Surviving the holidays this year

[Honey693]

I'm starting to wonder how I'll survive the holidays this. My parents and my in-laws are 5.5 hours way from us and we always go back for the holidays since DH has 4 days for Thanksgiving and two weeks for Christmas. Smudge is due November 1, but I have a feeling I'll be at least a week beyond that, if not more. My mom is coming out in the middle of November and DH is taking a week off work. We are not going back for Thanksgiving this year and I have made that very clear to everyone.

The only think I'm worried about is Christmas. DH wants to stay with our parents for the full two weeks. Keep in mind Smudge will be a month old, give or take a few weeks at this point. I know the extra help will be nice, but I'm worried about traveling that long, CDing, trying to figure out how to breastfeed (my dad and in laws do not need to see my boobs), and the general holiday stress. I already told our families that I doubt we'll be doing presents this year unless I either get it in gear early or we online shop (and this kills me b/c I love shopping for my family) and the response was "So long as we see you and the baby that's enough of a gift" which of course made my hormonal butt cry.

I love my in-laws and they're wonderful people, but they are uber mainstream parenting choices. They're definitely the type to say put him down and let him cry or why don't you two go out and leave the baby with me. I know DH will stand up for me and we probably won't stay there tons, but I know it's going to get frustrating and old really quickly. His whole family is doctor knows best, formula feed, cookies at 6 months etc. DH's older brother started on rice cereal at 3 weeks, I kid you not. My family is slightly more whatever makes you happy. My mom coslept a lot of the time, BF for 3 months, CDer with me and, while she's a nurse, she doesn't always think doctor knows best. I just don't know how I'll get through December without having a meltdown.

[noeonend]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all these issues. We have told our family that we won't be traveling at all this year(I am due the 15th), and that if they want to see us, they come to us. When K was born, we had horrible nursing issues that did not iron themselves out until about 3 months. I am just not up to trying to travel should we have issues.

Is this your first? Does your dh understand the earthshattering changes that occur in the first couple months of parenthood? There is no way to describe how greatly everything changes, especially in those early days with growth spurts and all. I would have a heart to heart with him and just explain that although you want to see family, it is not the wisest decision to make this year.

[Honey693]

This is our first and I have no idea what DH thinks. I'm pretty sure the man is trying to help since he's said well we'll have family to help out. I don't think he realizes that as much as I want to see everyone, two weeks is too darn long. I'm going to try to convince him that we only need to go for a few days or that we need to wait and see what kind of baby Smudge is and how BFing goes. I feel bad though b/c he doesn't get to see his massive family all together that often and I know he looks forward to it so much.

[Booflies]

Ooh yeah... this will be an issue for lots of people. Thankfully, being Canadian, I ONLY have Christmas to be concerned about. DH's family is in another province and we have to fly to visit them. SInce we're flying on in summer, we won't be "expected" to visit at Christmas. The question is... will his folks want to come out this way? Every time I think about it, it makes me feel stressed. I don't want them to visit until January. Or, if before then, they have to stay in a hotel. Right now we're in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. We hope to be in a bigger rental... but I still won't want to have company at that point (esp. considering the inlaws aren't my favorite ppl in the world). I hope we all find workable solutions!

[andi-mama]

Also Canadian, so we only have to worry about Christmas. We have four different houses we're "expected" at over two days (my mom's, my dad's, the in-laws and DH's grandmother's)... luckily they are all in the same town! We haven't dicussed it yet, but I think we will be staying home. It was stressful enough trying to visit everyone last year when DS was a year and a half- it will be even crazier with a 2.5 year old AND a newborn. If people want to see us, they can come to us.

OP, if I were in your situation I would call off the trip. It is just too crazy trying to adjust to a newborn, nevermind having to defend your parenting chioces. Really, it is only one year- they should understand. If they don't, it's not worth trying to explain it to them!

