My baby doesn't love me anymore...

[cat2116]

Hi,
I have a 4yr old boy who has recently started hitting his two year old sister, normally when she does something that annoys him, like taking his toys etc. Obviously I expect some fighting and bickering, but he hits really hard, and with objects, like books or the tv remote. He hits so hard he has left huge purple bruises on her back and arms.

We used to have a really good relationship but recently it has been suffering, my DD has been ill recently and I have been in and out of hospital with her, even over Christmas, on Christmas eve I had to stay at hospital over night with my DD as she had pneumonia. I felt awful about abandoning my DS, on Christmas eve of all nights, as we had so many plans and he was really looking forward to it.

All this has made him grow increasingly closed to my DH, which is a good thing, except he takes it to the extreme, will only sleep next to Daddy, screams when he leaves for work and says he doesn't love me anymore, only Daddy. All this behaviour combined with the resentment I feel towards him for hitting my DD is making me really depressed, I feel like the worst mother in the world, I cry because I want to feel close to him but I don't.

I feel like I'm losing my baby...

[aschmied]

I don't have a lot of advice, but !

I would say, give it time, don't make any deal out of it to him. We had a bit of this for a while, and we just said things like "Oh, you're in a daddy mood right now? Okay!" I would also focus on giving him some one on one time. He probably misses you and is sort of emotionally protecting himself. My DD does this a lot, sour grapes, basically. "I'm glad you took that pen, because I didn't want it." One on one time might help both of you rediscover that closeness.

Good luck!

[soybeansmama]

HUGS mama. I am not sure what else to post, just sorry you are experiencing this...

[SheepNumber97245]

aw i'm sorry, love.

Maybe you could surprise him with something exciting... like take him somewhere you know he loves, just you and him. I'm not even going to pretend i'd know what to do since my baby is... well still just a baby! But to me it sounds like it's gotten into a cycle. She makes him mad so he hits her, then you get onto him and he gets mad at you.... then that makes him even more mad and he hits her and so on. Perhaps you could get him alone and talk to him. Tell him you still love him very much and you know, whatever you need to say... ?

[Stella_luna]

Your baby still loves you! Maybe he just misses you, as it sounds like your DD has needed a lot of extra attention lately. He also sounds really jealous of his sister. He may be mad at you, but he still loves you . . . at his age, he may just not have the language to articulate that. Have you tried to give him extra attention, or more one-on-one time with you? That may help you and him to reconnect.

[Roar]

It is really developmentally typical and appropriate for a preschooler to have periods of preferring one parent over another. It is not uncommon. With what you've described with life events there, it makes perfect sense this would have emerged.

While I understand it is possible to get hurt feelings over this, I'd urge maturity. It maybe isn't reasonable to expect a four year old to understand they aren't loved less if mom can't be there for a holiday. But, it should be reasonable to expect an adult to understand that the feelings he has came about for a reason and they are not an indication of whether or not he really loves you or of his feelings for the long term.

[canadiangranola]

I would think he is probably protecting himself from being hurt, you know what I mean? I find that my son can be like this with dh when dh has a really busy week at work....it's like he knows he will be sad when daddy has to go to work AGAIN! so it's easier just not to connect in the first place. That way it doesn't hurt so much when daddy has to leave, you know?

Have you tried talking to him about the fact that you have been gone so much, or that you have needed to be so focused on your daughter for the past months? Have you told him its okay to be hurt/angry/jealous of his sister? It's hard to be the oldest kid in a family, and to be expected to be mature and gentle and responsible when your little sibling is being a typical two year old and getting into your stuff all the time.

I know that my 2 1/2 yr old can drive me crazy, and I'm an adult. How much more so she has the capacity to make her brother feel angry and resentful.

I'm not saying that you should let him hurt her, but that he needs to know that you understand the emotions behind wanting to hurt her, and to know that his feelings are valid, even if his actions are not appropriate.

Hang in there mama, your little one loves you, he's just having a rough go of it. (it can be hard to remember that it's not our kids responsibility to fill our emotional cups of needing to feel loved).

Anno