*UPDATE* another question about moms and visiting ...

[1972momma]

Here's the update part:

A few days after my mom sent me that e-mail saying she "did still intend to come see us in the hospital as soon as possible," because she "would feel weird" not to, I wrote her back.

I explained that I realized I could have been clearer about our plans for after the birth, that we're actually not planning on any visitors at all for the first few days afterward, and that popping up for an afternoon right away isn't what we want from anyone.

I explained that it's not about not wanting overnight guests (since that's what she thought) but about us wanting to cocoon ourselves as a new family, without interruption.

I also said I understood this may be a bit outside the box in terms of her experience, and that it's hardly my intention for her to feel "weird," but that it's actually quite common, not personal, and just what we want.

I said that after those first few days, we expect to gradually ease into brief visits of maybe an hour or two, but for an afternoon's worth of visiting or more, we intend to wait a couple of weeks.

And noooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww it's been a few days and there's just silence on the wires. So she's off somewhere pouting and being the victim. I'm sorry that she's hurt because she's my mom, but at the same time, this is exactly the kind of behavior on her part that drives me crazy and just makes me feel very, very good about the decision I made.

Ack. I guess I'll just have to see what happens from here on out.

By the way, I really am aware this is a bit off topic, but I just really appreciate having an anonymous place to let all this out. Thanks.

ORIGINAL POST:
OK, so I'm obsessing a bit, but everyone was very helpful in giving their two cents to my last question (see "momma drama") so I wanted to throw out this more specific one:

Has anyone had a birth, home or not, and asked their mom to wait two or three weeks before visiting? If so, can you tell me why, as well as how that worked out?

I suppose I just want to know if this is way beyond the norm.

Thanks all.

[baschabad]

I actually had my mother at the birth and for a few days afterward- and that was great! I didn't really want my mil so soon, (she came a few days later) but that turned out to be okay too.
My main concern was that people were going to be criticizing me on the way I take care of the baby, (my first) and I didn't want anyone standing over my shoulder telling me how to change diapers!

But I was not in any shape to take care of the house, so both mothers were great for that!

[bobandjess99]

Well..here is how i see it. If you don't have her for a few weeks, the "newborn" stage is really gone. you would be choosing to exclude her from an entire stage of your baby's life. It's a punishment. Now, i am ALL for excluding toxic people from your life, and cutting out someone who deserves it. but..it doesn't sound like that is the case in your situation. there is a world of difference between "somewhat annoying" and "horrible, evil, toxic".
does her behavior/attitude, actions really warrant being excluded from your baby's early life?
If so, then great. but if not....think about it. Fro your original post, it sounds like it would jst be ONE day. she wants to come down for one day when the baby is born, and then she'll go back where she came from and then come back in 3 weeks, right?
On one hand, i can understand the argument....you just had a baby, you should be able to have peace and harmony around you, etc....but at the same time, we're talking about like 12 hours that would seemingly make your mother happy, right?

You're nervous, tyou shouldnt have to be afraid and in "defensive" mode that you will be attacked for your birthing choice right after the baby is born, i get that. but just make it clear it's not up for discussion. Aftr you have your baby, give her a call, say the baby is here. If she wants to fly in for ONE day, she can, but then you would appreciate her help in a few weeks, after your DP goes back to work, after tehe "sleepy" newborn stage wears off and the sleeplessness begins, etc.

[ckumelos]

My mom came when the baby was three weeks old. What you should do depends a lot on the kind of relationship you have with your mother. I simply told my mom when I wanted her to come, and made her purchase her plane ticket ahead of time. I explained that I didn't want her spending $800 instead of $300 for the ticket if she didn't purchse it at least 20 days in advance. Since due dates are not set in stone, I asked her to get it for 3 weeks after my due date, that way she was sure not to come before the baby was born if I was late.

I considered just lying to her about my due date before I decided on the previous plan of attack.