[Honey693]

Our families can't come out our way, it'd be too much for them with gas at $4 and we have no room. DH's mom, dad, sister, BIL, other sister, brother, SIL and 2 kids would have 6+ hours of driving, while my mom, dad, brother, gramma, and great aunt would have 4.5. I think I"m just going to have to tell DH suck it up if the baby isn't the most mellow kid ever (which I doubt, but I can hope!) or we'll only go for Christmas Eve, Christmas, and the day after. I think 3 days I could handle.

[RebeccaWo]

I hear you... DP and I are already stressing about Christmas this year. We both live about 2,000 miles from our families, with about 300 miles between our hometowns. DP has 3 separate Christmas family events (complicated divorced parents situation); I just have one Christmas-Eve event. We both have very close family members who are not well health-wise, and this is probably the main factor we're even putting ourselves through this ordeal. If not, I'd just say, "Come visit us if you want to see baby."

I'm just trying to keep a positive attitude and flexible agenda. I know there will be family members who we upset but I guess it's time to just get used to that! What's funny is DP and I have been together for 5 years and have not once spent an actual Christmas or Christmas Eve together. I'm just happy we'll be together with our new little family -- no matter the drama.

[Honey693]

Yeah my gramma and great aunt are 80+, the great aunt has health problems, and gramma can't sit for 5 hours. I really want them to see Smudge, but I don't want to go nuts. I'm thinking a few days is going to have to be the compromise. The only trouble with that is, my family does Christmas on Christmas and DH's does it the weekend after. They just might have to deal and switch this year and do Christmas Eve or something. I can't believe I'm worrying about this already, but I am such a worry wart!

[KindRedSpirit]

Oh,I've been trying not to think about this!Last year I was announcing I was pregnant, and actually was m/c on our Christmas Eve fam visit,all thru Christmas day visits,and in the ER losing baby on the day after Christmas!I think, with a grand total of 5 kids this year,we will be taking the holidays for ourselves!I'm not sure what the emotional impact may be to have a newborn and a heavy sad anniversary at the same time.Not to mention the scary weather and driving!We are only 1-2 hours drive from everyone and they may come and visit us.Either way, with 5 kids,we'll have plenty going on.I will miss my annual visit at my Grandpa's though.My last living grandparent.If there is no weather issue,I may venture out in the late afternoon on Christmas to see himAnd let him see the babyThat would be doable, and very sacred to me.

What would be crazy, is if the baby is born on Thanksgiving!Then we'll have a T-day birthday and a Halloween birthday!(and if we count last year, a Christmas one too!!!)CRAZY!

[slinginhipmama]

Originally Posted by Crystal_R

I love my in-laws and they're wonderful people, but they are uber mainstream parenting choices. They're definitely the type to say put him down and let him cry or why don't you two go out and leave the baby with me. I know DH will stand up for me and we probably won't stay there tons, but I know it's going to get frustrating and old really quickly. His whole family is doctor knows best, formula feed, cookies at 6 months etc. DH's older brother started on rice cereal at 3 weeks, I kid you not. I just don't know how I'll get through December without having a meltdown.

Sounds just like my in-laws, however, I don't love them: You know whats best for you and baby. Just go with that. And be prepared, bring some info if it would help you feel more impowered---AP stuff, breastfeeding stats, and co-sleeping info. Share with them or have DH let them know ahead of time that your mind is already made up, that you will be co-sleeping, breastfeedingetc and to please respect that. Its a hard conversation to have but one that is worth it!! I totally know where you are coming from!!!

[MKury]

We are totally in a similar position. This baby is due November 14th, and normally we go to the inlaws T-giving and my parents Christmas, and then the next year, we switch. However, the inlaws live 9 hours away, and there is NO WAY I am traveling that far with a month old baby. So, they are planning a trip down in February or March- a 2-3 month old baby is much more interactive than a 3week old, anyway.

In your situation, I would definitely shorten your trip to a manageable amount of time and 3-4 days is ideal. I think it is so wonderful that you are going to even try- I wouldn't have!! Let your dh deal with his parents in regard to issues about bfing, cding, etc and make sure he knows that you don't want to be harassed about the decisions that you made *together*!!

