i am so torn on this subject. i always said i'd like to have 3 or 4. DH has always wanted a "six pack"
- i've told him since forever that there's no way i'm having six, and did remind him that our family would be a six pack if we had four
the whole time i was pg i said i was done. it was really emotionally difficult for me being pregnant this time for a lot of reasons, not the least of which this was the first time we weren't actually TTC. i also had a lot of stuff happen that would've been emotionally difficult pregnant or not. the morning after i had her i felt sure that i never wanted to do it again. my labor was only 4 hours and incredibly intense. but not so horrible or anything, a pretty easy and beautiful homebirth, no tearing, quick and speedy recovery.
now, i just don't know. it's nice to have another baby. and she's an amazing baby - so mellow, so easy. but it's still hard to manage sometimes, and i can't help but think that i'd really be just losing my mind if i had a high need baby like DD1 was. i like the idea of having 4, but i just don't know if i could handle being pregnant again, adjusting to life with a new member of the family again. i've considered adoption, but i don't know that we could afford it.
i'm also 34, and one thing i know for sure is that it'll be at least 3 or 4 years before we'd TTC, and DH is almost 9 years older than me. i'm not sure i want to start over with an infant when i'm pushing 40 and he's pushing 50, especially when i'd finally be getting this baby off to school and have the ability to teach more and lead more retreats and maybe even (gasp!) go on a retreat myself! a selfish little voice in my head looks forward to a time when i actually have some time for myself, to do the things i love to do. i seriously dream of a day when all the kids are in school and after i get them off in the morning i can spend an hour or two just doing some yoga, straightening up the house, sewing, maybe even read a book just for pleasure and get through it in less than 5 months
i also really miss my DH. i know that sounds weird. it's not like we never spend alone time together, but it's rare these days with him having to get up so early (like 4am) and working multiple jobs. and then he comes home and the kids want his attention, and then we all crawl into bed together and we're on totally opposite sides of the bed from each other. i look forward to a day when all the kids are happily in their own beds and DH and i can just snuggle together like we used to.
sigh. i dunno. we definitely havealot more thinking to do...