She elft three days after she arrived but was supposed to stay on for 7. What happened? I finally put my foot down with her. It went - to make it simple - like this. She was, as usual, acting the abused victim "you dont respect me la la la" and I returned that message - "you dont respect me". SHe said "I don't have to respect you - I'm your mother". So that was it, I FINALLY stood up for myself and didn;t backdown or lie. I just told her the groundrules. You will not insult me, my husband, or criticize the way I do things. You will not yell at me or tell me what to do in my own home. So she left very angry, but returned two days later - not agreeing to my rules, but it's a good start to her realizing I'm not putting up with her crap anymore. My husband was SOOOOOOO proud of me

I think at this stage, you are going to have to do the same. It is wonderful to do it. No more lies, fear, - it's your home, your baby, and the sooner you let her know that, the sooner you will again be in control of your life when she is around.

[1972momma]

bobandjess ... sometimes she is just annoying, which I know all mothers can be. and sometimes, she is truly toxic. With the history she and I have, and the experiences that have come before, I have a hard time imagining her being here for 12 hours and not saying something hurtful as well as totally overstepping her bounds. I/we have a bit to think about, but I appreciate your thoughts as well as those of everyone else.

[xixstar]

I'm due in July and I basically told my mom that the first two weeks were not a good time. But, since her schedule was only going to allow her to fly out right after the birth, I said we could do that but she'd have to get a hotel room and she should come with the expectations that she might not be able to hang out all day long.

I explained all the reasons about this, mainly because the timing was just too soon, our house is too small (dh will be home for a couple weeks), and I just wasn't up for the extra stress (we don't get along wonderfully, we both know this).

I got an email back that I should just send her a picture of the new little one -- my read on that is she's pissed at me. We've not really talked since and I've decided it's not worth the energy getting worked up over it - she can respond maturely, especially since I was trying to find a way to make an inconvenient trip possible and fairly stated my concerns about the trip, or she can be a grump about it and ignore me.

ETA: My mom's visit would be a several day visit - usually close to a week - in order to get affordable plane tickets. I would have no problem with her coming for one day, just like I know that MIL and BILs family will come for an afternoon to visit. The relationship with my mom is always strained but we could easily do a day of visiting -- but since she'd have to stay over several days and because she usually stays with us too, I just couldn't see that happening in the two weeks right after birth and it being a positive experience. I think the hotel option is perfectly reasonable, though I understand it's a major financial hardship for her in addition to the plane ticket -- but I just can't have her in my home during that time. If she wants to come at 1month, she can stay with us, no problems and I did make that clear too.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by bobandjess99

Well..here is how i see it. If you don't have her for a few weeks, the "newborn" stage is really gone. you would be choosing to exclude her from an entire stage of your baby's life. It's a punishment. Now, i am ALL for excluding toxic people from your life, and cutting out someone who deserves it. but..it doesn't sound like that is the case in your situation. there is a world of difference between "somewhat annoying" and "horrible, evil, toxic".

You, like the difficult mothers, are making it all about the "mom" and not about the needs of the poster. It is not a "punishment" because it is about the poster's needs and not the "mom"'s wants.

In addition, plenty of people do not have the money to fly to their parents with a newborn, or their parents do not have the money to fly to them and yet, families survive. Her mother will survive even if she "misses" the super cute newborn stage. My mother did not see my first until he was a year and a half, and my second until she was four months because no one could afford it. I wasn't up to seeing anyone for a couple of weeks after my first, and was quite relieved that my MIL couldn't fly up. Though with my second I was fine seeing her an hour or two after my second's homebirth (though I was not ready when, still sitting in bloody bath water my dh invited her up; thankfully she was too freaked out and waited). It is entirely up to the OP's judgment about what is best for her postpartum period and to anyone who tries to make her feel guilty about her "poor mom".

[barefootpoetry]

Here is what I think. I think 3 weeks is a pretty long time to wait to meet your grandbaby. Now, this is me, and I am not you, and I don't know your mother, and I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship with her. So I don't know how much weight my thoughts carry on this. But, there ya go.

