We went round and round about this last time as he doesn't see the big deal in using our insurance to hospital birth.
I feel totally crushed. It was all we talked about in therapy last night. I was even throwing the imaginary figure of $200/monthly payments (cuz really have to make payments or this won't be working regardless) and even that much per month he was balking at (and really we COULD afford that, might have to readjust our budget to limit some random spending, but its *doable* as far as I'm concerned).
I was even snapping at our therapist last night, I mean she doesn't know a thing about homebirth and was just trying to understand and see if we could compromise somehow but I just felt so attacked. Matt doesn't understand why I can't have a natural hospital birth. He was challenging me about how *could* I know that my uterine and rectal prolapse was caused by kaiser (um lets see pitocin=hard contractions, mag. sulfate=lots of vomiting, flat on back=worst position to push in... so yeah pretty sure that the massive puking and therefore Orion flying out of my vagina without even turning his shoulders to deliver was the cause of the damage and that it's pretty likely that a homebirth wouldn't have the same thing happen).
I felt guilty saying that I felt like I was raped at the hospital, I don't like using that word lightly, but the entire time I was there it was just invasion and violating and horrific. For no fucking reason! He doesn't *get* that doctors and nurses don't have anything invested in me getting a natural birth. And really in that environment I would be stressed and upset and that would be stalling my labor. I can't even imagine now that I'm faced with panic attacks how that could affect things if I'm stuck in a hospital. I'm petrified of being the 10% who get risked out of homebirth and NEED to go to the hospital!
And I'm totally confused on top of it all. We come home, don't talk about it until like 11pm when he's asking for nookie (this totally pissed me off, like you don't SEE that I'm barely holding together over the argument in therapy?!) and I'm in bed turned away from him silently crying and when I bring it up again then he's all trying to find solutions (but um no, I can't just ask a midwife to attend the birth and no prenatal care and get a discount) and then was saying that he would LOVE to be able to have a homebirth happen for me, and that being able to do that could be a big turning point in my life (duh! Me? Who feels disimpowered and like I have no choices and feel weak because of that? Would you think a successful homebirth might help me feel a little stronger?? Naaaa!), but we have to see if we can make it work.
Well which is it??? Which way do you feel Matt?? If $200/monthly is going to be too much for your comfort then there is not a chance in hell I'm going to find a midwife to do this for less than that! So I was trying to get clarity on that and really couldn't. It seems like to him this is a luxury item, he'd *love* to give it to me, but if its going to make us tighten our belts and make less money for awhile it just doesn't seem worth it to him. I on the other hand would be taking a second job to cover it if I thought I could handle that (but no I couldn't, 55 hours a week with the daycare kids plus time outside of that for cleaning/buying groceries ect wipes me out). I've been trying to think of alternative ways to make money and save money to help out.
And really I'm deeply hurt that we have to spin around the subject again. Matt SAW the hospital birth, Matt saw how it affected me, he hears me talk about the horrible experience even now and still all this. If almost 5 years later it still makes me want to cry to think about it doesn't that mean something? My milk didn't come in. I was severely internally damaged in a manner that affects me daily. He was convinced that I was going to die and was crying so hard his mom had to bring him to the hospital. And he still doesn't get it! It'd be 'nice' to have a homebirth to him. Just 'nice'.
Even if I presented to kaiser as late in labor as I felt I could I would *still* end up with lots of interventions. Obese women have a 1 in *2* rate of c-section. They weren't happy with the readings on the external monitors and have to break the water to get internal ones in, and this isn't going to be different this time. Broken water + stuck laying flat on a bed = CAN'T FUCKING COPE Contractions. Equals epidual. Equals slowed labor. Equals pitocin/more pitocin. And hopefully it doesn't stress the baby too much and we need an "emergency" c-section. I know I'm preaching to the choir here but I'm not off in la-la land about the chances of NOT having a natural labor in the hospital. And seriously the two days I stayed there after he was born was just as horrible as the birth. Being poked every 2 hours, the horrible rooms and beds and the nagging about breastfeeding *too* much and coming into my room everyday to ask about circ'ing, it was awful!
He even said "well maybe the next child when we plan for them". But he knew I was going to fight for a homebirth. He knew before I was pregnant. When Orion was a baby I was saying that no chance in hell I'm going to the hospital if I don't need to with the next one. He even brought this up in therapy. So... perhaps if he KNEW if I got pregnant that we'd have a big expense of a homebirth.... well maybe he shoulda worn some protection when we had sex (this little babe is very loved but very unexpected).
I've briefly thought of UC'ing, but don't feel comfortable with it. I don't see Matt being a source of strength during birth without someone there to assure him that all is well. The first "I can't do this" out of my mouth and he'd have a bag packed in 5 minutes to go to the hospital. I really don't see any other compromise between Go-To-Hospital and Have-A-Homebirth. Our therapist thinks we can find a compromise but I don't see it.
And I wanted to slap him when he was talking about how *he* doesn't have any choice in the matter. I flat out told him HE wasn't giving birth. He said 'the child is half mine' and again I said HE wasn't giving birth. He has no health concerns over the safety of homebirth, so I don't get the baby being half his has a *thing* to do with it. It comes down to money, plain and simple. He even suggested CANCELLING our health insurance and just paying for the midwives instead! What?!?! What about Orion or me or him needing a doctor? What about if I risk out? "Oh well then the midwives can do whatever the doctor would do" That's not how it works and if you'd been paying any attention to all my ramblings about birth and midwives you'd KNOW that!
I seriously am just rambling on now here. I'm just so angry and upset and so very very hurt that he doesn't *get* it.
