momma drama

[1972momma]

So my mom has no idea that we're planning a homebirth ...

And she's not going to, because, God love her, she'd be a total fear-monger ...

Really, she's so traditional-medicine-minded that it hasn't even occurred to her to ask about our plans for the birth ... she would naturally assume I'm birthing in the hospital, etc. ...

Anyway, awhile back I'd sent her an e-mail asking her if she'd be able to visit the third week postpartum ... because, for a variety of reasons, I've been thinking it may be best not to have her energy around me at all during the first few days (I can explain more later but suffice it to say I love her but she really stresses me out) ...

So, imagine my state of flummoxation (is that a word, lol?) when she e-mails me back to say yes, she'll visit whenever it's good for us, but she still intends to visit me and the new baby in the hospital ... she's not planning to stay over, would just fly up for the day, which is very nice ... but, that she'd "feel weird not seeing her daughter and grandbaby as soon as possible."

My mom means well here, but she's not, as usual, able to look beyond herself and her own experiences and expectations ... in this case, that "when your daughter gives birth, you go see her at the hospital, dammit!" (my words, not hers. )

Anyway -- I realize we can just not call her right away ... but, I suspect I'll at least want to share the news of the birth, and frankly, even if I didn't, that I'll feel obligated to at least let her know ... and then it's going to be a whole thing about saying, well, no, don't come tomorrow, please just wait a few days.

I should add that I'm totally one of those people who's always advocating sticking up for ourselves in these situations, so of course here I am with the issue, lol. Also, my husband is great at playing gatekeeper, and I know he can handle her, so I guess I'm just worried about her hurt feelings.

Anyone have any advice on what to say to her? I'm not going to tell her about our plans to birth at home, so the question I guess is whether to call right after the birth or just wait a few days so we can have a little peace ... or, call right away but just make it clear we don't want visitors for at least a few days ... I'm thinking until my milk comes in, maybe ...

Ack -- help!

[thefragile7393]

My advice? Stick with what you want, regardless of hurt feelings, whatever. I tell you from personal experience...it was too soon to have family of any sort, but I didn't stand for what I wanted and it was ugly, very ugly.

Don't mention the hb, and stick with what you want, and you mentioned around 3 weeks. How and when to tell her, someone else can advise you on, all I can speak of is the personal experience of letting people come when you are not ready or willing for them to be there.

[Belleweather]

How much lying are you comfortable with? In your shoes, I'd probably just say that you were planning on checking out as soon as possible (or even "as soon as it's safe"), and that she might not make it to see you in the hospital but could come as soon as possible just to peek in on you.

And then call her the day after the birth.

[Ruthla]

I think her feelings would be hurt more to NOT be informed of the birth right away, than to know of the birth, get an immediate photo via email, yet have to wait a few days to see the baby.

I wouldn't resort to "not telling her about the birth until the baby is a week old" unless you're out of options. As in, you've told her that you won't want her to come right away and she says "well, I'm going to come and see my grandbaby even if you explicitely tell me not to come!"

Try to communicate that you'll be recovering from birth, the baby will be rooming in with you and not in the nursury (so she can't think she can visit the hospital and peek through the glass and not disturb you) and please don't come before we ask you to. It might feel "weird" to you, but we're the parents now and you need to respect my wishes as a fellow adult.

[srlpenny]

My two cents ... are you going to be able to keep the secret of a home birth forever? No pictures, stories for your lo, etc?
If you don't think that's realistic her feelings will most likely be much less hurt by telling her: "Mom, we're having a homebirth attended by a (insert positive description of attendee here). I understand this may make you uncomfortable, but I would love to share the research we consulted with you. If you cannot accept this then we will not discuss it with you at all, but this is our decision, and it is final." Then if she can't stop berating you, have dh talk to her.
But my humble opinion is that the damage to your relationship with her over having a hb will be much less than that of having a hb AND lying to her about it for however long you do before you eventually get caught.
I hope this doesn't sound to harsh, I understand what you are going through, we just had to go through the same decision making process in telling my father, who lost his mother due to post-partum hemorrhage so is understandably uncomfortable with birth in general. We did tell him before the birth, and he dealt with it well, but before that our plan had been to tell him we were working with a Midwife to give us support before we went to the hospital, and then call him after the birth and say the we just ended up at home by accident, all went well, baby is healthy so we won't be going to the hospital at all.
Alright I'm done, really I hope this didn't feel to nasty or soapboxish....

