Pretend you are me....

[Blooming]

Alright, I don't usually start these kinds of threads but I am at my wits end. (I am currently closed up in my room with laptop and milkshake).

So we get done eating dinner, it is seven o'clock. DH starts cleaning the kitchen, DS7 is lying on the couch he asks "Dad will you play legos with me?"
DH: I need to clean the kitchen, then you need to take a shower. I am not sure we will have time if you want to read before bed.

DS7: Mom will you play with me?

ME: I have to switch the laundry and then I was thinking about doing a bit of sewing.

DS7: Starts freaking out and going into full drama mood...."No one wants to play with me, You never play with me (we both play with him EVERY day).

ME: DS it is okay for you to play on your own sometimes. Daddy and I have things we need to get done.

DS7: NO! "That's boring!" crying, whining, etc.....Then he turns and kicks DS3 because he is mad.

I go through my mantra about diffrent ways to show you are angry anf that, that is not one of them. He continues to yell at me so I tell him to go play in his room because he it is unfair that he is hurting his brother's body and our feelings. We eventually make a compromise that he will play with his legos on his own in the living room. I deceide to put on some peaceful music to try and lighten the mood. He starts complaing about that too.

I don't know what to do, it seems like he complains about everything. He also seems to want to be constantly entertened. How can I encorage him to play on his own or with his brother more? I don't want to raise an adult that can't have fun for half an hour on his own.


He is also very sensitive when I have calmed down and talk to him about this it is likely he will burst into tears and say he didn't know, he's sorry, etc....

Thanks, oh and please be nice. I don't usually post these kinds of things because I've seen others treated very poorly before. I'm really looking for suggestions not for someone to point out all the mistakes I've made.

[mrspineau]

What if you were to try and establish a kind of evening routine? That way maybe he would know what to expect and not be so upset if things don't go the way he would like. You could involve him in the planning of what the routine will be perhaps? I don't know if that is possible, as I don't know your schedule or if you are able to do this... I just know that helped for a friend of mine who was having a similar problem. Her son would not play by himself but then she made sort of a designated "play with mom and dad time" and a "play by yourself time" and it worked great. I am sorry that I don't really have any other suggestions, but I hope that you read something here that will help.

[thebarkingbird]

a routine is good. also, why is it a compromise that he play in the living room? maybe you could try and anticipate that and suggest he play near the family but direct his own play. does he want your undivided attention or just to be near the action? kids can slow down the work some but what about saying "i know you want to spend some time with me. why don't you help me X" maybe as a way of easing him into figuring out his own activities you could set something up for him to do at that difficult time. like say tonight while we're cleaning or sewing etc you'll get to build something/ do an art project and i'd love to see it when it's all done. can't wait to see what you come up with.

[Blooming]

I like your ideas, thank you.

It was a compromise at that point because he didn't want to go up to his room to play and the original plan of playing legos while we did what we needed to suddenly didn't sound so bad.

I think I will talk to him again tomorrow. I have suggested that he make things and then show them to us but he always says. "I can't" or "I'm bad at building legos." The reality is he wants his dad who builds cool planes and such to do it for him. He also clearly sees the diffrence in the way he builds and the way his Dad builds. We are always talking about how adults have more expereince, because they've had more time to practice and that if he works at it his skills will improve too. He doesn't seem to want to put the effort forth, he seems to give up before he even starts.

I think tomorrow I'm going to ask him to make a list of all the things he likes and try to make sure at least one is worked into the schedule.

[jgmommo]

FWIW, 7 was pretty challenging with my dd. She was more emotional and had lots of meltdowns and yelled at everyone. Someone gave her an origami kit for her 7th birthday which would usually be a great gift for her but she was suddenly terrible at everything and couldn't possibly do anything creative because she's dumb (her words). It did pass but with great patience from the rest of us. She's 8.5 now and way more mellow.

[thebarkingbird]

you can get plans for leggo things. maybe he'd learn some of what he wants by working with a pattern? i don't know if you feel it would hamper his creativity but as an artist i find that i learned so much from those forced still lives that has translated to my "real" work and it's fun to get a "cool" product. patterns also encourage patience.... i'm sure you use them when you sew at least sometimes and the things probably don't look just like the package.

