Friends who sank or hit as punishment?

[heatherweh]

I was just wondering if you ever say anything to them?
I have a pretty good friend who has a son the same age as mine- nearly 2 years old now. Since hers was about 18 months or so she's been "smacking him on the thighs and legs" as punishment. I cringe when I hear it, I don't condone it and usually get kind of stiff and change the subject or something and when she asks me about it I tell her I would never do that to DS, but she thinks that I'm too permissive. It feels judgmental for me to tell her its a bad idea, but when she tells me stories about how he acted up in a store and then she smacked his thighs after they got out to the parking lot, etc. I feel like she's seeking my approval or something. Do you use these moments to teach another way?

TIA.

[alegna]

I ask them to please not tell me about it- it makes me ill.

-Angela

[pranava]

I doubt the 2 year old even knows what he's being hit for by the time they get into the parking lot. This is even the cardinal rule of dog training. Never try to correct a behavior AFTER the behavior is over. Even then, you're not supposed to smack the dog. I think saying it makes you ill and you don't want to hear it will at least make a statement. Maybe it will make this mama think twice when she does it.

[umsami]

Maybe she's telling you this as a way of looking for alternatives??

She says... "So Johnny acted up in Target... and when I got to the parking lot I smacked his thighs."

You could say, "Oh, well when Bobby does that, I usually try and figure out why he's acting out. Y'know, a lot of times, he's just hungry... so we go to the snack bar at Target and get a popcorn. Did you know you could get a bag and a drink for only 99 cents? I can't fault him. I'm grumpy when I'm hungry too."

[Shelsi]

Originally Posted by alegna

I ask them to please not tell me about it- it makes me ill.

-Angela

: my best friend and I parent pretty differently, esp in the early years. For instance she lets her kids CIO. We've discussed it back and forth before and we agree to disagree. I told her how much it bothers me to hear about it so she doesn't talk about it to me or suggest it when I am complaining about dd not sleeping through the night yet. It works for us and helps us maintain our friendship.

[mommy2abigail]

OT-but OMG Shelsi, I LOVE what your ds said!!! That is priceless!!!

I would probably, first try to offer an alternative, like umsami suggested. If she continues to tell you about it then, I would express my disapproval and ask her to not talk about it to me, unless she wanted an alternative. I have a friend who not only spanks, but spanks a child who is most likely autistic or has severe SPD, for things like melting down over a long sleeved shirt. I have had to distance myself from her, because it kills me. I tried explaining that he isn't doing it on purpose, and that to spank for that is not helping and instead hurting the situation, to no avail. And it kills me that she wont seek other treatment or help, even though she has had a script to see a specialist for a YEAR. Well, sorry I got OT.

[VisionaryMom]

In the couple of times we've seen it, we leave. I cannot tolerate children being hit; it does make my stomach turn. Once we saw a girl get smacked, and DS really lost it crying and freaking out. After that, I've just learned it's best for us to leave. Luckily, though, the other parents we know the best don't spank, so it's not such an issue.

[heatherweh]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

In the couple of times we've seen it, we leave. I cannot tolerate children being hit; it does make my stomach turn. Once we saw a girl get smacked, and DS really lost it crying and freaking out. After that, I've just learned it's best for us to leave. Luckily, though, the other parents we know the best don't spank, so it's not such an issue.

Oh that makes me sad. Our family was at the fair when DS was just a wee one and we witnessed a woman smoking (have to add that because it incenses me as well) and shaking and screaming at her very young son, I would imagine him to be about three, calling him a "Stupid little s- and saying he was going to be just like his worthless piece-of-s- daddy, etc" it was shocking and depressing. I wanted to run up and stop her, but she looked wiry and scrappy and I'm a powder puff plus had a tiny baby with me. It was just scary and I had no idea what to do. It wasn't like "abuse" that I would think to call the police for, though if there was one nearby I probably would have grabbed him. Not that a one-time intervention probably would have made any difference to the good in the long-run. Its those little confusing life moments that you can look back on and regret your inaction.

[mom_2_carson]

Honelstly, I distance myself from people who use physical means to discpline children, it makes me sick to see it and I absolutely refuse to explain to my child why someone else thinks it's okay to hit their child.

