I have an incredibly violent 3 year old who scares me

[darlintxmomma]

SOMEBODY HELP ME!
I feel like a sh*t mom who absolutely lost it with my kid today. I don't know what his problem is but we've been dealing with his meanness since he was 13 months old and he'll be 3 in a month. Let's see, just today, he has hit my moms chiahuahua's about 10 times, has kicked my mom in her broken leg (that has taken years to not fully heal due to osteoporosis), has come running at me with a coat hanger and smacked me in the face with it, has poked my mom in the eye twice (she has surgery on it 2 weeks ago), has gone running thru a bedroom and slammed his head into the window 3 times in a row, he hits me and runs, then comes back and does it again. My breaking point tonight was when he picked up a case of pudding and cornered one of the dogs and began slamming it into her back repeatedly then threw it on top of her when he saw me coming at him and ran. I chased him to the back of the house and let him have it. I feel so aweful, but I don't know what to do to reach him and make him understand that he CANNOT act this way. I have tried redirection (for a long time when he was yonuger...)he never caught on. His daycare that he went to would do time outs with the kids in a decent manner, so I tried it at home. Now he LOVES to go to the wall, in fact he tells me that he hits just so he can go to time out, so apparently thats not working on him. He doesn't listen when I tell him NO, which has become the most frequently said word in my house (which I hate). We have tried talking to him and telling him that it makes us sad when he acts this way and now he will do things then ask us to make sure we are sad. Once we say, YES we are sad, he says then he is happy. He THRIVES on violence and laughs and enjoys being violent. He gets a kick out of it. How do I break him of this??? Oh, he has also taken to kicking me in the belly as hard as he can (I'm 17 weeks pregnant) and if I try to ignore it, he will do it harder then laugh. I hate spanking but like I said, tonight he got the spanking of his lifetime or he would have probably killed that dog.

I really need some ideas because I am so stressed about this. My DH is working out of town and looking for us a house and we are living with my parents in the meantime. Being pregnant and so stressed I'm already contracting and the doc ordered me to take it easy and my child is anything but allowing me to rest. I am actually beginning to be very concerned for the health/wellbeing of this baby thats on the way. My son is the type of child who will knowingly hurt the baby out of spite. Please help me, I'm reaching the point of wanting to send him away to bootcamp but hes only 3. I just want to cry and my DH thinks I'm overreacting because he's never here to see it. He tells me to just ignore his behavior which I have tried but when I do that, DS takes it to the extreme. Last week my mom's other dog (not the one he attacked tonight) spent the day hiding under the bed. Once I bribed her out and picked her up, she had a bruise (blood stain) on her tummy the size of the bottom of a coke can from DS kicking her in the stomach.

Please, I'm willing to try anything at this point. I'm at such a loss.

[AntoninBeGonin]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how hard this must be on you. I'm going to think about an answer for a bit.

[D_McG]

I couldn't read and not respond. Have you brought him to a therapist? My son is younger but this really sounds out of the ordinary to me.

I'm sorry I wish I could help. I feel sick just reading this post

[AntoninBeGonin]

I did a google search to find information about anger in children. Maybe one of these links will be a starting point that can help you . I think the first link is the most pertinent to your situation.

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_f...fiant_disorder

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Hel...rder&id=918601

http://www.focusas.com/PersonalityDisorders.html

http://www.schwablearning.org/articles.aspx?r=521

[bri276]

I would ask for a referral from your pediatrician to a developmental pediatrician.

How is he at daycare? How often does he go?

I always hesitate to post this because I think people will take it the wrong way, (I have a daughter with a genetic condition) but would you consider stopping by the special needs forum, not because I'm saying there is definitely something "wrong" with your son, but because there are many very experienced, knowledgeable mothers there with great advice?

http://mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?f=157

[northcountrymamma]

just a first observation... I would definitely say that spanking him is not going to do anything to resolve violence. In fact it would teach him that hitting is what people do when they are angry. If he has been spanked in the past, perhaps he is learning this violent behaviour from his own experiences.