[Beeblebrox]

I think the most important part is not letting her fear mongering effect the birth. Since she'll visit after the birth, there isn't much harm she can do at that point except to maybe "thank goodness nothing went wrong" you to death . In which case you can say, "you're right, so now lets enjoy our time together."

[Belle]

Originally Posted by Beeblebrox

I think the most important part is not letting her fear mongering effect the birth. Since she'll visit after the birth, there isn't much harm she can do at that point except to maybe "thank goodness nothing went wrong" you to death . In which case you can say, "you're right, so now lets enjoy our time together."

:

My mom was driving me nuts for my hb. She would come over uninvited just to "check" on me. I already knew I didn't want her around me in labor. She was present for my dd#1's birth in the hospital and stressed me out then.

It was so much better to call her just after the birth and she came over to dote on her granddaughter instead of bugging me.

[dogmom327]

When was she planning on you calling her anyway? If you call when the baby is born or within a few hours (seriously I admire those people who can get it together enough to call immediately) and she has to drive or fly from any sort of distance, isn't there a reasonable chance you'd have been discharged anyway? My sister begged and was granted a quick discharge 8 hours after her son's birth. When you call and she says she'll be there the next day or whatever, you can just say you'll be home (true statement!). When she shows up you can tell her the truth or not--totally up to you. This doesn't address keeping her away for a few days (which I completely understand!), but if you end up with her coming in for the day, then at least this would help preserve some peace. Plus, I think that for some people, going to the hospital to visit is the big deal and if you are already home ("discharged") by then, maybe she'll just wait a few days as you request.

[courtenay_e]

When we planned our homebirth with our second we TOTALLY did not tell his family a THING. We would have been hauranged to DEATH. The plans were to just call them afterward, tell them that the baby had been born at home, and that they would be welcome to visit when we called back to say that we had slept.

No explanations necessary beforehand (sil is a nurse and fil is a paramedic and in their family doctors are the be all and end all, no questions asked...it would have been HELL during the pregnancy--my wedding taught me some HUGE lessons, so we didnt go there!), and if they wanted to see the baby, they'd keep their mouthes shut afterward, too.

My mother DID know. She was outwardly VERY supportive, but inwardly terrified. As well as she kept her mouth shut, I didn't care! She knew alllll the reasons I chose homebirth. I made her read before she commented. *shrug*

You tell the people who will be supportive, so you have made a wise choice if your mother won't be supportive. Afterward, if you want to tell the truth, go for it, if you want to tell a variation thereof, go for it. It is your birth and your post partum. Honestly, if she is literally going to come, snap eighteen rolls of pictures in a single hour, and rush off again, and then come back in three weeks to "help" you? If she is TRUELY going to do that, and you can trust that that is what is going to happen...I wouldn't rob her of it. If she will give you crap, then wait, or tell partial truths (we stayed home too long, went in to get checked out, everything was fine, so we came home...we really need our rest to acclimate/come to terms with the rapidity of the labor).

[armychicmkm]

I really don't want anybody at my hb except mw and dh but I have agreed to call the in-laws when I'm in labor so they can drive down (it's over a 20 hour drive) and I'm putting off having dh call my mother till I'm close to pushing. Her plane ride will take about 4-6 hours. I'm hoping this puts everybody here after I'm done and cleaned up but soon enough to satisfy them.

As for telling - hubby tells his parents everything and this was no exception. They're mostly supportive though so that's ok. Completely NOT telling my parents until after baby is out. I do not want to deal with the lectures. I'm hoping my mother is so overwhelmed at the site of her first grandchild that she won't even notice that I'm home and not in hospital! Maybe that's wishful thinking but I don't care right now!

[1972momma]

srlpenny, you weren't harsh at all. No worries. To answer your questions, I'm due in about 6 weeks, and my mom lives a fairly significant plane ride away (and will not be visiting before the birth), so it's actually totally feasible for us to keep our plans from her. So, that part is not a concern, and yes, I am completely confident that we're making the right call in not telling her about it beforehand.

We definitely plan to spill the beans after the birth, though. I have no reason to lie after the fact -- just before, to spare us all the haranguing disguised as "discussion."

So, a little more background on my mom's craziness, for anyone who's interested in reading:

Someone asked if she would really just blitz in and out, and the answer is, probably not quite. She'll be flying in, so I expect she'll want to arrive in the morning and depart in the evening, which will mean an entire day of dealing with her ...