I do plan on waiting a little bit before making the big announcement after our upcoming HB. Maybe a day or two max. We will have structured, enforced visiting hours to cut down on the chaos, but I definitely don't want a parade of relatives within minutes or even hours of giving birth. When I am rested and ready, THEN the phone calls can start. But, I wouldn't wait three weeks. Again, that's just me and MY situation. You've gotta do what feels best for YOU. Like I said in your other thread, just fib and say you weren't feeling well enough for visitors at first.

[sapphire_chan]

I'm due the middle of August and have told my family to get here at the start of September.

I fully expect them to be cranky about it for years from now, but I just can't imagine dealing with people right after the birth.

[AmyLaz]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II

It is not a "punishment" because it is about the poster's needs and not the "mom"'s wants...
Her mother will survive even if she "misses" the super cute newborn stage...
It is entirely up to the OP's judgment about what is best for her postpartum period and to anyone who tries to make her feel guilty about her "poor mom".

THIS.

[Eman'smom]

My mom sounds bit like yours. She was here for the birth of our third (not the other two) and looking back boy I wish she wasn't here. Her job was to take care of my older two children, I made this perfectly clear, if she was going to come out she was to run the other kids ragged. My job would be to rest and nurse, and dh's job was to take care of me. I can't stress enough how clear I made it to her, well fast forward to labor...... She kept asking if she could help, I eventually closed the door on her, she held dd before dh did Just scooped her up off me. Then for the next 1.5 weeks kept saying things like "let me hold the baby so you can......" Then she started saying things like "well how can I help" I'd say take the kids out, oh well how about I snuggle the baby, um no mom that isn't why you are here.


If I could do it all over again I'd have lined up real help (help that I was hoping my mother would provide) and not had her come out until a few weeks old.

I agree this has nothing to do with "punishment" it's about taking care of the woman who just gave birth. It isn't about her, it's about you.

[sunnymw]

Didn't read other replies

My mom is pretty understanding and I told her to come a few weeks after my due date, just in case I hadn't had baby yet, and also because if I had it early and she was here anyway, she would hardly get to hold it with all w/ all of DH's family and the way they are. So I basically just said "wait a few weeks, so you'll actually get to hold him and have him to yourself a little".

[srlpenny]

My mom actually did this for my first 2 births, her idea, saying it was good for us to have time to bond as a family, and she would come to help after dh went back to work when i needed it.
For the last 3 births she came more quickly because we needed her to be there around delivery to care for the other 3 while i was in labor, now that we've find a childcare doula to help with them in the next birth I will go back to having her come up at 2 weeks postpartum, it just works best that way.
Will you dh be staying ome after the baby is born? Just tell her you want her to wait to come up until after he goes back so your help lasts longer.

[slave2myprincess]

i don't have much to add and i do agree it is about you ! This is your time to bond with your baby and enjoy the experience. So you have to make a decision that is best for you. For this second baby i plan to have a time when we will have visitors and even visiting times because i didn't do this with my first and i was so overwhelmed. My mom was there for birth and though she really wasnt a problem. But my MIL came by the next day i got out of the hospital not to mention she was there at the hospital visiting while i was in the hospital. Well when we got home she was constantly taking the baby out of my arms. i would lay the baby down in the bassinett next to me and awake with her all the way downstairs holding the baby. And then when i would ask for my DD back she would like hesistate like she didn't hear what i said. So sometimes dh had to take the baby from her. So i plan on putting my footdown next time. Just the thought of that happening again makes me . Good luck wish you all the best !!

[wbg]

My parents and my in laws live far away and we do not have a very functional relationship with them. However we do love and respect them. When our first child was born they both flew over straight away and stayed with us. It was awful. They made lots of hurtful comments and made it all about them. I am still very resentful, 8 years on that their negative energy impacted on our precious first weeks with our first child. I have just given birth to our fourth child and everyone was told they are only allowed to visit 6 weeks later. We did this with our third as well. Whilst it was not well received, it was accepted and in retrospect I think they understand. They always stay with us which is hard enough and the pressure is off. By the time they arrive, I have breastfeeding sussed, am all recovered and ready to entertain them. I am not trying to deny them their time with a newborn, but feel it is the only way to keep a positive energy in my home. With digital technology, they are very much included. I email them pictures every day the first couple of weeks and at least bi weekly there after. We also have a webcam and use "skype" to have free video phone calls over the net. They love it! They call it the "insert baby name" show and say they love it better than Idol! Those first weeks with your baby are so precious! You can be respectful of others but ultimately you need to be true to yourself.