[LiamnEmma]

Originally Posted by jgmommo

FWIW, 7 was pretty challenging with my dd. She was more emotional and had lots of meltdowns and yelled at everyone. Someone gave her an origami kit for her 7th birthday which would usually be a great gift for her but she was suddenly terrible at everything and couldn't possibly do anything creative because she's dumb (her words). It did pass but with great patience from the rest of us. She's 8.5 now and way more mellow.

Yeah that. I was also going to say that I think 7 is a hard age. My ds was often nightmarish at that age but right now at a few weeks shy of 9 is pretty good most of the time. dd is currently 7 and we're struggling with her as well, but less since we now recognize this as an intense period. Lots of complaints, negativity, whining.

I can see his point --and I see yours as well about playing every day-- I think in that moment he felt shunned and maybe next time try one of the pp suggestions that he help you or dh with what you're doing. I think it's really hard for kids to fathom that their parents have emotional needs that go beyond fulfilling the every whim and desire of their children.

[OhDang]

My kids i nanny for, are the same. i just think its the age. i could of written this post even lol. hugs!

[AllisonR]

My kids are much younger, so I don't know if this will apply, but I'll give it a shot:

DS7 is lying on the couch he asks "Dad will you play legos with me?"
DH: I need to clean the kitchen. Would you like to help me with the dishes? We can talk about your day at the same time.

DS7: Mom will you play with me?

ME: I have to switch the laundry. Would you help me with that? If we can do this together in 10 minutes instead of 20, then I can spend 10 minutes with you playing legos.

Now you have turned the whole thing into choices for DS. He can choose to clean the kitchen, which he probably doesn't like, but then he gets time with DH, or he can chose to play by himself. He can chose to help you, and you help him with legos in return, or to play by himself. None of the choices are perfect, but they are choices, and he can decide, as opposed to just hearing "no" from you ad DH.

[almama]

Not sure if it fits, but sometimes my DS7 asks for us to play with us when something is bugging him (but he hasn't gotten it off his chest yet or can't ID it). If we say no and he freaks out, it is usually the case.

[Blooming]

Originally Posted by almama

Not sure if it fits, but sometimes my DS7 asks for us to play with us when something is bugging him (but he hasn't gotten it off his chest yet or can't ID it). If we say no and he freaks out, it is usually the case.

This is a good point. He later told me he was so unhappy because he didn't want to go back to school today.

It is helpful to hear that others have had a hard time a 7. (Not that I want anyone to have a hard time.)

We do a lot of choices around here, sometimes I wonder if we've done to many because the reality is we can't always make things work for him. I thnk part of the problem is that we are both hot headed so when we get into that really frustrated place (which DS can go from 0 to 10 in the bat of an eye), I have no desire to work with him when he's screaming at me.

Hopefully, once school is over we will both relax.

[5gifts]

Well, as far as playing legos alone here's something I figured out with ds4...

We have 5 legomaniacs from 3-15yo - and dh too, we have sets from when he was little. DS2(now12,and builds fantastic stuff daily) used sit helplessly in a pile of legos calling for someone to build him something. Or look at directions and constantly be asking for help finding the right pieces. He couldn't fathom creating anything cool on his own.

Well, my 2 littlest - 3&5yo -I've discovered something new. They can take a pretty complicated starwars ship/excavator/fire truck/whatever....and take it all apart (so all the pieces are right there in a pile) and sit there with the directions and put it all back together by themselves.Well, the 5yo at least will sit happily for quite awhile doing this, and be so proud of what he built. He brags to everyone how 'creative' he is with legos. Sometimes he calls me over to help with something - half the time by the time I get there he says 'Never mind I got it'.

Now that I think about it, I realize this started with a lego 'creator' set a neighbor got for his b-day. Its like a $10 set that shows 3 different yellow race cars you can build. He loves that, and will build & rebuild those over & over with the dirrections - and make his own little changes or add other pieces we have. The 3yo just got a similar set ('racers' though, not 'creators')that makes a police car, race car & helicoptor.

