Toy Snatching

[boigrrrlwonder]

Your young, pre-verbal toddler snatches a toy out of another child's hand and refuses to give it back. The other kid is crying/fighting for it. What do *you* do?

[One_Girl]

This doesn't happen much anymore because dd is 5, but when she was younger I would tell her something like "give it back it is not your turn" and then if she refused I would tell her "I am going to help you give it back." I usually told her inbetween those two statements something about how her friend was feeling and I am glad I took the time to do that because now I can usually just say something quick about how her friend looks and ask her how she can help him feel better.

[Fuamami]

"Uh-oh, L wasn't done with his turn! Here, let me trade you for this beautiful sparkly XYZ!"

"Can you throw it in the bucket? Put the marker in the bucket! Yay!"

"Here, hand it to R! Put it in her hand so she can play with it!"

This is what I do about a million times a day around here. Though obviously my toddler has some verbal skills. How pre-verbal do you mean?

[Justmee]

Pretty much what the PP does, I had 3 non verbal kids here for a while and toy snatching was an all too often occurance. Thankfully, this too does pass! If I needed to I would take away from the snatcher, I know a lot of people don't believe in that, and in theory I wouldn't also, but "use your words" doesn't work too well with three non verbal kids who can't even say "mama" yet .

[ann_of_loxley]

This has happened twice...I will point out first though, that I think its very important to never 'snatch' out of your own childs hands - otherwise that just sends them mixed messages - the 'dont snatch!' - then *statch! from them lol

If the parents are nearby - I quickly explain this to them 'I do not want to enforce snatching by doing to my child what I would not like them to do - so I will not force the toy out of their hands' - surprisingly I have explained this the times it has happened and they have completly understood.

Also - do not shame. I think its important to teach our children empathy - why should be not take a toy from someone else? Point out how the other child is feeling, obviously they are crying so they are very upset. What can we do about that? (if they are pre - verbal this your que to act - if they are verbal, then its good to bet their feedback!) - But dont say something like 'Look what you did - look how you made them feel!' because then that is just plain shaming.

Then focus on the victim. You can talk to your child about it later - I suppose its also along the same line that you dont want to give them attention for the negative behaviour - it cant go ignored of course, but the child who is upset needs consoling and needs the attention. You can ask your child if they would like to give the toy back but if they dont - what do you do?.... You deal with the hurt child, you talk to them about their feelings, you ask what perhaps you can do to help them feel better. If they are pre verbal, again this is your que to act - go get them a similar toy, show the a different toy, suggest a new fun activity, etc

So - there are a number of things you can do but I think its important to remember what not to do first.

[boigrrrlwonder]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

This has happened twice...I will point out first though, that I think its very important to never 'snatch' out of your own childs hands - otherwise that just sends them mixed messages - the 'dont snatch!' - then *statch! from them lol

If the parents are nearby - I quickly explain this to them 'I do not want to enforce snatching by doing to my child what I would not like them to do - so I will not force the toy out of their hands' - surprisingly I have explained this the times it has happened and they have completly understood.

Thank you for this. I'll admit, that I've been snatching the toy out of her hand. : I just feel so much pressure to get the toy out of her hand right away when my kid has made another kid cry - but felt really guilty afterwards every time. So, hearing how you explained it to parents, so that I have time to try and gently coax her to give it up; that helps.

[ann_of_loxley]

Originally Posted by boigrrrlwonder

Thank you for this. I'll admit, that I've been snatching the toy out of her hand. : I just feel so much pressure to get the toy out of her hand right away when my kid has made another kid cry - but felt really guilty afterwards every time. So, hearing how you explained it to parents, so that I have time to try and gently coax her to give it up; that helps.

I feel the pressure too...in fact, I think most parents on MDC probably feel the pressure from the 'mainstream' in most everything they do - from the toy snatching issue to breastfeeding, co sleeping...etc... It is something I am getting comfrotable with the more confident I am getting with my parenting skills!

The toy snatching thing was the easiest to explain to other parents tbh with you... Its the one thing I have said in the heat of the moment that they have actually stopped and though 'omg yeah! - that totally makes sense!'...So whilst they usually do not agree with my parenting stragies - I have at least let them know that I do care, that I do not think the behaviour was acceptable and that I am activly trying to do something about it (even if that is just conforting their child for my DCs behaviour) - even if that is what they wouldnt personally do in that situation...it sort of lets them know I am not being 'permissive' - because I feel thats part of the pressure as well...I get that feeling a lot iykwim.