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by bobandjess99

It's a punishment.

How on earth is it a punishment?

Sometimes our decisions make other people unhappy; that doesn't mean that we're trying to punish them. It's incredibly self-centered to assume that just because someone is doing something that makes you sad, they are out to get you.

Originally Posted by bobandjess99

....but at the same time, we're talking about like 12 hours that would seemingly make your mother happy, right?

I would not want to spend 12 hours while recovering from childbirth with someone who giggles at my pain and is even somewhat emotionally insensitive to the developing family dynamic. You don't have to be incredibly toxic to get banned from my house during a very emotionally and physically sensitive period; in fact, if I even think you might be a little toxic, I'm not going to risk it.

Mama bear gets to unilaterally decide who she's comfortable enough with to allow into her den.


Now, I'd be fine with having my parents around immediately after the birth, but they live out of state and will be coming to visit for two weeks apx. three weeks after we expect the baby to arrive. I don't want them around for labor or the week immediately afterwards (I will be sitting around bottomless with my legs spread airing out my sore bits, thankyouverymuch), so if the babe shows up right "on time", they'll miss out on that whole magical 'newborn' period too. That's okay. They've had their own newborns. They can see their grandchildren when they're a month old; it won't hurt anything.

[JENinOR]

I would never have my mom or mil come right after our baby's birth. They are in other states and would have to fly here. I don't believe a pp mom should be playing hostess, but enjoying this most special time with baby. My mil will be coming 3 months after the baby's birth and six weeks is my minimum. She likes the 3 months though because time has passed and the baby is starting to show more personality and not sleeping all day. If she really wanted to come sooner (earlier than 6 wks), it would be for one night period. The first six weeks I need to rest (not sleeping a whole lot due to nurisng lots and lots) and recover and the time's I've had out of town visitors, I've really regretted it and it put me back with pp bleeding from cooking and cleaning, etc. and I just didn't get time much with babe. Never would I have anyone come the first week, ever. Afterbirth pains, engorgement, exhaustion, bleeding and other body fluids...yuck. I don't feel human until that first weeks over and then it gets so much better for me. Here in the US it back to business as usual after birth and I have learned to protect this time and opt out of our cultural norms.

[bax]

We asked both grandmas to wait a couple weeks before visiting when our first was born. It was no problem (or if it was a problem, they kept quiet about it). DH and I just made sure we got on the same page, initiated the conversations about it with our moms (instead of being surprised by them bringing it up), and were clear and consistent about our needs. This time around, we're going to need help with our toddler, so we'll probably ask for help sooner. It's up to you. Having a newborn and starting your nursing relationship is certainly not the time you need to worry about suprmanaging family dynamics and making sure everyone else's needs and feelings are taken care of at the expense of your own. Rock on, sistah--do what's best for you.

[zoebird]

originally, we'd thought to keep the baby to ourselves for 6 weeks or so to get our feet wet in the 'weird' ap things we were doing without criticism or meddling.

but then i realized that i prefered to be able to have people come around, and so i shared all of our weird stuff with the 'rents and ILs, and while they think it's bonkers, i told them that i wanted support of these things, not criticism of them.

when they first read the stuff, they're very critical and upset, but they eventually come around one way or another. either they 'give up and shut up' or they do actually become supportive.

the one thing i will have to do--at the request of my mother--is do separate visits for my parents vs my ILs. they don't get along great, and my mother does not want to deal with my MIL when she wants to be involved with the baby.

so, i had to tell my MIL that they would be coming over the day after my parents, and while they were upset, that's what we've decided. my husband wanted to give in to them, but i felt that i would likely be too focused to want to deal with any conflict and discomfort between them, and so on.

so, that's the way it's going here (so far).

[1972momma]

Update up top, ladies, thanks for bearing with me!