Feeling unsure about how I handled something.

[karne]

Here's the scenario. My two kids (9ish, 5ish) tried out some of our spray paint on our extra freezer in the garage. The older one primarily said she felt the freezer looked ugly white, and needed a new color, but she did stop herself after a few quick spays. The younger one followed suit. We've had some off and on again behaviors like this--things that seem out of bounds, but then when we talk about them, there's always a reason for what was done. It doesn't seem malicious, even though I feel at least my older child should know better. Although both kids initially said they didn't do it, my older child, when I asked said that she was responsible for her half. This is HUGE for her to acknowledge anything like this. She later said that she wqs worried a special outing planned for tomorrow might be taken away if she didn't acknowledge her part. That alone didn't feel great to either DH or I.

So here's where I feel conflicted. In my family of origin, everything was about towing the line, and fairly strict. If I'm honest, those feelings are somewhere inside of me too. DH comes from a much more gentle, understanding family, always willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Despite that DH was pretty darn steamin' to find the freezer decorated w/spray paint, and we both pretty quickly jumped to punishment mode. Then we stepped back and though about how dd had acknowledged her part, ds seemed extremely contrite....the stress of feeling upset and angry was exhausting all of us, we all were feeling disconnected from one another. So, we had baths, put them to bed, particularly thanked dd for being forthcoming, and have called it a night. They know that we're upset about the behavior, but honestly I think we've covered it. Now my experiences come in and I wonder, did we handle it correctly? Should we have been more strict, taken away a priviledge, outing, etc? It was so huge for dd to be open with us that I just don't want to lose that piece. I hate being angry with my kids as well.

I feel "out there" saying I don't know if I handled this correctly. Does anyone have a thought or two? Thanks.

[aschmied]

Hmm, *I* think you did ok. Owning up to big mistakes is HARD. It sounds from the little information one post gives that you've got a pretty connected family. It's abundantly clear to them that you are really upset. It would have been enough for me as a kid!

[Kessed]

I don't think you should take away an outing or something like that. It would make no sense.

I think that your DD's should spend a 'significant' amount of time tomorrow trying to clean the freezer. They should try at least a few different ways or chemicals to get the paint off - and hopefully a bunch of elbow grease. Personally I would include them in looking up online different ways to clean. Things like rubbing a baking soda paste - or vinegar.

It doesn't feel right to me to just let it go. That doesn't get you (or them) anywhere.

So why not get them to try to make it right. Then - if they can get the paint off - they will have spent time and effort making it better. And if they try and fail - then maybe the permanence of what they did will sink in better?

[LemonPie]

I agree with Kess, and just wanted to add that you can purchase paint specifically for refrigerators/freezers/appliances, so having them help repaint the freezer might be another option.

At least, in the grand scheme of things, the freezer is still usable and operational, right? Not in ANY way condoning or excusing what they did. Just sayin'. . . at least you can still use the freezer, even if it's ugly

Hugs!

[Kessed]

I like the paint idea.

It could be a good learning experience to have them spend some time trying to clean the paint off and then guide them towards suggesting that they could paint it. Then buy the paint and help them paint.

[karne]

Thanks everyone. I like the paint idea too. I specifically posted on this forum, even thogh my kids are older because I really appreciate the feedback from other mamas who are trying to live a gd lifestyle. It didn't feel great to feel so unsure of myself, so I appreciated the comment about our family seeming "connected". That is a really important priority to me, and as the kids get older I'm really working hard to address conflict/any behavioral issues with the goal of clear parenting, family guidelines and remaining open and connected. It's a challenge that I feel strongly is a piece of work that I have to do as a parent because my own growing up years were pretty different, KWIM?

[DevaMajka]

Ita. It seems like connection is indeed the best foundation for discipline in this case. It seems like they learned the important lessons here.
I think that punishment would only have a negative effect on the situation.

Ita with the suggestions about having the kids help clean up their mess- either by cleaning it off (can that be done?) or repainting it, or even making paintings to hang up with magnets to cover the ugly spots. For one, it will show then how their actions really affect others. For another thing, its probably better for them to leave the situation feeling that they were part of the solution, and not just feeling like they screwed up, yk?

[One_Girl]

I think you handled it fine. You might consider telling them under what circumstances they are allowed to use the spray paint and having them clean up their mess if you want the fridge the same color again. It probably looks really cool with spray paint and it might be nice for them if they can have some cardboard boxes and a can of spray paint to use on the grass with permission.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think others have covered the discipline part of this. however, I just want to jump in and remind you to keep the spray paint locked up or otherwise unreachable. Pre-teen age is a prime time for children to start "huffing" the paint to get high, which has all sorts of negative consequences. If not your child, accessible paint might be a temptation to a friend over for a playdate or other child in your home.