[eli janine]

OK, so what do you do when you do say all of those things ("Avery, Brother's turn. Please give it to Brother! Yay, give the toy to Brother now! Here, Brother, give him this other toy to trade with!) and your toddler then begins holding the toy out to the older child, smiling like he's going to give it back, but then snatches it back away out of reach, giggling like a maniac the whole time (Brother is four y.o. and screeching in a really non-attachment-promoting way, btw)? Repeat scenario approximately thirty-seven times per hour that children are together. Fun game.

[kathteach]

I'm in a similar situation as Elissa so I would like to hear from more mamas too.

DS1 who is two will grab a toy from DS2 who is 8 months old and scream when I ask him to give it back. To pacify DS2 I find something he will like but DS1 will immediately want the new toy because his brother has it and so on and so on. I would like a better way of dealing with this.

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

This has happened twice...I will point out first though, that I think its very important to never 'snatch' out of your own childs hands - otherwise that just sends them mixed messages - the 'dont snatch!' - then *statch! from them lol

If the parents are nearby - I quickly explain this to them 'I do not want to enforce snatching by doing to my child what I would not like them to do - so I will not force the toy out of their hands' - surprisingly I have explained this the times it has happened and they have completly understood.

Also - do not shame. I think its important to teach our children empathy - why should be not take a toy from someone else? Point out how the other child is feeling, obviously they are crying so they are very upset. What can we do about that? (if they are pre - verbal this your que to act - if they are verbal, then its good to bet their feedback!) - But dont say something like 'Look what you did - look how you made them feel!' because then that is just plain shaming.

Then focus on the victim. You can talk to your child about it later - I suppose its also along the same line that you dont want to give them attention for the negative behaviour - it cant go ignored of course, but the child who is upset needs consoling and needs the attention. You can ask your child if they would like to give the toy back but if they dont - what do you do?.... You deal with the hurt child, you talk to them about their feelings, you ask what perhaps you can do to help them feel better. If they are pre verbal, again this is your que to act - go get them a similar toy, show the a different toy, suggest a new fun activity, etc

So - there are a number of things you can do but I think its important to remember what not to do first.

This is SUCH a tough situation for me!!! I am really interested to read other responses because I haven't found a way of dealing with this that feels right to me. The only thing that *does* feel good is to try to prevent the grab in the first place. When dd has a friend over, I stay very close. If I see a grab coming, I say "I'm not going to let you grab that toy from X. You can say 'please,' you can ask him if he'll trade for this cool sparkly toy. If he still doesn't want to share, we will come back and ask him again in a minute." that kind of thing.

But once the grab happens, I haven't found a way of dealing with it that feels good. I am actually back at the place where I feel best about taking the toy back and giving it to the original user--again explaining "I can't let you grab that toy from X. You can say please...etc" and trying to get her to learn strategies for telling someone she wants the toy. This feels good for the most part, except when you glance away, glance back and both kids are screaming...you don't know who 'started with it' and you don't know who "should" get it.

I have been really interested in the approach described by Ann_of_Loxley above and have tried it many times, but I think I am finding that it's not working for me. My dd is WAY too grabby for me to be comfortable letting her "get away" when she does manage to grab something without trying to giving her some tools on how she COULD do things differently. She does it on a daily (no, hourly) basis and has done so since she could get that pudgy little fist around a toy (I must be understanding your post wrong, 'cause there's no way this has only ever happened to you twice, right?)

She's also not one to be distracted. Hoo boy no (I always feel really frustrated when people talk about distraction--I know it's a great tool, and I've even seen it work on other babies...just not on MY baby! ). And what do you do when both kids are grabbing the toy and screaming bloody murder at the top of their lungs (can you tell my dd has a friend with a similar non-distractable and assertive temperament)? Or when the kid who got grabbed from WON'T be consoled or distracted and in fact runs over and grabs the toy BACK?

What I found happening a LOT, was that dd would grab, the other kid would cry, and dd would gleefully go on her merry way while I was comforting the grabee. Even if I picked her up and brought her back to the screaming kid, saying "wow, it looks like X is really sad. He really wanted the Y. Are you ready to give it back yet?" she would 99% of the time say "NO." Loudly. Then scramble up and go back on her merry way. I felt like I was teaching her that grabbing was okay by doing that too.