I think that consistent redirection each time a violent action surfaces would be a good place to start. For example if you anticipate an action that you know will be violent, have a plan in place for something that he can do with that energy. Something positive. A trampoline, a drum, a ball to throw, sticks to bang together. And don't just offer the drum each time he hits...mix it up, often.

I would also investigate his sleep patterns. Is he tired?
And food? allergies, constant hunger?

Just my thoughts, I hope you find the direction you are looking for.

[SarahGuinn]

You need to act now and call about play therapy or early intervention. This will get better if you take the steps to make it better. Your interior baby and your exterior preschooler can be fine, they just need their mommy to ask for the help she needs from the appropriate people to give it to her.

If you want to PM I'll help you find the phone numbers for your area or you can post in the SN area here to see if other people in your area can help you.

Play therapy isn't a bad thing and can be very fun, don't think about taking steps as a negative!

[Viola]

Nothing useful from me, but I have to say it really sounds like there is more going on with your child than meets the eye. It might be more than you can handle alone. Would it be possible to get some sort of therapy for him? Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it sounds extreme. I have a 4 year old who hits, kicks, calls names, can be very rude and hurtful, has threatened to stab me and herself, and can sometimes express happiness when she knows I'm upset, but it doesn't sound like it's on the same level. She is also very happy and loving a lot of the time, and a lot of her "hurting" things done when she is trying to be silly or push a limit. She's almost never mean just for the sake of being mean, although she does have a temper and mood swings that worry me for the future.

In my case, I've been thinking that what I need to do is spend more one on one time with her (because I don't really spend that much since she has an older sister) and understand that as angry and hurtful as she can be, she is extremely sensitive to criticism herself. It's hard for me to understand that since she can be rough and mean in the way she treats others, that she goes ballistic if people respond in kind. I'm hoping that if I spend some time giving her unconditional acceptance, maybe I can break down whatever anger and resentment she has. I don't even know if that will work, but I feel like my other option is the one you have suggested. In your case, though, with your pets, your mother and your own condition, it's hard. You can't let him mistreat you. I usually physically try and stop whatever it is they are doing--like if they hit me, I grab their hands mid hit. A few times I've had to physically "restrain" my daughter on my lap, holding her and rocking her until she finally seemed to get out of the tantrum and move to where she was willing to accept loving and hugs.

Do you know if there is anything in his life that could be contributing to it emotionally? Dietary or environmental issues? Maybe you could talk to his pediatrician and get some ideas that way.

[darlintxmomma]

Ok...regrouping from the meltdown I just had with DH on the phone. We had Cayden working with Early Childhood Intervention for a year, due to abnormal behaviors (he was beating his head into our cement floor and brick walls). Even with the therapies they did with him, his 'normal' behaviors never changed although he did finally quit beating his head into things. I have thought about seeing a therapist but his Ped just writes me off has having an unruly toddler.

I can tell you that when this behavior started he was 13 months old, is when the military called daddy away to active duty in another city. we still saw him a few weekends a month, but that was all. That was 2 years ago and daddy is still gone. When he is home, Cayden's behavior does a complete 180. He is calm, playful and incredibly loving. He still has a few issues with hitting, but nothing as severe as when daddy is gone. That is why when daddy finally got the full time position (instead of 4 months of orders at a time), we began looking for a house to move down there and get our family back together. I KNOW things with Cayden would improve greatly having daddy back in the picture on a daily basis. We just have had nothing but trouble since we began house hunting so right now we are stuck.

Dh also told me that when he was a child he had incredibly violent tendencies that his parents couldn't control. He finally grew out of them when he was a teenager, but DH just says all of this is his fault because of him being gone and because of passing on his 'violent genes' as he calls them. He feels terrible for leaving me to deal with this but he is also at a loss as to how to deal with Cayden. What I described in the original post, was pretty much our lives on a daily basis. I do think there is something wrong with him (bipolar maybe), because there are times he is a complete angel. I have even considered going to my pastor to have him prayed over in case its something demonic...(Yes I'm a Christian and I can say I do believe demons are real. I was tormented by them as a young child until I was prayed for). Like I said, I'm more than willing to try ANYTHING.