Best wishes and I hope that all goes really well!

[Katielady]

If it were me I think I'd just tell everyone that we prefer to wait and see how we feel when the time comes. It's impossible to know how you'll all adjust to having a baby at home, and it's unfair to ask you to make a commitment about the holidays this far in advance given that you'll have a brand new baby. Sometimes telling people "we'll see" is the best shutter-upper....if you say yes you'll feel boxed in, and if you say no they might hound you for the next 6 months.

That said, if you do end up going there are lots of tricks to being around less-than-supportive family when you have a newborn. I remember going to my inlaws for the 4th of July when DS was 6 weeks old...they kept trying to tell us to leave him in the car seat (ie the bucket) so we could sit down and eat- finally DH yelled at his dad, "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!" I was so pleased and proud of him. It can be a growing and strengthening experience for you as a family. Also, I was shy about nursing in front of them (was hard to do without exposing a lot of boob at that point) so I would take DS upstairs when I wanted to nurse, which was often. It was really nice to have an excuse to get away from everyone and get some peaceful time alone with my baby. So that's something you can do too. It'll be OK no matter what!

[OkiMom]

I have an excuse not to visit for T-Day/Christmas, it takes 8-12 weeks to get a passport for a new baby.. No way Ill have it by then (Im due between 7th-11th not sure exact date). Even if I could Japanese airlines will not allow a baby under 10 weeks to fly so can't fly...

For Thanksgiving our church always has a huge Thanksgiving dinner and I won't mind going there. I know there will be a lot of people to help so all I would have to do is sit with the baby and eat.. Also, no one would blink if I breastfed because it is very open over there. As for Christmas I am a little worried. Last year I threw a HUGE party, had over 30 people with games, a ton of food and lots of laughs.. Well, Im already getting people asking me if we are doing it again and no one knows Im pregnant so I try to find away around the answer.. Ill probably pass the party to a friend and just do some baking/cooking for it.. I know she won't mind throwing the party for me.

[AugustineM]

I think katielady has a great idea of waiting to see how you feel at the time, and deciding then. You can just let people know that you're not sure how you'll feel, how the baby will be, and if you'll feel up to travelling.

I can say that the first time my ILs came to visit us, for only 3-4 days, my DS (first baby) was only 4 weeks old and it was the HARDEST visit of my LIFE. It was AWFUL. My ILs are very very very old school and my MIL is very pushy. She made all sorts of comments about how I nursed him too much, and how he was never going to soothe himself. She would actually pick him up and take him away to another room while he was screaming, purposefully trying to soothe him herself (while I was having let-down and wanting to nurse) and overall it was just awful. I was dying for them to leave. I know that's a horror story, but it's good to keep in mind that two weeks when you're learning your new baby is a LONG LONG LONG time!!! So I would definitely shorten the visit or put the decision off for a long time. You can always say that people can come see you (but stay in a hotel!) or something, too. GL!!! I know we'll have a quiet holiday, but I'm glad.

[nznavo]

I went home for Christmas with a 5 week old baby, and that trip involved a 10 hour flight. Honestly, I loved it. I loved having everyone so excited about the baby and so in love with him (we don't have any family near where we live). I loved having people around who just wanted to hold him. It was a very relaxing time for me. That said, I was not concerned about comments about my parenting. My family and in-laws are generally laid back, and I have no problem with telling someone that I am happy with my way of doing things. Also, breastfeeding is totally normal where I'm from.

If I were you I'd see how you feel and decide last minute.

I will also go back this Christmas with a Nov baby, assuming I can get its passport in time. OkiMom, 10 weeks is the earliest a baby can fly? Wow! I think most airlines are 7 days.

[littlehalo]

I am also very stressed about this Christmas. I am due 11/12 so we will probably not be doing Thanksgiving this year with anyone so I'm not going to worry about that. But Christmas is a different story. My MIL lives for Christmas all year long and it is a huge event for my ILs. We usually drive 3.5 hours to their house or 6 hours to my DH's aunt's house. I really don't want to do either but my DH's aunt is having health issues so I would hate to miss this Christmas with her and I really love her. I don't know what we are going to do. Fortunately I think my DH will back me up in whatever I think is best at the time but I really don't see traveling that far with a newborn and a 3 year old to be a good idea.