Jenn

[kapatasana]

Originally Posted by mom_2_carson

Honelstly, I distance myself from people who use physical means to discpline children, it makes me sick to see it and I absolutely refuse to explain to my child why someone else thinks it's okay to hit their child.

Jenn

Yeah. If I didn't think I could change their mind I couldn't be their friend anymore. I will have nothing to do with my husband's sister for this reason.

[Kessed]

We don't spend time with people who hit their kids.

We also greatly limit the time we spend with people who do CIO and who circ. I'll be around them - but I want to limit our exposure to them.

ETA: I do this because I don't want my child to think those things are 'normal'. I don't want her to see another child being spanked or hear another child being left to CIO.

It's one of the few 'protective' things we plan to do.

[prothyraia]

Here's a question- for those of you whose children are around families who spank, how do you deal with it? We are very close (literally- we share a house) with a couple that spanks their three year olds. My son has only seen this once and I don't think he really noticed what was going on, but as he gets older he's going to. How do I explain/deal with the fact that he's not allowed to hit me or his cousins, his cousins aren't allowed to hit each other or him, I'm not allowed to hit dada, but "aunt x" and "uncle y" can hit his cousins without anyone saying anything?

[Shantimama]

Returning thread -

just a reminder to everyone to use the red triangle Report button in the bottom left hand corner of each post if you see something that violates the User Agreement or the specific guidelines of a particular forum. Thanks!

[leahv]

In my pre-gentle discipline days when I would mention incidents like that I was trying to get other peoples feedback. I grew up in a spanking home and truly didn't know how to effectively parent my child before I got some good advice from a friend and found this forum as well as other information online. Now I'm so ashamed and sad that I used to hit my child and call it spanking. When truly all it is is hitting.

Anyhow, I would try talking to her about alternatives and books to read. If she seems unreceptive then I would tell her not to mention it again until she is ready to hear about the real way to discipline to raise a healthy happy adult.

Also I just thought of this. Ask her about how she was raised and why she sees spanking as the best way to go about it. I truly thought that spanking was the best way to raise children to be respectful. Now finally having read some real information I realized I had it so backwards. Also see if it is part of her religion. If it is then tell her about the real translation of rod- there are some great websites that I can give you if you need. And also remind her that Christ never hit anyone to get his point across. That really helped me. I think the Christian community truly has a translation problem with Rod.

I hope this can be helpful in some way.
Peace.

[CanidFL]

Just curious for people who don’t spend time with other parents that hit……what do you do if family members spank their children?

I know for sure my SIL hits her 4 year old. She doesn’t hit her 20 month old but just this weekend she said “you just wait till your 2 because then I can smack you and you’ll know what’s up” I know. So sad.

So what do you do? We can’t not see our family.

OP- I would probably ask a friend not to tell me about hitting her children. Or, I would find more friends. I just don’t see me hanging out with people who spank.

[boheime]

We don't stay around anyone who hits. Hitting children in our home is not allowed and we won't stay anywhere if someone is hitting their kids. It doesn't matter who it is, we don't want any part of it. If family members were hitting children, we would NOT be around them. Period. if they want to see us badly enough, they won't do that around us or speak about it around us.

[thefragile7393]

Originally Posted by heatherweh

I was just wondering if you ever say anything to them?
I have a pretty good friend who has a son the same age as mine- nearly 2 years old now. Since hers was about 18 months or so she's been "smacking him on the thighs and legs" as punishment.

That kid is "lucky," one friend slaps hands and legs on her 6 mo old!!! I tried to explain to her that her lo dosn't udnerstand what she's being hit for, and she says "she'll learn!" :::: Yeah....right. Ugh. We don't see them very often anymore.

[mom_2_carson]

Originally Posted by CanidFL

Just curious for people who don’t spend time with other parents that hit……what do you do if family members spank their children?

We limit our time around them. My parents are helping my brother raise his two boys and they believe in spanking, so does my brother and his new girlfriend. My sister also believes in spanking and she has a 2yo. Some of my ILs believe in spanking too, so it's all around. We go to the family events that we're expected to go to like bdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, but don't spend the night or much time past the party. We arrange time when they can come to our house and they are fully aware that they better not even think of threatening or hitting their child in my home. We also try to schedule things like going to the zoo and the museum because they're much less likely to spank in public. I'm also sure to make sure we respect things like naptime and snacks/lunch because that's usually what makes things go downhill fast.

