Help me out of my rut!

[lobster]

I am losing at parenting my 21-mo-old son.

We recently added a new member to our family (Raina is six weeks old tomorrow), and over the past week or so, my older son's behaviour has been aggravating, to say the least. He's not misbehaving by any means, but he's just so whiny and needy and moody that I'm losing my mind!

Lynden wakes up whining (we co-sleep). If his morning nursing gets interrupted by Raina (which it often does - no matter how I feel for Lynden, the baby can't wait), the whining escalates to either full-out crying, or a tantrum. If I try to comfort him in any way other than nursing, he flips out. When he flips out, he REALLY flips out - flinging himself around, hitting, kicking the floor - and he won't let anyone touch him, talk to him, or otherwise try to comfort him.

When this behaviour first appeared about a week ago, I took it as a sign that the new baby and all the comotion in our lives over the past month have finally caught up with him. I've been making sure to spend extra time with him, get down on the floor playing with him, give him lots of cuddles, read him books, tickle & roughouse, sing songs, and otherwise let him know that I love him. The problem is, Raina has needs too, and often her needs (hunger, for one) can't be put on hold. When our time is interrupted by Raina's crying & nursing, Lynden gets understandably upset. The whining starts. Nothing but nursing will stop the whining, and often I can't nurse him when he wants it, for various reasons.

Each day over the past week, the whining has gotten worse. The crying has gotten worse. The demands to nurse have become more frequent and more insistent. The tantrums are becoming more frequent. And, basically, I'm starting to lose it. I'm sleep deprived, my life has been a whirl-wind lately, for weeks I haven't been able to accomplish anything other than nursing my children. I'm at the end of my rope, and I just can't deal with Lynden's behaviour.

So... I yell. I walk out of the room. I tell him to stop. I push him away from me when he starts grabbing at my shirt. I move him off my lap when he won't accept a hug because all he wants is nursing. And I feel so guilty about it! I feel horrible for not wanting my son around. I try to parent in a gentle, loving way, but the moment he rejects what I'm offering (a hug, a song, a cuddle, etc) I lose my grip and feel myself starting to push him away.

I can't tell you how touched-out I am these days, between nursing both my babies & wearing Raina in the wrap when she's not nursing (she won't sleep laying down) and connecting physically with Lynden when he's in a decent enough mood to allow it. I'm exhausted, I'm worn out, and truth be told I'm feeling a little depressed. But none of these excuse my poor parenting choices.

I guess what I'm looking for in making this post is some advice on getting out of the rut I'm in - moving beyond being frustrated with my son to a place where I can deal with his behaviour more level-headedly and connect with him better. In my head and in my heart, I know he's been dealing with a lot of new things lately & at a young age, and I feel so bad for him. I want to be able to help him through it without losing my cool & making the situation worse.

[ee_lime]

:
not to hijack your thread, but...
I am in the same boat.... I am tandem nursing 21 month old ds and 3 week old dd.... ds's clinginess to my boobs is frustrating. He also has a complete meltdown if I try to comfort him in other ways.
I have a hard time nursing ds to sleep if dd is nursing at the same time because he has too much fun looking at her, so I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom with dd and letting dh put ds to bed. So, in order for me to even go to bed I have to sneak off while ds is busy with dh. I can't even say goodnight to him otherwise he might have a meltdown.
I really try hard to make sure he is always well rested and fed and entertained because it does make a huge difference, but it is much harder to do that now with a new lo.
I miss hanging out with my little guy, but I can't get near him w/out him needing to nurse.

hopefully someone has some words of wisdom or advice for us

[LilyGrace]

You didn't say how you try to comfort him, so ignore this if I'm just repeating what isn't working.
Have you tried verbalizing his frustration? I think the second year is so hard on little ones - they have more complex thoughts and a desire to express them, but such a limited vocabulary and knowledge of what exactly those thoughts are. Do you think giving him this verbal outlet might help?
"Oh, you're mad you had to stop nursing. Show me how mad you are. You're THAT mad? WOW! That's pretty mad, alright! You threw yourself on the rug, you are so mad!"
It'll give him permission to have a tantrum - but safely and overseen. For me, I think it takes into account the idea that tantrums are good for us - not something needed to be comforted out of necessarily or distracted from, but a semi-controlled release of emotions so we can get back to the basics. It also doesn't expect him to talk back to you or carry on a conversation - he's allowed to just feel the way he feels, you get to be the narrator to his hurt and let him know you understand - can't change it, but you understand.

And, I don't know if you're like me, but reacting like this helps me remove my feelings from the situation. If I let myself become involved, I want to make everything all better. But if I stand back and focus just on what is happening, I get a much clearer picture of the child to react more with what is needed and less with how I feel about it.

[lobster]

Well, I read "Cry for Connection" from the sticky, and have just been letting my son do his thing while I stay with him, and giving lots of cuddles and connecting afterwards. We've also started using a timer when he's nursing so that he doesn't expect to just keep nursing continually, and so far it's working really well. When the timer goes off, Lynden says "Beep beep!" and climbs down off my lap - no tantrums, no whining, just smiles. When it's the timer that's calling an end to nursing rather than Momma, it's easier to accept I guess.

It's only been a couple of days since I made the original post, but already things are improving. Today was a great day! Actually I don't think Lynden has whined at all other than the few minutes after waking up from his nap. He's also been much more affectionate with Raina, and even motioned for me to nurse her when she started crying this morning. I don't know if things will continue like this, but for now it's great to see the old Lynden again rather than the whiny, tantruming Lynden.

[Ruthla]

I'm glad to hear that you've had improvement!