DS is very spirited, high needs. has been since he was born. I have read several books about spirited kids but they all seem to be geared towards older children. I have tried 1-2-3 magic and it worked for a short time, but like I said, now he loves being in time out. Grrr...

[CameronsMama]

I couldn't read your post and not respond- my nephew was acting the same way at that age, he was so aggressive that his older sisters were afraid of him, and the dogs were terrified, and we were all afraid for his safety. Please please please get someone to evealuate him for Oppositional Defiance Disorder, my darling little nephew that we knew was in there all the time has finally come out to shine. It's been a long long road, but a little medicine and a lot of therapy have helped him so much. He was not diagnosed until he was almost 5, and we all wish we had found out about this sooner, he is a different child.

Allergies/food sensitivities would be good to check into also- when I was younger I became very angry and aggressive I just couldn't help myself, I just felt so angry all the time (I was a little older so I remember it clearly) and it turned out I had a sensitivity to processed corn, once that was eliminated from my diet, those feelings totally subsided.

I think you might want to go ask around the special needs forum, and the allergy forum, the mamas there might be able to help shed some light on what you're going through.

It sounds like you are a caring mama doing all you can think of, I wish you luck and send hugs and support.

[SarahGuinn]

You need to take him to another therapist before you take him to your pastor to be prayed over, please.

Someone different and willing to work with you and listen to you. Maybe even another ped. Mention the family history of violent tendancies.

[CameronsMama]

Originally Posted by SarahGuinn

You need to take him to another therapist before you take him to your pastor to be prayed over, please.

Someone different and willing to work with you and listen to you. Maybe even another ped. Mention the family history of violent tendancies.

Yes, this is very important, the fact that his dad went through the same thing means there is definately something bigger than you can handle with a disciplinary tactic change, and it is likely something that can be treated, if your ped won't give you a referral find a therapist on your own, or find a new ped. This is what we went through with my nephew, the ped kept saying it was just an out of control toddler, nothing therapy would help, and boy was he wrong. Trust your gut, mama you know your baby better than any doctor.

[Kirsten]

I have a friend whose dd1 was violent - would slam her little sister's head in the door if she could hold her in there. That mom finally figured out that red dye #whatever was a huge trigger for her dd. When she removed everything (Tylenol, candy, any drinks or food with it) that contained it, the situation improved greatly.

But I would see a child pychologist too. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would make it my #1 priority before one of the dogs is killed or you stress into a problem for your pregnancy. I would absolutely deal with it before baby is born.

[Boodah'smama]

i don't really have any brilliant advice, i just sense that you are at your wits end and understand how you feel. Though i have never experienced what you describe--i do have a very spirited 3 year old who, at times, has a very hard time controlling his body or being empathetic. He is intense and high energy and requires a lot of focus and outlet or else he tends to use his body and energy in an inappropriate manner. He expresses a lot of sensory seeking behavior, but all of this has gotten much easier with age. i know that if i'm tired, distracted or have been without any help for too long, his behavior escalates. If i remain calm, focused and show no sign of 'weakness' in my redirection and can be creative and proactive, things just naturally resolve--But, all mamas get tired and it's not possible to be 100% effective all the time without a break and i totally understand that.

i don't feel qualified at all to talk about your son seemingly hurting for fun and being happy in making others sad. Without seeing it, it sounds like he's trying to control. It's pretty powerful to be able to control the way other people feel and i think it's fairly easy for little one to fall into negative attention seeking patterns. But, if you feel it is indicative of something more serious--you should think about talking to a professional.

Barring anything out of the ordinary--i would make sure he is eating a healthy diet free from artificial dyes, flavors, etc., Second, find a really good outlet for all that aggression, energy and need to control he has in his little body--not sure what it is for him--for my DS, when he's reaching that point we play the "direction game," where i give him tasks to complete--like "when i say go, run as fast as you can, touch the big tree, find one pebble and bring it back to me..." then i praise him like crazy when he completes the task and add more steps each time. it keeps him focused and burns energy. Something like this might work for your kiddo--or maybe getting him into some kind of lesson--soccer, karate, etc., With my DS, i find that once we've got that energy harnessed, he's focused and has found a good way to use his natural intensity and gotten positive attention for it, then we get to a really good place, can have a snack, read a book or something and then talk about why he hit me earlier or whatever the issue was.

