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I fell apart tonight, update post #110 - Page 5

post #81 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by emilyrose View Post
O I said that he was still using anything he could to try to get to me, and she said that he would keep on doing it, and that maybe I should just go and get it over with, and that even if he turns around and files for full custody or something, he could do that regardless of whether we go the lawyer route or not, so what's the big deal?
The big deal is that you don't know why he's doing this. It could be nothing. It could be something very significant. In any case you don't want to be rushed and end up sorry later -- and in any case he's still going to use whatever he can to threaten you whenever he can, so I wouldn't pay that any mind.

Let me give you an example of "significant". Lots of rich kids don't get access to their trusts until they're 28, 30, or 35. Which is sensible of the parents, who -- if they're wise -- also don't tell the kids about the trusts' existence until shortly before the date at which the kid gets control of the money. The parents say nothing because they don't want to encourage their kids to just hang around waiting for money to drop on their heads.

Suppose two things. Suppose your ex is about to gain access to a trust, and suppose his folks don't like you. They know you guys have had trouble. They also know that if you're still married when he gains access to the money, and you divorce, you walk away with a big fat chunk of this marital asset. They don't want to give you anything. So one day his dad sits down with him and lays out enough of the deal to convince your ex that he needs that divorce pronto, and to give you whatever you want so long as it happens fast. His dad also impresses upon him that his mission is to avoid giving away a large chunk of change to you, and presents it as a test of your stbx's manhood. After all, the old man knows how to show a woman her place; his son should, too.

If there's something like this involved, then whatever sentiments are driving stbx and his family, you want that money. That, and not your ex, will allow you to homeschool the girls, buy a house, and so on. That'll be your backup when your ex takes you back to court and you need to hire a lawyer again. If nothing else, that'll force your ex to pay you considerably better c/s than a social worker's salary would.

And the very last thing you want is a rich, vindictive, crazy ex when you have no money and a poor family.

I know a woman who lived that story; she's a professor of women's studies now. It was a hell of a long ugly road she had to take to get there, through welfare and chronic illness, and in the end she's dependent on her new guy, who...well, i don't think she can afford to admit to herself how much of the family responsibility he dumps on her so he can go off whenever and have his career. Or how it sucks to deal with his various emotional problems. Yes, ironic, given the discipline.

So don't let him shoo you off the marriage before you're ready. You'll find out, in time, what all the hurry was about. Meantime, just get comfortable with the fact that this is going to be an ordinary divorce fight, and that probably he's not tenacious enough to make this truly miserable. Tell your mom to relax, and get used to thinking in terms of legal spaces -- in some he can interfere with you, and in others he can't.
post #82 of 131
I believe that if you buy a car right now, you can put it into the divorce papers and the costs will have to be split. He'll have to pay half. A friend's husband did that to her (she was the breadwinner) and she had to pay for half of his car.

If you tell him that you're going to go buy a car on Monday, he might show up with that other car and sign it over pronto. He doesn't want a car payment in the divorce papers. He left you without a car. Ask your lawyer, but I think you can.

He's being a jerk. YOu're doing a wonderful job of protecting yourself. It's pissing him off, but so what. You have to take care of yourself and your kids. You cannot trust him. He's already proven that to you.

Good luck. Thinking of you.
Lisa
post #83 of 131
Still thinking of you. I agree with the others...do not give in to him here. Do not let him bully you. DD's dad has never signed a daycare paper either, so I'm not sure what you need him for on this.
post #84 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by littleaugustbaby View Post
Still thinking of you. I agree with the others...do not give in to him here. Do not let him bully you. .
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post #85 of 131
Thread Starter 
Thanks mamas. I have had a pretty terrible day. I felt so strong yesterday, and today I'm in a deep, dark pit. I'm just worried that stbx is going to flip about the daycare thing and say he never agreed, pull them out, whatever..... oh and threaten to take it up in court. I have a job training this week though, so I need daycare. I told him this, and he didn't care. So I'm hoping that I can just enroll them and if he freaks it'll reflect badly on him since he'll be preventing me from going to a job training?
mama41, he's 34, will be 35 in nov. I am not so sure about the coming into money thing, I'm kind of leaning towards "I'm feeling powerless so I need to show how much I'm in control." Anyway, I was considering filing on Monday, so I thought that after someone filed all assets/debts acquired afterwerd are not community assets/debts. So why wouldn't stbx just file on his own to prevent this (if it were the case)?
post #86 of 131
Yeah, good question. If he wants a divorce so badly, why isn't he going in and filing?
post #87 of 131
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oh the Irony View Post
Big hugs to you. Hang tough.

