Stbx wants to be divorced by Monday. That will be a little less than four months since he left. I am in shock. He told me this on the phone, after trying to discuss details of dividing our debts/assets, and I just lost it, starting sobbing, demanding to know if he had a girlfriend lined up, telling him how he and his parents were %$$#@ing me over........ I've just been on "go" mode for the most part, with some periods of grief in-between trying to get all my stuff together and in place, and I feel the enormous well of grief and terror that is starting to come out now that I face the prospect of handing our papers into a judge on monday.... I demanded to know why he was leaving, and all he could say is that that was what his inner voice told him to do. I asked what his inner voice was suggesting now, and he said he didn't know, that it told him to "jump into the abyss" because he was dying in our relationship and we "argued too much." I don't even have words for how insane this sounds to me, and for the depth of my grief right now. (oh, and if this is all incoherent it's because I am in such shock) Yes, I need to go to a counselor, but I need to be approved for medicaid first..... hopefully that will happen soon. And yes, he did verbally and emotionally abuse me, but I'm having such a hard time knowing the "truth," because the truth isn't that he was the devil and I was always innocent, any more than it's the "truth" that I was so awful he had to leave. I don't know the "real story" and I don't know how to understand what my responsibility in it was, without beating myself up, or without thinking that I could've done something to prevent this. Because I tried so incredibly hard to make it work, and I still would have tried for a year or two longer......ok, I'm spinning off now, thanks for reading.
post #1 of 131
6/4/08 at 1:55am