Well, that just made me remember what got him going even before that! We have an old lego creator board game (thrift store buy) that has a big card that shows the pieces you have to try to get in the game to make a really simple thing. When he was 4 he would build with those by himself.

So maybe for the times he really wants to do legos, buts needs to do it himself, you can pull out some kind of creator set that gives dirrections for multiple smaller creations.

[mamaduck]

It would bother me if I had chores to do, my son was not helping, and at the same time throwing a fit because I would not play with him. I would take the approach mentioned above: "I have to do laundry. Would you like to come help me with that?" If it is a situation where he simply needs some companionship and or an opportunity to express himself, than doing it over laundry might work out just fine.

I would also try to echo the feelings behind his request. "You wish you had someone to play with, don't you? It seems like maybe you are feeling lonely. Being seven is an age where you like to have playmates all the time. Sometimes its hard to be busy by yourself." Sometimes it helps just to acknowlege the feelings, even if you don't give in to the demands.

[Magella]

Do you have regularly scheduled one-on-one time with him? I find that my 8 year old gets like this, with the whole "no one will play with me" drama, when she's needing some one-on-one time. She might need it because she's stressed/something's bugging her, or just because. We find that scheduling it right into our routine helps--dd is one who needs one-on-one time often, and she needs to know when to expect it. We rearranged the kids' bedtimes a bit so that she stays up a bit later than the younger two. While one of us puts the younger two to bed, she has "special time" with the other parent-not super long, probably 15-20 minutes, with her choice of activities. We did have to tweak our after-dinner cleanup a bit to accomodate this, along with getting the younger ones upstairs a little earlier (this gives the younger ones some extra one-on-one cuddle/talk time up in bed, too). Since it has become part of our routine, and she knows she can count on that, she is also usually very flexible on those occasions when it can't happen.

[GooeyRN]

I secons the idea's of having a routine so he knows WHEN you will play with him. And inviting him to help with chores. Life isn't all fun and games, he will need to learn that someday. A little self entertaining doesn't always look so bad when that is the alternative to chores. Unless what he is wanting is attention, then he can help you and get attention at the same time.

You deserve "you" time to sew or whatever, and he deserves some play time with you, and the housework must be done. Its hard to find that balance!

As a kid, I felt like I was a bother to my parents. They never wanted to play with me and didn't set aside time to play with me after about age 5. They gave me the choice, find something to do alone, or do chores alone. What I wanted was attention. There wasn't an option to help them with chores. It wouldn't have been my first choice, of course, but it would have been an acceptable choice to me. They just wanted me out of their hair.

[LauraLoo]

Oh how I wish I couldn't relate......but I can.

DS used to be such an independent little guy. He could play for HOURS in his room by himself. I actually worried a little about that then.....but now I have the situation like yours.

Here's what I'm doing....
DS can tell time, but not very well yet. So, if I tell him I'll be ready in 15 min., I've found that I have to show him where the hands on the clock will be at that time, or I set the timer so he gets the auditory clue.

We have fairly predictable routines - especially in the evening. Sometimes I find it very helpful to remind him about the routine *before* he gets worked up over something that isn't going his way. He needs a lot of information, so I try to oblige. I'm also working in ways for him to help me and dh with the chores that need to be done to include him as much as possible, but have an additional challenge that dd likes to get in the middle as well, and find that ds slowly backs out and dd winds up doing whatever we've set aside for ds to help with AND with her chore as well......we're working on this.

Many times when ds gets fixated on a particular activity that he wants to do, but doesn't/won't do by himself, I try to help him think about alternatives. I'll get the "That's BORING" comment, too. Eventually, he'll come up with a solution about 90% of the time, but a lot of time can pass, so then we're dealing with a bedtime conflict such as, "Now it's time for a bath," and ds has just started doing something that is pacifying him.....ugh. I'm also trying to talk about this with him ahead of time so he has time to think about what he'd like to do ahead of time.