Does he know you post on here?
Yikes. Your post gave me pause. He knows that this forum exists, yes. He used to make fun of me for coming on here, and he'd roll his eyes if I mentioned anything having to do with this forum. I kind of think that he's not that "smart," to think that I might be talking on here, and certainly, he's terrible with revealing things he "knows" or has "heard" just to show me he's in control and onto me. I can't imagine that he would have controlled himself well enough to not let anything on here slip... (He sent me an email earlier, lying about something dd1 had told him! I couldn't believe he was starting that already. Oi. Anyway, he also said that in a message I left on his phone dd2 had been crying which proved I was not a nurturing mother, so he was going to save the message as "proof." Just an example of how he is more into the bullying side rather than the cunning side). So I'm not sure he knows what my username is, and I have considered changing it because it is revealing... but when people quote you, you can't change the place where it has the old username, so I don't know how effective it would be. (He couldn't google my username, even if he knew it, because all that horror movie stuff would come up!) I'm also not sure that it would occur to him that such a "fluffy" site would have any kind of legal info or sharing.....I'm thinking he'd assume it was a place to come and b!@#$
post #88 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by emilyrose View Post
So I'm not sure he knows what my username is, and I have considered changing it because it is revealing... but when people quote you, you can't change the place where it has the old username, so I don't know how effective it would be.
I'd still change it.....even with this name still being in the quotes, a different screen name would still be more effective than having your first name as user name/part of the user name
post #89 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
Yeah, good question. If he wants a divorce so badly, why isn't he going in and filing?
Could it have something to do with the splitting of assets? Is the person who files favored in some way, or would filing prevent him from getting something that he wanted? This is not my area of expertise; I never married DD's dad, so we didn't deal with divorce...but can't the divorce decree be affected by who files first? I thought I had heard that discussed before...

As far as the daycare thing, what can he really do? I can't see how he could take you to court over it. He left you, which means that you now have to go out and provide for the kids, which means that the kids need daycare. He doesn't have a choice here, there is nothing to agree on, unless he wants to pay you enough to support you and the kids 100%, or unless he wants to watch the kids so that you can work/go to school. Somehow, I don't see either of those happening.
post #90 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by Denali View Post
I'd still change it.....even with this name still being in the quotes, a different screen name would still be more effective than having your first name as user name/part of the user name
I might consider it if I were you, OP. There are times where I really wish the single parenting forum were protected; mainly because of situations like this.
post #91 of 131
You might want to consider just posting to TOA for the next while . Also a friend of mine who is recently seperated realized that her STBX could access her email from his computer and read them. Is that a possibiity?
post #92 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by emilyrose View Post
mama41, he's 34, will be 35 in nov. I am not so sure about the coming into money thing, I'm kind of leaning towards "I'm feeling powerless so I need to show how much I'm in control."
Oh, yuuuck. I'd been guessing 27ish. So there's no actual adult life happening for him, is there. I got involved with older men in my 20s, too. I wish these guys came with stickers: "Goes After Young Women Because Women His Age Would Laugh."

Well, yes, he might just be nuts. Even so, I'd just move deliberately and do this right. Obviously you can't trust him. The "not nurturing" thing made me laugh, btw. (See above.) I can just see him playing that for his lawyer. Well, whoever it is will earn their hourly rate.

Don't run out and buy a car. Take the high road throughout and document it, and when you guys get in front of a judge, it'll probably pay off. Steph has a little experience with that.

If there were any use in it, I'd say it might be good to be a little worried about his unsupervised visits given the nuttiness, but I don't think there's much you can do. You might ask the lawyer.
post #93 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
Yeah, good question. If he wants a divorce so badly, why isn't he going in and filing?
That is exactly what I was thinking. Is there some benefit to being the one who is 'left' and one who does the leaving?

Document, document, document. You have gotten some good feedback and advice. I wish you well and hope today is a better day. I wish this wasn't so ugly for you.

Oh, for most of the school papers over the year, I was the only one who signed them. I didn't say anything about it, and the school never said anything to me. I would just not make a big deal about it and if when asks say you are going through a divorce and couldn't get his signature. I doubt she will ask you.