I feel totally crushed. It was all we talked about in therapy last night. I was even throwing the imaginary figure of $200/monthly payments (cuz really have to make payments or this won't be working regardless) and even that much per month he was balking at (and really we COULD afford that, might have to readjust our budget to limit some random spending, but its *doable* as far as I'm concerned).
I was even snapping at our therapist last night, I mean she doesn't know a thing about homebirth and was just trying to understand and see if we could compromise somehow but I just felt so attacked. Matt doesn't understand why I can't have a natural hospital birth. He was challenging me about how *could* I know that my uterine and rectal prolapse was caused by kaiser (um lets see pitocin=hard contractions, mag. sulfate=lots of vomiting, flat on back=worst position to push in... so yeah pretty sure that the massive puking and therefore Orion flying out of my vagina without even turning his shoulders to deliver was the cause of the damage and that it's pretty likely that a homebirth wouldn't have the same thing happen).
I felt guilty saying that I felt like I was raped at the hospital, I don't like using that word lightly, but the entire time I was there it was just invasion and violating and horrific. For no fucking reason! He doesn't *get* that doctors and nurses don't have anything invested in me getting a natural birth. And really in that environment I would be stressed and upset and that would be stalling my labor. I can't even imagine now that I'm faced with panic attacks how that could affect things if I'm stuck in a hospital. I'm petrified of being the 10% who get risked out of homebirth and NEED to go to the hospital!
And I'm totally confused on top of it all. We come home, don't talk about it until like 11pm when he's asking for nookie (this totally pissed me off, like you don't SEE that I'm barely holding together over the argument in therapy?!) and I'm in bed turned away from him silently crying and when I bring it up again then he's all trying to find solutions (but um no, I can't just ask a midwife to attend the birth and no prenatal care and get a discount) and then was saying that he would LOVE to be able to have a homebirth happen for me, and that being able to do that could be a big turning point in my life (duh! Me? Who feels disimpowered and like I have no choices and feel weak because of that? Would you think a successful homebirth might help me feel a little stronger?? Naaaa!), but we have to see if we can make it work.
Well which is it??? Which way do you feel Matt?? If $200/monthly is going to be too much for your comfort then there is not a chance in hell I'm going to find a midwife to do this for less than that! So I was trying to get clarity on that and really couldn't. It seems like to him this is a luxury item, he'd *love* to give it to me, but if its going to make us tighten our belts and make less money for awhile it just doesn't seem worth it to him. I on the other hand would be taking a second job to cover it if I thought I could handle that (but no I couldn't, 55 hours a week with the daycare kids plus time outside of that for cleaning/buying groceries ect wipes me out). I've been trying to think of alternative ways to make money and save money to help out.
And really I'm deeply hurt that we have to spin around the subject again. Matt SAW the hospital birth, Matt saw how it affected me, he hears me talk about the horrible experience even now and still all this. If almost 5 years later it still makes me want to cry to think about it doesn't that mean something? My milk didn't come in. I was severely internally damaged in a manner that affects me daily. He was convinced that I was going to die and was crying so hard his mom had to bring him to the hospital. And he still doesn't get it! It'd be 'nice' to have a homebirth to him. Just 'nice'.
Even if I presented to kaiser as late in labor as I felt I could I would *still* end up with lots of interventions. Obese women have a 1 in *2* rate of c-section. They weren't happy with the readings on the external monitors and have to break the water to get internal ones in, and this isn't going to be different this time. Broken water + stuck laying flat on a bed = CAN'T FUCKING COPE Contractions. Equals epidual. Equals slowed labor. Equals pitocin/more pitocin. And hopefully it doesn't stress the baby too much and we need an "emergency" c-section. I know I'm preaching to the choir here but I'm not off in la-la land about the chances of NOT having a natural labor in the hospital. And seriously the two days I stayed there after he was born was just as horrible as the birth. Being poked every 2 hours, the horrible rooms and beds and the nagging about breastfeeding *too* much and coming into my room everyday to ask about circ'ing, it was awful!
He even said "well maybe the next child when we plan for them". But he knew I was going to fight for a homebirth. He knew before I was pregnant. When Orion was a baby I was saying that no chance in hell I'm going to the hospital if I don't need to with the next one. He even brought this up in therapy. So... perhaps if he KNEW if I got pregnant that we'd have a big expense of a homebirth.... well maybe he shoulda worn some protection when we had sex (this little babe is very loved but very unexpected).
I've briefly thought of UC'ing, but don't feel comfortable with it. I don't see Matt being a source of strength during birth without someone there to assure him that all is well. The first "I can't do this" out of my mouth and he'd have a bag packed in 5 minutes to go to the hospital. I really don't see any other compromise between Go-To-Hospital and Have-A-Homebirth. Our therapist thinks we can find a compromise but I don't see it.
And I wanted to slap him when he was talking about how *he* doesn't have any choice in the matter. I flat out told him HE wasn't giving birth. He said 'the child is half mine' and again I said HE wasn't giving birth. He has no health concerns over the safety of homebirth, so I don't get the baby being half his has a *thing* to do with it. It comes down to money, plain and simple. He even suggested CANCELLING our health insurance and just paying for the midwives instead! What?!?! What about Orion or me or him needing a doctor? What about if I risk out? "Oh well then the midwives can do whatever the doctor would do" That's not how it works and if you'd been paying any attention to all my ramblings about birth and midwives you'd KNOW that!
I seriously am just rambling on now here. I'm just so angry and upset and so very very hurt that he doesn't *get* it.
) But don't do this if you're hospital birthing for medical reasons, because you'd need your doctor who knows your medical history.
They don't have or cover birth centers either. Kaiser is an all inclusive HMO, you can only see Kaiser Doctors and such. I've read about letters sent in saying they don't provide midwives/homebirth and therefore it should be covered, but haven't once seen any success doing that.