I definitely don't shame her either way...I'm really into trying to help her develop her skills and empathy. I'm just not sure HOW to do it yet!

[justthinkn]

I've been thinking about this and trying to get it for a few weeks now... I get the not snatching from them thing, and I totally see that the best strategy is trying to prevent their snatching in the first place, the second strategy is giving them a chance to make the situation right...

But it feels really weird to just let them keep a snatched toy if the first two strategies don't work. How is that not permissive? There are other limits that I can enforce as a GDing parent, right? Like if DD gets my glasses (ETA: off my face, not like I'm just leaving them lying around), I remove them from her hand while re-directing. Even if she got really upset, I couldn't let her keep my glasses... What's the difference here?

[Slabobbin]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

I will point out first though, that I think its very important to never 'snatch' out of your own childs hands - otherwise that just sends them mixed messages - the 'dont snatch!' - then *statch! from them lol

If the parents are nearby - I quickly explain this to them 'I do not want to enforce snatching by doing to my child what I would not like them to do - so I will not force the toy out of their hands' - surprisingly I have explained this the times it has happened and they have completly understood.

I think that there is a difference, even to the child, between "snatching" something out of one's hands and in gently removing something from one's hands. I think that gently removing the toy, while explaining that it is not yet his turn, is a world apart from "snatching it back".

I'm not sure how your method doesn't teach the child that it is ok to snatch things away from others because mommy will let him keep what he snatched. To some kids, giving attention to the "victim" would be a deterrant. But to other kids, as long as they ended up with the toy they wanted, they wouldn't care if you gave the other child your attention.

[Hazelnut]

I agree. I've had issues with this at playdates a lot. I really dislike it when my son has stuff snatched repeatedly and the kid won't give it back and nothing happens. I try hard to give it back when my dc does it.

Although, what do you do when they're really young and you're at another's house. Sometimes I think kids have trouble sharing their stuff and that's understandable. At times I try to encourage my dc to play with something else, but then when the table's are turned I feel like I'm encouraging my dc to share with the visitor and it's not really fair. And I hate thinking about this in such detail b/c it feels really petty, but it is a source of great frustration when I'm trying to balance teaching my child with being polite with also being fair to my child.

[boigrrrlwonder]

Originally Posted by Slabobbin

I think that there is a difference, even to the child, between "snatching" something out of one's hands and in gently removing something from one's hands. I think that gently removing the toy, while explaining that it is not yet his turn, is a world apart from "snatching it back".

I'm not sure how your method doesn't teach the child that it is ok to snatch things away from others because mommy will let him keep what he snatched. To some kids, giving attention to the "victim" would be a deterrant. But to other kids, as long as they ended up with the toy they wanted, they wouldn't care if you gave the other child your attention.

I'd like to say that while in the long-term, I'd like to teach my little one to learn to ask for toys and find better means of sharing, I do think she's way too young. She can't talk. She can't say, "Please." She just doesn't understand any of that.

My kid is really grabby, too, and it can take a *long* time to get her to give things back. Honestly, if the other kid doesn't seem to care, I ignore the behavior. I am committed to working with her until she surrenders the toy or whatever - I don't think DD would care about me comforting the other kid and besides which, I've always sucked at comforting others' kids anyway.

[sunnymw]

Subbing, because I know this will come up soon. And I'd love to know how to assert myself when DS does this to his conventionally parented cousins, who are 1, 2, and 3 years older than he is.

Here is how it's handled in the Extended Family:

X is 2.5yo and grabs a toy out of Y's hand, almost 4. When Y tries to grab it back, X starts crying and all the adults start paying attention.

X's mom calls out "No, you need to SHARE that toy."
Y's dad calls out "Y, just GRAB it BACK from her!"

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by Slabobbin

I think that there is a difference, even to the child, between "snatching" something out of one's hands and in gently removing something from one's hands. I think that gently removing the toy, while explaining that it is not yet his turn, is a world apart from "snatching it back".

Really? If my husband "gently removed" something from my hand that I didn't want him to take, it would feel pretty much the same as snatching. Actually it would feel worse to me than if my child "snatched" something away from me. My husband is bigger and stronger than I am and I would feel that it was a misuse of his power to take something out of my hand against my will regardless of the gentleness with which he takes it. On the other hand I know that I am quite powerful compared to my child so I am not threatened by her grabbing something away from me.

