Resources for the yeller

[eli janine]

I am really trying to parent in a way that is gentle, but it seriously doesn't come easily. I was parented in a reactive, emotional maelstrom of screaming, crying, and some hitting. It seems like when I am most stressed, I find these kinds of behaviors (not the hitting...but I admit, the desire to hit is sometimes there) coming into play in my own parenting of my two sons, ages 4.5 and 1.5. I'm a teacher, and I'm good with other people's kids; it's just that mine seem so much more adept at pushing my buttons, getting me so angry it actually scares me. They are good, good boys, and the offenses are small and totally to be expected for their ages (i.e. pushing each other, difficulties sharing, screeching, not listening when I ask them to stop doing something, being too rough, etc.)

I hate the way things spiral down into impatience, frustration, anger, and yelling. It's completely my fault. I'm getting close now to summer vacation, and here's my request. If I only read ONE parenting book this summer to help me settle the heck down and be a more patient, gentle mama, what should it be?

Thanks!

[theresal]

Before you decide on just one book, can I suggest you listen to a free 1 hour download of a teletalk entitled "Change Your Self, Change Your Child." I found it to be a fascinating program full of many insights on parenting and self-care.

It can be found at:
http://www.consciouslyparenting.com/events.html

The talk is between Heather Forbes and Rebecca Thompson. Heather is coauthor of an amazing book, Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control. She is also cofounder of the Beyond Consequences Institute.

Heather's book focuses on challenging behavior in children and the neurological basis for those behaviors. It originated from work with adopted children with attachment challenges, but much of the focus is on how children can bring up so much fear and anger in their parents, and that is generally a sign that we have some unfinished business of our own. Much of the book, and the supporting material on Heather's website (much of which is free and includes daily emails, a support forum, newsletters and articles) is geared towards helping parents manage their own anger and stress and deal with the underlying issues that our children are triggering. The website is www.beyondconsequences.com

I highly recommend signing up for her daily reflections emails. They are perfect for GD parents.

Rebecca is the founder of The Consciously Parenting Project, which promotes love-based parenting, conscious parenting choices and holistic lifestyles. Her website offers many free resources - articles, recordings, a forum, etc. Additionally, Rebecca offers various telephone classes, including ones that focus on Heather's book and help you apply the tools from the book to your circumstances. Her website is www.consciouslyparenting.com

Through the above resources, you can learn to understand the dynamics behind your yelling, specific tools you can use to keep yourself from yelling in the moment, as well as strategies to identify and work on the underlying issues behind your reactions to your childrens behavior.

Sounds like you have the awareness and the willingness to change - now all you need are the right tools.

Best of luck and keep us posted on how you're doing.

Theresa

[MAMom]

There are a couple of online articles that have some great suggestions on this front...

22 Alternatives to Punishment by Jan Hunt (it actually used to be called "22 Alternatives to Losing It")

Strategies to try INSTEAD of Yelling, Bribing, Threatening, Criticizing and Punishing by Gail Reichlin

If I had to choose only one book, it would have to be Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. She also has lots of great articles on her website.

[eli janine]

Thanks for all the links, and the book...I will read up on those links for sure. I will read more than one book; I'm always reading and learning and yes, working on sorting out my baggage. I have a boatload of unresolved crap, and I'd really like to leave my children with less of their own, yk? I love my children, and I am seriously NOT an angry person. For instance, there is nobody on this earth that I could say that I hate. But my kiddos can sure make me feel the rage.

[savvybabygrace]

THANK YOU SO MUCH for this thread and all the resources! I am so ashamed of the rage I sometimes feel and the yelling that happens despite my best efforts to stop it. The PPD and PTSD I've experienced in the past 2.5 years have made me spiral into a cycle of fear, anger, yelling that I am desperate to stop. I really think that these resources are a fantastic starting point for me. Thank you so much!

[emilys_mom1]

these are great resources, thanks for sharing.