I don't know what's going on. Pregnancy hormones? I have lost any semblance of Zen. I don't want to take anyone down with me, but DH won't wake up enough to talk and I have nobody to vent to.
1. I have gotten through yet another weekend without going into labor. I'm only 40w 3d, but nobody in my family has ever gone this long. I'm terrified that I will be one of those women who never goes naturally - a situation that not only do I want to avoid, but we can't afford for me to go to a hospital.
2. The midwife I wanted to deliver my baby was on duty this weekend. This means she's working fewer hours during the week, so there's less of a chance I'll get her if I go this week. For some reason, even though I like the other midwives too, this panics me. I don't want them delivering this child. I want Maribeth.
3. DH is getting serious about this house thing, which makes me think of moving. I hate moving. I hate selling houses. I remember having to pay our mortgage off my grocery bagger paychecks in high school because my parents couldn't get our house sold and we had 2 mortgages for 10 MONTHS. I'm terrified, in this awful housing market, of doing the same thing. Again. Also, of doing it with a newborn.
4. I'm going to have a baby. OMFG. I have no idea how to be a mom and so much going on that I'm afraid I'll screw up royally. I have no idea how my life is going to change with this baby, and sitting around waiting for it to change is driving me batty. Too much time on my hands waiting and I don't think I'll have enough time when the baby comes.
5. Moving makes me think of finances and affording things. I hate money. I deliberately don't do our finances because I'm a hoarder. I hate seeing money come in because I worry about it going out. If it were up to me, DH and I would still be living in the craphole of a 400 sqft bachelor pad we lived in when we first got married. DH had to kick my butt into buying this place, and now I'm so attached to it, I don't want to leave. It feels like we can't afford this new house, though I know we can and DH says we can.
6. I feel like I can no longer sleep. The reflux is back, and it makes my nights miserable. It also gets me neurotic about why it left in the first place.
7. The timing of this baby is going out the window. My parents are going to be out of school and banging down the door to come up before the baby's even born, and I know they're going to make a big deal about the babynaming at the synagogue, and at 1 week postpartum, I just won't want to deal with it.
I need to breathe. I need my Zen back. I need to sleep. I can't do any of it. That's freaking me out too, because I'm afraid I'm stalling labor as we speak.
I don't really have any advice, but am always willing to lend an ear 
:
