Worst prenatal appointment ever

[Celticqueen]

So apparently, I really *do* still need to heal some more from my last birth with ds#1.

I thought talking with people about it/prayer was enough. Maybe not? Maybe I need more time to heal?

So at the appointment today, she asked me a question about my labor with ds#1- in regards to after pushing when I bled too much.

Without missing a beat, I just stared at her, tears filled my eyes and I literally began sobbing uncontrollably.



What??

That was so unexpected of me...I was probably asking myself in my head, "Um, stop crying! What the heck?"

Without even controlling it, my mind immediately began recalling every negative aspect- the unwelcomed pitocin, the last minute epidural, midwife refusing to tell me I was in transition, my mother, etc. etc.

How embarrassing. She ended up being late for her next client because I couldn't stop sobbing.

My poor toddler was crying too because he was concerned about me, lol.

Very random, very strange...But I have to wonder now how much I really do still need to heal from it all.

Sigh

-Caitrin

[sarahn4639]

[Jesskathand]

:s::

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I'm sending good vibes your way!:

[Celticqueen]

Originally Posted by Jesskathand

:s::

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I'm sending good vibes your way!:

Thank you

[PaigeAnThem]

Sometimes things like that come out when you least expect them. Sometimes you find great strength and determination when you least expect them, too. I hope you find that as well.:

[barefootpoetry]

Awww hon. I know how you feel. I always try to be as flippant and sarcastic as possible when people ask me about DS1's birth, because I know if I get serious, I will cry. And I had a crying episode like that with my last pregnancy too...not birth-related, though, I was having a bad reaction to the glucose drink after having my blood drawn and the CNM started telling me how I should have eaten more first - she didn't really know how very poor we were and that I hardly ever had enough to eat. I was so embarassed to admit this and feelign so sorry for myself that I just broke down bawling.

I'm guessing CPs get this a lot more often than we think, though...we preggos are a hormonal bunch. Not that I'm trying to write off your outburst as hormones, but YKWIM.

I hope you DO feel better after getting it out like that, I'm sure even though you may be mortified over how it happened, your heart feels much lighter inside. If not, I wouldn't worry...healing has its own timetable, and sometimes you can't really do anything to usher it along.

[willthiswork]

I think its perfectly understandable that you cried. Hell, if I think of the end of black beauty I cry so obviously going through something so traumatic would have after effects. I hope you're feeling better now.


Note: I'm not comparing child birth to horses galloping through fields, its just something that upsets me and is trivial so......please don't take offense!

[courtenay_e]

I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience at your first birth. It is possible that the midwife will try to explore it a bit more with you. Having that kind of angst about a past birth experience can have an effect on your upcoming labor.

I would suggest, if you feel like perhaps you might need to do some more work, that you start with the book, "Birthing from Within." I know that it has helped many women work through either past birth experiences, or anxiety that they have surrounding an impending birth. This can be especially helpful for women who are "artsy" as it uses a lot of art type "therapy" to explore "stuff."

If you don't "click" with that book, you might want to find yourself a therapist or a hypnotherapist to help you work through some stuff.

Good luck with the journey.

[Nathan1097]

I hear ya. When I was pregnant, I would cry at the drop of a hat at things I could normally just brush off. I can see how the painful memory of your previous birth could just "pop out" like that. Sometimes we don't know what we think or feel until it hits us like that.

P.S. Fall/October babies are awesome!

[poetesss]

I'm so sorry.

At my first prenatal I was discussing a personal issue that would affect my care and even though I had rehearsed my speil like a hundred times I broke down before even starting to speak. Sigh.

I wish you healing and peace in your recovery from your traumatic experiences.

[jenneology]

I cried too when interviewing midwives for my next pregnancy, and I wouldn't be surprised if late in the next pg that some old hurts and feelings get uncovered as I near giving birth again. I hope you are able to make some peace with your last experience and it gives you strength as you prepare to birth again. Best wishes.

[queenofchaos]

I think that grief is a strange thing and just because you have a low moment it doesn't mean that there is more work to do with the grief. It *might* but sometimes there are things that no matter how much we analyze and talk about it, are just going to bring up some feelings at some point.
I can't relate to your birth experience, as I have not had to deal with something like during labor/birth. But, when I was 15 yo, my best friend died. She was like a sister to me, which was significant because I have no sister. It affected me to my core. This happenend nearly 19 yrs ago. Every now and then, I will hear a song, or someone's voice, see an image or just something and suddenly the loss is fresh. It's a loss, will always be a loss, and nothing can change that fact. No amount of time or healing will change that. And that's why I think that there's nothing necessarily wrong when you still grieve over a loss every now and then. JM2C.
ETA-I just noticed in your siggie that you are PG with #2. I think it's reasonable to expect that you are going to cry at the drop of a hat over all kinds of things over the next few months. So normal w/us preggos! Don't be too hard on yourself.

[mamaverdi]

I am so sorry.

Have you tried EMDR?

[Celticqueen]

Originally Posted by mamaverdi

I am so sorry.

Have you tried EMDR?

Hey thanks for the link. I don't have time to thoroughly look through it right now but I went to the page and just had some ?'s...Is it a booklet? Or a class to physically go to or both?

Thanks in advance!

-Caitrin

[mamaverdi]

You work with a therapist, and honestly, I haven't done it. But my children & dh have. Very helpful. But I think with adults you cover one eye and then another, in a pattern. : They use it for people with PTSD as opposed to hypnosis. And unlike hypnosis, I don't *think* you have to relive the event to have it help.

[newmommy27]

I had a similar break when I became pregnant with my 2nd (who is sleeping next to me at the moment)

I had a horrible surgical birth with my 1st and was terrified that I would have the same experience...

I did EMDR with a great psychologist it took 3 sessions and I saw huge progress after the first appointment...

I would suggest strongly that you find someone to help you...after getting some help and a ton of other work I had an AMAZING vbac and I have a wonderful little girl as well

[ErinsJuneBug]

I cry whenever i am talking to a dr. or midwife about my daughters birth too.