When people confuse your child not listening with lax parenting.

[Hazelnut]

I feel like this is really common, and it drives me CRAZY. Obviously it gets into societal expectations that children should obey every command a parent makes. Maybe I'm too ap for some people, but I can also be quite strict. I'm very sensitive about not disrespecting other people's children and paranoid about not bothering people in public, so it's not like I don't try.

But when there IS "undesirable" behavior, and you attempt to stop it, or say something, or ignore it, or struggle with it, or divert it, or whatever, it seems that if I don't have immediate effectiveness there is some childless person or person with one little baby or much older person there to tsk tsk me. My older 5yo son definitely is challenging at times. He has always been very persistent, but I'm not necessarily even talking about those occasions where I am super frustrated with his not listening. I'm just talking about run of the mill stuff.

I just had an incident at the library where an older person lectured me about kids being the parents, b/c my 2yo was having a mini meltdown as we struggled to get out the door. Not like I wasn't trying...but I had other kids with me. And then yesterday my (childless) friend was over and told my son really brusquely to "Be Quiet!" when he was too noisy around her and didn't immediately pipe down when I asked him to use a quieter voice. I had asked him to tone it down but was changing a diaper and didn't think being noisy in his own home really warranted stopping my activity and removing him from the room, wtf. She had already been venting about parents being too lax, though she is great with kids until they do something she doesn't like.


I understand that it's frustrating when kids are acting up in public or hurting someone and the parent doesn't do anything. I dislike that too! But I would never just shake my head if the parents is handling it, but just not the way I see fit, or not with immediate results. But over and over I see some people confusing not having immediate control over their behavior with no control, laxness, not being strict enough. I just don't get. it. Do they really think it's that easy? They're not robots. Even my more easy-going ds2 doesn't jump when I snap my fingers.

What do you do in situations like this? Does it bother you? How do you ignore it?

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

Interesting thread, this happend to me and ds at ChickFilA this week. We normally go once a week for lunch and i let ds paly for as long as he desires...well some days i'm ready to go before he is but any ways...this day. I went into the play place and said.."ok lets go"..now i've told him about 3 times already you have 15 min..10 min..5 min...and by now i'm ready to go..but not really enforcing it like OMg..we have to go right now...so i say lets go and my 3 1/2 yo ds says..."no"...and this grandpa who was there with whom ever said "he told you"...What? I said to the grandpa..."no he didnt tell me, we will leave when we are all ready to leave." And i walked out and sat down and less than 2 min later my ds came out and said "lets go mommy. I've also noticed on our weekly trips for lunch that some mamas make there kids eat all there food before they can go and play. I see no reason in being such a stickler...the kids will eat when he/she is ready. My little guy runs to the play place and comes back to the table to eat when he gets hungry...no issues at all. By the time we leave he's ate all his food and he had a great time playing.

[S.Lee]

I have experienced that with 2yo ds. from some family more than strangers. Well actually I am just too busy trying to keep up with him for anything strangers say to register. My mom assures me all is totally normal and ds will outgrow it, which is very helpful on those days when he says NO to everything-usually he does what was asked 2seconds after telling me no. Gotta go he's up and hungry! anyway I mostly ignore people or give one of those fake haha aren't you not funny laughs and keep going.

[aschmied]

Yeah, but it helps that sometimes strangers give you pats on the back, too. I've gotten

"It can be a hard age for everyone" *sympathetic smile*
"Mamma, you're doing a fabulous job in a hard situation"

and a lot of encouraging "btdt" looks.

[lyttlewon]

Originally Posted by Hazelnut

I just had an incident at the library where an older person lectured me about kids being the parents, b/c my 2yo was having a mini meltdown as we struggled to get out the door. Not like I wasn't trying...but I had other kids with me. And then yesterday my (childless) friend was over and told my son really brusquely to "Be Quiet!" when he was too noisy around her and didn't immediately pipe down when I asked him to use a quieter voice. I had asked him to tone it down but was changing a diaper and didn't think being noisy in his own home really warranted stopping my activity and removing him from the room, wtf. She had already been venting about parents being too lax, though she is great with kids until they do something she doesn't like.