Aside from the travelling, I am equally stressed about the shopping. My ILs go way overboard with gifts and are very extravagent. They do expect a lot in return but we don't have the money that they do. I try to buy nice things on sale but that requires a lot of effort and comparison shopping. I don't know how I will do that this year. Usually I do 90% of the shopping for Christmas so if it can't be bought online I will have to depend on DH and that makes me nervous.

I really love Christmas, the reason for it, and all the traditions surrounding it. But the more complicated it becomes, the more I feel it is just too stressful. :

[GreenFlower]

DH is much more stressed about the holidays than I am. DC#1 was such an easy-going, go-with-the-flow type of child that I guess maybe I'm spoiled by that?

I'm due 11/11, and we're planning to stay here for thanksgiving because my in-laws are here, and depending on when I have the baby, s/he will be less than a month old, so it will make it much easier. For Christmas we are flying to Florida. I feel like it will be o.k. My family is already used to my super crunchy ways, unlike DHs family, so that will be no problem.

I'm concerned about thanksgiving more just because in-laws are quite mainstream and MIL will surely have several comments to make about bottlefeeding, holding the baby "too much", etc.

oh well. bleh

[two bricks shy]

We're staying here for Thanksgiving (EDD by ovulation 11/12). We plan on ordering a BBQ'd turkey from a local place and putting together some simple sides. If baby shows on our pick up date, we'll have a friend go get our bird. YUM!

However we were forced to do Christmas last year and entertain my in laws for a week. I've put my foot down. Thanksgiving and Christmas are OURS this year. We have too much going on with a new baby in the family to entertain. They can come visit but I prefer they not spend the night in our home so soon after the birth. They always say they'll help, but our experience with DD was their "help" was holding the baby while I worked like a dog to entertain them.

Besides...all I really want to do is watch DD open her presents and all of us enjoy the newest member of our family.

To the OP, I would recommend not travelling as much as possible. There are so many adjustments to make with a newborn. Perhaps you could go visit the senior members of your family when baby is a little older?

[buckysprplmonkey]

Two years ago, when DD#2 was about 6 mo old, we told everyone in both my family and DH's that we didn't feel it was fair to our kids to drag them all over the place on Christmas day so they could see everyone. Especially my family expected to see us on Christmas and assumed that meant we'd travel to see them. So we told them anyone who wanted to see us and the girls was welcome to drop by, but we weren't budging from our house. It worked out really well. I enjoy cooking for everyone and the kids get to stay in one place with their new gifts and not get dragged to all corners of the earth (well, all the corners of PA, anyway). Thanksgiving, we've traditionally split up between our three families (my parents are divorced and remarried, DH's are together). This year, we'll be at my mom's, which is only about 40 minutes from here. I'm totally ok with driving there with the new baby and just spending the day there. Things are usually fairly low key at my mom's.

I think for Christmas we may have to do it differently, though this year. I don't know that I'll be up to cooking for 12+people with a 2 y/o, 8 y/o and 2 m/o, so we'll probably either lay low, just us or go to my MIL's (the closest family distance-wise) for a couple hours.

[brenda-sw]

My advice is to 'play it by ear'. Traveling w/ a one month old is HARD! We traveled w/ our first when she was 7 weeks old. We went away for about 5-6 days and that was long enough! It was nice to have a change of scenery but hard w/ all the packing, BF'ing schedule, etc. There was no way I could have gone anywhere before that 7 week mark, but that is just me!!!!!!!!!!! Can they come to you for a long weekend during that two week period that DH has off????? That may be much easier OR you may want a 'break' and may feel the need to get away...the thing is you will not know till baby gets here and it is closer to Xmas. Don't make any promises to anyone!

GL,
Brenda