Good luck. No judgment at all, but i think spanking is only going to make it harder for your son to understand that hurting other people and animals is unacceptable. remove yourself. tell him you have to protect yourself/dog/whomever so you have to leave the room or area to keep your body safe.

[darlintxmomma]

Oh wow, thank you all so much for your responses. You have reminded me of some things I have wondered about/tried in the past.

First let me clarify that he graduated from EI a few months ago because he has made GREAT IMPROVEMENTS in his behaviors from when he first started. But most of the time, the therapists would see him at daycare and he doesn't have near the issues there that he has at home. Too much stimulus for him to even consider going into his rages. Sadly, his daycare ended last week for the year and since we are moving hopefully within a couple of months, he won't be going back. It was a 2 day a week Mother's Day Out program at a church and it was wonderful for him. I'm really sad that he's not going back but they don't have the program going again for a few months.

Food allergies....YES. dairy. usually makes him wheeze. SOY/MSG sends him into insanely violent tendencies. I have to watch those like a hawk. I haven't been able to pinpoint anything else that could be setting him off...those 2 are the biggies and we are darn good at avoiding them.

Oh Lordy, restraining him in my lap until he calms cannot be done. He is too strong for me. (40 in tall 40 lbs). At 15 months he was so strong that while I was attempting to restrain him, he threw his head back into my front tooth and severed the blood vessel feeding the nerve. I now have to have a $1500 root canal/cap to fix it because its brown. I just don't have the money so I live with a brown tooth.

His sleep patterns are crazy. We are trying to figure out if he is done with naps for the day or not. Somedays he will nap for 3 hours then for a week after, he wont nap at all and will be up late at night but always wakes up at 730 thanks to his incredible internal alarm clock. he has never had a good sleep schedule from the say he was born. We tried so many things and they never worked for him.

Hunger...some days its like he's starving to death, others he wont touch a single thing you offer. Sometimes even if he picks it out he will still refuse to eat it. When he does eat, he impressed me because he LOVES his vegetables. He still eats mostly chicken.

The Oppositional Defiance Disorder...the name even sounds like it describes him. I'm gonna google. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

[shanti1]

I have no great advice except please, do what you can to limit or remove pets from his equation all together. Animals, even the most loving and gentle, are unpredictable in the best of circumstances. It would be a tragedy if one decided to "protect" itself from your child. It's certainly a danger to the pets and could be a big danger to your little guy.

[wonderwahine]

I would look into a child psychologist, and there are some meds with young kids that have some sucess with calming violent behaviours. I suggest cming over to the special needs board, there are quite a few moms who have dealt with violent kids.

[bri276]

I have thought about seeing a therapist but his Ped just writes me off has having an unruly toddler.

these Peds just drive me insane. you can't let it stop you from finding a therapist though. I would either find another ped, or if your insurance doesn't require referrals, I'd ask around and call the therapist myself. it does sound like there's a lot of hope for your situation!! finding the right way to help him is probably going to take a lot of time and effort, but I'm sure it is out there. it's great that he was doing so well at daycare. maybe there is a program you can get him into temporarily until you move, like at the YMCA or something?

[ktmama]

As a social worker who has worked for many years with kids and families, I would say that what you are describing is outside of the range of "normal" toddler behaviors. I, too, would worry about your son's reaction when your baby is born and his current interactions with/abuse of your dogs.

I recommend contacting a Children's Hospital in the nearest metro area to you. They are very experienced with children's issues using a whole child approach. Also, there is an amazing cover story in last week's Newsweek on life with a bi-polar child that you may be able to relate to (in terms of mood swings).

Please get help for your child now. There are resources out there - also through your school district and Child Find - that can have a big impact. Good luck and big hugs, mama.

[zensven42]

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