Oh man there is nothing that will make me go off more than this! I have an issue with DH being obsessed with what people think of DD in public to the point where he is unfair. We battle about it all the time. If I had someone say something to me I would probably be very angry and would tell them to mind their own buisness or "If you can't control your mouth at your age why do you expect my two year old to?" I have said that exact thing to DH actually . I would have told your friend that too. What was going on that was so important she needed to make him feel like that in his own home? How would she feel if he told HER to be quiet? People only tell my children what to do when it is a danger issue or maybe "can you close the door". I have to admit I am bossy but I only boss other peoples children around when they are being dangerous or say pushing DS.

[Momtwice]

This just tells me that those people have control issues and were probably parented unkindly or inconsistently when they were small.

You sound like a kind and sensible mama.

[Nan'sMom]

If anyone talks to my child harshly I tend to immediately correct that person, loudly enough so my children can hear and understand their interests are being looked out for. I also tend not to hang out with people who don't understand and/or respect my gentle parenting style. It tends to cause too much stress.

In general though I've found people to be pretty positive. Usually if I don't want interference/help from others during tough times I'll turn my back to people so that the child in question is shielded. This also helps me not to worry about what others are thinking.

Really though, I find that carefully choosing friends to spend time with is a huge help along these lines. That way if they do help, it tends to actually be helpful and not shaming to my children and (in the case of the friends with children) I get to see good parenting in action, which helps me in my parenting journey.

[Zach'smom]

I hate it, hate it, hate it when other people try to corect or discipline MY child in MY home when I am right there. I cannot tell you how many times I have told my childless sil that "I will handle it". She will try to discipline ds when she is visiting my home and I am right there.:

Unless it is an extreme situation, people really need to just mind their own business.

[nathansmum]

Oh yeah, just dealt with it last night at my parents house...

We were there for dinner and getting ready to go. I just say to my ds, hey, time to go shortly but not hurrying him along or making a deal of him fluffing around finishing what he was doing and step-dad said "who's in control here?". Um, my reply "no body's in control" (me meaning that I had no intention of there being any) and his reply was "yeah, that's obvious". Grrr - I need to rephrase that obviously lol. He then said it later on as the kids were taking their time to get in the car, same thing, no big deal on my part but obviously I wasn't "controlling" the situation to my step-dad's liking and he took it as me being lax opposed to just doing it in our own time (it's not like we took an hour to get out of their house or anything nor that the kids were running around purposefully ignoring us - they know they don't need to do that coz there is no rush in this instance and were actually getting towards going, just not as "quick smart" as what he might have expected.

Oh well, I just keep on saying that there is no one in control and I might throw in next time that there is no intention of any that I'm not there to be the boss. He was a very controlling person when we were kids and still is - at least now I have the guts and know how to stick up for myself and my kids when he tries it on with them.

[Hazelnut]

Originally Posted by Zach'smom

I hate it, hate it, hate it when other people try to corect or discipline MY child in MY home when I am right there. I cannot tell you how many times I have told my childless sil that "I will handle it". She will try to discipline ds when she is visiting my home and I am right there.:

Unless it is an extreme situation, people really need to just mind their own business.

Yes, actually, anyone disciplining my child WHEN I AM RIGHT THERE drives me crazy, even when they're nice about it. Sometimes I think they mean well, but I always feel like the implication is that I'm not doing it right. But sometimes you get the sense that they think you just aren't strict enough, when actually their expectations are just silly. Even mainstream parents I know don't have magic control of their kids. It's hard.

