Nothing Works

[springmama]

DD is 3, ds is 8months. Today so far she has pushed him over, pushed him and then jumped on top of him and the last thing she did was bite him on the hand. She is getting a lot of attention and I devote myself to her when ds is napping. I talk to about what she's feeling and how it feels for her brother when she hurts him and. I have tried yelling (sadly it is sometimes my first reaction when I'm not right next to them and I come back in the room to see her jumping on top of him or biting his face) I 've tried seperating them and even time outs. She is a strong willed kid but she seems oblivious to anything when she hurts him. I'm thinking about ignoring it when it happens, just comforting ds and not even saying a word to dd. What do you think?

BTW, just about everyone is telling me to spank her - I won't do it and they tell me that if I would then she'd start listening to me. Yeah my mom and dad used to use belts and hairbrushes on my two older sisters and they still fight even as adults.

[umsami]

I think I just got lucky with my two eldest being very protective of their younger siblings. The best thing I did was to ensure they were part of caring for their little sister. So, please help me get a diaper.... what toys do you think the baby would like? etc. It got to the point that if their little sister cries, they'll both start singing to her and saying "It's OK, Sara." (Poor girl has had to listen to the Alphabet song and "Twinkle Twinkle" 1000 times!)

I would try that. Comforting him first, but I fear that might her act out more. Still, it can't hurt to try.

I would also have her repeat the behavior only in a gentle way. So...she knocks him over. Have her walk around him... or whatever gently... a few times. Repeat the proper behavior, rather than the improper one.

One of the most important thing I've learned in my five years or so as a parent, is that to be effective, discipline needs to be immediate and consistent. I used to be more inconsistent about things... and as a result, it never worked.

If she's using her toys as weapons (an issue we faced), I always put the toy on time-out. So, Thomas the Tank Engine has to go on time out. He shouldn't have hit Sara. That was actually more effective than putting either of the boys on time-out.

Consistency...with whatever you try...is key. IMHO.

I don't think spanking would make a difference. You're telling her not to hurt her little brother, and then you go ahead and hurt her. Doesn't make sense IMHO.

[kacymoose]

I have so BTDT. My oldest turned 2 just after my twins were born, and she hurt them constantly. I tried coming down hard, I yelled, I did time-outs, I did longer time-outs, I did time-outs in the corner facing the wall, I even spanked her a few times.

NOTHING changed her behavior. In fact, I created a negative attention spiral that was very hard to get out of. She knew I would react when she did something to hurt someone, so that was what she started doing when she needed attention.

What I did have success with was the comforting the victim thing. Also asking her to make amends by doing something nice to help the victim feel better. When I quit focusing on her for the infraction, there was no longer a payoff for doing it.