still jealous of DH's XW and feeling terrible about it - Page 2

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by mama41

I think if you view your goal in life as landing a man, or have a sense that you must get a man -- or view them as a sort of territory or property -- this feeling of rivalry and jealousy is probably more likely to get you.

I agree with many things you said in this post, but this last bit is extremely judgemental and very unfair, imho. I do not see my goal in life as "landing a man", nor do I view him as a property.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Originally Posted by Oriole

I agree with many things you said in this post, but this last bit is extremely judgemental and very unfair, imho. I do not see my goal in life as "landing a man", nor do I view him as a property.

[mama41]

Guys, i did not say, "Jealousy means your goal in life is landing a man, and/or you see him as your property." PRMC.

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by Jilian

I'm sure she envisions us blindly in love and having a blast. Reality check: things weren't like that or we'd still be married. It was not bliss.

Another "ex" here and I agree with Jilian. My ex and I don't talk, nor does he have any part in DS's life, so I doubt (and hope) this will never be an issue for me. BUT, if there was a woman out there feeling the least bit jealous of *me*, I'd have to sort of laugh. Sure, there were fun times, but DP is a totally different person now, mainly because of everything we went through. We SUCKED as a couple, hence the reason we split up.

That being said, I'd definitely get a new bed. DP and I got one when we moved in together, despite having two perfectly good beds at the time. It was worth it, imo. I like knowing that he and I are the only ones who have ever made love in it.

[guestmama 9918]

Originally Posted by mama41

But I never felt I was in competition, and of course there was some former life in which they'd known the men better. I think if you view your goal in life as landing a man, or have a sense that you must get a man -- or view them as a sort of territory or property -- this feeling of rivalry and jealousy is probably more likely to get you.

We have to remember that in the case of the OP, the EW was not only the former life, but part of the current life that she experienced with her DH. He took a time out from their relationship to contemplate whether he wanted to return to the ex. I'd assume that wasn't wholly based on his wishful thinking, but a sense that the ex was desiring, or at least open, to renew the relationship.

So I wonder who was feeling more territorial--the OP or the EW?

[mama41]

Originally Posted by kkj323

We have to remember that in the case of the OP, the EW was not only the former life, but part of the current life that she experienced with her DH. He took a time out from their relationship to contemplate whether he wanted to return to the ex. I'd assume that wasn't wholly based on his wishful thinking, but a sense that the ex was desiring, or at least open, to renew the relationship.

So I wonder who was feeling more territorial--the OP or the EW?

kkj, in that case, it's even clearer. He chose.

I was with one guy for 7 years, and his Heartthrob Ex was still around and part of our social circle. She was very goodlooking, bright, accomplished. Even if she'd changed her mind, though, forget it. Once someone leaves him, he's done. (Which is part of why his current gf's jealousy surprised me.) I didn't care for her at first because his story made her out to be heartless, but eventually I realized that was "dumped" talking, and that she's very likeable. She's moved an hour or so away now with her husband, but works in town, so I still have coffee with her occasionally.

If the op's husband's xw is some desperate schemer...well, that'd be kind of sad. But jealousy, I think, would be warranted only if he was the kind of guy to vacillate and cheat, and if that's the case, the main problem isn't jealousy.

About the bed -- you know, I never thought about beds when it came to bfs or my husband. I never heard a guy complain about my bed, either. I mean don't get me wrong, I can see it, just saying it's never come up for me. The only time I ever made that kind of association was with a friend who's been almost daughter-close to our old teacher, a Famous Person with a very dominant kind of personality. My friend's involved with our teacher's son, hopes to marry him (yeah, I know, don't ask) and the other day was helping to set up some kind of heirloom bed at his house. The mattress was original and had belonged to our teacher and her ex. Apart from the fact that the mattress had to be disgusting after 20 years in the basement, if there's one person I wouldn't want looming over my sex life, it'd be this teacher, esp. if she was going to be my MIL. I mean it'd be beyond incestuous. They're getting a new mattress.

[mild_adventurer]

I'm the OP, and it's been very helpful for me to read this thread.

The funny thing is, I'm an XW too. My former hubby is remarried and his new wife and I get along famously. I truly don't think she suffers from any jealousy (although I could be wrong; it's been known to happen!), and the three of us have a very successful co-parenting relationship.

I have sat down and wondered what about me and me XH is different from DH and his XW. First of all, we were married only 4 years to their 10. DH and I have talked about it, and we agree on some important differences. I didn't marry the love of my life the first time around. I knew it just as clearly on the day I said "I do" as I do now. I got married for other reasons: to quench lonliness, for financial stability, etc. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. My XH and I were best pals before we got married and in retrospect, we should have just stayed good pals and left the wedding rings to the love birds. DH readily admits that he married the love of his life the first time around, but that she changed. Hey, people change, I get it. I don't pretend that my jealousy is logical or fair, but my honey gave his whole entire heart to this beautiful woman and wanted, more than anything, for her to handle it with care and give him hers in return.

I know it sounds weird and maybe even cliche coming from a 30-something once-divorced mother of two, but DH is the love of my life. He's who I've been looking for all this time. My heart was shattered when he wanted to "take a break" to explore the possibilities with his XW and to be honest, even though it was a long time ago, and I've forgiven him 10-fold, my heart is still healing and fragile.

What I feel I need now are strategies for getting through my day without the XW (and their long history together) haunting me. You've all made some helpful suggestions. I broached the subject of a new bed over the weekend and I think we're going to do that soon. It's about time for a fresh coat of paint in the house anyway, so my being able to control that will be helpful, too.

I didn't anticipate this part of a second marriage. I was ready for difficulties step-parenting, and joint-custody and financial considerations, and a gazillion different schedules. I didn't know I'd be forced to so closely examine my own demons and the demons of his past.

[violet_]

My heart goes out to you. I don't have the same issues in our case (I don't think DH ever really loved his ex, and both she and he have told me as much), though I still hate being reminded of her and sometimes feel bad for her.

I think your instincts can tell you what you need to get rid of to reclaim your own space. If you must stay in the house, obviously you'd need to get rid of the bed, mattress, sheets, pillows, etc. A new coat of paint is a cheap remodel, and may help a lot too. For little things, I've heard of women having parties where their friends come over and swap things, so, for example, there is an old table that is nice but reminds you of her, so your friend likes the table and swaps out a table to you. Or tiny things, like tablewear or vases or plants. If you're in a whole memory-laden house that was hers, then it may help to purge a lot of it.

Also, another trick we have for not being constantly reminded of her is to limit her presence in time and space. As in, we don't mention her after 8pm, and we never ever mention her while in the bedroom. Little things like that can help emotionally a lot too.

[hopingforthebest]

Nope, I am very jealous of her. My DH gave her everything he had to keep that relationship going. The only thing that makes me feel better is that my husband never hid the fact that he wanted a daughter and she wanted to give him a daughter so bad but they had a son. Fortunetely our first child was a girl. So I was able to give him what he wanted most out of the world, a daughter. Than she rubbed it in my face that she has his ONLY son and guess what our next child was a boy.

I am very jealous of her still though. I just feel she got the "best" of my husband. Everyone tells me the things he used to do for her and how he felt about her and I think "why doesn't he do that for me?" or "I wonder if he feels that way about me?" It's very hard for me and I thought I was just overreacting.

It has gotten a little better for me overtime but I still get jealous of some of the stuff he keeps around from their marriage (like our kitchen table, sometime's I'd like to "accidentally" saw it in half just so we'd have to get a new one).