This particular friend has always been really judgmental and pretty opinionated. The whole thing was weird. I'm not comfortable with confrontation (I think she knew I was pissed though) but I don't intend to get together with her anymore if my kids are around. What's so maddening is I always ask if she can come when my mom is over or when dh is home, so we can chat without interruptions as she lives overseas now and only visits a couple times a year. But she usually has some reason why that's a bad time. Doesn't want to drive in the rain or something stupid. Gotta love it.

[bscal]

Just had to deal with this last weekend. My sister attempts to discipline my kids rather harshly for stuff that I feel is no big deal. Like, um, they were GIGGLING TOO LOUDLY!! My girls (5 1/2 and 2 1/2) were playing with her DD (3 1/2) and she started yelling at all 3 of them for being too loud. They were in the playroom together at my parents' house and they hadn't seen each other in quite some time. Of course they were excited to play together and having fun, not shrieking or anything, just being kids. I pulled her out of the playroom by one arm and had a chat with her in the other room. I told her to take the stick out of her butt and leave my kids alone, they weren't being disruptive so she should let them have fun. I get so ticked off when other ppl think they can discipline my kids. My middle child is very sensitive too and will burst into tears and sob for 20 minutes if someone raises their voice to her... it really scares her.

As for ppl in public... I hope ppl have the sense not to say anything ugly to me... I have no problem cussing them out for butting into my business. I'll handle my kids' behavior thanks.

For the poster who mentioned her kids taking their time and her step dad giving her a hard time about it... I always tell people that my kids like to take time to smell the roses and maybe count them too! It typically takes us 15 -20 minutes to get into the car once my rose bush starts blooming. Tell your step dad next time that y'all are practicing being turtles... and then smile and say "Slow and steady wins the race!" (My Dad is similar... he gets a bit impatient... but I always tell him I'm in no rush.)

Beth

[hedgewitch]

Originally Posted by bscal

Just had to deal with this last weekend. My sister attempts to discipline my kids rather harshly for stuff that I feel is no big deal. Like, um, they were GIGGLING TOO LOUDLY!!

Seriously?! Whenever we have more than two kids in the house we always notice how we feel slightly deaf afterwards! Noisy kids are usually having a good time, everyone I know just shouts over them to be heard

[go0ber]

Originally Posted by hedgewitch

Seriously?! Whenever we have more than two kids in the house we always notice how we feel slightly deaf afterwards! Noisy kids are usually having a good time, everyone I know just shouts over them to be heard

my mom used to yell and scream at my sister and i (4 years apart, i am oldest) if we were giggling too much or "being wild" as she called it. especially during car trips or at dinner. i always wondered, why on earth would you complain if your two children were actually getting along? it boggles the mind.

[DaytonsMom]

I already have these problems too, and ds is only 14 months old. I'm sure it just gets better, especially when he learns to talk. My mom is usually the worse!! But the other day we were leaving my parents house and i was trying to put ds in the stroller and he was not having any of it!! so i pick him up and tell him D mommy's going to put you in the stroller and you can eat your grapes while we walk home. Cause it's time to go bye bye. My dad then says oh yea explain it to him that'll help! And then guess what I put him in a buckeled him and he started eating grapes no problem!! It was such a great moment!! I hate that people think that just because he's little I can't explain stuff to him or expect him to have his own opinion!!

[bscal]

Originally Posted by hedgewitch

Seriously?! Whenever we have more than two kids in the house we always notice how we feel slightly deaf afterwards! Noisy kids are usually having a good time, everyone I know just shouts over them to be heard

Exactly! I tell my sister this all the time, noisy giggling children are having fun! (It's when they get quiet that you have to worry!) DH gets a bit overwhelmed if we have friends over and end up with a houseful of kids. My one friend has 3 boys that are 6 1/2, 5, and 7 mos and with 6 busy kids in the house it is a bit loud. I just tell the kids to play in the playroom or outside and we talk over the noise. Sometimes DH puts his headphones on just for a bit of peace... or volunteers to run to the store! It doesn't bother me.

