He wants me to stay

[althara]

I'm not even sure where to post this. H left a note for me last night (we are working on moving out of our rental) it basically says he wants to go to counseling because he will do anything not to lose me or Kaylee. He says he's ok with us planning on separating while we do this.

I just don't know what to do. Part of me says maybe he's really willing to open his eyes and do what he needs to do to control his anger and behavior. Part of me says he's just trying to manipulate me into staying and he will continue his behavioral pattern once he gets tired of counseling. He's stated many times that he thinks people who need counseling are weak and "losers." I'm just not sure if I believe that he will stick this out and actually work on his problems in the long run.

I also feel like he needs to change his behavior because he knows it is wrong (which he has admitted) not because he wants me to stay.

I know this post is mostly about his problems. I know I also have things that I need to change about me. But since deciding to leave him I have felt more like "me" than I have in years. I really think leaving is the right thing to do for my health and for my daughter's health. I cannot allow him to ever treat her the way he has treated me. He's even yelled at her before (not in an abusive way), which scared her a lot, and she's only 15 months old. I've been frustrated with her before but I've never yelled at her.

I just feel like I'm done with the relationship. He was (I'm sure still will be when he gets mad about something) verbally abusive to me and I am no longer going to tolerate that behavior. I've lost all trust in him at this point.

I know you all can't tell me what to do but...

[whateverdidiwants]

Nope, we can't tell you what to do, but we *can* remind you that you dont have to stay just because he asks. You can separate, go to counselig together, and then if things improve, move back in together.

If you do decide to separate, I really sugggest you get a copy of "Should I Stay or Should I Go?: How a Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage". I'm a very firm believer in having everything spelled out in writing what the rules for the separation are (ie money, sex, dating other people, counseling etc), especially how long the separation will last before you decide to get back together/split up/re-evaluate.

[guestmama9916]

Mine was verbally and emotionally abusive too. He was a name caller - called me an fn idiot (without the edit) in front of DS because I didn't park in the parking spot at the playground that he wanted me to. : That was the straw the broke the camel's back. I highly recommend seperating and reading Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans and her other book The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

http://www.patriciaevans.com/books.html

I learned from reading these books that my xh was the worst kind of verbal abuser and the least likely to change because he has the emotional maturity of a 4 yr old as evidenced by his use of name calling. I also believe he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is something else that he will never be able to change as well without intense therapy. Of course he thinks nothing is wrong with him now a year after I left. He was sorry and apologized and begged when I told him I was leaving. He cried and went off his depression medication abruptly as a plea for attention. It was awful and scary but I was done with him. My life became so peaceful after I left and the simple joys of life returned with it just being me and DS. What started as a very difficult decision turned out to be a very easy one in the end. I knew with all my heart it was the best thing for DS and I. A year later, I still can't believe sometimes the abuse that I put up with. When you are in the middle of a relationship like that, you really start to become desensitized to it all. The abuser then has to go to greater lengths to hurt you. Being away from it has helped me see just how ugly it truly was. I put up with it for 13 years. Never, ever again.

[althara]

Originally Posted by saving_grace

Mine was verbally and emotionally abusive too. He was a name caller - called me an fn idiot (without the edit) in front of DS because I didn't park in the parking spot at the playground that he wanted me to. : That was the straw the broke the camel's back. I highly recommend seperating and reading Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans and her other book The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

http://www.patriciaevans.com/books.html

I learned from reading these books that my xh was the worst kind of verbal abuser and the least likely to change because he has the emotional maturity of a 4 yr old as evidenced by his use of name calling. I also believe he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is something else that he will never be able to change as well without intense therapy. Of course he thinks nothing is wrong with him now a year after I left. He was sorry and apologized and begged when I told him I was leaving. He cried and went off his depression medication abruptly as a plea for attention. It was awful and scary but I was done with him. My life became so peaceful after I left and the simple joys of life returned with it just being me and DS. What started as a very difficult decision turned out to be a very easy one in the end. I knew with all my heart it was the best thing for DS and I. A year later, I still can't believe sometimes the abuse that I put up with. When you are in the middle of a relationship like that, you really start to become desensitized to it all. The abuser then has to go to greater lengths to hurt you. Being away from it has helped me see just how ugly it truly was. I put up with it for 13 years. Never, ever again.

Thanks for the book recommendation. He's a name caller too and demeans me when he gets angry about things. He's also trying to convince me to move back to california which I really don't want to do. I need to be close to my parents for the support that they can offer me while I get on my feet. I'm so afraid that what was going to be and "easy" and "amicable" divorce will turn into an ugly custody battle.

[guestmama9916]

Originally Posted by althara

I'm so afraid that what was going to be and "easy" and "amicable" divorce will turn into an ugly custody battle.

Oh yes, my divorce turned ugly. I paid for an uncontested divorce only to be slapped in the face with a custody lawsuit by him. His lawyer was free because they were related. I on the other hand had to take out a loan for $5000 to retain a good lawyer with experience in custody suits. In my state, its very rare for fathers to gain custody. My ex knew that and he didn't truly want custody but it was done out of anger on his part. We settled out of court and now xh hardly ever exercises his visitation rights and may even be moving out of state this summer. Obviously this was all done as a last attempt to control and abuse me. I didn't let it stress me because I knew everything would be fine in the end. However, I strongly suggest that you consult an attorney without his knowledge before your situation gets out of hand. Good attorneys will not charge you for the initial consult. They can tell you steps you need to take in order to document his abusive ways so that you will have the upper hand if/when he files for custody. If you don't have the $$ to retain a lawyer, start putting back some cash now. Also, when you leave, take everything with you that is sentimental (photos, heirlooms) and don't assume he will be a nice guy and give you anything back that is rightfully yours - even if the court orders it. Also be prepared for him to not help you financially until the court orders it. My xh refused to pay child support until I retained a lawyer and filed for temporary relief. I went like 6 or 7 months without any help from him. Once I got the court ordered support, it only took about 2 months to get payments going so don't hesitate to ask the court for help if this happens to you too. Expect the worse from your h- he's losing his control over you and its going to infuriate him. If your h is like my xh, he would be nice one minute then horrible to me the next. Its a game they play to lure you back in. Don't fall for it and don't agree to anything you don't feel comfortable with out of guilt because he's being nice at the moment. Hang in there and seek out help from your therapist, family and friends. That's how I managed to stay sane throughout my ordeal. Oh and change your screen names and passwords for your online accounts!!! My xh googled on my MDC screen name and read some posts I made last year asking for divorce advice. Not good! I found out that my xh was alot creepier than I thought after I left. With all of that time on his hands, he became obsessed with trying to hack into my online accounts and read my private thoughts/messages. I believe he had help from some of his buddies so even if you don't think your h is capable of doing something like this, one of his buddies might be. Protect yourself!

[pranamama]

sometimes I think attorneys advise people to hold up on divorce, if they really screwed up and need to go back and fix their mistakes so they come out better in the litigation. For some reason, I am worried about your stbx's motivation in this.

Good Luck, and Don't move to California if you don't want to spend the rest of your child's childhood there.

[hkitty]

Another good book is The Betrayal Bond - breaking free of exploitative relationships by Patrick Carnes. It will help you look at yourself and how you got into an abusive relationship and how you stay in one. He calls it a "love bomb" when someone who is abusive tries to convince you to stay by being so nice, making promises, etc. It's part of the cycle of violence. My advice to you would be to go ahead and move out, separate and then think about what you want to do.