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by boigrrrlwonder

I'd like to say that while in the long-term, I'd like to teach my little one to learn to ask for toys and find better means of sharing, I do think she's way too young. She can't talk. She can't say, "Please." She just doesn't understand any of that.

My kid is really grabby, too, and it can take a *long* time to get her to give things back. Honestly, if the other kid doesn't seem to care, I ignore the behavior. I am committed to working with her until she surrenders the toy or whatever - I don't think DD would care about me comforting the other kid and besides which, I've always sucked at comforting others' kids anyway.

you make such an important point here. That for a preverbal child they have no other way of communicating their desire for something than to grab it. I really think that we need to honor their desire to communicate their wants and needs while also honoring the other child's desire to hold on to their toy. I think the key is as you said being committed to working with the "grabber" until they surrender the item. Or at least work with both parties until amutully agreeable solution is reached. After a minute or so if the other child is no longer interested in the toy there is no need to continue insisting they return it. I like to keep in mind that children learn so much by example, they don't always need a consequence to teach them a lesson

[desultory]

This has been a difficult issue for me lately because my 2 yr old tends to be the 'grabee' and one particular pal of his is the grabber. It's so frustrating to me! I try to let them work it out themselves as long as they don't get too aggressive with each other. Neither of his moms mind, and I don't mind, if a little hitting or wrestling takes place*, but we do intervene if the violence escalates. Sometimes my son yells or cries for a moment when his pal grabs a toy, but then finds something else to play with. It's hard for me to let that go, but I usually do because I think that's also an example of them working it out. We (the moms) also sometimes take the grabbed item and return it, and the 'grabber' hasn't ever seemed to care -- he usually just finds something else to play with himself! I think the whole grabbing, pushing, hitting amongst toddlers is really fraught for the caregivers, but not so much for the participants -- it's part of learning how to socialize.

*that is, hitting and wrestling between the boys involved -- none of us hit our kids and we only wrestle in a playful way.

[Slabobbin]

Originally Posted by junipermuse

Really? If my husband "gently removed" something from my hand that I didn't want him to take, it would feel pretty much the same as snatching. Actually it would feel worse to me than if my child "snatched" something away from me. My husband is bigger and stronger than I am and I would feel that it was a misuse of his power to take something out of my hand against my will regardless of the gentleness with which he takes it. On the other hand I know that I am quite powerful compared to my child so I am not threatened by her grabbing something away from me.

Yes, really. I would be able to differentiate something being removed from my hand and something being snatched out of my hand.

And really, there is no valid comparaison. I hate the argument that compares husbands to children. Children are human, they deserve respect, they have feelings, their feelings are valid, so on and so forth - BUT, a big but, they are not adults. There is an evolutionary reason that they are born small, with smaller brains. There is some science behind the psychology that says that they do not have the reasoning ability of an adult.

I would never snatch something FROM my husband to begin with, so him snatching it back from me would be a moot point. There is the difference again between what we know is ok as an adult and what we don't realize as children.

It would be one thing if my child snatched a toy away and I walked over and beamed them flat hand across the face and then took it back. But I see nothing wrong at all with telling them that it isn't their turn (or similar) and taking it and giving it back to the other child.

[eli janine]

Originally Posted by junipermuse

Really? If my husband "gently removed" something from my hand that I didn't want him to take, it would feel pretty much the same as snatching. Actually it would feel worse to me than if my child "snatched" something away from me. My husband is bigger and stronger than I am and I would feel that it was a misuse of his power to take something out of my hand against my will regardless of the gentleness with which he takes it. On the other hand I know that I am quite powerful compared to my child so I am not threatened by her grabbing something away from me.

I understand where you're coming from with this comparison, but if your husband said several times, "Honey, will you please give that back to Petie?" and "Sweetheart, it's Petie's turn with that, and he wasn't done with it. Please give it back to him" and then you saw that Petie was indeed upset about you having the item, and you STILL kept it, would you be that confused by the act of him "gently removing" the item from your hand? Even though he's bigger and stronger than you, I think you would understand that he had tried other options of getting you to give up what you had in your hand first, as well as explained to you a perfectly logical reason that you should give up what you had in your hand, even though you really wanted it. You would understand, as I really believe my toddler does, that this removal was different from that bigger and stronger person simply wrenching it out of your hand without reason.

ETA: slabobbin, I see, made pretty much the same point while I was attending to my kiddo and forgot to "refresh" my screen.