Hitting, Biting, Throwing 16 month old

[Jaimee]

I know that this topic has been brought up a lot, but what about for a child this young? Dd is only 16 months old. We don't say "no" to her, we always try to explain, redirect (kisses instead of biting, high fives instead of hitting), talking directly to her "that hurts mommy" and displaying the emotion (sad face), giving her the sign for pain every time she hurts someone, demonstrating gentle touches, and showing her how her actions have affected others ("see how sad he is when you hit him?"). There don't seem to be consistant triggers. Sometimes frustration when she's not getting immediate attention, maybe boredom when other kids are less active than her, but sometimes it just seems to come out of nowhere! We don't want to control her actions, but when she's just walking around slapping other kids, pulling their hair, hitting them on the head with toys, and throwing her water bottle at them despite all the above efforts, I just don't know what to do! Is it possible to solve this problem at this age? Or is this just something we have to deal with until she can really talk and understand?

TIA!

[kacymoose]

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. It takes a while for the child to figure out that isn't the way to act, so don't give up! If you know your child is in a phase where she is prone to hurting others, I think taking preventative measures would be appropriate. Consider limiting the time she is around other small children if possible. When she is around other kids, stick close and prevent the acts of aggression before they happen. Stop her hand in mid-swing or mid-throw. Granted you aren't going to be able to do it everytime, but when you aren't there to stop it, that is when you can go back to emphasing with the victim.

Karen

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My dd was like this at that same age. I have a daycare in my home, and she would get frustrated and bite. (a lot)

I put a playpen in the corner of the kitchen by the table, but out of the way, and put some special "playpen toys" in it. The playpen was only for her.

If I saw "the look" I would toss her little tush in there and she would turn her back to the other kids and play with her toys. Sometimes for 30 minutes. At first it was hard to keep the other kids from going over there and bugging her.

Within three days the agression had mostly stopped and she was asking to go in her playpen. By about age two, she would go in her room. By age three-ish someone gave her a tape recorder and she would spend an hour in the afternoon listening to music or books on tape.

She just needed some time to chill out and be alone to play with her toys.

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I put a playpen in the corner of the kitchen by the table, but out of the way, and put some special "playpen toys" in it. The playpen was only for her.

If I saw "the look" I would toss her little tush in there and she would turn her back to the other kids and play with her toys. Sometimes for 30 minutes. At first it was hard to keep the other kids from going over there and bugging her.

How did it feel to put her in the playpen? Did it feel sort of like a time out? Did it feel at all like you were isolating her? I just finished reading Unconditional Parenting and I feel very conscious of respecting her, not using punishment, and especially not using love withdrawal methods. While it seems that this trick worked well for your dd, I am curious how you felt about it and how you preceived she felt about it. Thank you for sharing as I am eager to try new methods, but unclear how to proceed.

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Originally Posted by Jaimee

How did it feel to put her in the playpen? Did it feel sort of like a time out? Did it feel at all like you were isolating her? I just finished reading Unconditional Parenting and I feel very conscious of respecting her, not using punishment, and especially not using love withdrawal methods. While it seems that this trick worked well for your dd, I am curious how you felt about it and how you preceived she felt about it. Thank you for sharing as I am eager to try new methods, but unclear how to proceed.

We called it a time out. But, it was meant in the same way you mean it when you need a time out. "Just give me ten minutes alone PLEAAASSSEEE".

I knew in my heart, that she was just really frustrated.

She was always the kind of kid that even if she and I were the only people in the house, she would go lay on the couch with a few toys and just be alone, even as a little baby. As she got older, she would spend an hour in her room looking through her toy box or lying on her bed.

So, I never felt like it was a punishment. But, more that I was protecting her from the frustration of the other kids. (they weren't doing anything wrong, she just had a low tolerance for a lot of busyness)

She never felt like it was a punishment either. She enjoyed her little spot, and the toys in it were hers only that she didn't have to share.

The only problem was she was always trying to get me to let her and her best friend in there together at other times.

Another thing that worked as she got older was for me to tell her to go clean out her toybox. She would get so involved in taking everything out and looking at it, and remembering she hadn't seen that toy in a long time. She would forget she was mad, and have a nice quiet time with her re-found toys. But, she was too young to put them all back, so I would have to go in there later and help her.

ETA: She is 15 now, and not much has changed. She still gets frustrated in groups at times. Most of the time, she loves her friends, but she realllllllly needs her space too. She comes home from school and goes in her room for a while to read, play computer or listen to her ipod. Once she has decompressed, she's fine. But, the stresses of high school social politics can really wear her down.

It's just who she is. We all like her a lot better when she's not overwhelmed.