I am very interested to hear what others have to offer.....

[MtnLivinMama]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

My kids are much younger, so I don't know if this will apply, but I'll give it a shot:

DS7 is lying on the couch he asks "Dad will you play legos with me?"
DH: I need to clean the kitchen. Would you like to help me with the dishes? We can talk about your day at the same time.

DS7: Mom will you play with me?

ME: I have to switch the laundry. Would you help me with that? If we can do this together in 10 minutes instead of 20, then I can spend 10 minutes with you playing legos.

Now you have turned the whole thing into choices for DS. He can choose to clean the kitchen, which he probably doesn't like, but then he gets time with DH, or he can chose to play by himself. He can chose to help you, and you help him with legos in return, or to play by himself. None of the choices are perfect, but they are choices, and he can decide, as opposed to just hearing "no" from you ad DH.

I like this approach. I like that it is offering to include your dc in your tasks, and offers an opportunity to connect. It takes away a bit of the "being shunned" reponse, or the "my parents are too busy to spend time with me" response. I'm sure it wouldn't work 100% of the time with my own kids - they want to play, after all, not do household chores all the time, but I'm going to make a point of using it more often. I can think of one time recently when my ds wanted me to do build blocks with him and I invited him to come help me in the kitchen instead - and he came running. (He is younger than op's ds, however)

[tomanola]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

My kids are much younger, so I don't know if this will apply, but I'll give it a shot:

DS7 is lying on the couch he asks "Dad will you play legos with me?"
DH: I need to clean the kitchen. Would you like to help me with the dishes? We can talk about your day at the same time.

DS7: Mom will you play with me?

ME: I have to switch the laundry. Would you help me with that? If we can do this together in 10 minutes instead of 20, then I can spend 10 minutes with you playing legos.

Usually that's what I do with my 7 y.o. And usually, she runs away saying, "no, mom, that is not necessary"

Also, I could say "I have to switch the laundry. Why don't you bring a book and read it here with me?" If she needs some company, she'll agree immediately...

[fek&fuzz]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

My kids are much younger, so I don't know if this will apply, but I'll give it a shot:

DS7 is lying on the couch he asks "Dad will you play legos with me?"
DH: I need to clean the kitchen. Would you like to help me with the dishes? We can talk about your day at the same time.

DS7: Mom will you play with me?

ME: I have to switch the laundry. Would you help me with that? If we can do this together in 10 minutes instead of 20, then I can spend 10 minutes with you playing legos.

Now you have turned the whole thing into choices for DS. He can choose to clean the kitchen, which he probably doesn't like, but then he gets time with DH, or he can chose to play by himself. He can chose to help you, and you help him with legos in return, or to play by himself. None of the choices are perfect, but they are choices, and he can decide, as opposed to just hearing "no" from you ad DH.

Yeah, that was my first thought too. Or even, "bring your legos in the kitchen and keep me company while I clean." That way, if he does need to talk, he is near a parent and has the opportunity to do so.

[damona]

blooming, your op sounded far too familiar... my monkey, who is almost 10, is still a "drama king" as we call him. "nobody loves me/wants to play with me/cares about me/notices me" is a very familiar refrain around here. he is supersensitive and extremely stubborn, so saying "i can't do X with you right now, but why don't you help me do this and then we can find some time to do X after" will not get me anywhere. it will, 90% of the time, lead to a hysterical screaming fit and him saying things like "i'm going to run away and i'll get kidnapped and maybe they'll love me!" i only wish i was kidding or exaggerating. he's had me in tears several times with this kind of stuff. he is also adhd and we've had him in counseling for almost 4 years now. the first 2 1/2 years were with a therapist who was essentially useless, but was the only insurance approved one in 50 miles. we've switched him to another guy who seems to be starting to help, now that monkey will finally let him help.

anyway, sorry to turn this into a rant, it's just that this is such a familiar situation and i am so tired of trying to deal with the drama! i really wish i had some ideas or suggestions for you, but i guess all i can offer you is a sympathetic ear!