He is being a bully, be strong and stand up to him, you can do it!

post #94 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by emilyrose View Post
I kind of think that he's not that "smart," to think that I might be talking on here, and certainly, he's terrible with revealing things he "knows" or has "heard" just to show me he's in control and onto me. I can't imagine that he would have controlled himself well enough to not let anything on here slip... (He sent me an email earlier, lying about something dd1 had told him! I couldn't believe he was starting that already. Oi. Anyway, he also said that in a message I left on his phone dd2 had been crying which proved I was not a nurturing mother, so he was going to save the message as "proof." Just an example of how he is more into the bullying side rather than the cunning side). So I'm not sure he knows what my username is, and I have considered changing it because it is revealing... but when people quote you, you can't change the place where it has the old username, so I don't know how effective it would be. (He couldn't google my username, even if he knew it, because all that horror movie stuff would come up!) I'm also not sure that it would occur to him that such a "fluffy" site would have any kind of legal info or sharing.....I'm thinking he'd assume it was a place to come and b!@#$
Good. You just want to be aware that it is a possibility. And if he sees the advice you get then he'll be aware of your strategies. When you get to brass tacks with some decisions you may want to keep them close to your chest until it is resolved.
post #95 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama41 View Post
I wish these guys came with stickers: "Goes After Young Women Because Women His Age Would Laugh."

Where can I get a few?
post #96 of 131
Emilyrose- regarding the daycare situation... bring the kids, sign the papers yourself. You do not need him to sign them. Start treating this like you are actually divorced and do not give him more information than he actually needs. Does he need to know the kids are going to daycare?
post #97 of 131
He sounds like quite the trial, I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.

One thing I can't wrap my head around though are all his comments about 'sign this so we can be divorced by 4 pm today". that's not how it works. He has no control over the actual date, much less the time, that a divorce is official. ONe more sign that he's not a rational person.

Don't talk to him about anything but the kids basic care, don't tell him what you are thinking, don't tell him what you are doing, don't tell him anything. He sounds like he will grab onto anything to try to manipulate you or make you feel like sh*t. When this is all over you won't believe the things he said and how it made you feel, but when you're in the middle of it it's very difficult and you can't see the entire picture.

Am I right that you do not have a lawyer?

Also, did I misunderstand or did a previous poster say that two weeks after the divorce was final, her ex filed for full custody? In my state you are not allowed to change custody for two years.

Strength to you, mama, and you are very lucky to have women here to offer you feedback. This would be so tough to go through entirely alone.

(I'm also cracking up a little at his reaction when he saw your friend there as he 'stole' your car back)
post #98 of 131
Thread Starter 
Hey mamas, thanks for your continued support. I haven't gotten ahold of the daycare provider yet, but I'm planning on bringing them in with the paperwork "mostly" ready, and hopefully it'll be fine. I did something seriously forgetful because of my state of mind after all this drama, though. I work at a jewelry store one day a week, and I was supposed to fill in for the owner yesterday, but due to my black hole state I totally forgot! I called and apologized, and she was ok with it, but I feel terrible that I forgot, and that I am so consumed by all of this crap that my outside life is starting to suffer. Sigh. So, I think I'm going to go ahead and file tomorrow, and begin the long journey. I'm a little nervous, but here goes..... and thankfully I have another mdc mama who will be there with me! (Thanks xochimama!)

Oh, and I think I will be changing my username in the next few days, so look for this thread to know who I am! (Should I keep my real name in my signature? It's not like my name is uncommon!)
post #99 of 131
I would change your signature and user name completely. So sorry for all your pains right now. Hang in there mamma, you are doing what's best, and you are doing the best that you can do right now. HUGS- and lots of love, healing, and smooth journey vibes.
post #100 of 131
s to you Emily. Stay strong. Stay focused on your future. Ask a lawyer if there are advantages to filing first. Don't just jump the gun because you're tired of the drama. Write down your goals if you have to and post them on the fridge to remind youself EVERY DAY what you're working toward.

As hard as it is, tune out everyone else's noise, focus on yourself and your girls. Slow down and breathe.

(and if it helps, get a calendar that you carry around with you. In a quiet moment, write down a daily schedule that folds out, and note any differences - like you're working at the jewelery store. think flylady. it helped me tremendously when I was going through my own drama.)
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