You were smart and know what you want- imagine if you'd stayed and tried to keep living with that?"

It's been awhile for me. Two years from the great awakening, and almost one year from living totally on my own. I still have dark moments but it's mostly grieving that poor idealistic girl that was me. I wish I could hug her.

The kids are doing well and our new life has become normal. I'm getting to the point where I want to start dating but it's been so long I'm nervous. Argh!

I read the following in a mystery novel (of all things) several weeks ago. Maybe it will help?

" Sometimes something happens to you, and there's no way to be the person you were before. You won't ever be that person again; that person's gone. There's a little freedom in every loss, no matter how unwelcome and unhappy that freedom may be. You have to think of it like reincarnation. One life ends.
Another begins (Wit's End)."

[shell024]

Originally Posted by Sweeney

I wish I could hug her.

me too. I wish I could tell her that when she thought no one was listening to her cries for help, that *I* (the future me) was listening the whole time.

[peachymomma]

Wow this discussion is so inspiring. I have been having a hard time dealing with the roller coaster ride too! Some days are awesome and I am loving being a single mom and other days I am crying wondering HTH I am gonna get up off the floor and quit crying. My first anniversary without him and he told me about his new girlfriend that is so wonderful. she stayed with him on our anniversary weekend....what a bummer.

[shell024]

Ouch peachymommy, I'm sorry you experienced that.

[MsChatsAlot]

It is important to feel your grief when you need to feel it. Masking it will only delay it, not eliminate it.

But on the days when you feel a little better, I'd suggest really focusing on the moment. I love getting lost in some fun activity/game/adventure with my kids and doing that was an easy way for me to focus on them and the moment instead of whatever else was happening in our lives.

I love being with my kids. I love doing what we want to do. I love eating the way we want to eat and only having foods I like and choose in the house. I love that I could paint a room in my house purple. I love that we just flow through our days, can be more spontaneous and do whatever inspires us, without having to think of someone else coming home or wanting to meet up with us or whatever.

There was a lot of freedom and independence I found when we split and I have been loving it for years now.

You'll get there.

[SimpleJoys]

What I found joy in was the simple things. Like washing the pots and pans and being up to my elbows in suds. I know it sounds silly but it was comforting to know that some things don't change. I tried hard to be in the moment more, taking deep breaths and experiencing all the sensations of life around me. I had better sleep because I was no longer afraid of some of the things that had been going on in my marriage.

My grieving was associated with my own sense of ownership of the problem. I felt badly that I had not divorced 20 years earlier as my ex's problems have taken their toll on my children. I am working on letting go of this.

[tangent]

I have to admit, in the first few months out of the relationship, I found my joy in boxes of Godiva chocolates. After the first 6 months, I found joy in living in the house the way I wanted, without someone yelling at me all the time.

[Momtwice]

Originally Posted by tangent

I have to admit, in the first few months out of the relationship, I found my joy in boxes of Godiva chocolates. After the first 6 months, I found joy in living in the house the way I wanted, without someone yelling at me all the time.

Yes, as a dear friend warned me, the can't-eat phase of grief wore off and the sugar cravings are back!

Thanks for the many thoughtful responses!

I reached way back in my memory banks to see if I'd ever experienced this before....not since my teens, this combination of grief/joy. I've been with this man so long that last relationships I had to grieve over were decades ago.

I do have occasional flashes of enjoying the freedom and peace this has brought me. Some things have become chaos while others have become more melllow (no more dealing with his inconsiderate behavior when trying to sleep, being loud, that kind of thing. Peace.)

[Dr.Worm]

Yes, I have these moments too...my dd will be done with second grade next week and the time is flying by so I start thinking...wow...this is so not how I pictured my life being...I thought by now she would have a little brother or sister and then I get sad and angry. But then I think to myself that I did everything I could to save this marriage...I loved my ex and I really wanted us to stay together as a family but he wasn't willing to do anything to get us there...no therapy, no AA, no anything...and it wasn't like I wasn't trying..I have been speaking to a therapist because, even though he was the emotionally abusive one I wanted to work on myself and build my confidence back and be the best mom I can be. He doesn't, over 3 years, think he has a problem and i am done...if you are not willing to change for your child then who needs you? But even though my mind knows he shouldn't come back, my heart still hurts when I wish for what could have been...especially when dd does..but then I remember we never had a happy family life... I always wanted it but we never had it even when he lived with us.

[rubelin]

I'm about a year and a half into my break-up and almost a year has passed since Ex moved out. The grief has come in stages for me. For the first few months it was mourning the past and freaking out about the present and then there was a period starting to forget the bad stuff and just really miss ex and forgetting that it wasn't my choice to end the marriage. I realized that part has been tied up in mourning the future we had together, the plans we'd made about the life we were going to live. That part has been hard and I've had to remind myself of the bad stuff to snap myself out of it. And now I'm working on just letting go of my anger towards him and finding some peace in the end of the marriage. That's the hardest because staying angry with him let me not miss the good stuff about him.

I have found much joy this year, though. I have a wonderful relationship with my sweetie, who I never would have met if Ex hadn't dumped me I have so much joy in seeing how well my boys are doing, especially in the face of so much chaos in their lives. I have joy in discovering things about myself I never would have seen otherwise and trying things that I never would have even thought of in my old life.

I have a great friend that I call my divorce coach 'cause she went through it 6 years ago. I recently called her up to ask how long it took her to get over her ex-husband and she said it takes about half as long as the relationship was. And she said on the other side of it that she really doesn't even think of him as her ex anymore, he's just her daughter's father. I'm looking forward to finding that peace.

[peachymomma]

Originally Posted by rubelin

And she said on the other side of it that she really doesn't even think of him as her ex anymore, he's just her daughter's father. I'm looking forward to finding that peace.

Oh I can't wait. I need that. Just the babys daddy

[shell024]

This thread has been helpful to me

For me, the hardest part by far is seeing my 2.5yo in pain. Just the other night we were watching finding Nemo and I noticed him crying during the part when Nemo gets taken by the diver and his dad is frantically swimming after him. Then the next night with tears in his eyes and a shakey voice, he asks "Where'd daddy go?" It just breaks my heart into a million pieces. One part of me feels guilty, because I asked him to leave. Another part feels angry and sad that his dad doesn't make more of an effort to come see them more. Another part is just grief in seeing the separation between them. My son loves his daddy so much and just loves playing with him and doesn't understand why he isn't here. I cry everytime I really sit and think about it. In my head I'm saying over and over to my son "I'm so sorry".

And at the same time, the most joy I find is in the healing between my two boys and I, especially Ds1, as he has experienced my postpartum depression twice. I too have been trying to be very present and ENJOY life with my children. I have to remind myself everyday that in order to find joy, even while grieving, I must love first. Love myself, my children, my plants, my dishes, everything, everyone. Even X. I have found a lot of healing in allowing myself to love him without feeling OBLIGATED romantically to that love. (Does that make sense?)