And yes, I know she's my mom, but she's not the supportive, non-judgmental kind of mom that so many of you have described. In addition to, I'm sure, wanting to talk about our choice, she will bring with her a very frenetic energy. She talks loudly, asks a lot of questions, wants to be helpful but needs so much direction in the minutiae of tasks that it ends up being more work for the helpee than if she weren't there at all, spills her opinions freely and without filters, has very few boundaries in general ... kwim?

Also, I do have some history to go on here. She was here for the birth of our second (at the hospital), and while she was somewhat helpful afterward, she was just plain miserable in others. Get this: I had horrible hemorrhoids, and for some reason this really tickled my mom's 4th-grade funny bone ... ... and, literally, she actually giggled a couple of times while I was complaining about how much they hurt (seriously, I was almost in tears) ... so, not a whole lot of sensitivity there ...

Also, I guess I didn't like having her witness the forming of our new family ... it was a hard transition for our firstborn, and rather than helping me feel confident that it would be OK in the long run, she kept commenting on how hurt our firstborn seemed to be feeling ... soooooooooo not what this hormonal postpartum woman needed!!!!!

In short, I know I will be feeling vulnerable, and I've learned that my mom is not someone with whom I feel emotionally safe. So, mom+recent birth is probably a bad combo.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for your very thoughtful responses. We've been talking about it all day, of course, and I think we've come up with a pretty good solution ...

My husband is much better than I am at managing my mom, so he's going to be in charge of calling her (and everyone else, really) after the birth. I assume we'll wait as long as possible -- at least a few hours, but not so long that she starts thinking she's the last one to know or something ...

We'll have to decide ahead of time when to give her the green light -- definitely not the day of, but maybe on day three or something like that, if I can stand it, although honestly I'm kind of beginning to lean toward just enforcing the three-week wait I talked about earlier. Has anyone else made their mom wait that long? Does that sound harsh? I'm really just trying to protect myself as best I know how.

Thanks everyone.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by 1972momma

Does that sound harsh? I'm really just trying to protect myself as best I know how.

Thanks everyone.

Harsh? It's not a punishment. And if she claims that it is, remind her that she should be thinking about what is in YOUR best interest (and you agree with your midwife that you need three weeks of rest and you will not be up to entertaining guests).

[19spitfire]

hmmm...
three weeks does seem like quite a while to me, but she's your mom. You know best.
What if when your dh called her he told her about the homebirth and at that point did say that your midwife said to wait XXXamount of time before having guests over for more than an hour or so?

[ckumelos]

I have exactly the same kind of mother. I didn;t tell her I was having a homebirth for the same reasons as you dont want to tell yours. Well, somebody accidentally let it slip to my mom, and I was shocked and amazed that she was not accusatory and angry. She actually gave me 10 minutes to explain to her my reasons, and although she didn't agree with me and was worried the whole pregnancy about it, she was actually tolerant. Totally caught me by surprise. I think that after she saw me as a mother as well as a daughter, she kind of started to treat me a little more like an equal.

Just a note - she was hurt that I didn;t want to share my birth plans with her, and it kind of opened her eyes to the fact that she'd not have the kind of relationahip she wanted with me and new grandbaby if she continued to not give me and my choices respect.

[1972momma]

ckumelos ... right, I hear you, AND I know I was much more open/hopeful of new possibilities with her before our first was born ... I hoped that she would see me as a mother as well as a daughter and that it would change our relationship, etc. ... but alas, this is our third, so I have a pretty good idea of what she's capable of, and not capable of, with regard to her relationship with me, and I guess I can't see setting myself up for the same kind of disappointment/anger/aggravation that a visit with her usually entails ...

So, I know, I asked for opinions, and obviously I'm going to do what I'm going to do anyway ... lol, sigh ...

It's always so complicated!

[barefootpoetry]

You could always call later and say you were not feeling well before and didn't want any visitors right away if you wanted to wait a while and preserve a little window of privacy after the baby is born. I'm sure that would soothe the hurt feelings a bit.

If she wants to be difficult about either not seeing the babe right away or about you having a homebirth, then she can leave. I'd hope that she would rather clam up and play nice so she could see her new grandbaby rather than ruin it and be kicked out because she was a jerk.

