Feeling sad

[mylittlefiredancer]

I have two kids, a dd who is almost three and a 10 month old ds. For the past three weeks dd has been dealing with "poop" issues. She had a really painful poop and since then has been scared to poop so she's been holding it in, making it worse.

Anyway, that's not really the issue. Today I took her to the port-o-potty four times and to two bathrooms because she keeps telling me that she has to go and then won't. Well on the last trip I told her that we were going to stay there until she poops because she was making it worse. As she sat there and wouldn't go I got increasingly frustrated and was very short with her. I finally got her off the potty and told her that I was frustrated with her (I almost said that I was mad but stopped myself) and took her right to the car not allowing her to dawdle and pick flowers along the way as she does.

I know that I was wrong on every level and handled this situation horribly. Now my baby is sleeping and I just feel sick and ready to cry. Why did I act this way even though I knew I was wrong in the moment???

Sorry, just needed to vent. Feeling about two inches tall and really sick to my stomach.

[annT]

When your daughter is an adult, she's going to make mistakes. She's going to mess up, lose it, be human, react impulsively, and forget her "best self."

What she'll need in those times is a robust sense that people can mess up, genuinely regret it, and repair the connection with their loved ones. I imagine that you want for her to assume - without even thinking about it - that she's worthy of forgiveness, that her connections to other people are strong enough to survive her mistakes, and that she will spend her whole life getting better and better at navigating these difficult moments.

The only way to give her those gifts - that strong sense of herself, that knowledge that she does not equal her mistakes, that she's much bigger, much more complicated, much more loving, much more beautiful than the stupid thing she said in a rough moment - is to give them to yourself. Right now.

Living a life of compassion begins with compassion for yourself, and your own mistakes and missed opportunities. Show her how to repair her relationships by doing what I'm sure you've already done - apologizing, explaining that your frustration was not about her but rather about you, asking for her forgiveness. And then just let it go. Life will give you another opportunity to learn whatever lesson this moment represented.

Have a good night, and turn off your self-loathing thoughts. They're a guaranteed detour away from love and joy.

[junie]

Originally Posted by annT

When your daughter is an adult, she's going to make mistakes. She's going to mess up, lose it, be human, react impulsively, and forget her "best self."

What she'll need in those times is a robust sense that people can mess up, genuinely regret it, and repair the connection with their loved ones. I imagine that you want for her to assume - without even thinking about it - that she's worthy of forgiveness, that her connections to other people are strong enough to survive her mistakes, and that she will spend her whole life getting better and better at navigating these difficult moments.

The only way to give her those gifts - that strong sense of herself, that knowledge that she does not equal her mistakes, that she's much bigger, much more complicated, much more loving, much more beautiful than the stupid thing she said in a rough moment - is to give them to yourself. Right now.

Living a life of compassion begins with compassion for yourself, and your own mistakes and missed opportunities. Show her how to repair her relationships by doing what I'm sure you've already done - apologizing, explaining that your frustration was not about her but rather about you, asking for her forgiveness. And then just let it go. Life will give you another opportunity to learn whatever lesson this moment represented.

Have a good night, and turn off your self-loathing thoughts. They're a guaranteed detour away from love and joy.

Wow! I have to say that was incredibly well said, and very very true . To the OP, I can't really say it any better than the previous poster. We're all human. We all make mistakes. If we can admit to them, apologize for them, and learn from them, there's really no reason to beat ourselves up over them .

[mamahart]

I love apologizing to my kids Probably because I have lots of practice. My main reason for frustration is often worry or concern, major trigger for me. So I explain, try again, and always let them know where I am at. My now 11 yr old hormonal and crazy- is so good at apologizing. I appreciate her acknowledgement of snippy rudeness with "I don't know what I was thinking mom, I was just so frustrated, I'm sorry." Since I freely admit my many mistakes she has the space and freedom to admit hers. Keeps our relationship strong and honest. Your little one will be OK. Really.

[iamleabee]

i don't know if this will help, but maybe you can try to give your daughter miralax? it is a very gentle laxative for kids available over the counter...will help keep her regular so her poops don't get hard.

good luck!

[mylittlefiredancer]

Thank you so much for your responses!! I did apologize to my DD and we talked about what happened. It felt so much better after that!!

annT thank you so much for that thoughtful, beautiful post!! I will definitely refer back to it when I need encouragement!!! So wonderfully written!

And iamleabee, I will try Miralax....thanks for the suggestion!

Nichole

[blessed]

Wow, that was a truly great post, annT. You've changed some lives with that one .

[allgirls]

AnnT..that was great...it's nice to see mothers lifting each other up..it helps us all grow