I don't want my children to grow up not knowing their cousins so we make an effort to get the kids together and my family is completely aware of my position on spanking but I will protect my child from seeing it as much as I can. I also do try to educate them whenever possible on other options on how to deal with situations.

Jenn

[littletravelers]

Spanking family members

My sister first spanked her baby at our house when she was just under a year old. My daughter was almost 2 at the time and i had a newborn, who the cousin had just hit. So her dad took her and gave her a solid spanking right then and there. Even though i knew that through their religious beliefs they were pro physical punishment i did not expect it that early.

It all happened so fast that night i did not really react to it at all. But the next day i phoned her and told her that it was not ok for a child to be hit in our home, nor for it to happen in front of my children. I told her that as a family member i wanted to be respectful of each others' beliefs, yet needed her to do the same for ours. They came up with all sorts of bizarre things they didn't want us to do in front of their kids, which turned out to be pretty easy since we didn't do any of them anyway- but their views on our spiritual beliefs is rather warped! Their list included: no seances, devil worship, use of ouji boards, no writing 666 on the kids' foreheads- it was all rather ridiculous, but we came to an agreement none the less.

That was 7 years ago and even though other stuff has definitely come up that we've also needed to address, (like saying to my kid- Do you forgive her?" after a cousin just punched one of mine in the face and she's still crying) we never witnessed another hitting, even though, sadly, the girls still regularly receive them. And it is no surprise that both girls have turned out to be quite violent themselves, as well as excellent manipulators and liars. Yet my sister sees no connection whatsoever. My girls have not one time hit their cousins and she still likes to be the one offering me parenting advice. it's just one of those things...

One of the things i think is most important to model for our children is using direct communication. Talking directly about an issue is definitely the way to go!

-angelina mom to 2 girls, 6 & 8.

[yarngoddess]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

Here's a question- for those of you whose children are around families who spank, how do you deal with it? We are very close (literally- we share a house) with a couple that spanks their three year olds. My son has only seen this once and I don't think he really noticed what was going on, but as he gets older he's going to. How do I explain/deal with the fact that he's not allowed to hit me or his cousins, his cousins aren't allowed to hit each other or him, I'm not allowed to hit dada, but "aunt x" and "uncle y" can hit his cousins without anyone saying anything?

It's so sad that you are going to have to teach your LO about this. I would just say that what they do is their business, and what DC needs to remember is that in your little "family" that hitting isn't allowed. This also would be a great time to start talking about how everybody is different. I know that when they are little they don't get it- but explaining again and again, over and over your DC will start to comprehend. I would try to keep your DC from being alone with aunt x and uncle y - and making sure they know that they can't hit your child.

Originally Posted by boheime

We don't stay around anyone who hits. Hitting children in our home is not allowed and we won't stay anywhere if someone is hitting their kids. It doesn't matter who it is, we don't want any part of it. If family members were hitting children, we would NOT be around them. Period. if they want to see us badly enough, they won't do that around us or speak about it around us.

Yeah That!!!

I think that Parenthood and Politics are the two biggest factors in the demise of friendship. I know of about 30 "best friends for life" kind of people that were TOTALLY destroyed by parenthood. When we become parents we see the world differently- and some more than others.

My dead to me brother and his "wonderful"ife talked about how they couldn't wait to spank their DD They also would CIO and call me on the phone while she was crying in the background (making MY milkk let down and making ME cry) so they didn't have to listen to her- EVERYDAY! I finally told them that they couldn't call during her nap- because I disagree with CIO they went ballistic. Told me all kinds of propaganda about how she will never learn to be strong (she was 9mo old at the time- they started CIO at 4mo and she still cried EVERYDAY and NIGHT!) They also would send her to her room about 100 times a day- You gonna CRY?? FIne - do that in your room. They never talked to her about it, no emotions, no respect. She hit, kicked, bit, pushed, screamed through her WHOLE day- and they couldn't figure out why MY kids were nice. LOVE PEOPLE.

OP- hang in there. If this is a friendship worth saving, talk to her and then agree to disagree if you must. You may find though, that this isn't the ONLY issue - you will have many more in the future.