I am a little worried about DH's dad pulling a similar stunt, since he is the type that thinks he knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING, even stuff he has absolutely zero knowledge on. The minute he opens his mouth to give me a lecture, I am prepared to say, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you came over to see the new baby, not to give me sh!t about a choice I made that has nothing to do with you." And if he doesn't get it, he gets shown to the door. I am SO not putting up with anyone's crap, least of all his!

[Bellabaz]

I just directly told my father taht We really did not want visitors for the first week as we have a lot to adjust to and would be very overwhelmed. I am generally blunt with my fam though so this was no different. And it was mainly because he would be bringng his girlfriend who I can't stand and I really did not need that stress.

[pokeyrin]

Originally Posted by 1972momma

And yes, I know she's my mom, but she's not the supportive, non-judgmental kind of mom that so many of you have described.

Get this: I had horrible hemorrhoids, and for some reason this really tickled my mom's 4th-grade funny bone ... ... and, literally, she actually giggled a couple of times while I was complaining about how much they hurt (seriously, I was almost in tears) ... so, not a whole lot of sensitivity there ...

First of all , just because they gave birth to us doesn't automatically mean they are healthy and nurturing mothers to us. Some are very blessed to have a mother who is and there are those of us who are not quite as blessed.

And what kind of mother finds it funny and laughs when their child is in obvious pain? My best-friend had horrible hemorrhoids after the birth of her 1st and I just felt awful that I couldn't do anything to help her ease her pain and it was definitely NOT funny. :

That history of behavior alone would rule out anyone, parent or not from ever being around me after I've been through something that physically and emotionally exhausting where I am at my most vulnerable.

Originally Posted by 1972momma

We'll have to decide ahead of time when to give her the green light -- definitely not the day of, but maybe on day three or something like that, if I can stand it, although honestly I'm kind of beginning to lean toward just enforcing the three-week wait I talked about earlier. Has anyone else made their mom wait that long? Does that sound harsh? I'm really just trying to protect myself as best I know how.

Your first priority is to take care of yourself and your baby. That means you have the right to take as long as you need until you're ready. I'm a very private person and I don't like anyone but DH to be around me when I'm not 100% emotionally and physically. I've made it very clear to him that I don't want any visitors until I'm good and ready and that could mean 1 week or 3 weeks.

We are expecting our 1st child and I personally feel it's very important that we alone bond as a family before we invite anyone to visit. Some people enjoy close relationships with their family that they want them around during this time and some don't. It doesn't make one right and the other wrong, it's just everyone has their own individual situations and they need to do what's right and comfortable for them.

So, No...I don't think it's harsh at all to ask anyone to wait 3 weeks until they can see you or the baby. It's not about them, it's about you and it would be pretty selfish of anyone who made you feel bad about needing to take time after the birth of your baby rather than being supportive of your needs at a vulnerable time.

Don't feel bad, guilty or selfish that you make your Mom wait. She's already proven to you that she is not a nurturing or supportive person to have around. But rather she is someone to be dealt with and someone who makes you feel worse. Having her around when you're not ready to handle her yet will only cause you stress which is not healthy for you or baby.

Just remember there is never any good reason to subject yourself to someone else's toxic behavior no matter how mild it may be. Toxic is toxic and if it affects you, then it should be kept at a distance. It took me a long time to learn that and I'm much happier for it.

[zoebird]

just inform her that you do not want anyone to visit on the birth day because you want family time to bond.

that's really all that she needs to know--you simply do not want visitors before 3 weeks PP.

[luckymamato2]

Originally Posted by 1972momma

I'm kind of beginning to lean toward just enforcing the three-week wait I talked about earlier. Has anyone else made their mom wait that long? Does that sound harsh? I'm really just trying to protect myself as best I know how.

Thanks everyone.

Yes I made my MIL and mother wait. MIL came when dd was 1 week old and stayed for 1 week. My mom came the day MIL left and stayed for 1 week. I prefer my MIL to my mom, and felt she would be more helpful so I had her come first. I may have seemed like an evil bitch to them and others, but it was the best thing for me. Even with my MIL there so early it was difficult to co-habitate and let her help me. I wanted to do and be everything for both my babies (they are 16 months apart). I was, and still am, fiercely independent and protective of my babies. I am letting go as they get older - it's quite easy to leave them, even overnight, with MIL. But a newborn/infant is different and physically needs mama, not a grandma. We live much closer now (there is no reason they couldn't theoretically be here 30-40 minutes after a birth), but I would still want to keep people away for at least a few days so I could enjoy a new baby - if there is another in store for us.