Goober - the only time I tell my kids to settle down is if they are shrieking really loud while I'm driving, especially if it's rainy or dark. I need to be able to concentrate on driving safely and sometimes that shrill tone isn't helpful. I am trying to teach them that they need to have an inside voice in the car so the driver can operate the car safely. That's just the respectful thing to do. I don't scream at them for it though.

Beth

[hedgewitch]

Originally Posted by go0ber

wondered, why on earth would you complain if your two children were actually getting along? it boggles the mind.

Poor you guys, that is silly. My mum used to get fed up when we were fighting but not when we got along!

Originally Posted by DaytonsMom

My dad then says oh yea explain it to him that'll help! And then guess what I put him in a buckeled him and he started eating grapes no problem!! It was such a great moment!!

:nana: Yay! So actually yes it does help!

Originally Posted by bscal

noisy giggling children are having fun!
Beth

I know it can be overwhelming when you have a few kids over, I actually feel the same as does my dp. But if you plan for it and realise that it isn't for too long and enjoy that they are having a good time them

I know we all have days where we can't cope or things get on top of us, but habitually stifling fun seems really counter productive. As a pp said, it is when it all goes silent I come running!

[urpedonmommy]

Ok, I totally agree with the posters here, for the most part. I think just about every parent, GD or otherwise, has gotten the rotten looks and rude comments from strangers, and it fries me. I'm not sure why other people (especially those who have no children!!!) feel the right to critcise a parent/child over run-of-the mill kid behavior.
But...what about a situation like this--I have a neighbor whose son is the same age as mine (4.5). I know his mom is not 100% GD, but she doesn't spank. She just does nothing. Now, yelling, wrestling, etc. are completely to be expected and don't bother me, but this kid can be a menace--bullying, shoving from behind, breaking toys, hitting, cursing, and destroying our property (ripping limbs off of trees, scattering edging blocks, digging up the garden) His mom sits there and says, "no honey, don't do that" and he keeps on, and she acts like it's not happening. Over and over and over. My son has ended up bloodied more than once. Now, I know that the op specifically says

[I'm very sensitive about not disrespecting other people's children and paranoid about not bothering people in public, so it's not like I don't try.

but I wonder if you all think that its ok for another parent to step in a situation like this? I've been stopping the boy, and telling him no and he actually listens to me, but reading your posts makes me wonder if I'm overstepping my bounds? By the way, although we try, we cannot comletely avoid the neighbors, unless we just never leave the house--we've tried.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by urpedonmommy

but I wonder if you all think that its ok for another parent to step in a situation like this? I've been stopping the boy, and telling him no and he actually listens to me, but reading your posts makes me wonder if I'm overstepping my bounds? By the way, although we try, we cannot comletely avoid the neighbors, unless we just never leave the house--we've tried.

It's perfectly ok to ask a menacing guest to leave. So I'd let him know the next time, as soon as he arrives, that if he can't play nicely and follow the house rules he'll have to go home.

[Xenopus]

Originally Posted by Mamato3wild ponnie

I've also noticed on our weekly trips for lunch that some mamas make there kids eat all there food before they can go and play. I see no reason in being such a stickler...the kids will eat when he/she is ready. My little guy runs to the play place and comes back to the table to eat when he gets hungry...no issues at all. By the time we leave he's ate all his food and he had a great time playing.

I like your style.

I am not a big fan of "compulsory eating." Sure, take a LO to an incredibly distracting place for a meal, and then expect them to sit like little robots and eat until they are done, then go and play on command - ugh.

As long as DD gets enough to eat, I don't care how it gets into her. Especially at restaurants! Stuffing their tummies is a good way to build unhealthy attitudes toward, food IMHO - but that's probably a whole other thread.

Blessings, other GD Mamas.
-Xen

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by lyttlewon

"If you can't control your mouth at your age why do you expect my two year old to?"

I love that!

And have memorized it to use in future necessary situations.